My wife has no sex drive, what can I do?

[Incognito]

Ok, first let me say that I had carefully laid out the situation here and when I went to preview it I was all of a sudden not logged in, which erased the whole thing. Frustrating!

Anyway there is a story behind every person and situation. This is no different. I have been married for over five years, and can typically count on two hands how many times I have sex in any given year. I made the choice not to have sex before I got married, as I try to be a gentleman (plus its not a bad thing to have on your resume when you're looking for a wife). I meet a woman, she's great, we hit it off, later we get married. Anyway, while in Mexico on our honeymoon I say toward the end of our first day, "lets go back to the room" with a devilish grin on my face. She looks me dead in the eye and says, "why would we want to go back to the room? There is nothing in the room except for a bed and a TV". I laughed because I thought she was joking, but she wasn't. We had sex like two days later after I nagged her, and she wasn't into it. After six months of no sex I started buying porn and sex toys. In 2007 we almost got divorced, and afterwards I told her about the porn and toys. She was disgusted, and didn't want to hear anything about them. I have tried numerous times through the years to impress upon her the importance of sex in a healthy relationship. She always says "I'll work on it" or "I'll do better in the future". Nothing ever happens. I'm pretty open about all things (sexual and nonsexual), but I cannot be about the movies and toys because I fear she would destroy them. I actually got rid of the porn a while ago (all 1200 movies), but I kept the toys. I try to accept my current circumstances, but it is just SO hard to deal with. I recently got out of the shower and walked into the bedroom naked (I was feeling quite confident and figured that being wet and steamy would be sexy). Anyway, I walk in to the room, and do you know what she said to me? DO YOU KNOW WHAT SHE SAID?!?!!? She said "put some clothes on" and walked out the room. Damn! What is strange is that I look better now than I did when we first got married. I was slightly overweight and didn't workout then. Now I work out at least 5 times a week and maintain a healthy diet. I am actually moving in the direction of body building.

Just yesterday there was a program on female sexuality covering orgasm, the G spot and a few other things. I stopped there for 15 seconds and she immediately chimed in "why are we watching this?". If it were a program on how to improve male orgasm you'd have to shoot me in order to get me to change the channel (not that I wasn't interested in the program about female orgasm, because I was).

[girl68]

This is why your *should* have sex before you get married. You'll never know if you're marrying one of these types. She said she's open to "working on it" ask her if counselling counts as "working on it".

[Incognito]

I doubt she'd undergo some sort of sexual counseling. I wanted her to take anger management classes and she refused. If she doesn't want to talk to me about sex, and won't talk to someone about something as important as how to manager anger, I seriously doubt she'd talk to a stranger about it.

[Tallgeese]

Mr. Blue Balls, why do you not ask your wife instead of us what's wrong?

[girl68]

One who refuses to work on issues is my version of grounds for divorce. This simply means that one isn't even willing to try to work out an issue. Unless no sex is NOT a dealbreaker for you.

[Incognito]

I thought I made that clear already. I have asked, and I have discussed, and I get nowhere. I was hoping to get a few helpful responses from women here.

[Incognito]

Infidelity is the only real grounds for divorce. If that were not the case I'd have been gone long ago. I do a lot of things on principle and I refuse to be in the wrong on most occassions. This is indeed one of those occasssions.

[girl68]

Do you romance her? Are you a good husband? Not lazy? Work hard? Try to "get her in the mood" (btw walking around naked isn't a woman's idea of getting in the mood- it's a man's), and for your wife neither is sexual comments, obviously due to the epic fail on your honeymoon night.

[Incognito]

Do you romance her? Are you a good husband? Not lazy? Work hard? Try to "get her in the mood" (btw walking around naked isn't a woman's idea of getting in the mood- it's a man's), and for your wife neither is sexual comments, obviously due to the epic fail on your honeymoon night.

I'll try not to be offended by that "epic fail" remark. It would have been inappropriate if I had said that and had only dated her for a short time, but we had dated for a long time and were comfortable with each other. Am I lazy? No. I believe that men should do their share around the house. I cook, clean, do clothes, and take out the trash, as well as dishes 1 or 2 nights a week. I have a full time job and pay for every single bill except for her cell phone bill and her credit card bill. I also have talked to numerous women who are visually stimulated, so that comment about a man's idea of getting in the mood versus a woman's is a generalization (an an incorrect one).

[Lulu]

Maybe she's not having orgasms during sex with you? When I was younger and afraid to tell my guy that I wasn't having any during intercourse- I lost interest- until I worked up enough frustration to tell him that I could only do it with vibrators/oral sex. Then I was all about it- even when I wasn't having an orgasm. Maybe she was violated as a child?? Either way- it sounds like she correlates sex with something negative. Hopefully you can figure out what the negative is....go to a sex therapist!- before your marriage is over!

[Chupacabras]

I'm not sure there's anything you really can do. If she won't talk to someone and has no interest in actually working on it, you're probably at loggerheads. The fact that she made you beg and wouldn't consummate 'til the third day of the honeymoon tells me she is completely frigid. My friend, I hate to say it, but don't throw away the porn.

[girl68]

I'll try not to be offended by that "epic fail" remark. It would have been inappropriate if I had said that and had only dated her for a short time, but we had dated for a long time and were comfortable with each other. Am I lazy? No. I believe that men should do their share around the house. I cook, clean, do clothes, and take out the trash, as well as dishes 1 or 2 nights a week. I have a full time job and pay for every single bill except for her cell phone bill and her credit card bill. I also have talked to numerous women who are visually stimulated, so that comment about a man's idea of getting in the mood versus a woman's is a generalization (an an incorrect one).

A few things to note: obviously your woman isn't the norm. While my guy walking around naked would be awesome... to your wife it is probably verging on repulsing (do not take offense- I'm sure you're looking fine and in great shape). So you need to be more creative if you aren't already. It alsmost sounds as if you're trying to get her to sleep with you in the same way you would want her to get you to sleep with her. (Does that make sense even?). She doesn't want pensis flying in her face, nor sexual remarkes to make her panties wet. This is NOT what works for her. It works opposite. (Granted I don't think she's the type that will ever be all that interested in sex with you unfortunately.)

Anyways- so you're not lazy. That's a bonus but you did not mention a single thing about romance. Does she *feel* appriacted? Does she *feel* loved, wanted and desired (in a non-sexual way first, sexual way second)? Do you wine, dine her? Kiss, cuddle? Hug, caress? Massage? Pamper, pay her compliments? If you say yes, to all these be honest- no one does ALL, always room for improvement. If still none of this works and she refuses to talk about it... I think your choice is limited... to toys if your refuse to consider counselling or divorce.

[Incognito]

Maybe she's not having orgasms during sex with you? When I was younger and afraid to tell my guy that I wasn't having any during intercourse- I lost interest- until I worked up enough frustration to tell him that I could only do it with vibrators/oral sex. Then I was all about it- even when I wasn't having an orgasm. Maybe she was violated as a child?? Either way- it sounds like she correlates sex with something negative. Hopefully you can figure out what the negative is....go to a sex therapist!- before your marriage is over!

That makes this whole situation even more frustrating. I CAN make her orgasm. I have to do it orally, but I definetly get the job done. What normal person doesn't want to have an orgasm? I don't know, that's why I wanted feedback from women who might be able to help. I suppose I can revisit the sex therapy discussion, but I don't expect to get anywhere.

[DarkNeko]

My first thought was maybe she has a past history of sexual abuse and sex is not attractive to her now. Or, quite possibly, she is just not physically attracted to you. Maybe she's just crazy in the head...people who know they have a problem will almost always refuse someone else's suggestion that they seek help. She must be screwed in the head if she thinks she can withhold sex from her husband for no reason and then get all pissy that you're turning to videos and toys to relieve your sexual tension. Personally, I think she ought to be happy you haven't decided to cheat on her...even if you have or are, I wouldn't blame you.

[Gigabitch]

There is something deeply wrong with your wife. She's a dud. I can't understand what possessed you to simply assume that you'd be compatible sexually and not make it your business to discover her glacial frigidity BEFORE you married her. If it was the "gentlemanly" thing to do, consider that it may also be gentlemanly to keep your hands off of her unless you're trying to impregnate her.

Personally, I think that's ****ed up, but it's too late to take back your ring and your vows now. What, exactly, do you think her problem is? Religious issues? If so, the church can actually help you.