My girl loves someone else

[AndyT]

Hey guys and girls,

I met this girl about 4 months ago at a bar in town. The chemistry was like nothing i could ever describe. We dated once or twice before having sex, which was hands down the most passionate lovemaking i have ever experienced. We spent about three weeks dating and sleeping together before I was sent away for three months to afghanistan. During this time, i organised flowers and chocolates to be sent to her home for her birthday, i managed to call her for christmas and new years, and chatted to her on facebook whenever the chance presented itself. Long story short, I had fallen in love with her, and every day i would spend several hours thinking about her flowing hair and her amazing smile. It was hard to be away from her.

During one of our conversations the topic of ex's came up. She had broken up with her first love about a year ago. He lives in her home town which is a long long way away. She said that they were now best of friends, and talked all the time. Furthermore she couldnt really explain the reason for their breakup to me - other than because she moved town for university. I was both surprised and a little concerned that she might still have feelings for him, but I was prepared to wait until i got home to find out. One of my girls friends had also told a friend of mine that there may have been unresolved feelings between my girl and her ex.

Upon my return I spent the first night home in her arms, and we made love again (not as passionately as before but i wasnt expecting perfection after three months away). Two nights later, though, I went around to her place to watch a movie. She had an old ring on which he had given her. There were old photos of him placed around her shelves. All night she was acting distant and aloof. If I tried to kiss her she would reluctantly do so but then pull away from me shortly after. I soon realised that this was a very cold reception.

It has been so painful to fall in love with someone - go through a phase of not being able to see them, spend christmas and new years alone in a desert, then return to find that the one thing that kept me going is a girl who is hung up on somebody else (who dumped her 12 months ago.)

If I can help her through this, I will do everything i can. I'm not going to continue to hand her my heart so she can drag it through the dirt behind her as a backup though. I'm actually pretty pissed off that she led me on for this long, but she is probably just as confused as me. Can I help her get over the ex, or should i cut and run, then try to heal myself? I feel that I am probably in the wrong position to try and help her do this, but i love her and want to do everything i can. Thanks for reading, any advice would be much appreciated.

[doppelgaenger]

Andy, you can't 'help' someone like that. They're supposed to come to their own conclusion before they start the next chapter of the book, so to speak. She should have been well over her ex before getting romantic with you. I totally understand your feelings and furthermore I would drop her like a hot potato.

Sometimes even sharing the delicate information about past relationships causes conflicts. How could you ever put aside your own feelings and choose to deal with this crap?

Don't be a rebound.

[shheadz]

All other things aside, there's no reason to think a budding romance of only three weeks was going to survive three months apart. Especially with someone you met cold at a bar.

Listen, I spent my time in Iraq, so I know how easy it is to romanticize the girl you left back home. Everyone over there starts writing their girls 12 letters a day, because it's the only thing to hold on to. Many of them get dear john letters in return. Anyway, the point I'm trying to make is, you should stop and consider if your feelings for her are really true.

[bkzsick0]

Wow. That's the first thing I have to say, lol. The situation is your everyday one now is it? Here's what I think...since you don't know what the deal is with her and her ex and don't know the reason why they broke up you must assume. Maybe he broke her heart and she can't get over it..Be careful not to be the rebound, especially if you love the girl bro because it kills to have such strong feelings for someone that doesnt have them not only for you but has them for someone else that probably doesnt care as much as you...what you have to do is talk to her about it..be upfront...and dont hide your feelings from her because one day itll all just hit you because u never asked...u gotta grab ur nuts bro and just ask her " listen whats going on with you and ur ex?..is there still anything there between you guys because if there is, hey, work it out but dont waste my time and effort if you dont have intentions on moving on from him and moving forward with me...and if theres not then why this distance? why this coldness from you?....tell her that you much appreciate the fact that she helped you through the holidays in the desert and stayed in contact with you and made you feel good.but the thing is...you dont want to get ur hopes built so high just to have everything come crashing down so you got to find out what her intentions are with you bro..all i could say...