Should I give up?

[haggis]

My wife and I have been married 20 years. Two lovely kids. Both employed, no more than usual financial issues.

We haven't had sex in over two years. A few years ago, it got more and more difficult to have sex with my wife; I felt like I was constantly jumping hoops to get laid, and half the time she would just turn me down in the end anyway.

So i decided to quit playing games. I figured I would wait and see if she wanted to have sex with me. Well, it's been over two years, and not once has she indicated any physical interest in me.

Otherwise, our relationship is not too bad, given that the marriage is 20 years old.

But to be honest -- this is a deal-killer for me. I'm done. I'm finished. I don't really give a crap anymore, and the only reason I'm sticking around is for the kids.

I don't know what her problem is. At this point I'm not sure I really care. I'm angry. I suppose we could talk to a therapist, but my wife is highly manipulative -- in her job, that's a good thing -- but in a therapeutic venue, I'm pretty sure she could manipulate things to make me look like a jerk. Which I'm not -- at least no more than any other human being -- but she is really good at that.

I've been true, I've been honest, but I'm not going to run the risk of getting sledgehammered. I don't run around, I work hard, I bring home a paycheck as does she. I'm a good dad. I do my share of the housework and a lot of repairwork that nobody else is capable of.

I quit. I'm just going to ride it out until the kids are gone, and then split. Unless somebody has a bright idea.

Thanks for letting me rant. I've bottled this up for years.

[TAVS]

Sometimes you have to do whats right for you. If I had to guess, I'd say shes getting it somewhere else

[VincenzoG91]

Haggis, try tallking directly to her about the situation. Find out what she is thinking and let her know what you are thinking. See if this is something that you can work on together. If it's truly hopeless and she admits it, talk about options. Maybe she would be okay with you having sex with another woman. Or maybe it's time to end the marriage. But this is a big decision, so it should be an informed decision.

[girl68]

I wonder, how come you guys' haven't discussed this. It seems like you haven't made it clear that this is an issue therefore she doesn't know she has to work on it and talk about it.

And sometimes you can see a therepist on the side yourself. They can help you get everything into perspective in your own head and give you tips on how to convey your ill feelings towards this situation. After a few alone sessions you can invite her into it. This doesn't really give her the chance to make you seem like an ass right off the bat. And FYI counsellors are professionals she should be able to see through your wifes so called manipulative ways...

[Gigabitch]

Haggis, your fear of going to a therapist because your wife would manipulate the situation is evidence to me that you're already being manipulated. Sure, she's clever and all, but a good therapist will not let her drive the session. Don't cut that possibility out.

You're about to walk away from a "pretty good" 20-year marriage without doing a Goddamned thing to try to save it. That's pathetic. You haven't talked to your wife about the lack of sex at all, as far as I can tell and that is YOUR FAULT. She was withholding for years, and that was her fault, but for all she knows, you just lost interest. You have to express your needs, Haggis. She might be smarter than you, but she's not psychic.

I think you're just tired of her and want out.

[Sonrisa]

i am sure he has expressed to her his frustration in the last two years.

what i'd like to know is how old you and the wife are and what are the ages of the kids

[Gigabitch]

It sounded to me like he just stopped even mentioning sex. Guess what, Haggis. That is also a game.

[IncognitoSir]

I hope you have spoken with her about this within the past 2 years. I'm gonna take a guess and assume you have. I can understand your frustration, just explore all of your options and DO entertain any thoughts you may have of why she acts this way. I'de be wondering if she is having an affair as well or is she having personal issues possibly? Midlife crises or something of that nature.

[Sonrisa]

is he ever coming back?

[Gigabitch]

I hope he's too busy having sex with his wife.

[SirWagginston]

I hope he's too busy having sex with his wife.

Two years worth of hot and kinky!

[haggis]

Thanks for your responses...honestly, we haven't talked about it. And at this point, I'm not sure how to even bring the subject up. And if I did, I'm sure the whole thing would get twisted around so that it is all my fault somehow, so frankly, why bother? As long as we keep conversation at the task-oriented level, there are no issues. But I really am not interested talking about feelings because -- well, I guess I don't trust her. It would give her an advantage somehow. I mean, you don't show blood to a shark, it just invites an attack.

I'm well into middle age, and only have a few more years to go before the kids are launched. The thought of living in the house with just my wife makes me feel sick to my stomach.

[irrelevant_89]

Well, I see no wrong in you getting rid of her after the kids are raised. Just let me point out one thing: if this situation happened a few decades ago, when divorce was hardly an option, you'd be either cheating at your own risk or embracing the rest of your life without sex...

... so consider yourself lucky you have a choice.

[Gigabitch]

This isn't about sex. It's about the fact that the two of you can't stand each other any more.

[vashti]

Maybe she is hoping you will initiate a divorce.