Ex is hot and cold- what does he want?

[Lulu]

We've been broken up for about three months- he now has his own place and told me today he was depressed- was vague but said it was for a bunch of reasons, including hating his apartment, etc. He always reiterates that he isn't dating anybody, asked today if I was still dating someone (which I'm not), invited me to an upcoming cage fight of his cause he said it was going to be his last. I invited him out to dinner with my family and he met up at the restaurant for all us- unfortunately plans fell through and so I invited him over for pizza, but he declined- said he had stuff to do, like workout tonight. I later realized that I might have said some mean things- I was joking and nervous- told him he needed to gain weight cause he was starting to look like a fifteen year old boy (he said YOU look like a fifteen year old boy- cause we are both pretty thin these days, I guess) and he said , "Yeah- well I'm ripped" and I replied, "you are?" joking- he didn't say anything! I was listening to a song by Metric "Gold, Guns and Girls" and she sings that all these things "couldn't get you off" and I said the song reminded me of him- he lives life excessively at times- he didn't say a word. I think I may have irritated him- I wasn't trying to- I was just nervous and trying to rile him up a little- usually he gets feisty and we have fun going after each other. But if he IS depressed- I may have made him feel worse! I touched his cheek joking around and he backed away like I was invading his space. He does get flirty quite a bit, though.- like commenting on a new bra of mine that he could see through my shirt, but then just don't know if he is still missing me and thinks about getting back together, or if he is just a flirt and wants to stay friends. How can a girl know for sure. We were together 12 years, I know he cares- he still helps me out with things like shoveling the drive, or calling to get bills straightened out, saying "WE'LL take care of it, We'll figure it out". I just don't know if I were to tell him how I feel if he would get wierded out like he did today when I touched his cheek (I was joking around and poked it). What can I do to find out? I don't want to back him into a corner and interrogate him about his feelings for me- I just would like to know how to figure him out better. Should I apologize and tell him that I hadn't realized at the time how I was coming across- I was just nervous and excited to see him? I don't know if I should tell him the last part, though....

[Lite]

Sounds like he's interesting, but you are actually being mean. The kind of mean a 10 year-old boy is to a girl he likes.

[VincenzoG91]

He wants separate paragraphs.

[Lulu]

Huh? Yeah- I know I was being mean, I would have replied the same to somebody else- but if you knew the whole story, you would be telling me to be a whole lot worse than I was toward him, and we tend to give each other a hard time for fun- so you think he's interesting or interested??....what about the separate paragraphs? Are you making fun of my posting, buddy or are you saying he's over me? I hate separating paragraphs- always have- after college english, I swore I'd never have to worry about doing it again!

[gartlas]

I know what you mean about messing around and being mean to each other for fun , it's often fun . But the problem is sometimes you go too far , touch a nerve or something . He probably recoiled from your touch because you hurt him emotionally , insulting his physique is almost as bad as telling a guy his penis is tiny. Still , you've been together 12 years and you cant figure him out? Defenitely tell him your sorry about how you came across , or that you took it too far or whatever. As for finding out of he still has feelings for you , being blunt and asking up front is the only thing I can think of myself , I find its usually easier than guessing or trying to work it out

[Lulu]

So I talked to him- he laughed and said he isn't mad- just said that I haven't seen him with his shirt off so I wouldn't know how ripped he is- I agreed and told him that I haven't seen him naked in a while so I wouldn't know...I said that since he doesn't know how great I look either since he hasn't seen me naked lately either. He then proceeded to say he would come over tomorrow night at 10pm after the super bowl to help me out with a few things that I need to have carried into the basement- I said he didn't have to cause he has to work at 8am, but he insisted.......uh oh. I won't do it- I'm planning to tell him that I just want to be best friends- so I can finally tell him that I love him and care for him and kiss him (on the cheek) and hug him, but NO benefits included. I miss him- It would be so great to be best friends again (without the benefits, though....)! Do you all think it's possible- can you be BEST friends with an ex of 12 years? Kisses, hugs and "I love you's" included?????

[Lite]

Huh? Yeah- I know I was being mean, I would have replied the same to somebody else- but if you knew the whole story, you would be telling me to be a whole lot worse than I was toward him

Actually, no, I wouldn't. People who say mean things, even in jest, tend to at least mean a little of what they're saying... And even if they don't it adds up in the other person's mind over time. It'd be like if he made repeated comments about your ass getting bigger. Even jokingly, it'd still sting if it was something you were sensitive about. However the last streetfighter I met was a cutter. Only he was too vain to cut himself. So he'd put himself in situations where other people would cut him. I wouldn't be surprised if your guy was a bit bent in the head too. As for what he wants, you're comfortable to him. He knows you. He is probably using you for a sense of normalcy, and doesn't necessarily want a relationship with you again.

[Lulu]

Maybe you are right. I just tend to romanticize the past- there were a lot of great times, but there were also the horrific times that make me resent him. Maybe I just can't forgive him fully and it creeps up and appears in subtle, or not so subtle ways, huh? Those snide remarks really do add up, I know. It just hurts to think of what could have been if what WAS hadn't happened. I just keep thinking if only I could let time heal those wounds, like the saying goes, it COULD be. Everyone always hears of those success stories and I just wanted us to be one of them. Look at Elizabeth Edwards - not even she could make it work, and she seems to be capable of opening her heart more so than than I think I would be. I hope you don't think I'm masochistic- I'm just the naive girl that keeps hanging on hoping for the happy ending.

As far as not being able to understand his thought process- he has substance abuse issues, so the person that is currently using again is somewhat foreign to me because I only stay with him when he is clean. He did very well for about five years and started to fall apart again last spring. It's kind of like Jekyl and Hyde- I'm dealing with a different man currently than what I had when we were together. He eventually realizes that sober is best and where he wants to be, but then he forgets all over again after a while when a difficult situation arises. He has a hard time coping, I guess. It was a rough six months- and there were several outside circumstances that pushed him back to it, had nothing to do with me. We WERE good at the time that he relapsed.

[Lulu]

So I called him at noon- got his voicemail- he changed his message to "you have reached the coolest guy in the world- leave a message but don't text me cause texting is gay"- he sounded drunk- he never used to be so arrogant and he would normally never use a word like "gay"- he told our daughter that he says it a lot now because the 20 year olds he works out with say it all the time... he must have had a REALLY good time going out last night- only today he doesn't get to see me because I left a message telling him it wasn't a good idea to come over tonight so late- that I was going to be busy and he can come over later in the week to help me move the stuff if he was up for it- to call me sometime or I would call him sometime. I kept it upbeat- acted like I wasn't phased by his arrogant voicemail message and acted as if I could care less about when to see him again. It sucks but I really do need to keep a distance in order to move on.....

[Gigabitch]

You can't be best friends with him and you know it. When one of you finds someone else, the other one is going to freak right out.

Stop having him cone over to help you move things into the basement. It's over. He's not your man any more. Do you want to be happy? Then let this go. You're keeping yourself in emotional limbo.

[davidtorres]

Its not that easy to let go since you are still inlove with him and you guys have a daughter. However, you will be stuck there forever if you dont start dating other guys.