Help! He's totally into me and I'm married. Hard part is, I'm in to him!

[cmacattack1]

Good attitude. And do not forget that it is possible to find love with somebody else, unfortunately you got caught early when the majority of guys are young, immature, selfish assholes (me included).

How are those weeknights when just the two of you are laying in bed next to each other with each of your side lamps on reading the paper or something? It must take alot of self control to not want to pull a knife out of your side drawer and stab him in the face

[IndiReloaded]

Claire, you sound like a piece of work. So, you are going to be a bitter woman and think you can hide your animosity toward your husband from your kids?

You need to get down from your cross. If you really want out, you could do it sooner than over a period of several years. You need a year at most if you are serious about getting an education & job lined up.

I don't agree with cheating, I think your husband definitely did wrong. But I would really like to hear his side of things. I get the sense you can be quite the bitch, with all your drama talk of acting, etc. Those of us here who are older know that these types of problems don't usually happen in a vacuum. You sound like a martyr, but far from a saint. Even your posting here is hostile and bitter.

Sucking it up means accepting your decision like an adult and not letting it affect your children. Counselling would be in order and it sounds like you could both use it. Or, if you truly can't forgive him, then you should be working towards divorce. I bet your husband would be relieved and it might improve his relationship with your kids if he doesn't have to deal with your bitter attitude poisoning the family environment.

[clair23]

IndiReloaded,


you sound like a ****face. So, you are an asshole who thinks they know everything and you know everything about my situation. You don't even know half. You obviously are not married with children and do not understand the trauma kids go through with divorce, especially at their age. I cannot do it any sooner... you have no idea what you're talking about. Three kids cannot be supported by a job at Burger King and unfortunately "stay at home mommy" isn't impressive on a resume, also in this economy, that is all you can find, IF THAT. I have to get a GOOD career going, not some rinky dink job. Keep in mind, I would have the cost of daycare and even with child support, that child support money would only pay my rent, maybe not even that if I stay in California.

You would really like to hear his side of things? Cool. Maybe you and him should get together for tea time and discuss ways to **** over relationships when a wife did NOTHING but live for that person, day in day out, and he still ****ed up. Now, call me crazy, but I have not much love for this man anymore and in order to keep my children happy, I am doing what is best. I still love my husband, believe it or not so I am happy with him to some degree..happy enough to stick it out for a few more years. He knows he ****ed up though and he will be the very one to tell you that I am the type wife that never says no and I do EVERYTHING, or did everything for him and still continue to, to some degree. I focus more than anything on my children now. Even his friends told me what a dumbass he was or is and told him. You've got the real feeling I can be a bitch? Damn right mother ****er I live in Orange County, I learned from the best! I'm from the South and I hate this place. I think you would be a little bitter too if your wife/GF did that to you. Some of you are making me sound like the devil for liking the fact that someone is flirting with me. Are you freaking kidding me??? What the hell did I do wrong? You need to get your heads examined. I think I figured out what this is. I like it because I know now that someday, when I am ready...there are men interested in dating women with children if everything else clicks. I like having the knowledge in knowing that, so his flirting flattered me.

This morning, I saw this man and I completely blew him off and I walked off smiling, it felt good. So take your "bitch", name calling and assumptions and stick it side ways straight up your ass.

P.S.) I do not have a poisoning attitude. You just don't get it do you?

[cmacattack1]

Accepting responsibility for your actions is an important part of growing up. I'm sure you did some things wrong and saying you didn't is just a defense mechinism. They want both sides of the situation because it's difficult to accurately figure out what went wrong here and we are just trying to help. You say we don't know half the story, so give it to us. The fact that somebody out there cares enough to read something a person never met and try to help you is a good thing.

I want to be on your side on this, I really do. Like I mentioned, cheating with all this built up is a horrible thing and is tearing your family apart. You have to realize that you have acted really irresponsible in this and have included your children in this. You have gotten married and depended on somebody to provide for you at a very young and early age without a stable living environment. Which is mostly due to having your child as it screwed up your future plans and aspirations. Still, you have a 5 year old and you are 22 and cannot support yourself or the child on your own. That is highly irresponsible. I know that you probably did not plan to have a child that early and it's admirable that you stuck it out and are living a whole new life with a new plan because of it. And yet you had two more children. Two more and unable to stand on your own two feet. I know you didn't plan on having your husband cheat on you but you have to understand and be prepared for the fact that if things don't work out in your current relationship, you have to be able to get out and live on your own to remove yourself from the situation. Which you cannot. Even after you are done with nursing school, it will be difficult to take care and bond with three kids while working this job and trying to live on your own. Divorcing is going to cost alot in lawyer's fees which it doesn't sound like you can provide, it's going to be alot longer than three years I'm afraid.

It just sounds like you dove headfirst into something so wrought with complications. You have to take responsibility that you chose these decisions and you have to accept the consequences that these were wrong. I know it doesn't sound like much but it's your first step to growing up from this.

[vashti]

indi is going to roast you alive.

And yes, you sound like a crazy chicka.

[bluesummer]

Wow Clair, you are getting really hostile and just not listening.

I'm divorced from a man that cheated on me multiple times. Granted we never had children, but I still knew to get the hell away from him before we did because it would poison us. My sister and her partner are unhappy, and they don't fight in front of the kids but my 8 year old nephew starts getting 'depressed' and acting out when my sister and her bf aren't happy. Maybe you don't notice any change in your kids because they've been consistenly affected by the negativity in your household.

Don't for one second think your unhappy marriage doesn't affect your children. My parents had a shit marriage. They never fought in front of me, they never talked badly about the other, and the shit that was going down between them was monstrous. I may not have known the DETAILS but I knew my parents didn't love each other. I knew that one day they would leave each other. That set me up for some real shitty expectations for relationships later on in my life. So yeah, it's affecting your kids whether you want to believe it or not.

Leave him, get child support, and get your kids into a positive environment. I tell my sister that every damn day. Maybe you won't get to live in a nice house and afford everything you want, but you're helping both their and YOUR mental welfare.

[IndiReloaded]

indi is going to roast you alive.

And yes, you sound like a crazy chicka.

Why should I? She knows I've got her number, which is why she lashed out. Only people who are caught out respond like that.

She's in a hell of her own making. Sounds like karma to me. Shrug.

[IndiReloaded]

Still, you have a 5 year old and you are 22 and cannot support yourself or the child on your own.

Well, I missed this. At 22, she is a child with children.

Claire, FWIW, I have been with my husband nearly as long as you've been alive. First marriage, both of us. I have children. Unlike you, I have a career and was never financially dependent on my husband. I do feel for your situation in this regard, it must be galling.

So, when I tell you I understand the context of your situation and your behaviour, I'm quite certain I do know what I am talking about. You, on the other hand, are taking baby steps into the larger world of personal responsibility. As I said before, I think your husband did something wrong, but I can tell just by your posts here that you aren't exactly kind and stable. In the end, you do tend to get what you give & I suspect you are finding this out the hard way.

Good luck.

[clair23]

You know, I am completely ashamed of myself for ever getting on here and asking advice from people I've never even met about something so serious in my life right now. I am going to consult a professional about all of this.

Thank all of you for your advice, whether it was good advice or not.

"Indie", not that this should make much of a difference, but I thought you were a man and your comment that you made coming from a man, in my mind, pissed me off a whole lot more than it would have coming from a woman. I apologize for snapping on you like that. I get carried away on here because during the day, I hold all this in and even though I say things like "I wear a smile on my face for my children", or "I keep it from the children", I really am happy. They make me very happy and remind me on a daily basis how lucky I am and it takes the edge off what my husband did. I am really happy during the day, but when I get on here to vent after they are in bed at night, I vent. I don't hold back. Don't think by the way I am on here is the way I am in every day life, haha. It isn't up to me what you all think though. I don't care. I know me and I shouldn't have to explain myself to anyone but I did want to say that.

I think a lot of you made harsh assumptions and maybe in the future, you shouldn't be quite so opinionated maybe. I will say that the couple opinions that were given to me by a couple people saying I should divorce my husband and move on, well that is impossible. It has nothing to do with my age. My children would go through complete torture (right now at least. It will be different when they are older, still hard, but a lot different). Also, I need more stability and job security before I could do something like that and any smart woman with a good head on her shoulders would make sure she was going to have everything she needed before she made a decision like that. When I say "everything she needed", I don't mean a huge house and a brand new car. I mean being able to pay bills and put food on the table. I would be stupid for leaving my husband right now.

As far as my age goes, you are so out of your place for calling me a "child". You have no idea how wonderful of a mother I am and my children remind me every day. My mother in law knows about my husband's faults and she has told me countless number of times "no matter what happens, I will always be your mother and I will never forget the joy you have brought to my grand children". My mother, my father, my brothers, ALL of our family have always showered me with compliments how great I am with my children. It doesn't matter if I'm 22 of 42, so for all of you who thinks age is a factor to the fact whether you are a good mother or not, you are wrong. Unfortunately, most young, unplanned pregnancies work out for the worst in the end, so it is easy to assume and guess how things will turn out...but there you go making assumptions again if you look at it that way. All my greatest friends who are mothers too are all in their early 30's or late 30's. I see them all the time, we all hang out with our children and they all tell me all the time they don't know how I do it and what they used to be doing when they were 22. This is the path I have chosen for myself by being a mother at a young age. My first was not planned. My second two were. My husband cheated on me after our 3rd child was born. I didn't have a crystal ball. We were very much in love and to some degree, still are. Maybe some day I can forgive him. Who knows? I doubt it.. but we will see. Time heals and I'm definitely not going anywhere right now.

So anyway, I'm going to stop acting like a nerd and logging on to Love Forum so I can see what the computer tells me to do with my life and I am going to do something more productive with my time. I wish there was a way to delete my account, but I can't seem to find a way to do so! So thanks again and sorry for jumping your bones, Indie.

[IndiReloaded]

No problem Claire. You are going through some involved stuff & are largely needing to vent. I get it, and said so in an early post. I think I also suggested counselling and agree you should get some. I didn't mean it at all in a negative way, I think its can be quite helpful in a situation such as yours. We've seen a counsellor from time to time over the years. While our reasons were not anything like yours, the process of simply venting to an objective professional can be quite clarifying. It will also help you to relieve some of the frustrations you describe in a safe setting, reducing the chance of letting it spill over to your kids.

Don't be insulted about my comment about your age. At 22, you are barely out of your teenage years. Its not a comment on your potential, simply that you hardly know what you don't yet know and have had less opportunity to explore than others without children at this age. Still, having children requires one to be that much more focussed on goals for self. I know a professor who had her children while doing her graduate research, so its certainly possible to juggle both. Point is there can be advantages to your situation depending on how your choose to view them.

But, be careful you aren't wasting your precious energy on being angry and bitter. You, more than most, can't afford to waste any energy on anything that isn't directly related to improving yourself and your situation. If you can't manage being positive towards your husband for your kids sakes, at least go for indifference.

Best of luck.

[Lite]

Just because you don't fight in front of your children doesn't mean they don't see, hear, and feel the tension in the house. Please trust me on this. I know so many people that didn't get divorced when they should hvae for one reason or another, and it hurts the children either way. The question is, do you draw the pain out over time, or do you get it over with and move on with life?

Seeing a therapist is a great idea. Perhaps you should even consider a marriage counselor. Before you object, hear me out. Marriage counselors can help kindly end marriages just as well as they can save them. And, who knows. He might even come around and stop being an asshole.

Now, please understand that we say the things we do here because we do actually care what happens to folk. We're not here to make you feel better about yourself if you're not doing the right things. We just don't go in for that. The people here have gone through a lot in their lives in many cases. Indi's old-school married. I've been the cheating asshole husband.

But about your kids, yeah, you're hurting them. And it sucks. You're obviously trying not to, but they're hurting and they know what's going on. Kids are weirdly observant that way.

Good luck finding your way to whatever happiness you can, make sure that if you do divorce that you take the time and put in the effort to heal yourself before engaging in any serious relationships.