Caught In The Middle Of A Breakup/Being Used

[shheadz]

I think I already know the answer here because it feels like deja vu, but I'm trying to chill out on making impulse decisions these days, so I thought I'd ask for advice.

There's a girl I've been interested in for a while, but neither of us were single, so all we did was a little innocent flirting with each other. I started flirting a bit heavier after my ex and I broke up a month and a half ago. She flirted back, but said a few vague things to made it sound like she wasn't single.

A week later I invited her to my place. She came over, we had fun, kissed, and slept together. We spent the next few days calling each other and texting, and we both admitted how much we'd liked each other all along, and she said she really likes me a lot. Great. We made plans for her to come back to my place a few days later, and I'd make her dinner. I did (Spaghetti and meatballs.. I'm a simple guy), and we were having fun that night.

Here's where things get sketchy. Towards the end of the night her "ex" started texting and calling her constantly. He was doing a lot of pathetic begging and pleading, and wanted to talk to her later. She finally got tired of him calling every 5 minutes and answered the phone. I could hear the poor guy on the other end crying, saying I love you, and he wanted to talk to her. The real red flag for me is when she said, "Well, I tried talking to you this morning, and you didn't want to."

I talked to her the next day and asked if she really was single, and if I'm getting caught up in some mess, and she assured me she was, and I wasn't. Something doesn't feel right though. The "I tried talking to you this morning" thing bothers me. Isn't that something someone would do if they're trying to reconcile things with an ex/bf?

I guess I'm ok with her breaking up with her boyfriend to start seeing me, because there's been an attraction between us for a long time, and he sounds like a real d!ck. But I also don't want to feel like she's taking me for a test drive before making a final decision. Or worse yet, using me as some kind of pawn in a stupid breakup/makeup game with her boyfriend. Should I walk away from this? I'd hate to walk away from a good thing if she really is over her boyfriend, and she's just going through a breakup.

[lahnnabell]

Ehhh... Go with your gut. Has she opened up to you about this situation at all? 'Cause seriously, I would sit her down and tell her how the words she used were a bit shady. I'd be miffed too. I'd want some clarity.

[shheadz]

My gut says to walk away. The 2 month relationship with my ex was one complication after another. By the end of it I felt completely drained and exhausted. I don't want to set myself up for a second helping of frustration. Attraction and chemistry isn't everything.

[Heratriumphant]

"I tried to talk to you this morning" isn't too awful on her part doesn't really show anything but immaturity.

If this guy is calling and texting constantly I could see a young person trying to keep talking to them to make them feel better or to "help them through it." So I wouldn't assume that they're trying to work it out.

I WOULD assume that this girl is young, inexperienced and emotionally immature.

So yeah, red flags but not the ones your thinking.

[lhn]

If you back away it doesn't mean you can't still get together another month down the line... perhaps when it becomes clear that she isn't going to get back with him.

Gut instincts are important imo.

[Spency]

If I were you, I would give this the benefit of doubt.

Treat it as non commital at the moment but enjoy yourself.

If it keeps happening walk away, within a few weeks you will know if she really is single or not.

I know its easy for me to say, but dont get to involved, treat it as fun, and if it develops great news, if not, you have done nothing wrong.

[lahnnabell]

The trouble of trying to be non-commital is that it is difficult. If you really like someone and YOU are personally set on committing, it becomes harder and harder to cut the other person off.

shheadz, I would talk to her first. If you do end up pursuing a relationship with her, it is good to get started on the open communication. And if she's not down with that, then she can stick to consoling her ex.

[shheadz]

Yep.. definitely walking away from this one. Turns out she's recently started having problems at home, and by problems I mean her mom's boyfriend getting a little too close to her, if you know what I mean.

Like I said, this is total deja vu. My ex had personal issues up to her elbows, and I could go the rest of my life without dating another crazy chick.

[lahnnabell]

For serious? Not in an abusive way I hope? It's one thing if he's making advances and she's brushing them off. Do you think she's feeding it? How'd you even find this out?

Sorry, my curiosity gets the better of me

[SarahJaine]

I would back away from the relationship part, just be friends and be there when she needs someone to talk to...let her figure out what she wants. if they stay separated for a while then talk to her, tell her how you feel.

[shheadz]

For serious? Not in an abusive way I hope? It's one thing if he's making advances and she's brushing them off. Do you think she's feeding it? How'd you even find this out?

Sorry, my curiosity gets the better of me

haha.. ok.. you asked for it.. it's gonna be long.

---
Well, I was already a little suspicious after our first night together. You know, we were getting to know each other. Talking about our past, things we like, and our family. Every time she brought up Tim, her mother's boyfriend, and the things the two of them did together, I kept thinking, "Man, this guy seems a little too preoccupied with his young 'step daughter'". I let it slide though because for one it's none of my business, and two I didn't think she'd be so naive to not see what's going on. So I figured it must be innocent.

Actually, before I keep going she also told me he's spent some time in jail, and spent some time on the run from the law. Nice family, huh? Also I'm talking about her in this thread over @ [url]http://www.loveforum.net/intimate-forum/37376-convincing-her-go-down.html[/url] I left some details out of that story. After she left that night we texted for a while, and she admitted that she had been raped by her step dad (Different guy) many years ago, and it sent her whole family into a tail spin. It's one of the reasons she didn't like feeling pressured into doing something she didn't want to do.

So anyway.. we were texting the next day, and I asked if she wanted to grab some coffee later. She said she hadn't been home in 24 hours, needed a shower, and couldn't go home till 3pm. Hrm? So I said, "Okay, lets grab a cup of coffee at 4 then". Nope. She said her mom gets home from work at 3, and she needed to talk to her about some things. So ok.. alarms are starting to go off in my head because of my previous suspicions. Why would a young girl be avoiding her home unless her mom's around?

We texted a bit that night, and she just seemed off. So I asked what was up, and after a bit of back and forth she finally replied, "It's Tim". She didn't need to say anything more. I knew what she was getting at. We talked a bit more.. and yeah.. there's some sexual abuse going on. Does it even count as sexual abuse if she's 21? I dunno, but she doesn't like it. She's now spending as much time away from her house as she can. When she can't do that, she spends hours locked in the bathroom pretending to take a shower.

She hasn't told her mom or other friends, because she doesn't want to put her family through that whole ordeal again.
---

Surprisingly enough, that isn't enough for me to go running to the hills. We all have problems, right? The reason I've decided to back away is because of how forthcoming she was with all this info after only a week of seeing each other. I went through all of this with my ex. Within the first week of dating she told me about the antidepressants she was on, how she cuts herself, how she was raped by a ex, etc. I'm not doing it again. I can't deal with another drama queen that's so insecure she thinks the only way to hook me is by sleeping with me, and getting me to feel sorry for her. I can't think of any other reason why a girl I've only known for a week would tell me all this, when she hasn't even told life long friends about it. Heck, for all I know she's lying, or leaving out a lot of details. It's odd that this guy that's been living in that house for years, would suddenly start getting frisky at the exact same time I started seeing her.

Nope.. Not gonna do it. I absolutely have white knight syndrome, and I'm backing away before I get too involved. I don't want to spend the next couple months baby sitting another girlfriend.

[lahnnabell]

Woah. That is... a lot. She needs to talk to someone who can help her. I understand your reservations, but are you going to be okay knowing you walked away when someone may need some serious help? I know it's not your problem, but I also know that you're an empathetic guy who cares about people.

It seems logical that she'd be afraid of telling her mother and rocking the boat, but this girl has to get some sort of help. It IS sexual abuse because his advances are unwanted. Age does not matter here.

Yikes. Anyone else got anything?

[shheadz]

We talked about her options the other night. Yeah, she can take the easy way out and just move out of that house. There's a catch though... She's got a 2 year old sister. Does she really want to leave this girl behind with a perv? She said she confronted him about the whole thing, and it hasn't really helped.

I don't know what I'm going to do about yet, if anything at all. While I am backing away from getting further involved romantically with her, I am willing to talk to her more and get to the bottom of things. I want to get a clearer picture of what's going on, and honestly make sure she's not lying.

[lahnnabell]

That's smart. Sucks for her that you suspect her of being less than honest, but you've had your fair share of screwed up relationships, so I'm not gonna knock you. Besides, it'll help you keep a level, objective view on all of this household insanity. Good luck, man!

[shheadz]

We'll see how things go. I'm willing to help, but she has to be willing to help herself first. I'll walk her to the police station, help her file the report, and help her through it, but I'm not going to take total charge of a stranger's life.