Is he into me?!

[to-cinderella]

hi all together - MALE & female here...

I gues i am in the right place... to find out what do male think...

I met a guy (online in December) Emails were very funny, then texts, then calls, then we met after couple of days.

Since then we are dating, but his tempo is not the same i'd like to have, since i have a crash... And i guess i do have one, since i am constanetely thinking about him, want to meet him again, planing my schedules in hope that: "this weekend he is in town, so i will not pan anything, since we might spend it together" - thats what i do... He is just doing his thing, as he did before and we continue meeting once a week... Is this not too few?! Well for me it is! We even did not spend a night together yet, no sex... poor me! (kidding, but truth)

In one of the sms he wrote, that he needs to make a room in his life, since it sall been about work lately... i dont understand it... i just think if people really like each other they always have time to meet, to let each other know how they feel, try to make nice things for each other....

We scheduled a date on saturday, but he anonced himself sick and told me he is not coming (we were meeting at the naighbor city, since i was meeting a friend there, and this was his idea to meet there, since i complained we dont spend much time together) i was very happy with his suggestion, a bit worried, since it ment we will stay overnight together in the hotel... so i was a bit confused after but happy that he suggested it. So he annouced himself sick and suggested i come back home and stay over at his place, "not a 5start hotel, but he got movies and food" what he said.

Ok, i was a bit disapointed, but decided to go to his place, just to show that i want to see him... and take a little care of a sick guy... since i have not been to his place yet, i needed him to pick me at the trainstation... a sent him a message, asking if he is fit enough to have a guest... no asnwer, so i went home, taking it he is asleep, which is ok.... later i tried to call him, no answer, which is also ok.... he is sick and sleeping.. next day another two calls.... no aswer... is he dead? did he sell his phone? is he still sleaping? for 24 hours? anyway, he is alive, his phone was off... nice! I said him i am glad he is alive, get well and ended the conversation, since i was really pissed of.... since then... 5 days now, he did not text, he did not call....

I thought i will not call, wait for his call (which i never do, i think all this games, with hard to get and you have to make the first step are stupid...), but as always i gave up - tried to call, no answer again, i belive he is working a lot as he says, and does not look at his phone every hour... so i just sent him an email, need to free my head:

Hi Honey,
how are you? Feeling better?

Well, wenn you will see my missed calles (two days later or so... as
often you look at your cell phone), they mean, that my experiment ----
how long .... will not call me, if i will not be contacting him myself
----- is over... i understood this will be very long... or did you
stop seeing me??? Actually i have a feeling, that you dont feel like
having a contact... you only should tell me this, so i am aware and
will leave you in peace!!!

Please dont get me wrong, that i am desperate or something, that i
urgently need a boyfriend.... I dont mind to be alone, if i know that
i am not dating anybody..., but if i normally meet a guy, whom i like,
i also need to see him more often, and know he wants to see me as
well.... since i do think about you very often.

Honestly, i dont like to have as few contact as we do... you never
call, YOU INVITE ME TO YOUR PLACE, SWICH OFF YOUR PHONE AND GO TO
SLEEP... withought asking, if i take your invitation or not - WOW!
dont you just care or have a very short memory or are a very egoistic
child... for a woman (a normal case like me...), it looks like "he is
not that into you"... thats what women think. really, it does not
matter how sick i am, how much work i do have, if i like somebody, i
think about this person more than once a day, when i swich on or off
my mobile... actually if i like somebody, like you, i am checking if
my cell has a batery, if its close to me... so i can take your (never
happend lately) call or read a message.

i like you... and i hate i dont see you so long and 50% of our dates
are beeing canceled this makes me feel unsatisfied and bitter, and
than i am sad and pissed of at the situation! i hate, that this kills
my good emotions towards you..

Unfortunately i am in the part of my life, where i cant just be happy
that i know that there is a guy, who likes me eventually and just be
happy with that whithought any exchange of contact... beeing happy
from one thought, that you are somewhere out there... and i am happy
he is doing his thing... i am not that "bedingungslos" i need
"gegenleistung", like your arms around me at night, or a spam email
when i am at work, to make me smile... I want more of these kisses!

Are you going to stay a lonely wolf, like you mentioned & "you are not
that into me"? if this is the case, YOU SHOULD TELL ME THIS, i dont
want guess and feel like a full.

Well... you can think i am crazy and not call me again. dont forget to
tell me about that if you dont...

i hope you can take my feed back... i think you should know, whats
going on in my head.... but since you- MEN, are simple creatures and
you need to be told about things, we - WOMEN think all the time.. here
we go, all of the above FYI...

Sad and confused, ....

Phuh! A lot of reading, now my head is not free at all, even more thoghts, since now i am thinking: will he ever answer? what would he think? if he will answer, did i not went to far, that this will leave a bad taste for both of us? Should i just be patient? Or shall i just give up a great guy, whose kisses make me loose the ground under my feet, shall i give up, since we need different things? Since if its ok for him to not call for days its not ok for me, at least not now, when i am falling in love and know that i now going to see him all week makes me sad and frustrated...?

I will be gald to hear your opinions to this very eternal question: Is he into me?!

[elizabeth412]

I'm afraid that you have contacted him too much and too urgently without allowing him to reciprocate so early in a relatively new relationship. That email you apparently copied here was fraught with neediness; you revealed too much.

[to-cinderella]

Well maybe, its obviously different needs we have. But i dont understand, why i should keep my feelings and do now show, that i want contact..? Feeling like a hunter in this case, who needs to be careful to not scare the bear...

[mrtdg82]

After reading that jumbled mess of a post im going to give you the same advice i seem to give many people on this site.... SLOW DOWN!!!

Its not a race to the finish line, relationships are built and no wonder the guy isnt replying if your going out of your way to contact him every 5 minutes.

No one is saying dont say how you feel but you have to be careful how you do so as not everyone operates the same way.

[to-cinderella]

After reading that jumbled mess of a post im going to give you the same advice i seem to give many people on this site.... SLOW DOWN!!!

Its not a race to the finish line, relationships are built and no wonder the guy isnt replying if your going out of your way to contact him every 5 minutes.

No one is saying dont say how you feel but you have to be careful how you do so as not everyone operates the same way.

well, i guess you are right... but i am not really contacting him every 5 minutes.... i will let you know, if its too late to SLOW DOWN.... hmmm...

[girl68]

You come off as a desperate girl no matter what you claimed in that email. You have scared me off and I'm not even a dude!

[to-cinderella]

You come off as a desperate girl no matter what you claimed in that email. You have scared me off and I'm not even a dude!

sorry! i did not mean to...

I know, i sound like desperate, maybe i am... maybe i just did not speak about it anough with my friends... maybe he is just paying for ex-person mistakes! I was in relationship last year, an "afair"... he was separated from his ex-wife (long time before we met) and separated from his sick with cances girlfriend (not officialy, nobody except his family new that, since she was leaving in his house and they did not want to make it a dirty laundry). he is older then me - 13 years older. we liked each other but did not match at all! he has 2 kids, i am not even planning any yet, he lives in a little town outside, i live in the big city center... these were a lot of little things, that we did not have anything in common, but us. He is a business man, has a lot to do and did not have much time for me.

we met last year in february, his exgirlfriend died in september, he was taking care of her during this time, all the hospitals, and the funeral. it was very hard for me to see that, that he was shwoing to the outside like a loving partner, but i knew that he is not cheating on me.. i knew that all, and i was agree to be in this situation.

i agreed that we are so different, that he does not have time for me. but he really present in my live, he was calling me everyday, we chatted on skype like crazy, there was always so much to say! and so much kontakt!!!

But he still was busy, and now there was nothing on his way to be with me, to stay at my place, when he really got "free" time, it still was not free time for me, to really be with me, not only on skype or on the phone. he could not sleep in the city, to many cars, he needs his waterbed and etc. His answer always was: I would like to have you close to me, but if i imagine this loud city with laud cars and your bed i cant come, since my need to see you is not that big.... i need my sleep... but i will be very happy, if you will close to me now... this was his main point...

you will probably, ask why did you not went to his home? He was in official sorrow for public... i was not copfortable to go there.

i broke up with him after some time, he met a new woman 1 WEEK later!!!! Who is leaving 60 km away from him (older than me with a child and ever a watermattress) - and now everything is matching, he can go every night to her... and he is telling me that he wants to spend every second with her.... his introduced he to everybody... (if you will be wondering why is he telling me this.. since we are kind of "friends now"... i am working for him since august, this was my motivation to see him more often...) and i can only compare a difference: what did i get and what does she get... thats why i dont want to be a nice girl, who gives a guy time he "needs", since i learned - that if guy really like his woman, he goes for her...

Maybe this will expain, why i am telling my new guy all of the above "desperate mess"... i just get very sick, wenn i hear: i have no time, all i can hear with words: i am not feeling like seeing you, i am not in love with you...

Maybe i need to proove myself and my boss-friend, that i am also fine...? maybe i need just to be rescued from my old relationship?

i dont know... does anybody know a bookwriter, i would sell it as a story!!

[dewilliams2]

Yea I think you just came a little to fast and hard at the guy...I do appreciate the fact that you have enough confidence to take the lead but you can't suffocate a new relationship...but it is obvious that you were very excited with this guy...this doesn't mean you can't salvage the relationship...just apologize and tell him that you just really feel a lot for him and want to see him more but understand that he cannot spend every minute with you...and then...leave him alone for a while and don't expect him to be with you all the time.

I'm the same way he is...I'm a workaholic and when I'm with a woman she has to understand that I love my work and while I may love her I have to have some space for my work as well.

[to-cinderella]

@dewilliams2

Nice to hear from the workocholic... well, i also do love my work... and i had some jobs, where i was at work for 24 hours, which still gave me a time to drop a amessage to my relashionships...

Beleave, he is taking all of his time for his work, and he say he is not even liking what he is doing, just doing it for money...

its difficult to guess, what on his mind is, thats why i just asked in my "desperate" email... i just like things to be clear...

Now of course i have to wait for his answer: if its too much for him - he will not answer.. if he likes me (as he told) he should change. (I know we need to take people the way they are, but we are aloud to communicate. I would always prefer the guy to tell me if i am behaving or doing something wrong, i would let him know if i can change it or not... always better than guessing and beeing unhappy inside!)

I dont think i am to pushing... its two months since we met, and i can count on both hands finger how often we met... he is not trying to get me to bed, which is nice one side, means he is really nice, and takes it searious, on another side, i got hormons... i need to be closer...

I never experienced that before, i knew that if two people like each other they dont wait or cancel.. if he is not ready for another relationship now, he jsut needs to tell me... and not "try" to date , if he has no time, mood or whatever is missing... i want all or nothing. Maybe i am wrong...

[Lipp]

Well, I'm in a similar situation myself, and here's my take on it from a guy's perspective.

Essentially I also tend to be variably busy as I'm studying full-time in a quite intensive course and work part-time to make ends meet, and often have to prioritize those two over the relationship because I flew overseas and pay very large sums to do the course and can't risk getting bad results as it defines my future career, and work on the side which has to be done or I get into financial trouble as it's to cover minimum expenses, and not to make extra money.

1. So firstly, what are his commitments and how essential are they?
If they are very important you'd might have to expect not being the first priority, but if he's working extra hours to make a bit of more money or so it shouldn't be as necessary to prioritize it over you.

Secondly, I really appreciate that my girl invites me to various events and attend a fair few, but can't make it to all as there are too many planned per week, so while I am glad for it it does get quite upsetting when she complains about me not being able to make it - so frankly, in such cases it seems to be preferable to have a limited number of invitations/plans and make it to all than lots of invitations/plans and scolded for making it for some.

2. You'd might want to reconsider why you end up scheduling multiple days and freeing up time for mere possibilities rather than actual plans - you'd probably find yourself better off if you keep backup plans if he can't make it, and also will probably find more success if you plan minor meetings rather than full-day events, especially if he's working or has other commitments for which he often can't free up entire days. Don't set yourself up for disappointment.

Thirdly, while I tend to enjoy meeting my girlfriend it's also a matter of whether they are "relaxing" or "active" activities - which links to whether you guys are extrovert or introvert . For example, while it's quite fun I don't find for parties and trips to be particularly relaxing, and as such it becomes necessary to divert more spare time to recharge and take it easy, resulting in even less time being available, whereas watching movies or just sitting around and talking is.

3. So, when you meet up, are you guys usually relaxing or constantly "on-the-go"?

And lastly, maintaining intensive contact (and becoming upset after a day of no contact) comes off as needy, and while it's usually fine it can be quite taxing, sometimes the continuous contact simply leaves little left to talk about that hasn't been covered already, resulting in quite dull conversations or even silence, and if contact is being too intensive it can turn to desiring some space and privacy some time, which might be what the guy initiated once he stopped responding or makes excuses (which may after all be genuine), or sometimes do it simply out of annoyance.

Just to note, this might not be all too applicable in your case if you guys haven't met up much yet as me and my girl still meet up on a pretty regular basis, and of course it varies for different individuals and couples, merely meant as an indication of what might be happening.

[mikechudej]

Both person in a relationship will always try to make available for each other!

That's the case when you're in a relationship. He is using work as his excuse.

You can and should slow down, find something to occupied your mind, open up to other possibilities.

[to-cinderella]

I got an answer:

Hey honey! You shouldn't have to wonder whether I have disappeared off the face of the Earth - I'm sorry. I'm fine health-wise, just having a really bad karma week, which may be partly deserved due to the fact that I have been such an ass to you. If you give me a chance, I can tell all next week when I'm back in F on Wednesday. Would like that. My wife and children also think I should make it up to you - just kidding. Not about the making up though!

End of the quote, nice

[to-cinderella]

Both person in a relationship will always try to make available for each other!

That's the case when you're in a relationship. He is using work as his excuse.

You can and should slow down, find something to occupied your mind, open up to other possibilities.

i am trying to keep myself busy this week, to give him his freedom! i actually do agree with above... still doubt, that wen he really likes me, just be quite and not contacting me is ok... i dont know, he send above sms on friday, and since than: no contact again... not that i am paranoid, but i never met the guy who behaved like that!

so, if i dont like be alone anymore and i coose this guy to be my company... and he has no time for me, shall i be dating other guys... even if i like him...? to bad, i cant do this!..

[CAM]

You need to masturbate more frequently. It might reduce your obsessive compulsiveness towards him.

Dr. Freud

[lastwish]

Do you have any ideas how pathetic and needy you sound? Sorry for the harsh words but I think this is what it takes for you to snap out of it.
Indeed, the guy has time to call you back and tell you he is sick and want to be left alone (it only takes 2 minutes. maybe not even). But he chose to ignore you. What does that say about what he thinks about you? He is probably thinking "wow...does this girl have nothing to do except to call me?".

You need a makeover in your mentality. And no, people are not obligated to call each other or see each other all the time and show they are thinking about each other every minute, seconds of the day. In fact, being with each other ALL THE TIME kills romance. Girl, you need to give this relationship some space and mystery. Let him wonder what you are doing when you don't contact him when he expects you to. Don't obsess over him, just have some fun, ok?