A Few Problems..?

[Spilly]

Prescript - Sorry about the punctuation and spelling just kinda throw it together.
- Any advise is appreciated.


I'm so confused. I don't really know what to do about my female problems.
I love this girl to death but I starting to see that she doesn't feel the
same. Should I let her go? What if she never comes back? I do have others
to fall back on but I yet to see anyone that is even comparable to her.
It destroys me to see her with someone else, I know its selfish but I
can't help it. I've never been the emotional type but it tears me apart
to even think about losing her. I might be over thinking it cause its the
only think thats been on my mind for the past while. And the worst part is
that I've been through so much with her, made so many sacrifices, jumped
head first into horrible situations for her and her friends are trying to
talk her out of a relationship with me? I have no idea what to think,
where did I go wrong? I've never done anything to jeopardize our relationship
or anything of that nature, I've always had her back even when I know shes
wrong. I just wish I could flick a switch and not love her, thinks would be
so much easier.

If your finding it hard to understand how much I love this girl let me try
to explain. My love for her isn't just the "I love you's" and stuff, its so
much deeper. Its the goosebumps she gives me when I feel her breath, the
chills I get I feel her lips, the moments when I can speak cause all I can
feel is my heart beating in my neck. Shes been my inspiration to exist,
without her I am lost. And I don't even know why I love her so much cause
she very good at letting me down, getting my hopes up just to watch them
drop and I'm not trying to cut her up or anything but its seems like if she
says shes coming to me there is maybe a 10% chance shes going to make it.
Whenever we go out I disappear to her and that hurts the most. I have so
many mixed emotions right now, extreme love, some hate, lots of confusion
and a good dose of heartbreak.

I want her to be happy and I want her to be with me, but the why things are
going there opposing eachother and that kills me. Not she if I should let
her read this or not? I'm not getting use the that fact of her being with
another man, its going to kill me, even more so when my greatest motivation
was her. Losing your greatest friend, lover, and companion won't be easy.

PS - Thanks for getting through that. And she just texted me that shes going to come to my place around 8ish am. not sure if this changes anything.

PSS - I know that if I wanted to I could get her back... I'm just not sure if I should.

[Spring Haze]

Can you please fill us in on what your relationship is with her currently? If you're not together now, were you ever?

I've always had her back even when I know shes wrong.

You can love someone and still disagree with that person. You shouldn't compromise your values and/or common sense just to get one someone's good side, or as a way to show what you think is 'caring.'

Looking to someone for "inspiration to exist" while thinking they can prevent you from feeling "lost" is a mistake. There is a level of independency that must coincide with sharing a life with someone. One needs to carve out individual "inspiration" that is separate from his/her partner. The alternative is to have an unhealthy, codependent relationship that causes both people anguish.

Until you can view your life as worthwhile without a girlfriend in it, it's my opinion that you should wait before getting involved with anyone.

[cmacattack1]

Just my opinion here, but one of the cornerstones of a truly successful relationship is honesty. By having her back when she is wrong, are you really doing her a favor? Are you really being a good boyfriend or what your concept of being a good boyfriend is?

Don't get me wrong, it's important to have a partner that is supportive. But being supportive is helping somebody grow, and telling somebody that is wrong that they aren't is more like being a crutch for their insecurities. You don't want to strengthen those insecurities do you? Sooner or later they will get in the way and you WILL resent her for those at some point of tolerating it long enough.

Of course her best friends are going to talk her out of a relationship with you. She has painted them a certain picture of you, she's unhappy, so who do you think they are going to side with? She isn't honest with them, they are supporting her by telling her she is right even when she isn't like you have been doing, and that isn't even what true friends are.

Based on what you are saying, I'm guess she has dumped you and is hanging out with somebody else, yet kind of keeping you around in the picture a bit as a cushion. I know you love her and want to do anything for her, but isn't this kind of ****ed up? Relationships aren't about having your cake and eating it too. What she is doing is wrong, and she is not a perfect person. You are feeding her ego and making she think she is though and she will do whatever the hell she wants if you want to keep supporting her like this.

You need to be on your own and recognize who you are because I'd put five bucks on the fact that this relationship has changed who you are completely. Do it for your own good. You need to stop thinking about her and start thinking about yourself. Do you like what this has turned you into? You have to take responsibility that what affects you is in your power. You can let this turn you into a complete doormat or you can start having some respect and self worth again.

These are all theories though and I don't know the situation quite like you do. Just my take.

[Spilly]

Spring Haze and Cmacattack1, Sorry for not completely filling you. This lady and have been together for a bit over 5 years, always had a strong relationship and all that a strong relationship entails. We have been through a lot of drama from fatal house fires to her mother dieing from cancer. Each event has hugely strengthened our relationship. We kinda had a mutual time out I guess, but I did make it apparent without telling her that I was only doing it for her because she is in university and I'm was working for a very good paycheck (Were live about 5 hours apart right now but I'm moving about an hour away). That was about 2 weeks ago, the company went bankrupt when and unexpected problem arose to sink it, needless to say I lost the job. I'm at a all time low in my life, I just can't seem to win any battles and I think that why I turned to the Internet, I needed to express and vent.

Cmacattack1, I think I owe you five bucks because you hit the nail on the head. But to stop thinking about her is something I can't even swallow right now. We were a young couple with an incredible bond and I can't understand how fast its being destroyed, I'm doing my absolute best to step away and the only way I can even think about it is to think that it might just make her come out of this.. whatever it is.

Now she did come over this morning for a few minutes to confuse me a bit more I think. I was still in bed when she arrived due to the lack of sleep I'm getting. she crawled right in beside me... and lol.. she just opened my door again so I'll finish in a few minutes.

[Spilly]

I think I won this battle, well until the end :\. she came in and crawled in beside me saying she couldn't stay long so as soon as she got comfy I sprang out the other side, walking around my bed she noticed I've been working out (I do extreme workouts when I'm depressed and I've lost 10 pounds in the 2 weeks and don't worry I'm healthy and safe in all my workouts) so I got the feeling that it restored the lust that we both been hiding for each other. I walked to my closet and and put a shirt on and continued to the bathroom to brush me teeth but feeling really rude I stopped in my door and started talking to see what she was going to do today. She stuttered a few times (she only stutters when shes put under pressure) and told me shes going to a basketball game at the high school. She asked me what I was doing and I told her I didn't know but I was going to try and find something to do, I acted very cheery and refreshed. I told her the game started in 5 mins and she was reluctant to leave, she wanted to find out what I was doing fairly badly and when I noticed this I made what I was doing more suspicious (even though I don't have any plans). I know her really well and can tell how she feels all the time and she was very confused and didn't want to leave but she set it up that she had to from the moment she go in bed. She stood at the door looking at me in the kitchen as I looked for a bottle of water, She then walked across the kitchen and gestured "hug?" with holding her arms out a bit from her sides. I then kind of went on a mellow attack and asked how she wants me to get over her when she always wants hugs and kisses, she looked at me shocked and then took a few steps behind the counter and whisper "so your really not going to give me a hug?" I looked at her and she was genuinely sad, so I walked over and gave her a friendly hug and when she didn't let go I gave her a kiss on the forehead and felt my heart wrench to the point I almost teared up, she spruced up and kissed me back on the lips and was like "there." as if everything had fallen back into 'her' placement.

I'm so confused now. She knows I'm trying to get over her now but she knows I'm the underdog. Nothings worst then being teased, I've never seen her like this. when she asked if i really wasn't going to get her a hug she looked as I felt for the past while and it hurt me more to see her like that.

Now what?

[Spilly]

You can love someone and still disagree with that person. You shouldn't compromise your values and/or common sense just to get one someone's good side, or as a way to show what you think is 'caring.'

When I said I always had her back I meant that if she was in an confrontation with someone, to and extent, I would always side with her.

[cmacattack1]

*sigh* I can't help but think of the phrase, you always want something that you can't have. I think when you were kind of giving her the cool attitude and not hugging her you were kind of scaring her. If she thinks she is losing you, she is probably going to want you back. And when you act cool but then give into what she wants, it may look like you are confused and that she still has control over the situation. These are all theories though. Don't send mixed messages.

I think that although it's going to be excruciating, you need to back away from this until she figures out what she wants. I just feel that it's not fair to you to have you thrown for this emotional roller coaster. You seem to have a good poker face even though it's killing you inside and she may not even know what she is putting you through. I admire that. It shows alot of strength and character. It's helping you in this situation. However, I think you also feel like that you can't function without her and a little space might do you some good to get your priorities back on track. What is very attractive to a woman or anybody for that matter is some serious independence. Don't do it for her though, do it for you. Looking for a new job or getting involved in other things can help you.

I can't guarentee but I think that by doing this, she will come back to you. 5 years isn't something you just forget about and although she has another guy in the picture, he isn't you. When all the excitement is done and gone and the honeymoon feeling wears off, she'll be left thinking about you. You have many qualities that this guy doesn't have, so do not be threatened by him.

If and when she does come back, make sure it's for the right reasons, because if she is just doing it to kill that scared lonely feeling, she will more than likely revert back to how she was when she dumped you. I can personally vouch for that fact that being on your own can really help you grow as a person and you need her to grow up so that your relationship can be stronger than it was before.

You are your own person and you are going to do what you want. I just feel that from the stories I've read on here and my own personal failures, that it's the way to go. No matter what you decided to do, I'll be rooting for you.

[Spilly]

You are your own person and you are going to do what you want. I just feel that from the stories I've read on here and my own personal failures, that it's the way to go. No matter what you decided to do, I'll be rooting for you.

cmacattack1, I just want to thank you. You've given me the confidence I needed to finally let her go and I just hope that she finds out that she loves me.

~*~Sorry it is so long but it is very detailed story of my night, it is worth the read~*~

She came over today and was being very loving and was trying to turn me on. Even though she was very successful, I shot her down and made it apparent that I wasn't a toy. She started worrying that I was seeing someone and I keep her in the dark about the whole situation. I started felling like a jerk, like I was intentionally hurting her. She started getting worked up about it so I bluntly told her that I wasn't in any relationships with anyone.

She sat down on the love seat in my room, I was lying in the middle of my bed with my arms behind my head watching her. I asked her if she might want to watch a movie or something and she immediately said "Yes.", I hesitated then got up and grabbed a few comedy flicks, showed them to her and she told me to pick. I popped 'My Best friends Girl' in.

As I walked past her on the love seat I felt a chill go through me as she grabbed my hand and ask me to sit with her in the most beautiful tone of her voice. Feeling my heart skip a beat I dropped on the couch beside her, I couldn't even look at her cause I was overwhelmed by the intense feeling that I wanted to turn and kiss her. She started to cuddle up to me and I didn't want to make her feel stupid for showing affection for me so I opened my arm and laid back for her to rest on me.

We laid there and mumbled back and forth to each other for about the first 30 minutes of the movie. Then the phone ring so I got up to get it. I talked for about 2 or 3 minutes with my father before letting him go, walked back into my room and sat the phone on my nightstand, turned and looked at her and she was patently waiting for me, I took a few moments to digest the feelings I was having then and got back into another comfy cuddle position, this time we could easily look at each other so I took a glimpse over at her and was completely overwhelmed to the point where I think I blacked out and gave her a sweet, insignificant kiss on the check. She turned and looked at me with the warmest feeling I've ever seen but I felt as if I had betrayed myself.

Shortly after the kiss I asked her where she sees us standing, she took her time and finally said "I'm not sure.", this confused and kind of angrier me. I looked in her eyes trying to find another way to express my love, then she flipped my world upside down and tired it into a knot, she said "I don't think I could ever love someone as much as I love you.". This was a major upset in my plan to play it cool and take the high road. I'm not a crier or an emotional person, but when she said that I shed a tear. Then immediately closed my eyes and turned my face to try and hide my emotion. I had a million thinks flying through my head when I felt her wet cheek on my bicep. If I could go through life with only one tear to shed it would of been there, that tear was one of the most powerful things I have ever been capable of and it completely changed the situation.

She cried in my arms for 15 minutes and during that 15 minutes I knew I was in control, I knew I could put her through the s**t she put me through. But then I started thinking about being on the bottom again, remembering the feeling of worthlessness, the feeling of heart break.

I put my hand around the side of her neck and pushed her chin up with my thumb to see the sad and hurt face of the person I love to most. I told her that I would always love her unconditional and that I would always be here for her. She started to look relived but not 5 seconds passed before she started to look worried, I asked her what was wrong, no reply just a worried look.

Feeling a bit worried myself now I started running things through my head until I figured what she was worried about, I wasn't sure but I took a stab and confidently told her that we have had a few emotional days and a very emotional night, that just cause we opened up to each other didn't mean that we where ready to get back together.

Now this was one of the hardest things I have ever said, I was completely lying to myself and to her. I didn't want to chance it, I wanted to get back with her then and there but in my heart I felt that she wasn't ready and this hurt ever part of me. starting to choke up so I asked her if she was completely ready to get back together, doing my best to not show how bad it was hurting my to ask. She looked at me and just the way she smiled I knew she was about to lie to me, she said "Yes.".

I didn't say anything right away, then I looked at her and quietly said "You don't mean that.". She looked away and started crying again. I put my arms around her and rested my head on her back and told her that I would always love her and got up and walked to my bed and sat down, I felt like crying so bad but I didn't want to cry over someone that treated me like her so I just sat there, stared at the wall and struggled not to cry. She sat up and told me that she just need more time and that she will always love me too.

I told her that I wasn't going to be waiting around for her to get her s**t straight, that I was a human and deserve to be treated like one and that if she wouldn't find someone as good to her as I am. I was confused and mad, I felt like calling her names and telling her off, But I sat there and said "take all the time you need, but don't blame me if time takes me away from you." and with that I asked her to leave. She look at me with to most genuine look of love and respect and walked out my door.

I continued to sit on my bed and struggle not to cry for another 20 minutes before getting on my laptop and writing this.

[lhn]

You sir, have done a great thing. Very brave and very difficult. A little more time and it seems like u both might be back to being happily in love again, if you want it ofcourse.

She has realised the mistake she made and although it is easy to punish her for it, one word of advice... if you do get back together, don't hold a grudge and don't make her feel guilty for her actions. Another tough 'ask' but its the only way you would both be happy together.

Let time take its course and well done so far.

[Spilly]

You sir, have done a great thing. Very brave and very difficult. A little more time and it seems like u both might be back to being happily in love again, if you want it ofcourse.

She has realised the mistake she made and although it is easy to punish her for it, one word of advice... if you do get back together, don't hold a grudge and don't make her feel guilty for her actions. Another tough 'ask' but its the only way you would both be happy together.

Let time take its course and well done so far.

lhn, I appreciate your encouragement, I don't know if what I did was brave but it was damn difficult. Too bad she didn't think what people on this forum think cause I'm really pissed at her now

And she acts completely different when we're not alone, like I went to a hockey game this morning to get out and she was there with a few of her friends. I walked over and casually said "Hey, hows it going." and she kinda looked disgusted and looked away, her friends blocked me from even getting close to her. This pissed me right off, I walked right around the rink and out the front doors.

I walked outside and started towards my car when the guy she was with saw me, he yelled my last name and when I saw him I completely froze, I was so mad then. He walked over to me and said that I need to start leaving her alone and just leave her life. I was getting so pissed I couldn't even look at him. He gave me a shove and I told him that if he touched me again his 'Roids' wouldn't be able to help him. He seemed to get made that I said he did steroids and took a swing at me grazing the top of my head. I took one big step back and as he followed me I put a big right in the middle of his face the put him on his ass. I took 2 steps and kneed him in the face, and as I walked past him I could see everyone running inside to start the the rumors.

I jumped in my car shaking and drove home, as soon as I opened my door to go in I got a phone call from her, I answered and she was yelling so loud I couldn't understand what she was saying so I just hung up. She texted me and said that I embarrassed her and that she was gone forever.

Now I'm not getting too worked up over the event cause I'm so mad that I could care less if I ever seen her again, but I know that when I come out of whatever trans I'm in I will regret getting into a fight. Not sure what I should do now, the rumors now are that I hauled him out of his car and kicked his face in and apparently I did some decent damage to him. Hes not from around here so he probable doesn't know that there were cameras on us so if he gets the cops involved, I got all the evidence I need to show that he swung first.

I'm not going to apologizes to anyone and I don't yet regret fighting him.

[kai]

Trying to get back with your ex is the worst thing one can do after break up. There is no point. I think it's all done. If she tries to come back again then just tell her to **** off. That's the best thing you can do for yourself.

[Spilly]

Trying to get back with your ex is the worst thing one can do after break up. There is no point. I think it's all done. If she tries to come back again then just tell her to **** off. That's the best thing you can do for yourself.

I'm honestly thinking the same thing.. What took 5+ years to build only took 2 weeks to be destroyed. I don't know what kind of picture she painting her friends but I have a bad name now.

But in a better note, I found a job and it involves me moving away. So I guess I can consider it my first step.

I want to thank anyone that read my post and especially the people that posted themselves. Thank you for helping my through me heart break experience.

[cmacattack1]

Yikes, that escalated pretty quickly didn't it? Yeah, I don't think fighting helped you out either, although it probably felt pretty good at the time. She obviously painted a shitty picture of you to her friends so they could support her and make her feel better and feed her ego. No problems solved there and she obviously has no desire to grow from your relationship.

That's a tough position to be in. The run in. I remember I ran into my ex a week after she personally told me she was with a new guy (and how awesome he is to rub it in), and she was with said guy. I was so in shock I froze up, she caught me glancing over at them a couple times, and I just ignored her the whole night.

I don't know if that was a good thing or a bad thing but I'm guessing bad because I looked upset and scared to talk to them or maybe I looked like I was trying to give them space. The consequences are more than likely meaningless because we aren't together anymore and getting back together isn't my goal (I want to be starting a new relationship). Either way you want to be confident when you are with her and not intimidated. At least you tried to see her before her guy tried to get tough with you. She probably fed him the same bullshit she fed her friends, and a guy like that is going to fizzle out with her or he will get sick of her shit after he sees her for what it is.

I wouldn't be too worried about this. You got to see a glimpse of the complete package though and even though you love her, you know you can't be with this person. Just sucks being in the same area and having that possibility of the run in. Don't be afraid to live your life. I just hope it won't have you cross paths so soon.

See how you feel a year from now or maybe later, and if you still care let her know. You know you don't need her to be happy but if you want her still, that's another story.