Update from "SABOTAGED to get her back"

[David V.]

Good morning everyone.

I'll make a recap of the story I shared in my last thread.
I had been three years in a loving relationship, complete with plans for the fuure.
This did not happen, because, unknowingly or otherwise, I slowly degenerated into a weak person. My partner could not, or would not handle it anymore, and broke up with me via a letter.
I was genuinely devastated by it. I had invested so much in her, thinking that was my way of proving my love and devotion to her, and it ultimately became my undoing.
I went to my mother for consolation and support, but she blackmailed me into giving her almost everything on my partner, and she used this to send her hate mail behind my back.
Even if I did not know it, it was majorly as a result of this, that my attempts to recontact my now expartner, even those in a good note, were met with an "I'm done talking to you".
In my moment of greatest weakness, coupled with emotional and physical abuse involved, I betrayed her to my mother, and am paying the price for it with her distance.

Something I attempted to tell my expartner was that I was IN NO WAY part of it, that I was ABUSED to give that information, and that I would have NEVER approved of such action.

I say attempted because she did not respond. So I was basically forced back to NC, this time with nothing to motivate me to break it in a very long time.

Deep within, I feared being destroyed by such an experience, so I did my best to avoid it. That included being overly nice and dependant. But in the end, it happened anyway, or even because of it. The man I had been until that moment was gone, unable to cope with it.

What no one told me, was that I would be able to rise again, thorough and utter as that defeat was.

Ever since, I have embarked on a long spiritual journey to rebuild myself from that serious blow to my self-esteem and my entire perception of life.

I started to recover, slowly but surely, the full memory of what I exactly was that attracted her to begin with. What principles I valued.

I pondered whether I needed her, wanted her, lusted after her, or truly, genuinely loved her, and in what order.

Before the breakup, it was all four, alright. I loved her for being a wonderful person. I was genuinely attracted to her specific body. I wanted her in my life forever. And most of all, I needed her to be happy. That was my undoing.

I have been told things like "forget her", or "she's gone", or "move on", or even "dude, you're living a fantasy".

At first, I was every bit the dependant sucker who wished all those advice givers to feel my pain and be in my shoes. I admit it. I needed her.

But, the further I went into this road to self-rediscovery, I found that those protests within my core were still there, but with a genuine twist.

She has left the deepest mark in my life, both good and bad, and both out of my own actions. She is within my happiest memories. She means a lot to me, and now I can say this in a truly adult manner.

...and I decided I am not going to give up on her just yet.

That does not mean I will stalk her, or try to contact her anytime soon. Those tactics are completely and utterly wrong.

I accept the breakup was necessary, for me to rethink my life over and put myself on the road to improvement.

But, I still would like to, someday, be a part of her happiness.

Every fibre of my being tells me it is not the right thing to allow something as wonderful as our relationship to die unceremoniously and end with one or both partners hating each other.


I want to become a better man, and to, someday, deserve her once more.

[cmacattack1]

Give yourself a little credit. There are worse things than being devoted and dependant. I'm sure she wasn't perfect in the relationship either. Identifying things that she did wrong as well will help take her off that pedestal you put her up on. If you can identify all her flaws and still love her for the person that she is, it will tell you alot about how you truly feel.

You don't need to become somebody that deserves her, you need to become somebody that you are happy with and I promise you that happiness will follow right after.

You know you aren't perfect and you want to work on things. That's good, you are working towards being somebody you are happy with. Your self worth shouldn't be determined by her and how she feels about you. I'm sure this relationship taught you alot about yourself and about relationships and was probably the best thing to ever happen to you, wouldn't you agree?

She had such an impact on her and ultimately her influence has made you want to become a better person. While you should be thankful for that, whether it works out with her or somebody else, it will all be okay as long as you are continually growing.

[SamFrmMelbourne]

David, I feel what you feel. My ex and I broke up because I emotionally abused her. I was facing a lot of pressure in my life and got lost when we were together and I ended up taking people around me for granted, especially her. It was due to my mistakes that she walked away from my life. It's been a month since I knew she had found another man and everyday I still think of her.

My advise is, don't change for her or to get her back, but do it for your very own self. By the time you've become a better person, your ex might've changed into a different person as well. I've been told by three different people that my ex had changed and I experience it first-hand how she has become someone different. She is not the sweet girl I fell in love with two years ago.

The danger in this situation is, if you become a better person for her or to get her back and in the end, you find out she is not her past self anymore or she doesn't want to go back to you, you may think all the changes are useless and this may lead to you undoing all these changes. So, be a better man, by all means, but do it for yourself.

[cmacattack1]

David, I feel what you feel. My ex and I broke up because I emotionally abused her. I was facing a lot of pressure in my life and got lost when we were together and I ended up taking people around me for granted, especially her. It was due to my mistakes that she walked away from my life. It's been a month since I knew she had found another man and everyday I still think of her.

My advise is, don't change for her or to get her back, but do it for your very own self. By the time you've become a better person, your ex might've changed into a different person as well. I've been told by three different people that my ex had changed and I experience it first-hand how she has become someone different. She is not the sweet girl I fell in love with two years ago.

The danger in this situation is, if you become a better person for her or to get her back and in the end, you find out she is not her past self anymore or she doesn't want to go back to you, you may think all the changes are useless and this may lead to you undoing all these changes. So, be a better man, by all means, but do it for yourself.

Remember Sam, you guys have a bad history and she might not be sweet to you because she hasn't gotten over that bad history. Who knows who she really is these days.

[David V.]

She said she wanted to be the one I could rely on for support, but at the end it showed the role was too big for her to handle. I had made it so, unknowingly.

She broke up with me via a mere letter, after which she allowed no further communication, not even on a good note.

She had promised she would give me signs of what was wrong before it was too late, but she failed to do that.

When she broke up, I in my mind had not only tried to take her off her pedestal. I even tried to outright DEMONIZE her.

But with time, I learned to think of her not as an angel. She did not have unlimited endurance. And I also learned to not see her as a cold demoness who only used me. She did give me years of happiness.

I saw her just as what she was. A fallible human being, like me and everyone.
And, even now, the good still outweighed the bad.


============
To even dream of becoming someone that deserves her....the first thing I must do is to become someone that deserves himself. There is something that should be done about this occasional feeling of self-loathing.

[SamFrmMelbourne]

David, I once had the same thought as yours. I felt disgusted at how bad I mistreated my ex. I vowed to change myself so if I ever had the chance to get back together with her in the future, I would be ready, as a new person. It was wishful thinking. In reality, the chance of that happening is very slim. My ex has found someone else and they look happy together. Why would she get back to someone who hurt her in the past?

Some mistakes are irreversible. We both have created a bad image of ourselves in our exs' minds, something that we may not be able to erase at all. While we have learned a lot from our experience and we now know how to make the relationship works, we may not have our 'second chance'.

You may keep the hopes for reconciliation with your ex, but please stay open-minded, prepare for the worst, and don't miss out on other opportunities in your life.

Remember Sam, you guys have a bad history and she might not be sweet to you because she hasn't gotten over that bad history. Who knows who she really is these days.

This is true, but I'm going to let the hopes for us to get back together to die, if they could ever die.

[cmacattack1]

Sam's right. Spoken like a true relationship vet.

And most of us hard headed guys got the second chance during the relationship. And the third, and the fourth, and etc. When they finally gave up hope on us and their feelings are gone is when they finally dropped the bomb and we are left scrambling for shelter.

Fear not though, there is somebody else out there waiting for us and ready to give us a chance because we haven't screwed up in their eyes yet. That's why it's important not to get down on ourselves for a long period of time. They could be passing us by as we speak.

[David V.]

I suppose I could live with myself, knowing I made at least one final attempt. After that, I cannot longer reprimand myself over not having fought hard enough for what and who I believed.

[sookie6]

But with time, I learned to think of her not as an angel. She did not have unlimited endurance. And I also learned to not see her as a cold demoness who only used me. She did give me years of happiness.

I saw her just as what she was. A fallible human being, like me and everyone.
And, even now, the good still outweighed the bad.

David you need to remember that after a break up we go through various phases. There is one that made me very confused.
The phase when despite of everything that's happened (and we know that a lot of bad blood happens because otherwise people would not break up) despite of all the pain and sometimes hatred the phase when strangely enough all we can think about is how good we were together.

This is the worst phase because it really makes you feel shit about breaking up and screwing everything up. You feel guilt and remorse that you let something so good escape.

It's actually a friend of mine who made me aware of this. She had been through a major break up in her life (7 year relationship, her first love) so she was very knowledgeable in post break-up trauma.

It's only when I concentrate harder that I can go back to all the crap and how bad I felt in the relationship toward the end and remember that it wasn't meant to be...

If you think about it our brain is physiologically made to erase bad memories.

Think about the people victim of abuse when they were younger and who have eliminated the trauma from their conscious mind...or how sometimes we embellish something that was really crap indeed just because we want to think only of positive things...


So be warned that for a long while you'll only remember your ex as an angel...and you'll have to take her down her pedestal in order to really move on...

[cmacattack1]

Concentrating on the bad things is helpful to convince yourself that it wasn't meant to be, but remember that we are all human and we all make mistakes and are constantly growing. What's to say that the people you have become afterwards wouldn't be able to do it? I think that change is rare and that's why we all write off as it wasn't meant to be when it's very possible.

It's very possible to identify the bad things in you, in her and despite all that still love them and want to be with them. Knowing that you shouldn't though if nothing has changed is important. I think it's much healthier to do that than just write them off completely. If you write them off completely, I think you absolve yourself of your responsibilities and not learn very much from the relationship.

Every realtionship is different and there are some people that you just shouldn't be with. I'm just saying most relationships fall into the category above.

[David V.]

Oh, no. I have every bit of the bad memories. What I am trying to say is, that I began to see them as a rather natural part. I should not have expected it to be completely perfect. While I cannot worship her, I learned I should not demonize her either. She is human.
Perhaps it was not meant to go on from that point.

I feel like I owe it to myself to face her someday, when I and her have matured more.