Like a kick to the stomach

[QueenofCorona]

I've been dating my bf for almost 6 months. He is divorced with 2 children who I have become very close to.

I'm not going to say dating a man with an ex wife and 2 kids is easy but I love him and the girls and its worth it. I have accepted that his ex wife will always be in the picture and that he has to talk to her.

He's really only been with her, his ex gf whom he used to live with, and then now me. A background about me, I have dated some losers. Thats putting it nicely and giving them credit. I have been cheated on and you never get over that. My bf was cheated on as well, by his ex wife.

So this weekend we had some people over for NYE and his ex wife called to talk to the kids which is normal. One of the guests brought up her name and the ex wife had some ugly names thrown around by my bf. Not the first time this has happened but this time everyone looked at me to see how I'd react. I pretened I hadn't heard it and brushed it off with a smile. I guess it bothers me that she still gets to him. He NEVER says anything negative about her when his kids are around. I mean I know she hurt him terribly but it makes it 100% clear that I am only around because she isn't.

The other problem that was brought to light this weekend is when we were downloading movies. He was on his laptop and set it on my lap and his email happened to be open. I noticed an email from his ex girlfriend and the subject line was "Mac Question" I had also noticed when we were making appetizers that he had an email from her pulled up with the recipes she'd emailed him. I guess I'm taken back by that. This bothers me worse than the ex wife situation. I KNOW his ex wife has a boyfriend (she left my bf for him) so I'm worried. How can I not be?

I find myself putting up a huge red flag and I love him and want to trust him but at the same time I'm not going to allow myself to be hurt either.

Since he is friends with all my friends I really cannot talk to any of them about this without it getting back to him on terms other than my own. I don't want to be that overbearing gf who tells her bf what he can and can't do.

[vashti]

You shouldn't tell him what he can and can't do - you should solely make decisions based on what you will and won't deal with. If you are sure he would still be with his ex, given the choice, I don't really understand why you continue to hang around.

BTW - It's a REALLY bad idea to become involved with people's children in the way you have. When you guys break up, they will have to suffer through another traumatic loss. Shame on your idiot boyfriend for not thinking about that before bringing you around.

[QueenofCorona]

I should metion, my bf has full custody of his kids and his ex wife left him to move with another man half way across the country. I didn't meet the kids til about a 1.5 months after we'd been dating.

[IncognitoSir]

Well you should go to him and talk with him about what type of relationship he plans on having with his ex. There's nothing wrong with doing that. He's with you, but the mother of his children will always have a pretty significant role in his life and the kids. I'de say to talk with him about it and let him know what youre thinking and feeling. Put it all out on the table. The longer you keep it all bottled up, the worst it'll get, trust me.

[vashti]

I should metion, my bf has full custody of his kids and his ex wife left him to move with another man half way across the country. I didn't meet the kids til about a 1.5 months after we'd been dating.

That's nice, but it doesn't really change what I said.

[QueenofCorona]

That's nice, but it doesn't really change what I said.

So divorced men shouldn't date at all, ever?

[Charlie Boy II]

So he was looking at recipes his ex-wife sent him? Is that the issue?

[vashti]

So divorced men shouldn't date at all, ever?

Did I say that?

No.

I said they should keep their dates away from their children so they can avoid unnecessary attachments that won't last.

[QueenofCorona]

Did I say that?

No.

I said they should keep their dates away from their children so they can avoid unnecessary attachments that won't last.

You may want to consider changing your mood to "negative" just a thought.

So, a divorced man or woman should never introduce his children to the person they're dating. What if they decide to get married or move in together? Here's your new stepmom/dad...hope you're cool with this new stranger.

[Moe]

You shouldn't tell him what he can and can't do - you should solely make decisions based on what you will and won't deal with. If you are sure he would still be with his ex, given the choice, I don't really understand why you continue to hang around.

BTW - It's a REALLY bad idea to become involved with people's children in the way you have. When you guys break up, they will have to suffer through another traumatic loss. Shame on your idiot boyfriend for not thinking about that before bringing you around.

Vashti is right about the kids step back. My daughter is going through Hell right now because of my ex GF. I know Vashti has read some of my post.
You may not know it or mean it but they get attached my daughter cried here for hours on Christmas because my ex GF was a dirt ball. She also went and visited a neighbor on Christmas day and I only found out yesterday she was upset there also.
Kids ina relationship are a huge responsibility and need special care.

[vashti]

You may want to consider changing your mood to "negative" just a thought.

So, a divorced man or woman should never introduce his children to the person they're dating. What if they decide to get married or move in together? Here's your new stepmom/dad...hope you're cool with this new stranger.

Dating is not the same as remarrying.

You are a very foolish girl, not ONLY because you are hanging with a man who loves someone else, but also because you think it is somehow acceptable that his two little girls should suffer when you two break up, as if having their mother abandon them wasn't enough.

Please wait to have children until you are grown up.

[QueenofCorona]

I'm not quite sure how my initial post has become turned around to the kids. Believe me, I know the kids are a huge part of the relationship. I am 30 years old and want to be in a committed relationship where there is a future and I really believe my bf does too. He's been divorced for 4 years and has only dated one other woman, by no means has there been a parade of random women introduced to the kids.

[QueenofCorona]

Dating is not the same as remarrying.

You are a very foolish girl, not ONLY because you are hanging with a man who loves someone else, but also because you think it is somehow acceptable that his two little girls should suffer when you two break up, as if having their mother abandon them wasn't enough.

Please wait to have children until you are grown up.

And you seem to be quite the nasty hag who is not capable of love or friendship. Funny that you are here even.

[Moe]

Because the KIDS have too be first before you or your BF.

I after my divorce never brought a women around my kids. Period.
After about three months the last one convinced me that the kids could be part of her(our) life since she also had three. We dated and were to be married and after three years and letting her into my kids life was the biggest mistake I ever made. My daughter may be scared for life because of our relationship ending.

I'm not quite sure how my initial post has become turned around to the kids. Believe me, I know the kids are a huge part of the relationship. I am 30 years old and want to be in a committed relationship where there is a future and I really believe my bf does too. He's been divorced for 4 years and has only dated one other woman, by no means has there been a parade of random women introduced to the kids.

[vashti]

And you seem to be quite the nasty hag who is not capable of love or friendship. Funny that you are here even.

Funnier still that my reputation is pretty good!

But you are right: I don't specialize in limiting myself to telling people only what they want to hear. Sorry.