I think I want her back... help with the letter?

[xyz]

Hey

Bit of background:

I was with this girl for a year. I thought she was the one I would marry someday, and she did too. After a month apart, I still think she is. We were unofficially engaged, and discussed our future together sometimes.

A lot of our time together was long distance, which was hard enough already. When we met she was having sex with one of her roommates, and although that stopped when we got together (I 100% believe her on this), they remained friends and she refused to move out, although I was very uncomfortable with the situation. In addition she spent a VERY large portion of her free time talking and getting close to troubled people online, mostly guys. She never technically cheated on me, but her sense of interpersonal boundaries was skewed to say the least, which led to our eventual break up. I told her we we're 100% through, no contact. She said she hoped we could be together some day, and she would always be there to talk. She is a smart, artistic girl, and we were extremely compatible except for her lack of understanding that exclusivity was both physical (she was barely acceptable here) and emotional (very open and in love with me, but no boundaries whatsoever when it came to how far she should let other people into her life - this wasn't controlling boyfriend stuff, she wanted everyone and anyone to love her, even if I was special. This was extremely painful since we weren't even sharing a physical space most of the time. She was lonely and unloved as a kid, and I think that has a lot to do with it).

Anyways, in the last month I tried to contact her a few times and she hasn't replied, but indicated in other ways she doesn't want things to continue now. A lot of the anger and disappointment I was feeling has given way to the love I've always had for her, and I really feel like she's "the one". Many days I dream about her, and in the few moments between sleep and wakefulness I'm so excited to see her, and I have no resentment in my heart. Then I remember she's gone, possibly forever, and remember why, and get so sad and confused. I know they say people don't change, and she was cruel and emotionally abusive at times, but god damn I love her. I can only hope those feelings might still be alive for her, and she might come back having learned some things. I'm going to wait another month before doing anything, after which I'll send her a letter if she still hasn't gotten in touch with me and I still want to. Here's what I'm working on. It's somewhat bizarre and morbid, I suppose, but that was always our style. Any thoughts on how to improve it would be very appreciated.

Hi _____,

Writing that alone is enough to bring tears to my eyes. The sense of loss I feel whenever I think of your name, or come across something you gave me is immense. I feel hollow lately. All the skin and bones fit together to give the appearance of a living human being. The structural supports stand firm, and sometimes the lips even smile or laugh. But underneath it all, when I'm alone, my soul is lost in grief. It trudges through its mortal frame, at the brink of a frigid death, searching always for warmth but finding none. It seeks the girl it found in the darkness long ago, but finds only the shadow of her memory, a bit of displaced snow where they once sat together, or a series of dots and dashes that she made to tell him they were in love.

It feels as though I�ve been severed in two, and then each piece that remained turned upon itself, clawing and biting and bleeding until nothing is left but the single glowing ember where my heart used to be. It is the last remnant of myself. It is my core, my spirit, my essence. It is also the first place which was coaxed alight by your kindness and love. I live in hope of the day that the fire might be rekindled.

I swore myself to you, and gave my heart over. With you it has stayed. I will always love you. Whether that love will be returned or come to fruition is up to you, and me, and fate, but the feelings I have for you are eternal, as are the things I promised you. I fear that your name will be exhaled with my last breath, regardless of the others I tread this path with. I fear that as my battered soul is ripped from my corpse and thrown to the abyss, it will be your image, your scent, your touch that I will long for in the instant before obliteration. These thoughts terrorize my dreams, and when I wake I reach to touch you. I expect the comfort of your warmth to banish these nightmares, but instead I find the chill of death, mocking me with not only with impermanence, but also with eternity: an eternity of loss and loneliness for my spirit.

I know you felt this way once. We could never quite tell who was more in love because of the boundless nature of the joy we found in each other. These feelings were once yours, and I hope they have remained so. I know if they have, though, they are guarded in some dark corner under lock and key.

You�ve heard me speak these words about someone else when we were nothing more than friends. When I spoke them first they were an illusion. When I speak them about you I know them to be true.

I was made for you.

But now I�m scared you weren�t made for me.

You were the most important thing in my life. You were my center. We both hurt each other very badly. I don�t think we have to again. I hope that perhaps in the past month your feelings have changed, or will change some day in the future. I believe in us, and I hope that we will live again, united, whether for one year or fifty.

I think what always made me so angry was that I knew the love was there for both of us, but I didn�t understand how, that being the case, you lacked the commitment, devotion, or desire for a true partnership to forge those feelings into a life. If someday you�re single and looking for a devoted ally, partner, and friend I hope you�ll give me an opportunity to get to know you again. I�m sure It's not just me who remembers how happy we were together, and how much we did to support each other and better our lives.

If you ever want just a friend, I would be happy to give that my best shot as well.

My heart breaks again every day for you. I remember how much we loved each other, and I don�t want to let that die.

Thanks for reading.

Yours forever,
X.




Any insight into how you might feel reading this, or tips on what I could improve would be amazing.

Thanks for reading guys.

EDIT: I forgot to mention, I'm 20 and she's 25, if that means anything :p

[cmacattack1]

In my post being dumped emotional panic, I wrote my ex a few letters. Some were angry, some were all over the place, and one was even somewhat well thought out. It didn't achieve anything and in fact pissed her off more.

I think what you are trying to achieve by writing this letter is in a way trying to play upon her feelings if there are any left to try and bring her back. You recited how much you NEED her, and how your feelings will be eternal. Those are both very, very problematic and I will tell you why.

Who is the person you fall in love with? You fall in love with somebody because of who they are as an individual. Did this person ever need you when you fell in love the first time? No. Did you need them before you fell in love with them? No. This is because neediness is not an attractive quality. It's a very negative one. Neediness involves one person and one person only, and that is the person that needs. Regardless of how they feel, regardless of how popping up back into their life after dumping them affects them, you are doing it because YOU NEED it. It could be very negative and have very negative results. You should not base your love, your life, your relationship on somebody because you NEED them. You should want them in your life because you want them, not because you need them. If you need somebody else, there are probably some issues you have that need some sorting out. If you aren't happy with yourself, what makes you think you will be happy with somebody else? Because they are your "other half"? Because they "complete you"? These are very romantic terms but they are not realistic. The reason why you guys fell in love with each other in the first place was not based on need.

You say that your feelings for her are eternal, they will never go away, they will be here forever. But you want to know what? You don't know that. You can't control how you feel, let alone what other people feel. Feelings change, and your and everybody else's mind changes all the time. Why do you think you broke up in the first place? Your feelings weren't as strong as you liked and it wasn't working. Now that you are apart, your feelings grew or changed again. They feel strong now but who knows how they will be tomorrow? What if she has changed or become a different person? Will you still feel the same way if she isn't how you remembered her? Saying these things is making another promise that you don't know you can keep. And when you began dating in the first place, you did make a promise. How many promises are you willing to break and how many consequences are you willing to face in the aftermath?

I'm not saying this letter was a horrible thing to do and I'm not saying it isn't touching. It is. I don't think it's going to get the result you are intending though. All you are doing is bringing back memories of the past relationship because you want to get back together. Back together into a relationship that was broken and didn't work. If you were to have any hope for the future with her, you would want to start a new relationship. You have to rediscover the things you guys fell in love with in the first place. And I bet you she didn't fall in love with somebody that was telling her she needed her.

If she said to you she doesn't want things to continue now, what makes you think that any letter you write will change that? She is going to feel how she feels and right now it seems that she is very hurt and emotional. As do you. What I think needs to be done is just let her be for a while. Focus on whats going on with you. Being 20 years old, I'm sure you have alot going on with school/work/etc. I know you can't ignore her and can't stop thinking about her, but I'm telling you anything you do right now being a month out of the relationship is more than likely going to push her away. Some serious time needs to pass to let those hurt feelings fade and time is the only thing that can heal this. It's a very delicate situation and any pushing or prodding right now could possibly snap it for good. Keep that in mind.

I know you are scared she is going to find somebody else and that is very possible. Many of us only get one opportunity. You have to accept that fact that there really is nothing you can do right now. You don't know how you will feel even six months to a year down the road, and if you still feel how you feel then, all the more reason to believe that your feelings are genuine and a better chance at reconciliation. And when that time comes and you feel the same way, please do not write a letter. It means so much more to say something to somebody in person, it feels more genuine. You don't even need to go into all these illiterations and comparisons, just a straight forward, straight to the point message. Discussion can be made after.

It's too soon for that though. Do yourself a favor and focus on you and getting yourself back on track.

[Gigabitch]

Are you scared that she wasn't made for you or are you forever hers? Do you want her back or do you think you want her back?

You're not ready to send this letter. You have to get some things straight in your own head first. This letter should be a report on your feelings, not an exploratory ramble.

[QueenofCorona]

I agree with Giga. Before you can send that, the title of the thread must be, "I want her back" no "I think" in there. I honestly think you are lonely and remembering the good times, rather than what ultimately led to the break up. Its easy to do, been there and done that myself many times over. You have to ask yourself what you are willing to accept of her if you do go begging for her back. You can't really ask for her to change her ways. Would you be able to live with the fact that she is so close to other men?

[xyz]

Wow, Thanks so much for the thoughtful response!

I think you make a very good point. We were friends for two or three months before our relationship began, and initially I had no romantic interest in her. We began spending more and more time together, enjoyed it more and more, until all of the sudden she was the most important person in my life and I told her the new feelings I was having for her. It was so natural and easy to fall in love with her - it happened almost by accident.

I think the neediness isn't so much coming out of the fact that I'm unhappy with my life without her (I've been pursuing a dream I abandoned in high school for a few months now, and everything is going quite well so far), but has more to do with the fact that we had an insanely intense, honest, and fun relationship (most days), in addition to our super compatibility. I'm scared that no relationship I find in the future will compare to ours. I'm scared that anyone else will just be a substitute for her. She's complained about my insecurity about the relationship in the past, but I always felt it was justified. The truth was probably that we were both being jerks :p

You've definitely made me question this approach. I don't think it would be inaccurate to say that, to a certain degree, this letter is an attempt to hurt her and guilt her into getting back together with me, and that's obviously not what I really want.

I'm terrified that she's going to move on to someone else, while I still almost feel like I would be cheating because I'm still in love with her :/ . I'm having a hard time letting go, and to me this just feels like a really protracted fight. I guess those feelings need to go ASAP. I think realistically I was probably more in love with her than vice versa, and that led to a tangible sense of inequality in the relationship. I suppose I should try to let my feelings subside so she and I can grow together if we ever get the chance.

I guess what we need is a fresh start, and I'd be thrilled if she would give me that chance.I know it's up to her and not me, but are there any thoughts on when/ how to best approach her about it?

I know from a friend that she's been having a tough time since we broke up, and I really hope she'll be the one to call. I know what my answer would be :'( + .

Thanks again for the response, it's really helpful to hear other peoples opinions!

[xyz]

Are you scared that she wasn't made for you or are you forever hers? Do you want her back or do you think you want her back?

You're not ready to send this letter. You have to get some things straight in your own head first. This letter should be a report on your feelings, not an exploratory ramble.

Totally true - giving myself plenty of time to think things over before I do anything really stupid.

[xyz]

I agree with Giga. Before you can send that, the title of the thread must be, "I want her back" no "I think" in there. I honestly think you are lonely and remembering the good times, rather than what ultimately led to the break up. Its easy to do, been there and done that myself many times over. You have to ask yourself what you are willing to accept of her if you do go begging for her back. You can't really ask for her to change her ways. Would you be able to live with the fact that she is so close to other men?

Thanks for the response!

I think I have this fantasy in my head where she realizes how important I was to her and wants to change her ways. You can't possibly be telling me that's not very likely!

It did already happen once. I didn't mention that I broke up with her months ago for the same reasons, and within two days she came to me in tears saying she would do whatever it took to be with me. I guess I should have been more up front and adamant about my expectations, but I was so happy we were back together that I was probably too forgiving and "understanding". Things were only really different for a week or two...

My real answer is that I'd be willing to talk about it and probably meet her somewhere in the middle. I overreacted to little things sometimes because sometimes she was doing big things. I suppose if I want to compromise I can't go crawling back like this...

It's beginning to sound like I might have already screwed this up irreparably...

[xyz]

Woke up in the middle of the night thinking about her, and am posting here in an attempt to be a little more thoughtful than emotional - and then get back to sleep!

Apparently I've got some thinking to do. I'm keeping busy during the day, and if I think about where we didn't work, I'm happy to move on and find someone new. I'm aware of her absence, and am a little sad sometimes in the quiet moments throughout the day, but I can deal, no problems .Whenever I fall asleep, though, this girl is in my dreams almost every night, and even if it was a bad dream I wake up missing her. Ugh. I know my feelings for her could last a lifetime if I want them to. When it comes right down to it, I'm so conflicted because I feel like the person she is is my soulmate. I miss our conversations and other interactions so much because we "click" so well. I really felt like myself around her, and I enjoyed us being us together so much. On the other hand, our lifestyles are pretty different, despite shared interests (I think I have an independent, active, idealistic/romantic approach to life, whereas she's a bit more communal/accepting, passive, and rational - and then there were the differences that made me question her capacity for a healthy, lasting relationship) I don't think the interpersonal compatibility was ever a question, just the life compatibility. To top it off, we're both enrolled in schools across the country from each other, and it'll be one or two years before we could be together full-time. Maybe that would be the time to try to get back in touch if I still want it, and hope she's single. Then again, it seems absurd to start the long-distance thing again when we're done with school and trying to get our lives going somewhere.

Everything in my mind shouts me down when I think about us together; it's impractical and she hurt me a lot and might again. There's this special spark we had which seems stronger, though, and I don't feel like I want to give up on it.I really thought she was the one. Perhaps it's due to my relative inexperience; this girl is the first long-term relationship I've had post-high school. Then again, things got serious very quickly between us, and I might have felt similarly months ago. Is it always like this when you've been with someone one year + ?

Ugh. If you're still reading this thread thanks for putting up with my long, scattered posts :p . I guess they go to show how confused I am. I have no idea where this is going, and I guess it might be a while until I've sorted out my feelings and know whether or not I should try to get back in touch. I guess I need to figure out if what I miss is her, or merely the strong connection we had. hmm...

[cmacattack1]

I understand where you are coming from buddy. I've been on four months no contact with my ex and I still dream about her. I dreamed about her last night. It haunts you, it keeps them on your mind, but what can you do? You can't help how you feel about them. Being logical about everything is the only thing that has really kept me sane and from trying to call her up in some fantasy to win her back. Maybe because she has a new boyfriend too. I'm sure that's a contributing factor.

The hurt you endured from her has a lasting impression. I'm sure the hurt I put my ex through will always have an impression on her. Even after she kept telling me she was over me, the fact that she was angry and emotional showed me that she clearly wasn't. I was a more rational and anchored person and my ex was the more dreamer, adventurous person. I wonder if that has anything to do with it.

I hope this experience has really opened your eyes and taught you alot about life, love and relationships. Because whether it works out with her or somebody else, you are all the better person for this.

[Gigabitch]

This forum is a good place to work through your feelings. Keep posting about the good times and the bad and we'll get that letter to where you want it.

[xyz]

I understand where you are coming from buddy. I've been on four months no contact with my ex and I still dream about her. I dreamed about her last night. It haunts you, it keeps them on your mind, but what can you do? You can't help how you feel about them. Being logical about everything is the only thing that has really kept me sane and from trying to call her up in some fantasy to win her back. Maybe because she has a new boyfriend too. I'm sure that's a contributing factor.

The hurt you endured from her has a lasting impression. I'm sure the hurt I put my ex through will always have an impression on her. Even after she kept telling me she was over me, the fact that she was angry and emotional showed me that she clearly wasn't. I was a more rational and anchored person and my ex was the more dreamer, adventurous person. I wonder if that has anything to do with it.

I hope this experience has really opened your eyes and taught you alot about life, love and relationships. Because whether it works out with her or somebody else, you are all the better person for this.

Damn. Sorry you're going through this too. Good job keeping it together, I know how hard it is! I hope you can find somebody better out there

And you're right - I have learned a lot, and that's better than nothing.

[xyz]

This forum is a good place to work through your feelings. Keep posting about the good times and the bad and we'll get that letter to where you want it.

Thanks

I'm beginning to get the feeling there will be a lot of posting :p



So the more I reflect on things, the more I know that I want this girl, and the less I believe things didn't work out.

I look at old pictures of us, and see how we're smiling, and I KNOW she could be THE girl for me. I've been thinking about whether it's her I miss or the relationship, and it's 100% her. Things were happiest between us when we were just friends, and as I got more serious and sometimes demanding about the future we might have together, the more she pulled away, I think.
I don't think she ever gave herself over like I did, but was being cautious to protect things, and in my rush to make what we had last forever, I broke us apart. She made a LOT of mistakes too, probably more than I did, but I don't care if we've still got a chance, and I'm beginning to understand the part I played in our split.

Thinking about things has made a lot of the anger and disappointment fade away, and I'm left with the feelings I've always had for her. I know I could be happy with someone else, and I know no one might believe me, but I know deep down that I'd rather spend my life with this girl than anyone else. What we had was rare, I think, and when I look at her I feel nothing but love. The calmer and more reflective I become, the more I know she was my soul mate.

I'd rather accept that. put all of myself out there, and face rejection than try to convince myself that she isn't that important and move on. I love her with all my heart, and I think I ****ed up. Maybe it will work for the best, and we'll both grow and come back better for each other, but maybe I'll never see the girl I love again. I don't think my feelings for her are going to change, but I guess I might have to accept that she doesn't feel the same and hope that I find someone else that I can feel this way about.

With this in mind, I tried to take all of your suggestions, add some new insights I've had, and compile them into something a bit more concise and clear. Here's a rough draft:

Hi _____,
This is _____. I hope you’re doing well. I decided I should give myself some time to sort out my feelings and present them to you the right way, instead of in confusing messages sent in moments of desperation. I’ve tried to express my feelings as clearly and as honestly as I can. I hope these words will find a place to rest on your heart, if not today, then at some point in the future. They are the words in mine, and I hope you read them with the sincerity that I feel.

First of all, I’m sorry.

I’m sorry that I left you, and tried to cut you out of my life (twice) when the feelings we had were still so strong. I was cruel and I’ll always regret the way I handled things.
I’m sorry I was so impatient.
I’m sorry that sometimes I fought you so hard when I was the one who needed to change.
I’m sorry for all the times I hurt you with my Immaturity.
I’m sorry that I couldn't be the person you believed in, and the person you needed.

I don’t know who you are now.
I don’t know how you feel about me.
I don’t know what kind of person you want to be with, and
I don’t know if I’ll ever get the chance to see you again.
I don’t know what the future holds, but

I know it doesn’t feel like we’ve reached the end.
I know that I have a lot of growing up to do, but
I know that today I’m still in love with you.
I know I want to hold you in my arms again.
I know I want you in my life.


I know (KNOW) that you are my soul mate.


But I also know that things might be different for you…

I hope they’re not, though,
And I hope we can spend some time together some day, even if it’s years from now.

I’m going to tell you the same thing you told me in our last conversation together. If we can’t be together now, I'll be right where you left me. I promised I’d always be your friend, and I promised I’d never leave. I want to keep those promises, if you’ll let me.

I’d love to actually talk sometime, but if I don’t get a response I’ll give us both plenty of time to think. It would mean a lot to hear from you, though, and know what’s in your heart.

Thank you for reading.

You're have a beautiful soul, and I care about you very much.

Your friend forever,
_____





Thoughts?

[cmacattack1]

As time passes you will understand that sorry isn't necessary. That is if you want to start a new relationship with her. Remember what I said about how your relationship in the first place wasn't started on apologies? You want to start a new relationship, not build off the old wreckage. Don't come at her with apologies right from the get go. The longer that time passes, it will heal all. The best you can do instead of telling her how sorry you are and how much you have changed, is to just simply change. Put all your effort into becoming that better person and when you run into them next, it will be noticeable. She knows you better than most being there at your most vulnerable and intimate times and she will see it, trust me.

If you think that you want to apologize to take the burden and guilt off of your shoulders, by all means, do it in person. It will have meaning, it will be genuine, and she will see it in your eyes. You are probably thinking that she might not want to meet with you and that's entirely possible. If she doesn't want to meet you in person and listen, she is probably not going to want to read any letter that you write either...

You don't know what to do or what would be the best route to take right now. So what's the best thing to do? Absolutely nothing. There is nothing you can screw up because of how emotional you and maybe even she is currently..

[Gigabitch]

It's an improvement, but it's still a tool to work through your feelings, not a letter to send to your ex. Not yet.

[xyz]

As time passes you will understand that sorry isn't necessary. That is if you want to start a new relationship with her. Remember what I said about how your relationship in the first place wasn't started on apologies? You want to start a new relationship, not build off the old wreckage. Don't come at her with apologies right from the get go. The longer that time passes, it will heal all. The best you can do instead of telling her how sorry you are and how much you have changed, is to just simply change. Put all your effort into becoming that better person and when you run into them next, it will be noticeable. She knows you better than most being there at your most vulnerable and intimate times and she will see it, trust me.

If you think that you want to apologize to take the burden and guilt off of your shoulders, by all means, do it in person. It will have meaning, it will be genuine, and she will see it in your eyes. You are probably thinking that she might not want to meet with you and that's entirely possible. If she doesn't want to meet you in person and listen, she is probably not going to want to read any letter that you write either...

You don't know what to do or what would be the best route to take right now. So what's the best thing to do? Absolutely nothing. There is nothing you can screw up because of how emotional you and maybe even she is currently..

Yeah - I guess I'm nervous that without prefacing everything with a ton of apologies she'll get angry. I guess if that's the case she needs more time or things wouldn't work out anyways.

I'm closer to the east coast, and she's closer to the west coast, so actually talking face to face isn't an easy task with our schedules being what they are. We were on skype all the time, though, so Ideally that's where I want this letter to get us again. At least until things get sorted out.

It's an improvement, but it's still a tool to work through your feelings, not a letter to send to your ex. Not yet.

Yep


Thanks for the continued interest and support, both of you. I can't tell you how helpful this has been, as opening up and sharing my feelings this explicitly isn't something I'm comfortable doing with most of the people in my life. Posting here has probably already stopped me from doing something stupid, and with your guys' help I might actually do this right .

I think I'm going to take a little time to let my feelings coalesce, and then see where things are. Since I've started posting a lot of the pain is going away. It's like I'm getting over the loss of our relationship, but I'm just as excited about having one with her as ever! I might just be using false hope to cope with the fact that she's really gone? I am still worrying that not contacting her right-this-very-second is going to result in missed opportunities.I guess there's no way of knowing, though, so I should just relax.

Either way, thanks again.it means a lot!