-me- (making first contact, and getting my foot in the door)

[inu]

Hello everyone. A bit of advice would be appreciated. I'll just explain who I am and what I want to know about. If some of it soudns "arrogant", well, I'm just saying it like it is :

I'm a 23 year old man, and by all accounts very handsome indeed.
My self-confidence is way up there, I really like myself - who I am today and who I want to be in future. I have absolutely no problem with, for example, public speaking or taking charge of groups, teaching (even older adults), and things like that. I know that I come over as very confident and self-assured.

Now, outside of "formal" social situations such as work, or organised hobbies, or basically things where I am with other people for a particular purpose - I am a bit of a weirdo.
So much so, in fact, that to date three or four people have independantly suggested that I am probably a bit autistic.

I don't need to put a name on it, but certainly I have always been a bit different, socially. I just don't *get* a lot of ways people behave, and I can't bring myself to act in those normal ways, even though I know exactly how I need to behave really, to get a certain result.
I was 20 before I talked to any girls properly, and really it was only a year ago that I started trying to be more sociable generally and "going out" sometimes, meeting new people and so on. Maybe it's just that by this age most people have 10 years' more experience there than me.


Several new people I've met in the last year have assumed I am a total stud, I guess because I'm quite an attractive person (until they get to know me better, anyway) and very confident, but really I've slept with three women so far and they basically all came to me. I've never started anything myself, successfully.

I've been on some dating sites, and get about a 5% reply rate and about a 1% meet-up rate. I reckon I could have had 6 or 7 nice women from the site in the last year if I had just been able to conform to normal behaviour for a little while, and say what I was supposed to say, at the right time. I always know I'm "doing it wrong" but somehow can't change it.

Erm... yea so basically I guess one problem is that I have no idea how one actually meets new people. I'm talking about the very first contact, breaking the ice, I suppose. Once there's a reason to speak to them, or if we're forced together in some situation, then I'm away - no problems, and I can talk well.
But... how are you meant to start it off? I don't have any "friends" so I don't meet new people through other people, so I guess it's literally got to be a case of walking up to strangers and striking up a really awkward conversation.

My problem with that is that it's just so cringey, like, how horribly obvious! I feel like I ought to apologise or something, haha. "Shit, sorry... this is really ****ing lame but yea... hi... :/"

And I also just feel that girls probably don't want to be bothered, and will be annoyed and upset by yet another guy wanting their attention.

OK - secondly, when I do get a chance, I can never do anything with it. Last weekend I basically ruined EIGHT good chances with women, haha. Examples:

> A girl I kind of know, who I know found me quite attractive - I saw her in a shop, but just said "hi" and kept going, then moments later I thought "why didn't I stop and talk to her??"
> Literally two minutes later, this random woman in the street, coming in the opposite direction to me, was looking at me... she smiled as she got closer, and caught my eye. I just kind of looked away and put on a bit of a frown.
What was I meant to do there, stop and say "Hi, so I noticed you smiling at me. I find you attractive also. Let's go somewhere and talk." ???
This kind of thing has happened a number of times before, actually, especially if I'm outsomewhere at a music thing or whatever, girls looking at me all evening and then putting themselves somewhere I could easily go and say hello, but I never do.
> Two girls I know called me that night and just started chatting. But it always goes like this:
"heyy how are you?!?!"
"yea not bad"

"coooool what have you been doing???"
"nothing"

"ok.. erm..."
"...."

"What are you doing tonight, then?"
"nothing"

"hehe what, literally NOTHING?"
"No, I mean I'll probably just go on the computer, play my guitar, cook, eat..."

"ok cool. So how's it going?"
"...."


....I basically just have nothing to say to people. I've been told off about it before, when people come and ask me questions and I answer them, and then they think I'm being really rude because, as it turns out, they weren't really asking me that question but trying to get me to go off on a big conversation and start asking them stuff back.

Now, to be honest, I do know what people are expecting when they say certain things to me - but something prevents me from behaving in that way. It seems deceitful, somehow, because I am so aware of how to basically manipulate people. I just can't bring myself to do it.


Sorry it's such a long post, but tbh I'd write more if I could! You can't get a reliable idea about someone's mind and behaviour from something even ten times as long as this.

Summary:

>> I've got everything going for me, but I lack *something* - something that stops me ever talking to strangers.
>> Similarly, I seem to just push anyone away who does show interest, or don't act in quite the right ways to get anywhere.

Importantly, when I drink (not often) I pretty much become like a normal person is while sober, and whatever it is that stops me from initiating conversations and being friendly just disappears.
Shall I just drink more often, haha?



meh, I don't know what I'm asking. Either way, I'm a very happy person and nothing's "wrong" really, but I wouldn't mind hearing some ideas maybe.
Ask anything else you want to know.

Thanks!

[tufty]

I think its a self-concious problem not autism or anything.

I think you are fine speaking in public because you are confident about what you are saying and you know what reaction you will get. You are in control of your surroundings.

Because you havent had much experience with the opposite sex you have no idea what to say or how they will react and then, in turn, how you will react to their reaction.

it isnt deceitful to say 'hi, how are you?'
it isnt deceitful to say 'would you like to go for a coffee sometime'
it isnt deceitful to say 'hi, my name is ***** i have seen you here a couple of times before and never had the courage to speak to you, could i buy you a drink?'

i think you need to feel control of a situation, unfortunately in these situations you cannot control their reactions.

All you can do is rehearse the outcomes

if she laughs and walks away

if she smiles back and says - i would love to - mines a skinny cappucino hold the sprinkles!

or

half a lager and black for me geezer

yaknow - if you could think of all potential outcomes and imagine keeping ur cool - then you are nearly there.

Once you get them to the coffee shop or the bar - then your first line should be. 'It feels really awkward to come up to a girl and start a conversation, i get flustered.....'

Her reaction should be [if she isnt a complete tosser] one of empathy, so you are already on a good footing, dont go on about how lacking in experience you are, dont pick your nose, dont break wind [unless she does] and ask her about herself. Let her ask about you. Find a common interest and go with the flow.

If after a few minutes you dont want to talk to her anymore, be polite. On the other hand if you like talking to her, at the end or close to the end of the chat as for her number, if she doesnt give u it - say it was nice to chat and see you around.

The guy that has been chasing me for a few weeks saw me looking at a furniture ad in the newspaper the other day and just randomly started asking me if i was getting a new bed - the flirt started there and carried on and on and on.....

It helps to have a bit of cheekiness about u - well it helps u pull me if u do anyways lol

[Lulu]

I was looking at David Wygant's site recently and he was talking EXACTLY about this very same issue that alot of men have- you should check out his site!

[-=Wonder=-]

Hey, I'm 16 ad I've got the exact same issues as you. All my friends are "players" or can go up to girls and talk to them. I can't even picture it in my head... I just imagine saying "Hi" and having an akward silence ; thinking that I'm bothering them or something. Its like Im thinking that they will think bad of me.

But my advance would be.. just talk to a girl and ignore the outcome... although it is easier said then done, as I also have problem doing it.

Good luck