mutual, mature, breakups....are they possible?

[Perryville]

I have had a few relationships, and one very bad marriage. In each of these, I have been the one to initiate the breakup, even when it was obvious to both of us that a break was needed. In almost all cases, the women didn't want to end the relationship, and a lot of tears and screaming and bad feeling resulted. It has gotten to the point that I'm reluctant to start any new relationships other than FWB'S, because if it goes bad, I'll end up having to dump someone again, and be the "bad guy", once more. Why do women hold onto relationships longer than men and why cant they be more mature about ending them? These women were all reasonably mature, intelligent Ladies, but the moment I say anything about a break, they come unglued. WTF?

[vashti]

In my somewhat limited dating experience, I have always been the one to formalize the break ups, and the males have reacted poorly every single time (including my single, failed FWB experience), so I think bad reactions are not about gender, but rather about being dumped.

Maybe you should look for one-nighters? They seem to be the best option if you don't want to deal with drama.

[Perryville]

But Vash, I have tried everything to make the breakup easier for both of us. I have explained our differences, and listened to their concerns and sometimes abuse, and it doesn't seem to matter, they still want to hold on to me. I don't like being brutal, but it seems to be better than these long drawn out dramatic endings.

[vashti]

Yeah, it sucks. Obviously their reactions are based on emotions, and you can't rationalize with emotions.

One nighters... that would be my plan if I were you. Or maybe someone who only wanted you for your body, but didn't actually care for you much.

EDIT: You had better be careful about those FWBs - usually (though not always) one party or the other wants a little more than what they initially agreed to.

[lahnnabell]

I agree with vash. And Perry, it is nearly impossible to tell some of the crazies from the mature ones. Most of us start out new relationships being very conscious of our behavior, but as time grows on and we get more comfortable, we tend to let things slide. (i.e. Girl who didn't start out jealous suddenly becomes jealous whenever you talk to a chick)

I've definitely gotten upset over break-ups before, but most of them have been after very long-term relationships. And I've gotten the same reaction when I do the dumping. One guy got angry and accused me of cheating on him, and another guy absolutely begged me to stay with him. Either way, their reactions only solidified my decision.

We females are not all crazy and hyper-emotional. So take your time and pick well. Don't feel pressured to commit to anyone (although this doesn't always dictate whether or not the chick will go crazy). My boyfriend had a FWB last year, and somehow the chick got it in her head that while they weren't together, they had a "commitment" and she reserved the right to get jealous when he hung out with other female friends. He had to continuously rexplain their arrangement to her until he realized he had to just break it off. Yikes.

[Perryville]

Now that I'm not having sex with the ex, I have been having casual sex with Ladies I meet through work or at social gatherings. It's not what I want at all, I may come off as a wuss, but I really want romance in my life. I want to meet a woman, who will become a life partner. Sex is wonderful, but it doesn't cure lonliness. So this means that I have to get to know women, intimately. Then, if there isn't enough positive feelings, the whole process has to be started, all over again, with all of the break-up drama, etc. I'm really not a mean person, I HATE!! making women cry. This sucks>!!

[vashti]

I'm not sure I understand what you want, then... if not sex, are you saying you want relationships, but just don't want the women to be upset if things don't work out? I don't know if you can have that. Having intimacy seems to require at least some degree of caring, and if you care about someone, you will get mad if they dump you.

[lahnnabell]

Yeah, it's a crappy cycle. My boyfriend said he was about ready to give up on women until he met me last year. His most recent ex was absolutely looney tunes and they only dated for a few weeks before she became insanely jealous of any of his female friends. She'd get upset if he didn't send her a text that sounded like he cared enough. It was ridiculous. Like you he hates hurting anyone, but just remember that you are a good person and you are doing what it takes to take care of you.

Keep doing as you're doing, let them down gently, but keep it short. They'll try to keep the conversation going by acting confused and asking questions, but the cold hard truth is that you're just not feeling it. Too many women attach their self-worth to whether or not a man is attracted to them. This is no fault of yours.

[Perryville]

Vash and LB, I DO, absolutely, understand that if the Ladies have invested emotionally in the beginnings of a relationship, that there is bound to be some fallout. But if it isn't happening, it isn't happening. Why try to force something that isn't there? I would love it if I could have some sort of friendly feelings, or at least respect, for these women, after the breakup, but this very rarely happens. I think that emotional maturity is the key, and maybe I'm attracted to the wrong women. I can get to know something of them, their intellect, their likes and dislikes, their sexual feelings, etc, but how does a person measure maturity?

[vashti]

Well, darling.... if they are upset about losing you, they are obviously mature. If they don't care, they are just skanky bitches.

Seriously, though... how old are the women you date? And how old are you?

[starbuck]

Perry why are you so hung up about being the "bad guy" if you have to dump someone? When someone enters into a relationship, and all intentions are made clear from the beginning, then being dumped is the chance one takes. It certainly doesn't make you a villian.

I was the dumper in alot of my past relationships. I don't feel lasting guilt about it beyond the initial remorse. But why was I the dumper the majority of the time? Most likely I was picking the wrong people for the wrong reasons to begin with.

Some people, like the women you describe, would rather stay in a bad relationship than be dumped. It doesn't really matter if it's a FWB relationship or a long term one. People generally don't take rejection well. Females and males alike.

[lahnnabell]

That's tough, Perry. Measuring maturity can be a complete waste of time. Most of the time we won't know how a person truly reacts under pressure until we're in the thick of it. It's then that you see a person's character.

Pay close attention to how these women handle stressors in their lives. Work, difficult conversations, ex-boyfriends. Are these the type of women that hold grudges? For example, if a woman mentions her ex using very unfavorable terms then she probably holds onto resentment. Even when I was in the thick of heartbreak, I was still respectful of the fact that my exes were inherently good people that had made mistakes.

[Junket]

Me and my current g/f had considered a mutual break up at one point.

But maybe those are worse...

[Perryville]

Vash, I'm in my mid-thirties, and most of the Ladies are in their upper twentys to mid thirties. Most are professional women, and are seemimgly stable. Starbuck, I'm not "hung up", about being the bad guy, I'm more upset that the ladies and I can't have a mutual understanding about ending the relationship. I would prefer a lot less drama, and a little more mutual respect.

[vashti]

Eh, the women in that age range may be getting a little desperate to reproduce, which can drive up the hysteria level.