How long does the heart pain and not being able to eat properly last?

[Bergamot]

Cos its been 3 weeks since the split and still I feel the pain physically somewhere round the heart area and when I at last force myself to make a bit of food I can usually only eat a bit of it. I was beginning to worry I might end up with some eating disorder at this rate

Is there anything I can take to improve my apetite?

[wondering3]

I know exactly how you feel..i lost 15 lbs when my and my ex first broke up because i couldn't eat at all..but i was never hungry..it was awful..just know that other people have gone through what your going though now, and things got better for them..just try to stay busy and keep your mind off things

[cmacattack1]

It's all your mentality and your attitude that can really affect your body physically. Are you wallowing in self pity? Are you idolizing what you once had and wish you could have it back and have this feeling like your life can't go on without that person? You have to tell yourself that you were fine when you weren't with this person and you will be fine again without them in your life. You have to remember that your partner wasn't perfect in your relationship as well, you were both at fault and you are a better person for having experienced this. You have to find things that will make you happy or improve yourself. Gym's a cliche, common one. And it will help you work up an appetite too.

You are the only person that can pull yourself out of this rut. Friends and family can provide support, but only so much. Your ex could help, but they aren't going to. It's all on you. Find your sense of worth inside of you and start thinking in terms of how to make yourself better from this. What's done is done, and you cannot change the past. How will wallowing in it get you anywhere you want to be?

[vashti]

megace works.

But it's probably a better idea to just stop allowing yourself to wallow in self-pity.

[QueenofCorona]

Yeah, don't be like me. I wallowed for a long time. It was the easy way out. It was something I could control. Its harded to start living but so worth it. Someday you'll look back on this person/situation and things will be 20/20.

[lhn]

For me it lasted around 2months... the not eating properly.
3-4months not sleeping properly.

Its a tough battle but you'll get through it.

[sookie6]

It really depends on how deep the wound is, how sensitive you are...

To me the not eating properly...4 days as I love my food...

The heartbreak is still here after 3 years....but I am living with it trying not to let it eat away at me...

Also it's very important to let some time go by (no to the extent of three years though) and then to open your heart to seomeone else and give them the same chances as you gave your ex...when you're able to do that yes you're ready and fully recovered...

[lhn]

I haven't ever thought I would have an issue with loving 'the next person' but thinking about it, maybe I would be a lot more reserved and guarded. Perhaps to an extreme amount
Just going to have to wait and see I suppose

[VincenzoG91]

I lost seven pounds in the first few days, then started to recover. Then we started talking again, and the mixed messages caused me to slip back a bit. I'm doing No Contact for now, plus adopting a cat. I will survive.

[Wick]

I haven't ever thought I would have an issue with loving 'the next person' but thinking about it, maybe I would be a lot more reserved and guarded. Perhaps to an extreme amount
Just going to have to wait and see I suppose

I know in my next relationship I will definately be more reserved and guarded. I dropped my guard completely for this person.

@OP...It's been a month for me and your appetite will eventually return. Mine still comes and goes and have lost a number pounds and more hours of sleep than I'd like to think about. Just begining to realize that no matter how much I wanted/want things to work it's not worth sacrificing my health for it. I can still want and maintain my health. Granted it's easier said than done. Just take it day by day, it's all I'm doing.

[Bergamot]

Thanks for your replies. It is comforting in a selfish way i guess to know that other people are going through the same and inspiring to hear stories about people getting through it.

It was a bit of a shock to me the split. On the surface it looked like we were happy but he did give off some signals of not being too keen which I had talked to him about but he'd said he was keen and used avoidance techniques to avoid discussing things like making jokes, changing the subject and getting busy doing something. He never said he was unhappy about anything. We were always laughing and having fun when together and he was affectionate. But he'd get close then do something distancing and that was the pattern throughout. I was insecure because of this but I kept pretty much most of that to myself, I only took issue with him about cancelling dates and I think I always tackled it in an assertive way, no shouting or nothing nasty. He just ended it without any discussion or trying to sort out what the issues were. He wouldn't talk to me about it or give me a reason why and was getting really annoyed at my questions on the day that we broke up and didn't hug me to say goodbye just told me to get in my car and drive. He didn't contact me for 8 days and I only sent 2 texts to him asking how he was. Then he sent a text saying sorry it ended that way and hes got stuff to give me back. I sent him a couple of texts saying I really needed to know some sort of reason so I could begin to gain some closure. He sent me a short text back after a day with what i consider to be a lame shallow reason that amounts to an insult.

I really worked hard on that relationship I think, I did everything to suit him basically, maybe that was the problem I was trying too hard to be nice and accommodating. If am to blame it was only because I was too easy going and so he didn't respect me enough. Trust me I won't be doing that again.

For various reasons I think the guy has problems with communication in relationships, not to mention commitment issues and probable issues with emotional attachments. So as far as I'm concerned though it looked good on the surface the reality was it wasn't a good relationship for me and I'm better off out of it.

I did try getting him to go back with me on valentines day wrote a nice positive letter about the relationship but it didn't work. So now I've accepted it and really wanna move on. I'm working real hard on the self talk telling myself this is time for me and I can sort out the rest of my life now and I'm really aiming to get myself into a happy place within myself before I even think about another relationship. I've reconnected with the few friends I have and have plans to make new friends and find new interests and work on my business and getting myself back to health and working on the issues that have led me to get into bad relationships in the past and I'm positive I will get through this. I am reading Paul Mckennas I can mend your broken heart book. Keeping myself as busy as I can.

Yesterday was the last contact by text that I will have to him I would not contact him again but he is insistant that he returns some stuff to me that I would rather not have back as i'll only have to get rid of it again as its reminders of the relationship with him. So apparently next week I will have to face him for a cold exchange of stuff. He insists he only wants a couple of items back of his. I'd rather not see him or have any contact with him. I want to break the attachment. I wrote a final closure text to him yesterday which apparently he hasn't read cos he text back he ain't reading my texts no more. I defo wasn't gonna contact him again after that final text anyway and wouldn't do so but for sorting out exchanging the stupid stuff.

But the attachment is still there atm. I havent cried today so I guess thats progress and I do feel much better than I did last week and much better than the awful state I was in during the week after breaking up. I really wanna move on and its frustrating me that I am having trouble eating. I'm trying to forgive him for not talking to me or trying enough in the relationship and breaking up in what I feel was a very cold way then abandoning me. I'm trying to understand that its his issues and look for the good intention behind his actions (like protecting himself). It will take time to do this however. Meanwhile am determined to be more assertive and less of a pushover in any future relationships.

My ex before him was possessive controlling manipulative etc, I've wrote about him in another thread a while ago when I was having problems getting out of that relationship. He is still stalking me to this very day. I was determined not to be anything at all like him but I think I overcompensated and so became a total pushover. That relationship left me with very low self esteem and made the relationship with my latest ex look like it was made in heaven.

I guess now I've committed to moving forward in my life without him I'm feeling frustrated that it ain't happening faster and I cant just magic the attachment away and feeling ill etc.

Sorry for long post I dunno how to stop when I get going

[Gigabitch]

Tell him to get rid of your stuff and ask him specifically what he wants so you can send it to him. There is no reason you should have to see this guy again. He may be ignoring your texts right now, but if he wants his stuff back he's going to have to contact you.

[cmacattack1]

Your ex may be a godsend in comparison to your ex ex, but he was very immature in dealing with his problems. Playing it off as jokes or changing the subject is not a way to handle an issue. I did things like that and in a way it's manipulative. You played the part too of holding it in and allowing it to happen. To just spring this on you out of the blue without talking about it was a dishonest, immature, and selfish move. He might not even know why, or afraid to be honest. Either way, anything you ask he isn't going to answer.

That's why your messages never got any answers. Isn't it funny how he dumped you and left you completely heartbroken and you are the one that asks if HE is doing okay? You put so much effort in and you want to protect and keep that emotional investment. Be happy you actually have the ability to give your all and work hard for something, some people don't sadly. I'd attest to that.

It will be a roller coaster and you will have your ups and downs. If you want to talk to him, try talking on here to us instead. Any effort to reach out to him right now will push him away. He pulled the trigger and wants out, you can't try and bring him back in yourself.

If you want to get your mind off things, try to get yourself in a routine, eat healthy, go to the gym, try to go out with friends even if you are in a sour mood. They will understand and cheer you up, if you aren't stubborn.

[Bergamot]

To just spring this on you out of the blue without talking about it was a dishonest, immature, and selfish move. He might not even know why, or afraid to be honest. Either way, anything you ask he isn't going to answer..

Thanks cmac for your reply. When we broke up I was asking him why but he was saying he didn't know why. I still feel a kind of shock when I think about that day and the conversation where he told me we were breaking up. It still feels unbelievable that he could do that when I think of the good parts of the relationship and all that we did I keep thinking what on earth was he thinking ending it like that? Thats why I texted him during the first week was he ok because I thought at first he was doing it from depression and wasn't thinking straight about us.

I've had times where I've felt more positive but I've had a bit of a setback I think. On Sunday I went with a friend to the beach for a walk but its one of the places me and my ex used to go to for walks. I didn't want to have to give up doing things I enjoy or going to places I enjoy going just because I used to go there with him so I thought I would go there. However I didn't enjoy it much and was just wishing I was there with him and been upset again since then so I think its just triggered it again. I've got rid of a lot of triggering reminders, stuff around the flat and have avoided driving past his neighbourhood and taking a different route to drive to places I need to get to in my business. But its difficult to avoid everything and I don't want to not be able to walk by the beach again for heavens sake. I wish I knew a way to stop the thing that triggers you from triggering the reminder, some way of reassociating it, but don't know how, I've tried googling but haven't found the answer to that one so if anyone has any tips on that please let me know.

He did send a text about a week or so ago about returning stuff and proposing to bring some stuff now if I needed anything and my bike later when he has the bigger car but I texted back to just leave it for now as I didn't want to have to deal with him twice. I decided it would be handy to have my bike back else am going to have to buy another one which I can't really afford. But means facing him again. So trying to put it off till I feal stronger to face him but I still don't feel strong. After 5 weeks I thought I'd be doing better. When I got that text from him it was a horrible feeling reading it all the heart pain came back and I had a panic feeling.

It feels very isolating now I guess that's why I've come back here. I have one friend I can talk to on the phone about this at least sometimes and 1 I can email about it. I don't like to keep going on about it to other people. Normally I'd go looking for another relationship or dating by now but I don't wanna do that this time as I am trying to break the cycle of getting into bad relationships so am reading and working on that. However not having that feels very lonely atm, I guess am in withdrawal from the whole thing not just the last relationship. I'm starting gym on Wednesday and going to a depression group tomorrow (misery loves company ) am trying to find new friends but nothing has worked out so far. I found a woman to go cycling with but of course can't go till I get my bike back ugh.

[cmacattack1]

I can definitely understand where you are coming from. You can't help how you feel. I have setbacks all the time. Of course, maybe posting on here a lot doesn't help but it does feel good to talk about things and get them out.

Nobody would do something like this unless there was a reason and I guess he doesn't want to be honest. Or maybe he was confused. I remember throwing all sorts of answers at my girlfriend when she was dumping me and it was pretty obvious I was confused. The answers were there, I needed a little time to myself to sort them out. Of course by the time I sorted them out, she has somebody else and on their way to replacing me. What are you going to do?

As for getting your stuff back, I'm sure this dragging out period isn't easy on you. Maybe you thought he might reconsider but he seems pretty adamant on his decision. It would probably be best for you to do it as soon as possible so you can get on the road to recovery. It takes some time to recover and it might feel like breaking up all over again.

A buddy of mine dumped his girlfriend out of emotion and was very stubborn. He didn't talk to her for about a year. After the first six months was when he realized that he was stubborn and unappreciative of what she did for him and was too immature to handle it and the responsibility. By the end of a year he was ready to talk to her again and try his luck. It's just another what if to add to the possible scenarios but time apart really does some good.

Be cautious of when you give somebody your everything until you think you really know them, but please do not be afraid to give somebody your all. It may be draining, but the feeling you have of giving something your everything can be very satisfying. Obviously you could have probably done some things differently, but if you felt like you gave it your effort, you really have nothing to beat yourself up over. I didn't give it my all and it's a burden I carry to this day, along with the what ifs. I don't wish this on my worst enemy.