Ignore and they may Return, But.

[pinkinterlude]

I wouldn't say I was in your ex's position, I was the one dumped. And by issues, I had more issues with myself. I've never had issues with an ex really, I've always had a good 4 months on my own before a new girlfriend. Then again, I've never really been in love until my last relationship, and even during that relationship I kept fighting against it.

I've come to realize that even though my mother has been the best person in my life and my only real parent, she lost her patience with me often struggling as a single parent when I was younger and took her frustrations out on me as the target of her emotional abuse. It's left me with little or no self esteem and although I feel confident out on my own sometimes, I'm really not. I couldn't even take compliments, even when my girlfriend wrote me letters when I was down saying "Why are you like this? You have this and this going for you." I treat my friends like gold, but I'm emotionally abusive to my intimate partners in my life and it's really ****ed up. Losing the last relationship I had was the straw that broke the camel's back and I'm committed to making everything right in my life.

Anyways...YOUR problems. I was just agreeing that you can only do so much but if you aren't getting anywhere because he isn't helping himself, you have to let him be and do his own thing. My ex tried so much to pull me out, but she was also doing it to get the love I used to give her in a selfish sort of way. I didn't want to help myself and she got sick of it and let all this anger build up and let it loose. Sure he still cares about you I'm sure, but his emotions are really running his thoughts and actions right now, hence the calling you and coming to see you but then backing away. You have to before you build up any more anger or hurt than you already did, that is if you really value this relationship and want this to work. My ex didn't she wanted to be happy and I honestly don't blame her. She didn't try to understand though and if you are there to understand, whether it works out or not, it will bring you a long way and is an important skill to have in a relationship partner.

Remember you have to ultimately put yourself up there above this relationship. Do what makes you happy. Being away from him makes you sad right now, but being with him while he isn't working out his problems hurts much worse.

It seems you have had time to sit down and really think about yourself and your relationships and realising certain things and having explanations is definately a step forward. You seem like a smart person. You know where things have gone wrong and you're willing and wanting to make things right. Just remember sometimes things just dont work out (I maybe should take my own advice), so dont always put yourself down.

I think understanding is a major thing in a relationship and thats what I'm trying to do, cos I really dont want to lose him. Plus the fact that you are understanding yourself will make things for you better and much happier in the long term, whatever happens.

I just want to say thanks for all your advice so far, you've really helped.

[pinkinterlude]

He sent me a message last night which I only got now cos I had an early night.

'I know we havent spoken in a while but Im just so excited, got my driving lesson booked next sat, bet you a pint that I pass before you xx'

It was quite a surprise cos I didnt really expect to hear from him. And if I did then I thought it would be some drunken call/text tonight. Its nice to hear from him when he's actually sober!

Should I reply? I don't see any harm in it to, but what if this is just a way to ease his conscience cos he said he feels bad for hurting me. Ive realised that for the past two weeks, I havent initated contact with him, its always him calling/texting/turning up. Do you think he might be thinking he's losing me?

I know he won't have sorted out his problems already, but do you think maybe he is beginning to?

I'm trying not to get all girly over this. But Im a bit confused as to what this is.

[Petit Papillon]

I ask myself this question everytime I see those pity posts from people who want to get back together with their exes or feed them self with hope.
Why You do that? If this relationship would be worth to continue , You wouldn't break up in the first place,right? So why the hell are You still keep on trying. Even if You get back together , I bet my beloved laptop that You will split up in next few months .Why? Because people break up for A REASON. People who are happy enough or are really want to be together don't split up. If they have problems they try to fix it ,they try everything before they take the very last decision to split up. Cause this should be the final decission, right? So why are You even want to get back?
The same with keeping the contact. After You are with someone ,there is just small percentage of people who stay friends after that. Why? Because You will never look at You ex the same after being with him. You will feel akward everytime Your ex will have new partners. So why want to keep the contact?
Just my opinion on this subject

[Moe]

I feel for you, it's definately harder to deal with if you have that connection with her; your children. You have to do whats best for them and it seems like you are handling things well, considering the situation.

Its seems you are now able to see things in different light and I hope the sit down with her goes okay.

Keep doing what you are doing. You definately seem to know what is right for you and your children at this time, and that shows strength and confidence to your ex, despite hurting yourself.

Yes the kids do make it very hard they were always my number one priority and her's I thought. My daughter was the biggest looser in all this because this was the only mother she ever knew. We have had to go to talk to people who know more then us.
Yes I see things so much better and maybe I'm looking for all the wrong reason's (revenge).LOL
She made a comment about gift's I gave her kids for Christmas, One was so exciting he kept wanting to call me to go out and play. The other was for her other sons hobby and she said I didn't even know he needed one. She doesn't know these things because she's to selfish worrying about herself and not her kids. This is one of the reason's I don't care for her any longer. I do still feel for her kids because they want so much more and she can't see it.
I will be going back to N/C today just because I can.

[cmacattack1]

I ask myself this question everytime I see those pity posts from people who want to get back together with their exes or feed them self with hope.
Why You do that? If this relationship would be worth to continue , You wouldn't break up in the first place,right? So why the hell are You still keep on trying.

Especially during the college years, the late teens early twenties we go through so much change and transition, and too often our priorities aren't in line. When they aren't in line, break ups do and have happened. Even as a fifth year senior at school, my priorities were having a good time, girlfriend second (or third or...you get the point). She is two years younger than me and we both valued having a good time, which is what she really liked about me.

However, when she met me, her priorities changed and it was our relationship first and I didn't change mine. Undoubtedly I would have changed them eventually but far too late to save the relationship. It was a real wake up call for me, and now that I'm out of that "fun" lifestyle and I've lost what I've come to realize as truly important, I'm doing anything I possibly can to prepare myself for what is now my current priorities. I don't want to get shitcanned with my friends all the time anymore. Other than going back to school, what I want nothing more is what I had with her: a deep and meaningful relationship. Only this time, I have my priorities straight and I can give her my one hundred percent. She doesn't know this and she's very hurt by what happened and she very well might not ever want to know this. Whether it's with her or somebody else though, I'm prepared.

The point is that what happened with me is that I lost something that was truly important to me and it brought about some inspiration and some real self analysis. If this was truly important to him (pink's ex), once he gets past all the emotions, he would want to figure out what he is doing wrong, what issues he has, and most importantly how to fix them. I made all the pathetic desparation moves to get her back but it didn't do anything but make her more pissed off in the end. I guess I was trying to show her I cared, but there are other ways to do that. It took her telling me "I've moved on, you need to too" and slashing those false hopes to get out of my emotional thought process and really be logical about things and want to work on myself. That's what I'm worried about for pink, because it might take you not being in his life and trying to slash any false hopes for him to want to work on it. And that's only if he really wants to.

What's the common denominator in all your failures? You are. I wrote off past relationships as "Oh it didn't work out, it wasn't meant to be" instead of asking the question "Why didn't it work out?" It finally caught up to me because I was making the same mistakes over and over without any consequences and now I'm paying dearly for it.

[shheadz]

Should I reply? I don't see any harm in it to

Okay pink.. lets say this together:

I will not contact my ex.
I will not contact my ex.
I will not contact my ex.
I will not contact my ex.

[cmacattack1]

He sent me a message last night which I only got now cos I had an early night.

'I know we havent spoken in a while but Im just so excited, got my driving lesson booked next sat, bet you a pint that I pass before you xx'

It was quite a surprise cos I didnt really expect to hear from him. And if I did then I thought it would be some drunken call/text tonight. Its nice to hear from him when he's actually sober!

Should I reply? I don't see any harm in it to, but what if this is just a way to ease his conscience cos he said he feels bad for hurting me. Ive realised that for the past two weeks, I havent initated contact with him, its always him calling/texting/turning up. Do you think he might be thinking he's losing me?

I know he won't have sorted out his problems already, but do you think maybe he is beginning to?

I'm trying not to get all girly over this. But Im a bit confused as to what this is.

That's very possible he thinks he could be losing you. As I've always heard, the best reaction to everything you have received is indifference. He's gone through all the emotions: desparation, sappy, and now happy. I think what he is trying to do more or less is trying to be that fun, old guy that you fell in love with in the first place as a way to bring you back to him. There isn't any evidence of change though other than his temporary happy mood through text, so I'd be extremely careful if you felt like replying and getting roped back in. I don't know the exact time table of how long it's been, but as long as he thinks he has you on the other end of the line, it probably hasn't been enough time and he probably hasn't really sorted out all of his feelings.

As I mentioned in my post before, it took me really losing all hope and her being with another guy to ultimately get myself out of the emotional circus I had going on in my head and really take a look at my self. My ex kind of sent me mixed messages during our break up. Yeah, I should have just looked at the action (her breaking up) instead of what she was saying "you are the one just not now, I need space". And I should have listened to her saying "she needed space" instead of constantly giving her attention all the time. Either way, she kept me hooked until the next guy came along and now I haven't talked to her in three months while they are having a great time together.

I'm not saying you have to date another guy but I think you have to really become unavailable for this message to hit home for him. You are doing this for you and it's probably the best shot you guys have of having a future together. Does he choose to jump into another relationship or does he choose to stay on his own and really work things out? What he decides to do will ultimately tell you about how he feels. You are going to do what you want, but remember, you shouldn't be afraid of losing him because even if you do, you will find somebody else. He is not the only person on this planet that can make you happy. It is a guarentee. Or you could end up in the future, we just don't know what can happen. Either way, everything is going to be alright I promise.

[Petit Papillon]

To be honest all of my questions were rhetorical , I didn't ask You people to give me the answers because I know them. i just want You to start thinking realistic. There are MUCH MORE real problems in life, to hang on past relationship that can be replaced by another one is just... unnecessary.

[cmacattack1]

Relationships can't be replaced though. They are all unique in their own respects. What you had with one person cannot be duplicated with another. Sure, what you have with somebody can very well be better, and those odds are more likely as we grow older and mature. Replace? As in duplicate? No.

To hang onto a past relationship as being stupid is pretty difficult to comprehend especially at the young age that me and pink are at. It was something that me and her didn't want and we stand to that fact. It takes somebody else to show us what we are missing out on to really open our eyes. Until that actually happens, why wouldn't we hang on a little bit? I'm not saying it's right but that ex will always have even a little piece of your heart because the relationship and the intimacy shared leaves such an impact, no matter what they did or how badly it ended.

[Petit Papillon]

And You think how old am I? You think I didn't have a bad break up? That's why I'm trying to influence people to not hang on past relationship ,because if someone would change my mind back then, I would be a lot happier today. But didn't , so I had my bad time, screwed up some things because I was thinking 'oh maybe there is chance bla bla bla' ... There was no chance and I'm telling you I wish I would go back to that moment and kick my own ass. See by the last time I broke up with my ex I probably would still be crying over it like a dork ,but fortunately there was someone(actually my bf now) who told me straight ' stop it!! it's the past!!' .
That's why I'm so annoyed with all those crying pussies here. Because in few months You won't probably even think about Your ex anymore... ESPECIALLY if You're young.

[pinkinterlude]

I'm not gonna write an essay about why I think you're wrong blah blah blah, everyone's entitled to thier own opinions and you've gone through your experiences and made your own decisions, ones that you seem to regret and have since learnt from.

However, I will say that you are on a love and relationships forum; on the 'broken hearts' thread so of course 'crying pussies' will be on here.

Everyone is different and people handle things in different ways. Its nice sometimes to get a different perspective on something that is major in your life and from someone who is going through a similar situation.. And yes, at the minute, I've lost my bf and to me, thats pretty major, whatever my age.

I dont know how I will be in a few months time, to be honest, I havent thought that far ahead, but I think it is unfair of you to assume the worst of people you havent even met and are more than likely in a vulnerable state as it is. Just because you have handled things a certain way, doesnt mean everyone else will. Every relationship is different.

I will say thank you for your advice, as it is another perspective to take into account.

[cmacattack1]

It's pretty obvious that she is along alot farther in life, because my parents more or less told me to suck it up, it happens move on, quit crying about it. Difficult to understand being my first love but when you go through it enough, you get that thick skin and each one brushes off more easily I guess.

[Petit Papillon]

I'm just 20, but I was lucky to get that experience early enough to learn it sooner,than later. See, with my ex, I was breaking up and then going back and then again breaking up and so on and so on... I probably would stuck in this reckless situation if someone wouldn't come and tell me the hurtfull (at that time) truth. I was long enough (1,5 year) with my ex, I would be much longer if that wouldn't happen.
The only thing that I got from holding on my past relationship was getting more miserable and depressed.Because I couldn't face the simple truth that it was over and past and he was using the fact that I couldn't face it. But yeah You can get offended by the things I'm telling You ,but I don't care. And that's why my opinion is more worth than anybody You know in real life, because I don't know You and I don't care. So I just put the coffee on the table,tell You how it is. You can suck it up, move on and be happy again with someone else , or You can stay miserable,cry like a baby and go on with Your unhappy life. That's pretty all.

Edit: And one thing more. You know why You can't be happy with Your ex? Because he is like You, because he can't let go.Take Your own moral from this story. Best wishes

[cmacattack1]

You are younger than me. How embaressing.

I'm not offended. It just takes some enlightening. I still love my ex and would whole heartedly like another chance with her, although I couldn't be with her as she was because she had to do some growing up as well. I was the primary problem in the relationship but she was wrong too and contributed. Part of me being the screw up wants to make things right. Certainly I got plenty of chances in the relationship to listen to her and obey what she said, but that wasn't right and wouldn't of lasted long based on our mentalities. It's a reason that we might still hang on. I could just go out and try and find a rebound but that's not right. It's what my ex did and I hope for the best she finds happiness, but she wasn't done dealing with the feelings of our relationship and the poor new guy has to suffer the consequences of that because she can't be alone.

We all figure it out at our own pace. It certainly takes at least a few months of no contact to pull yourself out of that rut. Or a perfect somebody to just swoop you off your feet. Which won't happen to me being a guy. I'm not in any rush.

[Petit Papillon]

Sorry I didn't quote,but I was reffering to the girl above me,not You. I see You already did understand that there is no way back.Of course it takes time. It took me few months to understand this as well,just because nobody from my friends or family was stubborn enough to make me open my eyes.Unfortunately , I was too stupid to listen to the advices on LF. Whole world was trying to open my eyes and I was too stupid and immature to undestand it.
And by saying those things to pinkinterlude, I want to see her my mistakes and make her not do the same. But as I see, this is not the first and not the last lost case on LF. Apparently she needs to have her ass kicked million times untill she understands it. At least I've tried to help