Wierd Problems

[rohit20]

Alright guys, to properly understand what I'm about to tell, you'll need to read my older post , My Best Friend Refused My Proposal ([url]http://www.loveforum.net/broken-hearts-forum/29268-my-best-friend-refused-my-proposal.html[/url])...
Hope you've read it. Now the next.
I've moved on a long way since that incident. Not that I made a different girlfriend, but things changed completely. In April 2009, I had proposed her and she refused. As suggested by the helpful members of this forum, I stopped communication with her. Although this helped me take my mind off her, I never stopped loving her. Her lovely picture still lingered in my mind all the time, and I used to miss her a lot. Moreover, I had discovered that she was NOT in a relationship with the bully guy that I've talked about earlier. But everything changed. September came. It was the time for our Senior Musical Function and our class at school was performing a pair dance. You know, boys with girls. We were asked to choose our partners, and as you've guessed it, I had no one to choose. So I ended up with a girl who I actually didn't want to dance with and my love was also with a person in whom she did not seem much interested. We had about 4 or 5 rehearsals after which I could not take it anymore. I put up courage and asked her out for the dance, online. She said she'd tell me the answer next day and the next day she came, smiled, and happily told me that she would dance with me. I was in a state of happy shock. I stared dancing with her and experienced happiness that I had never had before. Even she seemed to be enjoying. Our communication increased, things started getting to normal again. We started talking so much, just like the old days. Our Senior Musical was finally staged and we had vacations after that. I damn missed her in those days. Hopes started rising again in my heart. But I didn't want to displease her by proposing her again and decided that I'd rather stay as a close friend of her, than stay away from her.
After we were back to school, she asked me if could work with her and her three best (girl)friends for the Science Fair Project. I gladly agreed. We then got closer than ever before. We started waking up at 4.30am in the morning just to talk to each other (normally we used to wake up at 7.00am)... Our friendship strengthened again. One day I just brought out the topic that she'd hurt me when she had refused. She started sobbing and told me with wet eyes that she never wanted to hurt me so bad, and regarded me as a very loving and caring person, a true friend. I took it as her final answer, "NO". At school that day, her best friend 1 came to me and asked me how would I feel if I get in a relationship with my love. I promptly replied, "Best, Excellent" but I thought that her best friend 1 was just trying to tease me. But in the evening, I talked to my love online and she told me that she'd said "YES" to me. Oh, finally the happiest moment of my life had come, and my first relationship started, that too with the girl I loved so much!!!!! That time it was quite hard for me to believe that she had really fallen for me and she actually did love me, but she told me that I'll soon be digesting this happy reality.
I was so happy. The date was 14th October 2009 then. Today is 5th January 2010 and we've been successfully dating till now. We keep on being romantic to each other, say "I love you" all the time, and enjoy each others' company. We've even promised to marry each other when we grow up and have even decided our child's name!
And now the wierd problems begin. Although our relationship is quite healthy and romantic, I have a few doubts and worries. Remember about the 3 best friends I told about, I don't actually like them, they're not even a single bit like my girlfriend. The 1st one of them(the one she likes the most), is the meanest of all. I don't like her even a single bit. I just don't know how they're best friends! But they don't even give me space to be with her. They just pop up anytime in between and I often get ignored by my GF because they want her company. She does not even talk to me when she's talking to them. I feel so bad at those times. I wanted to tell her about this, but she's very sensitive and I'm sure she'll start crying by the thought that she's hurt me once again. Moreover, I can't simply ask her to desert her friends, because I just can't be with her ALL the time. I don't know what I want, sometimes I feel that she never loved me, that she said "YES" just not to make me feel bad anymore. I value her love a lot, and she cares for me too. But when "they're" around, I just get helpless, just feel as if her love never existed. I feel like crying. But I don't want to breakdown, she's my most valued person. I can't live without her. But living with her this way is all the same difficult......
I hope you guys have realized my problem. I'd be expecting positive comments and suggestions. Afterall, that's what I came for to this forum.
Thanks in advance.

Regards,
Rohit 20

[cmacattack1]

I understand that she is sensitive, that you think you can't live without her and after the first failure you are afraid of losing that again (as we all know second chances are few and far between). Relationships aren't about coping with another's behavior out of fear of losing them, and you aren't being honest with how you feel by not telling them (another relationship no-no).

One thing I learned from my ex-girlfriend is that making her feel like less than a priority really upset her and pissed her off when she was giving me 100 percent. While now I would gladly make her a higher priority seeing as how hanging out with my stupid friends over her like I used to is irrelevant in the long run, I wouldn't nag or complain about it. That really turned me off when she did that. It projected her feelings of need all over me, and as we know, neediness is unattractive because it is pretty much exhibiting selfishness. I NEED you to pay more attention to me and I NEED more of your time regardless of how the other feels.

While I don't think it's right of her to put her friends over you all the time, I can't help but feel like you are too available. She has you whenever she wants you, and that can help her develop self centerness in the relationship because let's face it, she is the center of this.

It really is a tough situation because if you communicate that you would like more of her time and not to be dropped whenever her friends call, she could take it as rushing things too fast like with your proposal and that will send her running in the other direction. Relationships are all about communication, but you can't tell her who she can hang out with and what to do with her time. I would mention it once saying that you kind of feel like less of a priority than her friends but not in a nagging or begging tone and if she listens, that's great. If she gets defensive, back off. If it becomes a pattern of going back to normal though you are going to have to do something else.

This is when my recommendation would be to start hanging out with your own friends more and do other things with your time than be at her every beck and call. She will notice that you have become less available and I GUARENTEE she will give you more attention. Funny how it works out like that. If she gets upset with it, you can remind her that you felt the same way before and you needed to other things with your time too. And you really should, it's healthy to have your own activities and a good rapport with your friends, because it brings balance and helps you remain an individual in a relationship. That's what relationships are more or less, two lives becoming one, but that does not mean you have to lose your sense of self and identity in the process.

[lhn]

Great advice by cmacattack.
I can give my own side of the coin. I was the opposite. I was very very similar to you. I dropped the few friends I had (new the the area) and waited for my ex.

If there is one piece of advice I would give to you Rohit20 its this (something Lahanna always says):
Do not base your relationship and entire happiness on one person. Keep other things going at the same time. Keep your friends in your social placentre. Don't drop them so you can hang with your girlfriend. It's important to keep a balance.
I didn't in my relationship and it strained it. It was a very big factor in my relationship not working out. I lacked the maturity to understand that a relationship is supposed to enhance your life, not to be your life. Theres a big difference.

Because you have waited for her for so long your view is very tunnel-visioned. Desperate to move things on as fast as possible and excited to finally have what you want. Don't become needy and remember to be a bit 'cool'. Chicks dig a little bit of playing hard to get.

[Chazza2k]

Id only echo the excellent advice you got off cmacattack and lhn, your too available and becoming overly dependant on this one person who is love of your life. Feeling in love is great but remember you should still do a few things for yourself, hang out with your own friends, your own hobbies etc. Depending on just her for your own happiness is not a good strategy, trust me on that one.

How your GF is with you maybe differnet than how she is with her friends. Whilst you may not like her choice in friends thats her decission and trying to control who she hangs out isn't a good idea, not everybody gets on in life. Its not nice to be ignored when shes with her friends and I can see why that annoys you but remember being friends there going to want to talk and share things just between each other. Give her a bit of space and go out with your friends?

Things are moving forward for the both of you, just be a little cooler, stop doubting why she is with you, shes with you by choice, becareful about seeing her as the most valued person in your life,(that you need her and cannot function without her) I've been there and it all ended badly, girls love to feel wanted, being needed is something totally different and no girl I think wants a needy guy for too long. You have plenty of time in ahead of you to get to where you want to be so be patient.

[rohit20]

Thanks a million times cmacattack1, lhn and chazza2k...that was really good advice from you all. I'll be putting your suggestions in action right from today.
But the problem is that, as lhn described, after I had got into a relationship with her, I practically STOPPED spending time with my guyfriends... I stopped hanging out with them, playing pranks and all. First my friends tried to get me back, but later they gave up on me. So now I'm practically alone. cmacattack1 is very right in the statement that she's been giving a very high priority to her friends rather than me, she defends them if we have an argument or something, but does not do the same for me. Though, I chose the complete opposite. I always gave her the highest priority more than anyone else. And this perhaps has separated me from my own friends too.
But from what all she says, she loves me a lot and that too very truly. I don't know who's at fault. Or am I being excessively possessive?

[lahnnabell]

Who is at fault doesn't matter now. What matters is giving yourself some peace of mind and getting in touch with your friends.

Trying to assign blame is only going to create more problems. Accept that you both added to the situation. Her by not making you more of a priority, and you by making her too much of a priority. There was no healthy balance here.

[rohit20]

I'm not literally blaming anyone. What I need is how do I get her to know what pain she's giving me, without actually hurting her or making her feel guilty or sad????

[Chazza2k]

I dont think its a good idea to tell her? If you tell her you don't like her friends and you want her to choose between you and them, she'll probably resent that and see you as overly needy and controling. Ask yourself how is that going to work in the future? would she need consent off you to make a new friend? Think of it the otherway around, would you like her having a say in every person whos a friend of yours? I do understand what your saying, that you feel that you prioritise her over everything and you feel she fails to do the same for you, I can see thats making you very upset as perhaps your feeling its more one sided? I'm sure your very important to her as are her friends too but she didnt distance herself from her friends and you did. I did the same thing, all it does is isolate you away from people who known you for the longest time I know it feels like you have to commit everything because of how you feel I regret I did it.

Try to reconnect with your friends apologise to them and do things you used to do, hang out a bit spend a little time away from the GF, I'd agree that the balance between you is off currently.

[cmacattack1]

Like I said, maybe mention it once that you kind of feel like less of a priority because when you guys are together she will drop you in a heartbeat to be with them. Not say you hate her friends and piss and moan about them. I'm sure she will more than likely get defensive and try to argue or talk her way out of it. It's fine. That's when you back off and do things on your own. Not saying ignore her outright, but do some things you haven't done in a while that make you happy. She'll notice ask whats up, and say that you like having a little time to you too.

I know it hurts but you gotta take this on the chin like a man for the one you love. Love is about empathy and understanding, and she needs to recognize this. Continuing to do what you are doing is just going to piss you off more and build it up in the long run.

[rohit20]

Thanks for the advices guys, I've started putting the suggested plans in action. I talked really less to her yesterday(so hard it was) and hardly went to sit with her. Today I tended to do the same but she sensed something's wrong. She asked me why I was not talking to her normally and what the problem was...though I said nothing, she didn't seem satisfied and asked me if she had committed any mistake.
I'm back to my guyfriends and this sudden change seemed rather odd to her. She's repeatedly asking me what the problem is. What do I do now?

[cmacattack1]

Well I'm not saying purposely ignore her and be cold to her, I'm saying take some time to do things for you. There is a difference. Like I said you probably should have mentioned first that it was concerning to you that you weren't a priority but not like you are whining and upset. It will be pretty noticeable when you do a complete 180 in literally 24 hours and that could really hurt her (she thinks she is doing something wrong like you mentioned).

Hand with your friends a little more and do it for yourself, not to try and get a reaction out of her. This is not a tactic or a ploy to get your way, this is something to help you out and establish more of a balance. If you are doing this as a trick, you will be back to normal very very soon I promise.

You already got your opening and you are already becoming dishonest and said nothing. This could be the start of something bad.

[lahnnabell]

Women are very intuitively sensitive to changes in dialogue patterns, schedules, behavior, etc. Some people tell us we go off the deep end with our assumptions. And some women do. However, I've learned that my gut gives my very valuable keys into situations. If I FEEL like something is amiss, it usually is.

As cmac said, you're gonna have to back track now. You should have COMMUNICATED your concerns to her first. Now she just feels like she's being punished.