Does it bother you if a new girlfriend is less "kinky" than the last?

[Luca]

So....I am back with my ex. So far so good. However, OF COURSE, some of the same stuff that bugged me before is resurfacing..

I know, because he has alluded to it, and because we have mutual friends...that his ex-girlfriend was bisexual. She would on occasion bring home other women. He would not sleep with these women, but would watch her while she did. I questioned him about it, and he said it was something his ex enjoyed, and that while he thought it was "hot", it was something he could live without, and that realisitcally, he always felt a little strange about the whole arrangement.

However, he always makes comments alluding to lesbians, or two women together being really hot. Last night we had the tv on in the background while we were eating. A scene in a move came on which showed two women making out. He totally quit listening to what I was saying and focused on that scene.

I am very straight, and not at all willing to bring another person, male or female, into an existing relationship. It makes me feel really insecure that there is something that he is sexually really into but that I can never provide. Part of my enjoyment of sex is pleasing my partner and the fact that I cannot do that completely for him makes me feel insecure. I know this is my issue, not his. He has never pressured me or made me feel like I was not fulfilling.

My questions is......have you ever dated someone who was "kinkier" or did things that your next partner was not willing to do? Was this a disappointment? Or...suggestions for how I can get over my insecurity.

[Chupacabras]

Sure. My current GF is more reserved than the last (though I'm loosening things up). She's asked about some of the things my last GF liked and I'd tell her, in vague terms. It doesn't bother me that she isn't into the same stuff, though I think she was a little self-conscious about it at first, too. Just because a guy's done it, doesn't mean he won't be happy if he can't repeat it.

[Glith]

More than likely, those experiences he had didn't live up to the fantasy of it.
If he's turned on by lesbians, fair enough, but the odds are that he's experienced it, he was slightly let down, and now is happily back in fantasy land.

You adapt your sex life to the person you're with. If my current girlfriend didn't do something that my last did, I'd focus my energy on something she DID do, rather than fretting about what I don't get anymore.
Sexually everybody's different. You're probably doing some things better than his ex, and he'll just be enjoying that.

I can't speak for most guys, but I don't compare, I just enjoy what I have.

[jessZ]

Yeah I agree. He already told you the arrangement didn't quite feel right. Obviously the idea still turns him on, like any other fantasy would, but it doesn't sound like he wants to do it again really.

Before my current bf I had a fling with a guy who was verrrry kinky and we were pretty much a perfect match in bed, BUT there's no comparison with my bf because the emotional intimacy takes things to a whole new level. There's no way I'd give that up to try a couple of extra moves in bed.

[girl68]

You need to tell him that sometimes his comments hurt you. He's accepted that you're not into it. So you need to accept that.

[Luca]

I think I feel more insecure because after talking to him, he said he wouldn't be into it because he knows I am not into it, but that if I were he would be up to do it again. It makes me think that it was a positive experience for him.

I have dated guys before that had previously been involved in situation where there were multiple partners involved, and both of them said that it had ruined their relationship and they would never be up for it with someone they cared about (in that case-me).

[Glith]

Well, his experiences were of nothing more than voyeurism, as opposed to an actual sexual encounter with multiple partners. It wasn't a bad experience for him, but it sounded like it wasn't anything particularly special either. If you two experienced it together, it might add a bit of spice for him, but nothing much more.

In my last relationship I had the opportunity for a threesome with two women. It was me who chickened out in the end, because I was worried that it would have the same impact it had on your ex's relationships. I didn't believe truely that my girlfriend would been able to deal with the memories of me with another girl once all the excitement had died down.
If she'd asked me to watch her with another woman, without getting involved myself, it would have been a totally different experience.

[NeoSeminole]

girl68, are you a man posing as a woman?

[girl68]

OK listen Luca, I'm going to admit that I'm also a little insecure/ jealous about past sexual experiences of my bf. That said I've learnt (the hard, very hard way) that I should not ask, and he should not tell- ever. However that doesn't mean that what I know isn't true. I know what he's done, and it was similar to this siutation. I like you expressed that it wasn't my thing. He like your guy expressed that he doesn't care, doesn't need it and won't be craving it. This DOES NOT mean he didn't like it, and wouldn't do it again should it be presented. To be honest his comment about "if [you] were he would be up for it" was a very dickheaded move on his part. He just HAD to get that peice in all the while known it isn't ever going to happen. That was very inconsiderate of him.

You on the otherhand can't honestly, realistically expect him to say that he didn't enjoy it did you? So then why are you upset to find out (in your words) that "it was a positive experience for him". Duh! Of course it's hot to a man for 2 girls to be getting it on. For nearly all men for all of time have found that to be extremely arousing. So really, be practical. He said it's okay if you're not into it, but don't expect him to tell you that it wasn't good and he'd never want to do it again. Please don't be 'that' girl. I would know, being 'that' girl sucks.

[girl68]

girl68, are you a man posing as a woman?

Yes, I have a huge dick, love pounding any girl who will spread her legs.

[Luca]

I know. I am being silly. Obviously I have had sexual experiences in my past that I really enjoyed and that I wouldn't/couldn't replicate with him. It still bugs me though. Its not logical I guess-but I keep feeling like even though he "loves" me, she is more of his sexual fantasy. It doesn't help that she is really hot either.

[BoredGeorge]

I do not know because I have never had a girlfriend, but I imagime kinkeyness would run secondary to looks.

[girl68]

I see, trust me you're not alone. I'm still "working on it" whatever that means. But you have to 1 say what he's doing still bugs you. Do NOT tell him the fact that he's done it bugs you that's a recipe for disaster. Besides wtf is supposed to do about it? Nothing he can't possibly do ANYTHING to make it okay for you. You may tell him that talking about it, mentioning it and referring to is makes you very unhappy, and it hurts. He should have no problem not doing this. If he does... well that's just a whole other story.

[Thelovedoctor]

the only "kinky" thing that happened to me, was one of my ex's tried to bring another dude into the bed without telling me. we were making out, and suddenly I felt the weight on the bed shift over a bit, which I just thought it was just me, right up to the point where I felt a fairy arm reach over me and grabbed my ex's boob.
that ended that night and relationship right then and there(which was about 2 weeks).

[Luca]

Ha Ha-that is horrific and funny. Now I will be waiting or some other woman to jump out of my bf's closet while we are having sex.

Did you mean hairy arm or fairy arm?