Forgive or Move On?

[forgive?]

Hi everyone,

I'd just like an objective 3rd person's opinion on this. I love my boyfriend of 6 months very much, but I am having a lot of trouble dealing with a recent issue. 3 months ago, he joined a dating site in order to "just talk" to girls--he said that he never intended on doing anything more than talking, he just liked the attention and flattery. I discovered this through accident and was very upset that he would do this behind my back--I felt that regardless of his ultimate intentions, he was searching for another at some level, plus he lied about it. He apologized, said he would never do it again.

Low and behold, it happened gagin several days ago. When I found out, I felt extremely betrayed. When I asked him about it, he lied to my face. I grew very upset that he would do this knowing how much it had hurt me last time, but that was nothing compared to his reaction--he was almost inconsolable. He seems very sincere that he will change, and has been very attentive the past few days. Unfortunately, I am a very sensitive person who hates dishonesty, and I'm having trouble forgiving him or believing he will change given this pattern of behavior.

We're not married, but I love him deeply. I just wanted to get someone's take on this--is it worth the heartache of moving past this in order to keep going? Or since I am young (23) and he betrayed me, should I find someone with more respect for me?

Thanks for reading this far

[Spring Haze]

It depends on a few things. One, do you think trust can be restored, and two, will this lack of respect toward you subside?

Either he's extremely insecure, an egomaniac, or there's something missing for him in the relationship. If it's insecurity or something lacking, he should be communicating the issues with you rather than finding emotional substitutes online.

Six months in and this is the behavior he's displaying. He could easily be looking for a replacement in spite of what he is telling you. How did you find all of this out?

[forgive?]

He's not the sneakiest person--in fact, under normal circumstances, he has trouble lying. The first time I found out about it was because I knew about the profile (that was how we met actually) and was getting some pictures off of it for his birthday gift when I noticed he changed his status to single. The second time was when he left his gmail up on my computer and I thought it was mine at first. So no, not snooping--he just isn't great at hiding things.

[Jas_mine]

Can you honestly trust him, I mean, even after the second time? What has been the excuse offered for his behaviour? Do you wonder whether his contact via dating sites had led to actual physical encounters, why are you so quick to believe that it was all innocent? All are questions which you must truthfully face and answer. Unfortunately everybody's definition of 'cheating' varies and so does therefore their tolerance levels. It seems to me that he is quite possibly searching for somebody better on these dating sites, as if he is not entirely satisfied with you and is looking for a replacement. I'm sorry if it sounds harsh but that is how it appears. If he isn't then why is he actively on dating sites in the first place, especially after you confronted him about it the first time? Do you respect yourself enough to not be disrespected this way?

[vashti]

You don't have much time invested at all. I'd personally cut my losses and give him the boot. Sometimes things just aren't meant to be.

If you decide to keep him, you KNOW you will have only yourself to blame when he does it again. First time - shame on him, second time - shame on YOU.

[Gigabitch]

3 months ago, he joined a dating site in order to "just talk" to girls--he said that he never intended on doing anything more than talking, he just liked the attention and flattery.

What a load of horseshit. If he just wanted to talk he could have joined a place like this one. Dump his ass, quick.

[girl68]

He logged one while you were official no way jose in my book.

you'll love deeply again just not with this dude.

[Chupacabras]

This is all pretty fishy to me. If he needs his ego stroked, maybe he can start hanging out in his local gayborhood?

Edit: And no, I wouldn't forgive him. He knows it really bothers you and keeps doing it... being on dating sites just screams looking to upgrade to me.

[cmacattack1]

<sigh> These kind of stories make me sad. Reminds me of me, letting your ego or insecurity get in the way of something that is perfectly good and working right now (assuming you guys are otherwise a happy couple).

If he's already made the same mistake twice, how else is he going to learn unless he gets a harsh lesson? I was spoiled my whole life and had a girlfriend that gave in when I broke up with her but then wanted to get back together, and I eventually fed her to the wolves. The one that kicked my ass to the curb and held it for a long time was the one that taught me a valuable lesson. And even she gave me many, many chances.

The worst part is that he may not even learn. It took me losing something very important to me to want to change. If he doesn't value what you guys have, and is very quick to delude himself into thinking you are wrong, it could be a long scary life for him. I'd say you could use some time apart for the relationship evaluation, as difficult as it is. Couple months apart as a tentative guideline with no. You love him, but love isn't toleration of their poor decisions. We all afraid that we are going to regret the decision we make when we dump somebody, but there are many people in this world that you will find happiness with if it doesn't work out between you two. And this could make your relationship stronger in the long run or be cutting something that proves to be bad and negative. You can't lose.

[LailaK]

Move on. He lied to you. TWICE. He'll do it again and next time it might be about something worse.

Staying with a liar only sends them the message that their behavior is alright and has no consequences because you are a doormat who won't leave them for it.

My 2 cents.