Am I being unreasonable??

[dreamergirl]

Hi everyone,

Just wanting some objective opinions on a fight I had with my bf today. We've been together around 6mths and early on he was a bit unreliable keeping plans , which pissed me off and I told him this, and since then things were a lot better. Today, however, we were trying to make a plan for him to come over later on this evening. The only time he could get to come around was late, because he was working late tonight and then starting early again in the morning, meaning we'd only get 1-2hrs together. But we were both feeling very amorous (!!), hence the attempt to plan something...

Anyway, he said no at first, it would be too difficult, and I replied that this was totally fine, understand, don't worry about it. Then after my response he said "oh, maybe I can, i'll try.. i'll let you know..." to which I said "no, don't worry about it, I understand it is hard with work etc, and I'd just rather a yes/no than a maybe" (so I can just go out with friends and get on with my night). So he said no, he wouldn't come. Which is fine. But then later he sent me a very explicit email about all of the things he'd like to do to me, and that he changed his mind and would come around. I was out with friends and saw the email when I got home, got excited and asked him when he was coming. Then he told me no, he'd changed his mind because he'd be too tired...

Sooooooo I got pissed off. I mean, this email... well, it really turned me on, and then he changes his mind. I just think it is unfair to do the whole no/maybe/no/yes/no thing... I feel like it is disrespectful too.

Am I overreacting? We had a big argument over this, but he told me I was being very unreasonable and didn't understand the pressure of his work situation etc etc. Am I being unfair or petty?

[vashti]

I think it would have been much nicer to say "oh, okay. let's save it for tomorrow". I mean, it's not like you stayed at home waiting for him. Haven't you ever had a day that was so long/stressful, you just didn't feel up to going out? The guy was thinking of you during the day (in a sexy way), and he told you. I think that was kind of sweet.

But I'm not a male.

[dreamergirl]

thanks Vashti, I guess it is kind of sweet but... my frustration is with him changing his mind, going back and forth, and I guess partly I felt rejected in the end... I mean, I understand tiredness and work pressures (I have a full-on job as well), but I feel like it is unfair to get me all wanting and excited then let me down at the last minute.

[VincenzoG91]

Since he had the tougher work schedule, it might have worked better if you had gone over to his place. However, that option didn't seem to come up in your discussion, so I'm picturing his place as a disgusting mess.

[Gigabitch]

You explicitly told him you need a yes or no rather than a maybe. I don't think that's an unreasonable request. How would he like it if you got him all worked up and then bailed? Nobody likes blue balls, even people without balls.

[girl68]

I'd be a little annoyed. Does this happen often?

I think you need to tell him again that changing his mind 3 times for you is pretty darn stressful. But there should be a point where you stand up for youself and tell him that is needs to stop. Ask him for final answers.

[Incognito]

I am a guy, and I'd be pretty upset if I were in your position. I don't think I would have started a fight about it, but I would have been upset. You said that his indecisiveness was a problem a while ago, but that it hasn't been for a while. I totally understand being let down, but if this is the first time in a while I'd cut him some slack. You could have just cursed him when you got off the phone, taken care of business yourself, and moved on. If he did it again within a short time, well, then its time to say something.

[phys251]

Some people (1) can't seem to make up their minds and (2) like to think out loud. It sounds like that may be what your boyfriend is doing, whereas I'm guessing you're the type that wants things settled and decided.

Perhaps let him know that you felt like you were left hanging. I would also suggest to him that during an initial call like that, if he's not sure right then and there, have him think it over and call you back.

[dreamergirl]

Thanks so much everyone for your responses - really really helpful. It is great to get objective opinions because my bf keeps insisting that I was unfair, not understanding etc, which to me seems harsh because he is the one that broke plans and let me down, not the other way round...

It probably didn't warrant an argument, but unfortunately that is what happened and now we're still annoyed with each other because we don't see eye to eye. I'm kind of thinking I need to give up on this and let it go, even though he hasn't really acknowledged how his indecisiveness made me feel. In fact, he had done the contrary by saying he thinks I have no right to be annoyed. I guess this worries me a little because it signals the possibility of it happening again and again. Do I just let this go and hope that he sticks to his word in the future??

Thanks again guys for all of the advice, much appreciated.