ive had a very bad week... and its only wednesday :(

[kelly f]

Ok so I was wrong i wanna say that straight out... i messed up...

I originally started looking for women to just hang out with because my GF only had guy friends.. i did do this behind her back i wasnt telling her about it and that was wrong first off.. then it became more and i started asking people to have sex.. i started just asking random people i didnt know off of random sites to get together and have sex, mostly in an attempt to get pictures out of them and maybe i kinda wanted something new i needed something more from my sex life which had gotten dull bland and boring...
well we started to spice up our relationship and i kept on asking ppl to meet up... i never did anything with them... ill have to admit i was asking because maybe deep down i wanted to but i never did...
then my GF finds my emails while im away and well lets just say she blew up understandably... and she doesnt believe me that i didnt do anything... hell i wouldnt believe me all the evidence is against me...
I may have had a problem i dont know.. but she left me... again understandable... But i love her so much it feels like my world has crashed... i havnt eaten i only drink fluids, energy drinks and such.. i want nothing more then to be with her and i screwed that up... I want her back so bad... I want to prove to her i can change... she was my whole world... my everything the only person i can ever see in my future.. i feel like an empty hollow shell of man now... she wont even give me a chance to redeem myself which logically is understandable but i dont want logic i want that love back... she says i never really loved her but if i didnt how could i feel so horrible?

I just dont know what to do now... i cant do my homework... it only makes me think of how i was going to school to better our future together... i cant go anywhere without thinking of her... i cant even hardly stand to drive me new 2010 mazda cause all i can see is how she isnt next to me anymore... granted i know it sounds like i may be being a drama queen but i cant stop... i cant stop feeling like this

I also want to know, what is the worst thing some of you couples have dealt with and made it through to have a happy ending?? is this really so bad that there is no working through it?

[debris]

Holy, now why would you do such a thing in the beginning if she was your world and everything?

Did you do all that to make her jealous to compete with her only having guy friends?

You should have just sat down and talk with her instead of just doing things behind her back.

[kelly f]

I dont know why she wants to know why and i really have no explanation i dont know if i was just bored, lonely, or what i really have no answer for why i turned to doing such a stupid thing other then i wasnt properly thinking... i was just really stupid...
I cant come up with anymore excuses for myself... I really wish i had an honest answer.. maybe it was the sex started to become monotonous and i just needed some excitement... i just dont know... it came to the point where i wouldnt even really think about it anymore i would see a profile pic i liked and just message them to see if i got a response...

[QueenofCorona]

You did this to yourself. Self inflicted and 100% preventable. You play with fire, you'll get burned. Hopefully you and your 2010 Mazda can remember this next time. Grow up, stop being a selfish liar if you ever want a real relationship to work.

Don't even attempt to try to make it work with the ex, do you really think she'll ever trust you again? Cmon now. Way beyond repairable.

[kelly f]

Thats very helpful... like salt on a fresh wound... i know i messed up and i know its my fault in fact i think i even said that yes??
i know i was selfish and stupid but i love her... have you never felt so deeply for someone that you almost feel that person now defines who you are?
I know i royally F***ed up... but I love her... and when there are couples out there who have delt with cheating... delt with cheating and the result being a baby and can make it through... i refuse to believe that this is not repairable... i am wanting to change i will change what i had become... i am willing to do anything it takes to keep this relationship together... I know i messed it up but one bad moment should not define the entire relationship should it? it was one mistake granted it was a major mistake but it was one mistake out of a relationship full of love... i dont want to diminish or belittle what i have done i know it was huge... but i dont think it cataclysmic... there has to be a way to fix it

[QueenofCorona]

Ok, lets say she's got low enough self worth to actually take you back. Do you think she'll ever believe what comes out of your mouth? Do you not think she'll want to read all your texts and emails? Do you think she'll not second guess what you're telling her everytime you tell her you are going out with the guys/family/shopping/class/etc? Do you think that YOU will actually be ok with her still having guy friends which she deserves to have without wanting to even the score by going out and acting a fool? You think you can just quit that BS cold turkey? Does facing that sound like a good time? Like a healthy relationship?

Before you can do anything you need to know what love really is. Its not just about how the other person makes YOU feel, its about how you make that other person feel. I really don't understand how you could have loved her so deeply that that "love" defined you into a sleezy backstabber.

For one second stop with all the "Me, me, me" and put yourself in her place. How do you think she feels right now? Woud you take her back if the shoe was on the other foot?

I know I'm coming off as bitchy but you need to hear this. I could say, "Oh gosh. She'll get over it. Call her, email her, send her flowers. She HAS to forgive you!" We both know the damage is done.

[kelly f]

yes the damage is done... and honestly i dont know how i would feel if she had done it to me... but i know i can stop i know i can.. but like i said i did lie to her but i never did actually sleep with anyone else.. i didnt actually do anything with what i could have done... that has to count for something doesnt it??
I know that i made her feel like a queen... this is the only real thing that i have EVER done to upset her... she was always tellin me just how happy i made her... I know im the we have the real thing i just really really made a huge mistake and wasnt thinking about anything at the time when i was doing... everything i was doing in my life school, aiming to go green to gold in the army to be an officer all of it i started doing not because she asked me to but because i wanted to provide a better life for her... now i have no direction i dont want to continue to do so and live a hollow life that will only ever remind me of who i had done it for and who i had lost... I realise she is hurtin too and very badly... but there has to be someway right?? i mean there HAVE been couples who actually do cheat... who still make it why cant what we have make it too?? i am not contacting her she has requested bare minimum a week... ill give it two if she doesnt contact me... so no i dont wanna hear call her tell her how much i love her i have and she knows what i have to say... i just want some kinda of good advice?? i dont even know what i want really just to argue my case i guess... is there no one who thinks this can work still?? anyone??

[vashti]

I have been in your ex-girlfriend's position. I haven't gotten over it, nor do I expect to, and I'm not even angry or hurt. I just accepted it as the death-kiss: the thing that made me SURE that I no longer loved him.

I think you should learn your lesson and move on. You have already poisoned the well.

[kelly f]

oh thats so depressing... i dont want to move on though... i want to be miserable the rest of my life.... i cant just let someone who i have cared this much about go... and if feeling this hurt is the only way i can keep her around even if only in my broken heart then im going to... i know i messed up but i refuse to let this pain fade so easily i refuse to give up on what we had had just not even 4 days ago... i cant just let it all go, as if i had never cared... i dont think i can move on from this one... i have been hurt before myself and those girls took me at most a month or two to move on from... i have never ever felt this bad before... thats how i know we had had the realy thing whether anyone wants to believe me or not... i was stupid it was a serious or very stupid events but thats not how the whole relationship was... it was full of love... of caring.. of friendship and personal growth with each other... yeah i had originally had a problem with her being friends with a bbunch of guys but i had gotten over that.. i just hadnt let go of my stupid actions... it was a very stupid mistake on my part but i know i know deep in my heart we had the real thing... and thats not something you can just drop and let go... if you can tell me your relationships from the past were that easy to just drop then you cant tell me that YOU know what love is... before i had even started alll this i had already cared so deeply that during one of our many conversations together i had told her that i dont think even her cheating on me would be enough to sway me from continuing our relationship... this one is just not possible for me to ever let go... i may not get the girl but i will never let it go... i simply cant...

[Cbrider]

Reap what you sow - no sympathy from me.

Don't be a dumb shit, there's a reason that the U.S has a 50% divorce rate.

[Gigabitch]

Kelly, it sounds to me like "love" for you is a big gaping hole you want filled, a sorry wantiness. A need.

That's not love. That's desire. Love wants to give. Desire wants to get. You don't know how to love.