So as the title says, I'm almost 19 and never had a boyfriend. Never even been kissed. I used to have really low self-esteem about my appearance, but I think I've gotten better over the past two years. The problem is that I've been so used to not being wanted by guys, that I still put up a barrier when I'm around guys. I talk to some guys as friends, but I give out this vibe that I'm clearly not interested. The reason I do this is because I used to be so afraid of getting rejected in my ugly days that I'd put up a tough demeanor to protect myself. It was basically my way of saying, "Yeah, I know you don't want me, but I don't want you either so there." I don't know how to flirt or anything.
I'm also convinced that there's basically nothing likable about my personality. I've been called boring several times in the past, and it's gotten to me. I don't think I'm interesting and I don't think people particularly care if I'm around. I'm not the person that someone would say "I wish so-and-so were here." I have this paranoia that everyone thinks I'm ridiculous or just flat-out doesn't like me. I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know how to let loose and just live in the moment and be myself. I don't feel like I've felt "comfortable" in a social situation in YEARS. I'm always analyzing what I'm going to say and do instead of just BEING and living the moment like a normal person.
I also don't know where to find any guys. I go to college where most of the population is female, and the guys that are here are mostly gay or not my type. I don't know what to do.
To make matters worse, I basically have no friends. I mean, I have people who I call "friends," but I don't feel a true connection with any of them like I used to when I was younger. I don't feel like anyone actually KNOWS me or cares about me. I'm just feeling really, really lonely and depressed lately. I would love it if I had a guy who cared about me and who would cuddle with me and do all that sweet stuff that couples do with me. I want some companionship and I also want the romantic experience.
I'm starting to feel like I'm going to be alone forever and that I'm never going to find a boyfriend.