Sudden change of events.... advice please!

[erjennin]

So here is the story:

I meet this girl, through my friend, at a party and I can't stand her. I think she acts immature and has a hard time dealing with emotions and just resembles everything i'm NOT looking for in a girl, besides the way she looks. For one year I keep running into her, because of my friend, and it is obvious she likes me. During that one year, I kept bringing other random girls I was talking to around to parties and she is there. Because I wasn't interested in her, it didn't matter to me, but it seemed to always bother her. Long story short, she seems to become more mature over the course of the year and I get sick of the shallow women and we end up talking and hanging out. Come to find out, I really love my time with her and I start to fall for her.


For the next year we make it official and we become serious. Neither of us have ever been happier and we both feel like we are each others soul mates. We loved to work out together, cook together, shop together, watch movies and drink together.... etc, just about anything we did was enjoyable. We both genuinely loved each other.

Before we had started officially dating, I knew we had totally different experiences in relationships. Me: I was 23 with 3 long-term relationships and many flings under my belt... meaning I had much more emotional and sexual experience and I had many things to compare our relationship against, which is a positive thing. I know what I want.
Her: Never had a serious relationship and I was her first real sexual partner. Emotionally and sexually, this would be a learning experience for her.

My experience taught me to take the sex slow and not rush her into anything, which I did and we had a great... amazing.... relationship for the first year.

Fast forward to 3 months prior to now:
Things started to change. She is working full time and going to school full time, so she is busy. Previously she had more time on her hands. I also work full time and go to school (the same days as her). As a result, it is hard for us to spend the time we used to have. I complained a little bit, but eventually I realized I needed to be more flexible and I accepted less time together as long as the quality time was still there. Over the course of the last 3 months, she slowly stopped suggesting to make dinner together, workout together, stopped sending me fun/cute emails, doesn't suggest to come over and watch movies and the sex started to seem like a job. I felt like I was the one wanting to be in this relationship more than her. We still had good times together, but the things she used to do to make me so happy started to fade away. (No, i honestly don't think she is seeing someone else.... I would have a feeling and I don't).

Last weekend I bring up the topic described above, for the 5th time or so, and she tells me she understands where I'm coming from and she needs to take a break to figure out what is wrong with her. Basically, she doesn't have the same motivation to do stuff anymore, but more importantly she doesn't have the same strong emotions as she used to for me.
As we talked twice in the last five days, she constantly tells me she loves me and she wants to be together, but she also keeps telling me that she doesn't want to ruin our relationship by not being 100% into our relationship.... she says she needs more time to think.

I'm giving her a few more days to think, but I'm concerned. Is this relationship over or is this common at the 15 month mark of a relationship, especially when the girl is in her first serious relationship. Is she just scared? Coincidentally enough, she changed her birth control around the same time all these changes happened. Could her hormone change, from the BC, be the culprit?

As tacky as it sounds, I know we both truly love each other..... someone please give some advice. I'm strugglin' over here.

[Gigabitch]

Yes, the hormone change could definitely be a factor, but so could the fact that it's her first real relationship. The fact that you've made it 15 months is a triumph. Look at it that way.

[erjennin]

gigabitch.

Thanks for the reply, but do you have any advice. What do I do?
My instincts tell me to have the attitude, "you win some you lose some" and try and go about my everyday life. BUT... I really liked this girl and I want her in my everyday life....

[shheadz]

Last weekend I bring up the topic described above, for the 5th time or so, and she tells me she understands where I'm coming from and she needs to take a break to figure out what is wrong with her.

Could be a couple things here. For one, you may be putting pressure on her in her already pressure filled life. That starts to make the relationship feel like a drag, which can be bad at your age. Young girls are looking for fun.

Secondly, it could mean she's not in love with you anymore. Someone else here said it best, in that she may not even be able to admit that to herself yet. So she's still telling you she loves you. But deep in her heart she knows something doesn't feel right anymore. She's trying to figure out what that is.

[Gigabitch]

Well, it's not very romantic, but can you schedule time with her? It sounds to me like she's completely overwhelmed, What if you just had a day together, say Saturday, from four in the afternoon until Sunday morning. You could spend quality time together but she wouldn't feel that it was too much or that she was being pulled in too many directions.

[erjennin]

I told her that I am going to see a movie (avatar lol) on Sunday..... I would give her that space she needs until then, not calling or texting... and she is invited to the movie, no pressure, just text me in the morning if you want to go or not.

On another note, I feel like so many women love a guy at first, but once they have the guy "figured out" they become comfortable and forget what they have. I know i'm a great guy (not being cocky) and the couple of previous long term girlfriends I had always came back to tell me that they ****ed up big time and they didn't realize it until it was too late. I hope that doesn't happen here.....

[Gigabitch]

Were they beginners too? maybe you need to find a girl who has some experience next time (if this one doesn't work out).

[curves222]

Hey--

I've been in this type of situation twice. Both times the whole, "I just need time" thing was (I think) the guy's way of saying, "This isn't what I want, I just don't want to be that harsh with you." Both times I (FOOLISHLY) gave them the "time" they requested, only to be miserably waiting for them to decide on what they wanted.

In both cases, the guy decided to end things and...although that first, "now it's really over" moment was the worst, there was also a large measure of relief that I could finally close the door and move on.

I think she is young, inexperienced, and stressed out. School and work (understandably) are her first priorities at this point in her life. And, unfortunately, she just no longer sees you in that equation. Though, she may not even understand that herself. She may need to "sow her wild oats", see what else is out there. You sound like a caring guy and this sounds like a great relationship...but with bad timing.

I've had one of those in my past also. Met a guy my freshman year in college who I could have totally seen marrying and he felt the same way. But I knew myself and knew I would regret settling down SO young. It ended up causing our break-up two years later. If we'd had the same relationship, but five years later, I'd probably be married to him today. But we didn't and I've never regretted the way things turned out. Sometimes that is just life's way.

Sorry, my advice always comes long-winded and with stories, lol! But here it is. Tell her something to the effect of, "I understand that you are unsure of our relationship right now and need some time. But, I'm sure you understand how difficult this is for me. I need to move on and want to keep our contact minimal. If you change your mind and decide that our relationship is what you want, then contact me and...if I have not become involved with someone else...we can discuss it at that time."

Don't just say it....you need to MEAN it and follow those actions, even if it still hurts and you don't want to.

Trying to hang on to her is only going to push her further way. This advice will do TWO things for you. Either it will shock her and make her realize that if she wants you, she needs to work on the relationship...or....she'll be gone anyway, but you can at least start moving on now instead of later.

Good luck and my sympathy is with you.

[tropigal82]

Thats a tough one. I'm in a slightly similar situation myself, except that its only been 5 months for us. My bloke suddenly put a wall around himself and said "I need time to figure stuff out." As you say... this can be quite upsetting and confusing because you are left wondering....

1) .....is it something I have (or have not) done, said or not said...???
2) ..... is it something THEY have done (i.e stopped loving you, or fallen for someone else)???
3) .... are they trying to be kind to me by 'breaking it to me gently'
4) ..... are they genuinely confused???
5) ..... why are they not being more concise with their reasons... are they trying to hide the REAL reasons...?
6) ...what else is happening in their life that could be affecting them?

I am sure you have found yourself thinking all these things. And sometimes you wish you could just present them with that list and ask them to the right boxes. Because sometimes its just so hard to say whats really on your mind.

I think alot of factors could be at play here. Firstly she is young, when I was 23 I was in my first 'serious' relationship and it was a learning curve, in which I learnt what I did and didn't want from a relationship. I loved him but the love became more like a brother or a friend, so I never could see myslelf marrying him. I ended it after 2 years, we are still friends, but I know that he wants to get back togethor, even though we broke up 5 years ago now. I think to a certain extent though, looking back at the relationship, I didn't know what I wanted at the time, and was quite immature emotionally. But thats not saying that all 23 year olds are immature, of course not. Everyone is different. However, with age comes experience, both good and bad, and that helps us to be more certain of what we want. I'm 27 now and feel alot more certain about what I want from a partner, and a relationship, and life in general, however this makes it all the more frustrating when the person I am with seems to be dithering still.

The best thing is to be as honest as possible, so neither of you are under any false pretences. I strongly believe that alot of pain and hurt in relationships is caused by either one or both of the partners being dishonest either with themself or to their partner. Being dishonest can be active (lying)or passive (ommitting the truth) but both can be equally corrosive and hurtful.

My advice? Tell her that you value honesty in a relationship, whether in friendship or in romance, and that for both of your sakes it is vital that she tells you the whole truth, even if she thinks it might hurt you... tell her you would rather that she tells it to you straight even if you don't like it, because then you both know where you stand. Better to suffer the truth than to suffer the illusion.

Thats my advice and guess what, its exactly what I am gonna say to my bloke the next time I see him...

Good luck! What is meant to be will be (que sera, sera)!

[Gigabitch]

Okay, so what happened yesterday?

[erjennin]

Hey everyone, thanks for the advice.

Sorrty I haven't updated anyone recently. For the last 3 weeks the story hasn't changed much until last weekend. She has been telling me that she still isn't sure. She has been telling me to move on, but then saying she wants to see me and she knows we'll be together in the future. The final straw came last weekend when she said she wanted to work on things on Friday and that she wanted to be together. Saturday comes along and we have plans with our friends.... before we go out, I wanted to stop by her house just to give her a kiss and say I'm happy we could work it out. SHe wasn't there... so I called her and she explained to me that she was going out to a local restaurant/bar with 4 friends (guys) from work. Immediately I was pissed, not because I'm jealous of the guys but because one of the guys she was "interested" in was from work. She swore that he wasn't going to be up there, but when I started thinking I became more pissed. She told me that she changed her plans b/c her friend didn't call in time and she wasn't waiting all night... it was only 7 pm, which is not late on a Saturday. To me, it seems like she bailed on her friend b/c she thought it would be more fun to go out with these guys... but here is the kicker. If she is working on things, don't you think you would call your b/f to spend time with him on a Saturday night? Wouldn't, for the moment, her priorities change and focus on us?

I ask her these questions and she tells me, AGAIN, that things just don't feel the same for her and that she needs to be done.... I need to move on. I become pissed even more b/c I feel like I was dragged along again. Later that night, I go out with my friend to a bar downtown. We got pretty drunk and a whole group of us end up getting some hotel rooms for the night. This girl was in attendance that had an attraction to me, but i'm not really attracted to her. Over the last week or two she has thrown herself at me but I was uninterested. Well, that night she did it again and I didn't refuse because I thought, I need to get over this girl who doesn't want to be with me. We ended up hooking up. Go figure, next day my ex comes over and wants to be together... she just knows it. So now i'm in a dilemma.

1. Do I want to be with someone who left a good thing? Do I wanna be with someone who has mind****ed me for the last 3 weeks? I know I love her, but am I getting into something that will end up the same as it just did? Do we need a month apart or has her feelings really changed and now she is sure what she wants?
2. If I do decide to get back together with her, do I tell her up front that I hooked up with someone even if it meant nothing? I didn't cheat... she told me to move on? Does she have the right to ask? or do I avoid the topic until she asks? If she does ask, do I lie or do I tell the truth? I'm an advocate for telling the truth, but I don't want to hurt her and I'm not sure what good will come of it besides I will feel better about getting it off my chest.

What do you think?