parenting....

[okman43]

hi all, i would like to hear the mans and womans perspective on this.........


i have been dating this girl for a year now and we are talkig about getting married, everything in the relationship is great except for one thing. she has a 6 year old son that cant sleep anywhere but with her.
im pretty sure that the reason that her and her X "grew apart" had something to do with the fact that since her son was born he has never slept in a bed by himself, and her X usually ended up sleeping on the couch or recliner fo r 5 years.

now its to the point that he is 6 years old and still cant go to sleep unless his mother is in her bed with him. so she has to stop whatever she is doing and go to bed with him until he falls asleep, then she can get up and continue doing whatever it was she was doing, but if he wakes up and she isnt there he gets up and comes and gets her to get back in bed.

an example was the other morning she wanted me to come over and bring breakfast early in the morning. so i wake up at 5:30 and swing by the local fastfood for some coffee and breafast. well, when i get there he is in her bed, (which i assumed was going to be the case, but sometimes she puts him on the couch) so we sit at the couch and start to drink our coffee but before we can even start on the breakfast he wakes up and wonders why his mother isnt in bed with him. so, instead of telling him to get back in bed she has to stop the breakfast and go lay back in bed with him untill he falls back asleep.

usually when this happens she ends up falling asleep while trying to get him to go back to sleep so i didnt see any since in sitting on the couch in a dark living room while they were both sleeping in the other room. so after about 30 minutes i finally just give up and go back home. well, as you can imagine when she woke up she was furious at me for not waiting around.

i guess my question is what age should the child stop sleeping with the parent. its about to be a problem with her son because when he has friends stay they sleep in his bedroom and he has to sleep woth his mom, and it wont be long before the other kids notice and start teasing him about it.

im just not sure how the relationship can progress until she gets her 6 year old to sleep alone in his own room. i mean we talk about getting married and them moving in to my house, but if she cant even get him to sleep in his own bed in the house that he grew up in how is she ever going to up and move to another house and get him to sleep in a strange bedroom by himself????

thanks in advance...

[vashti]

heh, my step son did that.

I think you should tell your girlfriend you won't be sleeping over or getting married until this problem is resolved. (You really need to mean it.)

I know from experience that solving this is pretty cruel and harsh on the kid. We had to let mine literally stand in the hallway screaming and crying and pounding on our door until he eventually passed out from exhaustion for a few days before he stopped. OMG, it went on for hours! It was not pretty, and to be honest, it was unfair of my husband to involve me in this in any way because it sets up a natural resentment (on both the child's part and mine) that is very difficult to overcome.

Do NOT get involved in this problem - just tell your GF you won't have any thing to do with it. She created this mess - let her fix it.

[okman43]

vashti, thanks for the reply. i agree with you 100%, the only problem is that she thinks that there is nothing wrong with it. and i agree that its unfair to the child too, i have tried to explain to her that she is doing him nore harm than good and that on eday he isnt going ot be able to sleep in the same bed as his mother and that he would be better off if she would break this habit now as opposed to later.

[vashti]

If she doesn't have a problem with it, you will need to think about whether your two different parenting styles will ultimately be compatible. Eventually, he WILL outgrow this, but her permissive style WILL express itself in other ways.

In either case, I still think you should avoid being with her during his sleep hours.

[okman43]

i actually tried your advice Vashti after reading your replay and all she wants to do is run. at the first mention of the issue and talking to her about spending time together during his sleeping hours she immediatly get defensive and says "maybe we should spend more time apart".

i think your right about the compatibility issues, maybe its time to give up and move on.

[Heratriumphant]

Honestly that was the age of my son when he started sleeping on his own.

I totally agree with vasti that this is something mom needs to do on her own. It isn't fair to you, her son or your future relationship otherwise.

From experience it CAN be done gently but it takes a couple of months. You have explain that you won't be there when they wake up, and give them about a week or two to get used to that change. Then that you won't come back when they wake up in the middle of the night, coupled with teaching them some self soothing tools. And so on and so forth till the parent's bed I'd off limits with out special premission and only in certain cases (illness bad dream etc... Do Not give a list of those reasons or you will suddenly have a seriously ill kid with night terrors.

The parent has to be willing to stand their ground at each step though, which hopefully your GF can do. If she can't, well then I would think twice about marrying her, I don't think any marriage can survive in a house ruled by a child.

[Heratriumphant]

We cross posted.

Ouch! That isn't hopefull news.

Good luck to you man.

[kez73]

I have been a 'co-sleeper' with all three of my kids but I got them into their own beds much sooner for my own sanity lol. My personal view was that when they were younger and I was on my own most of the time for getting up with them in the night, etc etc, I was so tired I got sleep anyway I could - which meant them sleeping with me. However, as they got to toddler age, that wasn't working so well anymore and I can see that with your gf. She is still getting up with him and that means she is losing sleep too - which kind of derails the whole idea of getting a better night's rest. My youngest is almost 2 and I am gearing up to move him to his own bed soon. Not looking forward to it cos he is the most clingy of all three (he was a 3 lb preemie so it's understood why we let him get away with a lot lol). But the time has come where my relationship will start to suffer more if I am never in bed with my partner - 2 years is enough. I can't imagine 6.

I think it's important to respect a parent's choices when it comes to their child - but it is already affecting the potential of the relationship and you don't even live together yet! So that's not a good sign. I think you are well within your rights to explain that if you are going to live with someone, you don't want it to be a case where you are on the couch every night. I would avoid words like 'you SHOULD be moving him to his own room' and other such words that sound demanding - but I think you need to be honest as well. Talk about it from your perspective.... not telling her what she should or shouldn't do. You're not a parent so she will just get her hackles up right away (like she already has). Perhaps you can have a discussion about children in general, talking about if kids get invited to more and more sleepovers but can't or don't want to because of their sleeping habits (example - my brother used to come home from parties because he couldn't sleep and would crawl into bed with my mom even at 10 years old and his friends stopped inviting him over!). Or talking about how after a certain age, if the parent isn't getting a proper sleep because their child keeps waking up to look for them, it's not really making the point of good sleep, etc.... who knows.

But in the end, if she is not willing to change this on her own, does not see the point of it, then it's something you will have to decide about - the future of the relationship between you and this woman. I remember when my oldest was little, I was not dating anyone, and my friend told me I HAVE to get him out of my bed before I meet someone. I was very irritated by her comments, so I have a feeling of what your gf is going through. I hated it when others told me what to do with my own child. As it happens, I decided on my own when to move my son to his own room and I met someone a few months after that. I did not move my kid based on someone else's demands, I did it when I stopped getting a good sleep cos his foot would be in my neck at 3am or he was half pushing me out of bed. Your gf has not reached that stage yet and you can't force her. Hopefully you can discuss it rationally but it's hard to tell what will happen based on her past reactions.

[CAM]

I dated a single mom and the same sort of thing went on for awhile. In essence, it was an excuse to avoid getting too intimate with me.

When she finally did get intimate with me, she started crying afterwards and said that she had promised herself she wouldn't sleep with a guy again until things were more serious--aka a ring or something. I asked her how many guys she'd slept with and she said that she'd slept with 15 guys (note: she was 24 at the time).

One time, her son walked in on us while we were having sex. He said, "Mommy, I can't sleep without you sitting by me." She left the room and comforted him he went to sleep in his room. When she came back, I was dressed and ready to leave. I couldn't deal emotionally with the tragedies that her child had experienced...so many men having been to his mother's bedroom. She was confused. The child was confused. I was young and stupid for having gotten involved. Lesson learned.

Your gf isn't ready for you. You aren't ready for her. At most, just be her friend. She's a mom first and your girlfriend a distant second.

[qwertz]

That is really unhealthy anyway, without you being involved, she still needs to sort out his sleeping habits.
Ive never understood parents who willingly let their children get into this behaviour.

I agree with vash, its going to be hard, but she has to be cruel to be kind, the child needs some routine and to learn independence.
After the initial few days, she then needs to get the child into a bedtime routine-and stick to it.

As for her not wanting to, well, she needs to realise that by doing this for her son, is better in the long run than not having a relationship just so she can continue having her son sleep in bed with her.

[okman43]

thanks for the input guys, keep em comming!! i want to hear different peoples thoughts on this issue.

Heratriumphant , your exactly right when u said " The parent has to be willing to stand their ground at each step though, which hopefully your GF can do. If she can't, well then I would think twice about marrying her, I don't think any marriage can survive in a house ruled by a child."

i know she thinks she is doing the right thing, but when it to the point that she cant even take a shower alone something has to change soon!!

but, either way it looks like the relationship is over. she doesnt want to discuss making any changes and i am having a hard time seeing a future for us other than what we have right now. im ready to move on with my life and have a life long relationship but i just cant see how the relationship could grow any further untill she lets her son grow up.

i really feel for him because he doesnt know any difference, and the longer she lets it go on the harder it is going to be on him.

[vashti]

If you reconcile with her, I want to urge you NOT be be resentful of this child. This is not his fault - SHE did it, probably using him as some sort of shield against loneliness. If you decide to stick it out, please be very patient with him.

[kittykitty]

It's probably not healthy but Im guilty of the same thing. While I was single my daughter slept in the same bed with me. Up until she was age 5. But once I got into a serious relationship I had to break her out of the habit. It was the best thing for me and her.