Girlfriend cuts herself cos of me

[therealjag]

Hey there,

Sorry about the grim subject line but I really need help.

I have posted on here before about the circle of lying and mistrust that has been going on with my gf but last week i went out with my mates for a drink and somehow got talking to a friends friend. Shes actaully a girl but to be honest i couldnt class her as a girl cos:

A. Shes waaay not my type (dont want to sound offensive so I'll leave it at that)
B. Shes mates with my mates and shes really good laugh, personality wise
C. I have a girlfriend!

Anyway, we ended up exchanging numbers and God knows why i did it cos I was never going to call her anyway and I guess i did it out of politeness more than anything else cos I would never do anything with her - I just see her as a mates mate who i end up sharing a drink with when my mates are there too.

Anyway, I tried to hide it cos i knew my gf would be upset if she found out but she found out anyway and she is devasted. As a result of this she has started cutting herself and blames me for it. Also she had a really big arguement with her dad (her parents are divorced and she really hates her dad) and she tried to take pills during the arguement. she doesnt know how to deal with the aguement she had with her dad either which is probably another factor. She had the argument cos her dad doesnt like me and hates me cos im of a different religion, amongst other family issues.

But basically what should I do, how can I stop her from self - harming now. She says she likes doing it now cos then its the only pain she can control and it helps soothe the pain she gets from other people, i.e. me!

How can i stop her to self-harm? I'm moving out of town for the next 6 months cos o work which doesnt help but i'm really thinkin of just eliminating myself out of her life cos since shes met me I've destroyed her and its all my fault. You can read my other posts if you want more info on the relationship cos its been messed up for ages. Most of our arguements in the past have been cos I get pressure from my family too to not see her cos of the religion thing. I have tried ending it so many times cos of the pain but she just wont let me cos she begs and begs for hours so i end up eventually give in after say 3-4 hours of her non stop begging and crying, and tbh its making things worse and worse.

Any advice, whether good or bad would be great as Im loosing it here and cant handle it :S

[sookie6]

My advice. As harsh as this may sound your role is not to fix her. I would understand if you were married and she was going through a bad patch. Then your duty as a husband would be to see her through this.

But you are both very young and the fact that she is shifting the responsibility of the self harming on you is terribly immature and unfair.

You are not responsible for her issues. You just triggered it. She is using her self harming as a blackmailing tool to control you and to keep you.

If you stay aroung this person you will end up as damaged if not more.

Tell her to go counselling and take her life in charge and do not let anyone control you like this.

PS: I understand you were not atracted by the other girl. But probably you were drawn to her self confidence and happiness. This is what you are yearning for (it's natural) and the fact you contacted her just shows that!

[therealjag]

Hey thanks for the reply.

Yeah I do feel like that I shouldn't be the one to fix her and I personally think her problems stem from much deeper unresolved issues over her parents getting divorced when she was 15/16. She also says she blames herself for the divorce which is even worse and must be very difficult for her to handle.

And yeah about that girl, I guess cos I was out and was finally having a laugh for once, rather than worrying about one thing to the next that I thought yeah well i'll just exchange numbers but I didnt mean anything by it at all and had no intention of "doing anything" with her - and the feeling from her side was the same.

[qwertz]

Walk away, cut yourself out of her life. You are not responsible for her actions, she is. This is attention seeking behaviour and you are not the one to help her.

[vashti]

She isn't cutting herself because of you. She is cutting herself because she lacks the maturity to handle uncomfortable emotions properly. The fact that she tells you about it indicates she is also attention seeking.

Seriously, I think people try too hard to hide their disgust for people who do this. If everyone they knew reacted with disgust, the cutters of the world would stop cutting.

And I agree with everyone else - give her the boot.

[Gigabitch]

^^^ What she said. This is not because of you, it's because she's batshit crazy.

[VincenzoG91]

She needs professional help from a psychiatrist, and even if you were one, it would be unprofessional conduct for you to try to treat her. If you try to stay in this relationship and help her yourself, things are likely to go badly and you will take an unreasonable amount of guilt upon yourself. Get out and try to get her friends to get her some professional help before it's too late.

[vashti]

Cutting is a very common activity with young girls these days. Instead of smoking a joint like I used to do, they cut themselves. Seriously, I think it's just a lack of maturity issue.

[Gigabitch]

If my daughter does that, I will seriously put her over my knee and spank her.

[thewhiterabbit]

People do it for many different reasons. Some for attention, some because the endorphins that pain releases makes them feel better when they are upset, and others as a way of controlling pain to make it feel like they have control. The latter two are serious psychiatric problems that need to be treated. The first is an issue with immaturity. I'm pretty sure your girlfriend is in the first group.

My suggestion to you: if you want to stay with her then ignore her attempts for more attention from you that involve self-harm. Reward her other attempts (if they aren't unreasonable like calling you 20 times a day). Eventually, she'll get the idea of what works.

If you don't want to be with her anymore then get away. Don't respond to her guilt trips to get you to come back. Understand that you did not do this. No one can force someone else to respond to a situation in a certain way. That's something she decided on her own. She feels like it's the best way, and someone needs to show her it's not. It's up to you if you love her enough to be that person.

[QuietLady]

You should go. Get out. She must have some serious self destructive tendencies for her to be doing this to herself. Find someone who doesn't do this to themselves.

[therealjag]

Hey thanks for all the advice guys..I've said to her that what she is doing is immature and although she denies it, I think she does use it to control me cos I guess cos she does that it makes me kind of "scared" in a way to do anything that will upset her. I'm stil baffled as to how I am stil with her cos I have tried so many times to end it but she just doesnt let me. I guess that makes me weak that I cant break it off but I have honestly tried and she just doesnt listen or ignores it.

I'm now also at a stage where I feel guilty cos of all the pain I have caused her but I've said to her many times I dont want to be in the relationship cos she'll keep getting hurt but she doesnt care. Also her head is really messed up now. she doesnt trust me, always checks my phone. she has even took my sim card and started texting my own mates back pretending she is me! i know this is so wrong and it feels like its just gona get worse and worse till she locks me up in a cell (hopefully there will be no gimp mask involved lol). She even lies and says she kissed her exes whilst we are going out, just to try and wind me up to get a reaction out of me. I knwo she is lying so I dont want to react but that just makes her worse and then I just pretend that I'm hurt just to stop her from making stuff up...I know this is not healthy!!

How do I break up with a girl like this...I know it will hurt me cos I love her a lot, and the guilt too but I just want her to understand that I dont want to be in this relationship anymore cos its too painful.

[therealjag]

And I forgot to mention this but she wants me to delete my bebo and facebook page so that no girl can contact me. basically she is doing this cos some random girl has added me and tried to talk to me through facebook and my gf believes I might end up trying something with her :S...

[vashti]

You have GOT to get rid of this girl! She's CRAZY.

You might wish to warn her family (if you know them) that you are planning to break up with her and you are worried about her reaction. They may step in to help her. Then tell her you can't take it anymore, and that you really hope she gets some professional help (she needs it), and then do NOT engage in any more conversation. NONE. Walk away, and don't look back. Change your phone number and delete her from you facebook, and whatever else she might use to contact you. Don't feel sorry for her. She's crazy, and you need to care more about your own mental health than hers, or you won't ever be rid of her.

[dewilliams2]

I think she needs to see a mental specialist...she needs some medication.

I don't get cutting at all...I get cry like a bitch when I get a paper cut.

If you can talk her into going to see somebody that can help her then great if not then you need to walk away.