Some guy from work keeps flirting with my girlfriend

[nj1035]

My girlfriend and I work together. I manage a restaurant and she is a waitress there.....that's how we met.

We've literally just made our relationship "official"....in fact some of you may remember me from a thread I posted about this a few days ago.

Anyway, there's another waiter there that keeps flirting with her. He's a nice guy, I'm not even sure if he knows about her and I or not. But she's been flirting back, and it really got on my nerves last night. Not sure how to handle this situation. I know I need to do SOMETHING, because I can't just pretend it doesn't bother me. It's not a whole lot of touching or anything, but he keeps making her laugh and smile and it makes me jealous, I'm not gonna lie.

I think he likes her, but he's the type of guy that likes a lot of girls and probably never really sticks to one. I think she probably has some sort of attraction to him....he's decent-looking, and has a lot of positive energy, in fact a little too much if you ask me. He's pretty much on a planet of his own. But I'm sure she has some sort of attraction to him because he makes her laugh. I think the fact that he is a good deal younger than her and the fact that he's just a wild kid into a lot of different drugs ultimately steers her away from wanting any sort of relationship with him. She's very innocent and maybe a little naive...which I like in a woman. But I think she enjoys the fact that he's fun and likes flirting with him.

So how should I handle this??? I was thinking I should

a.) tell her how I feel about it, without being controlling or overly jealous. just explain to her that it bothers me the way they talk to each other.

b.) talk to this dude in a friendly way and just make sure he knows that we are together. maybe he'll get the hint.

[TheWizard]

mm I dunno, sounds like a rock and a hard place. Flirting is one thing, but she IS a waiter and she IS in the public eye a lot so as part of a females social programming they HAVE to act this way. Women also enjoy being desired - whether or not she acts on it in any way is it really.

If it were me I'd let it slide and focus more on the relationship at hand so that she doesn't have a reason to look elsewhere. Just remember that attraction is biological, and noone can help it - the only thing we can do is control our urges. If she can't control them and something actually would happen it's probably not a relationship you want to be in anyway.

I do think talking to her or to him about it makes you seem less secure to the girl - especially being so very very new as a couple. She might even be doing this as a test to see how you react. Women are devils, and while there is no right answer, there's definitely some wrong ones... and they vary person to person.
Nothing really helpful in this post I'm afraid, just my two cents.

[nj1035]

Wizard, thanks for the reply.

I'm not sure I can just let it slide. I've been in this sort of situation before, and tried to ignore it. It would just make me fume every time....I don't know why I would put myself through that torture again. I was really seriously getting angry. I don't like feeling that way....because then I come across as an ass to everyone, including my employees.

Maybe I should just not say anything to her, for now, and just mention to this guy, "hey, you know X and I are dating, right?"...say it in a nice manner, and see if that helps cure any of it.

But if it doesn't, I'll have to say something. I won't put up with that crap....it's not worth it to my psyche. Just have to explain it her in the right way I guess??

[kai]

If you go for the first option, then she's gonna think that you're one insecure guy. She'll start talking to that guy even more.

If you tell that dude and if, he told your gf, then she'll think that you're a big time jerk. She'll start talking to that guy even more.

You're in one tough situation, my friend. All you can do is to be better than that guy.

[shheadz]

Guy, you really need to get over it. Who's she going home with at the end of the night? You, or him? Saying anything to either of them (it will eventually come back to her if you say something to him) just makes you look insecure, because you are insecure. You're getting pissed because you're worried she's going to like this other guy more than you. All the time you're spending fuming over the situation, is time you could be flirting with her, and winning out over the other guy.

[nj1035]

I can't say anything to her at work because it's just a weird situation. I flirt with her but for some reason she doesn't take it the same way at work, which is understandable. It's sort of a "secret" that we are dating. I think that makes the whole thing uncomfortable for her....she loves it when I flirt outside of work.

Not to mention they are both doing the same job, I am doing a different job. So basically they are around each other all the time....every time I pass them he is spewing out some BS revolution conspiracy crap he read on the internet. Seriously, the guy means well, and he believes what he says, but he's completely out of touch with reality. She told me a while back she thought he was really smart. She's a little bit naive like I said, she doesn't see through that crap that he's spewing...nor does he. And she finds it interesting, which annoys me. And she laughs with him....and there's nothing I can do about it.

But you're right, at the end of the day I take her home. And I know at the end of the day she enjoys my company more than she enjoys his. She's just there to enjoy the fun and goofiness he offers at work. But it still annoys the shit out of me. I can't help it, you know??? Therein lies the problem....there is no switch to turn off.

[Perryville]

Dude, I don't know how to solve your problem, but it is my experience that there is no such thing as "innocent", flirting. There is ALWAYS a reason behind it, on both sides, his and your gf's.

[IncognitoSir]

Dude, I don't know how to solve your problem, but it is my experience that there is no such thing as "innocent", flirting. There is ALWAYS a reason behind it, on both sides, his and your gf's.

Exactly, for what reason does she NEED or DESIRE to flirt with a coworker? If you say something, you may come off as insecure right, but if you dont and he just starts flirting more and more, then what? Then someone will tell you, you should of set your boundaries from the start, right? Forget all that jazz about who she's going home with blah blah blah. If she's with you, why does she need to flirt with this guy? This is NOT fair to you and I bet she wouldnt just let it slide if the shoe was on the other foot eh? You should be able to talk to her about things bothering you in the relationship or atleast I'de hope you can. I can't promise you the best results after speaking with her about this, but I'm certain nothing good will come from you just "letting it run its course".

[bestican]

Ok, the other replies are right on about your two options. You don't want her to know that you are insecure. She will get the upper hand and forever the relationship will change. This is what I suggest... you must think outside of the box. I am incredibly jealous too, so I know how you feel but I have made the mistakes in past relationships to show that insecurity and it messes it up.

I think you need to just nonchalantly let this guy know that you two are a couple. This doesn't have to be done with words yet actions. Just when you get a chance, come up to her while you are at work and give her a little kiss or hug or hell, a slap on the ass, lol. Or you can even let it be known by calling her baby or something like that in front of this other guy. Don't make it obvious that you are saying or doing these things on purpose. You could even say, "where do you want to go eat tonight baby?"

[Jaden]

I would say, try to ignore it. You can't force your girl to "stay true to you". If she likes you enough it won't matter if people flirt with her.

[lahnnabell]

How is your relationship allowed? Managers are not typically permitted to date their underlings. Making this known at your work place could have very negative consequences. You could end up fielding a lot of unhappy workers at some point. Maybe they'll accuse your girlfriend of getting preferential treatment. Maybe you'll piss this guy off enough so that he goes to YOUR manager. If he were to tell your boss that you were throwing your weight around because of some jealous spat over your girlfriend and underling, it may not bode well for you. The type of drama that your describing (this jealousy and insecurity) is why businesses prohibit relationships between management and the lower ranks.