He's turned asexual. Is it me?

[samdlish]

Guys - PLEASE help!

We've been dating for 2 years now, moved in together after 3 months (it all happened very fast for us both but we fell in love!) Everything was great until he encountered major debt problems and declared himself bankrupt. Throughout this time he got depressed and the sex stopped. Now, temporarily we're bak at my Mums which is a pretty big house so it's not a 'bad' experience. But he's just not into sex anymore!

Don't get me wrong, it was never WILD as such (he's been raised with a born again Christian family and I think has been quite sheltered). However, now he's just off it. Without being arrogant in the slightest, I am an attractive female with a good body and I'm not short of male attention. I've never ome across a guy with such a low seeming sex drive. When I tell him I want to have sex he tells me he does too but just never does.

Has he lost his confidence? Has he stopped fancying me? Whenever I've ended it he's been reluctant to move on so it's not like he needs an excuse to go!

Any ideas??? Most guys want to jump you constantly....what's this all about?

PLEASE help!
xx

[jessZ]

I imagine that being declared bankrupt would have a pretty big impact one's self esteem... He might be depressed, which can reduce sex drive to just about zero. Is he working again now? Has he withdrawn socially? Did the reduction in sex happen around the same time as his financial probs?

[TheWizard]

could be any number of things, but it's not normal I don't think given he is a guy. You really need to talk to him about this more, communication is the only way to get the answers you need we can't really help you too much

[jessZ]

Sorry, just re-read your post and you mentioned he got depressed. I think that's your answer. You need to be supportive of him and stay close. The sex will probably pick up again as his self-esteem does.

[MVPlaya]

What happens when you try to initiate sex?

[IncognitoSir]

He's depressed, believe it or not, that plays a huge role in your problem. You can even go talk to a doctorr about it. It's all in his head, he probably is horny all the time, but his depression is going to keep him down. Until he can get past this depression he doesnt have much of a chance for improvement.

[fnatic]

he needs a project which can make him see his future a bit brighter.

[reeges]

he needs to sort things out in his head. with financial troubles to dig himself out of, coupled with the probable sham of having to turn to his girlfriend's mom for help, sex is the furthest thing from his mind.
give him some time to sort things out - he'll come back to you.
Fnatic may have a point -a hobby or something trivial to distract him could help him get things in order. i'd also try a planner - make sure he knows what he has to accomplish each day to worm towards his goals - so when he's done he can stop worrying and focus on simple pleasures.

[cmacattack1]

Please don't take it personally. I had issues and a hot girlfriend at the time, and she liked to have sex all the time, but when I became depressed with my issues I kind of lost my drive, she took it as being unattractive (mostly because she was insecure) and I told her I had alot bothering me but she still took it as she was the one at fault. Don't do that, nothing good can come of that.

It's important to be supportive but he also has to be willing to help himself too. I wallowed in it for too long and she got sick of me and left. You can do your best, but ultimately he's the one that has to take action to get himself out of this rut.

[Lite]

Let's see...

He's financially ruined.
Bankrupt.
Lost his home.
Feels like a failure.
Is living with his gf's mom.
Is unable to feel like he properly provides for himself, let alone you.

Yeah, I wouldn't be able to get it up either. Thanks for being understanding...

Don't accuse him of anything, don't make any passive-aggressive comments about him not wanting sex. Basically, you have to treat him like life is normal, so that he can feel somewhat normal. As far as I can tell, this economy has a lot of people very down, and he's now one of them. Welcome to the world of capitalism, where you **** not only those under you, but other countries as well in the process now.

Global economy. Yay!

Recommend he get some therapy, get out of the house, do anything. Build a plan to recovery from bankruptcy. But, more than anything you need to build a routine that is comfortable for the two of you again. It isn't the end of the world, and frankly. God isn't going to help him, because even if God existed, he doesn't work that way.

[samdlish]

Gosh guys, thank you SO much for taking the time to reply. I never use these sorts of forums so it's great to know that the advice is available if you just ask! It's so hard to speak to your mates as generally, they just don't get it!

He never actually lost his house per se as we were renting at the time. However, I guess we did (albeit indirectly) as a result of the poor finances. He's actually out of it now and all clear but still suffering with lack of work due to the...duh duh duh...recession! He's a talented advertising designer and musician but the former work is just dead in the water. He gets freelance stuff but it's not enough to pay rent.

He seems okay with his finances as he's quite a loner ie doesn't like to go out and get drunk etc, so actually required very little. However, he's not been himself since the whole thing and I know he'd love a regular income.

In terms of initiating sex, I have to say I don't at the minute as I don't want to pressure him. If we discuss it he says he wants it too but blames both of us. However, I know this sounds a cop out, but I've always had a great sex life and have never known a guy not to be more...well, rampant! He's just caught up in thinking of 'new ideas' and spends hours on the internet looking for ideas (no, he's not on chat rooms etc...).

I'll stick in there though it's hard to avoid a complex.

Thanks again all!! xx

[MVPlaya]

In terms of initiating sex, I have to say I don't at the minute as I don't want to pressure him. If we discuss it he says he wants it too but blames both of us. However, I know this sounds a cop out, but I've always had a great sex life and have never known a guy not to be more...well, rampant!

It is a cop out.

Look, sometimes in relationships people get depressed for whatever reason and the roles change. Sometimes your partner can't do his/her duties and you need to step it up. Notice how he says he wants it, but doesn't initiate. He's probably too down to have an active libido. Doesn't mean his libido is not there, it just means you have to start it up for him. Next time you see him take the lead and start kissing him and escalating from there, I'm sure you know how to seduce a guy. Thats the only way to get him back in the swing of things.

Talking about it won't solve it, it will just lead to awkward conversation. A little less conversation a little more action.

[Gigabitch]

On top of everything else, he knows he's disappointing you, or if he doesn't, he's at least aware that your sex life is nil.

Even if you're not getting laid right now, please try to show him attention and affection right now. He needs it. Losing your job and independence does things to men that women can barely begin to understand. It's like life is kicking him in the stones every single day.

I'm not surprised he doesn't initiate sex. He probably feels completely emasculated by recent events. I think you need to step up the advances, not in a challenging way, but in an affectionate way.

[Disillusioned]

STOP ASSUMING GUYS ARE SEX FIENDS!!! Most of the advice above I agree with but it's your impressions that are half the battle.

Here's a list
1. The guys that actually have that kind of libido are few and far between. Many of them pretend to, whether for their own self confidence or to appear cool in front of their freinds.

2. If he's modest it doesn't matter if it's a big house, there's a principal of creepiness that some of us can't shake regarding sex in the vicinity of our parents.

3. Maybe he doesn't want to be seen a certain way. Sex is the most common subject used to attack men and call them scum so it's no surprise that there may be conflicted feelings. He might struggle not to hate himself both ways.

4. He might be pressured to "perform". That's a limp dick paradox right there. Out of principal he can't, out of poor confidence he can't and the frustration of that seals the deal.

Cut him some slack and take care of yourself once in a while. Just my suggestion.

If you starve someone enough they'll develope an appatite. Be careful though or he'll feel he's offended you.

[vnderdosed]

Maybe he is just off sex for a while, as weird as that sounds? I think if these money issues are posing a big threat to his well-being, he probably has it on his mind for ages, and doesn't want to have sex because he would be thinking about all these money issues.
And if he was asexual, I doubt it would be your 'fault'. I came out of a relationship telling the girl I was bisexual, and she thought it was her 'fault' as well, which it wasn't. Sometimes people find their real sexuality during a relationship by themselves, not because of the other person in the relationship.