Please help!!!! Want ex back (details inside)

[808]

So me and my ex were together for about a year. We met in high school and dated into college. She was always crazy about me. We go to the same university, and for the first semester things were going really well. We then began to get in little fights. She couldn't handle it and we went on a break. I got visibly upset about this and we argued about it a lot. This pushed her even further away. It's been a few weeks since then and we still talk a lot, sometimes I get very emotional though. She says she wants to be "friends" but occasionally we still hookup. I'm in love with her but she says that she doesn't feel the same way anymore. She's talking to another kid who she met through a friend. He doesn't go here but visits sometimes... but he is transferring here next semester (wtf!). I want her back so badly. We are about to go on month long winter break which could be my final chance. We are GREAT at home and she knows that. We are on good terms but I want her to love me again. How can I make her want to get back with me?

(PS.- I WILL be seeing her a lot over break, I am very good friends with her brother and my group of friends goes to their house everyday)

[lahnnabell]

I don't think you can, dude. More often than not, it is women who attach meaning to sex, but it seems as though the opposite has happened. If she can have sex and be close to you and still not want to be in a serious romantic relationship, then I'm afraid it is your loss.

You may have to sever the ties yourself if you want to move past this. If you want her to even think about missing you, you have to leave her alone. No talking, no calling, no texting, NO HOOKING UP.

[808]

She's not a girl who throws sex around. I was her first and only. I do know what you mean about her missing me though. I have been there for her and i need to stop. I know I've gotta give her a chance to miss me but even when I try (as in not talking to her the whole day), she will just end up texting me late at night on her own. I reply and we talk like we used to (nothing heavy, just about our day). It goes well until somehow the conversation turns to "us".

[lahnnabell]

She may not be throwing it around, but she is certainly not equating it with romance. If she were, then she would be more serious about her relationship/friendship with you. Instead, she's talking to other guys, and sleeping with you on the side. Don't be fooled, she isn't committed.

The conversation will always turn to "us" so long as you guys don't give each other space. Not much has happened between the breakup and now, so naturally you're going to default what you both have in common, the fact that you used to date.

[Konsig]

I was her first and only...
It goes well until somehow the conversation turns to "us".

Don't be fooled, she isn't committed.

Again, lahnabell is correct. The girl probably just wants to date other people... this doesn't mean she doesn't like/love you, but she's just not willing to only have "one and only" for the rest of her life...

[808]

UPDATE: She comes knocking at my door last night, drunk. I let her in and she falls asleep in my bed. I hung out with my roommates for a while then went to bed also. As soon as I get in bed she whispers to me how badly she wants to have sex and starts grinding on me and touching me. I had been drinking also and went along with it. We didn't have sex but after the hookup she got upset and left. I know she was using me and likes this other guy now. We both go home (to the same town) tommorow.

My question is what do I do over this break from school? She will be away from the other guy (probably still texting though) and WE WILL be seeing each other a lot. Should I be loving towards her, kind of ignore her but be a little flirty when I see her, not talk to her, or something else? I do want her back, that is, I want her to want me back.

[lahnnabell]

Why will you be seeing her? Is your town THAT small?

Think of it this way, you know how girls sometimes think that putting out will encourage a guy to be more serious about them? Same thing here. Being affectionate toward her hasn't inspired her to want you back at all. She just stops by when she wants sex.

She's hurt because you turned her down her sex offer. She needs to understand that she can't simply use you in this way. She knows you like her and that's why she thinks that she can do whatever she wants if she offers sex.

If you want to be her play thing, then sure, keep talking to her.

[808]

I will see her when we go home because I will be at her house nearly everyday. Not for her though. Her brother is one of my best friends and my group of friends goes there all the time. If I choose to avoid her I won't be living MY life, I will be letting her rule mine. The thing is, we randomly hookup and afterwards she always says she doesn't want to anymore. I ask "do you enjoy yourself when you are around me, when we aren't talking about us, or our future". She always says yes. I think if I can be good around her without it ever turning to the discussion of us she will remember how we used to be. Thats what i'm going for.

And btw, my town is not small. It's actually the largest (2nd largest?) in the nation. It's just if I avoid her I will also be avoiding my friends.

[lahnnabell]

do you enjoy yourself when you are around me, when we aren't talking about us, or our future

This means that she doesn't want a relationship with you. She is enjoying the sex you two have.

I can see that you are set on figuring this out the hard way though. And hey, maybe it'll work out. But you wanted advice, and I've never seen a situation this one-sided work out for the best. You two want different things right now.

Good luck either way.

[808]

Thanks for your advice. I know I'm taking the hard road, I'm really set on just building that attraction she once had for me. I don't know why I'm putting myself through this but I just feel like it's going to work out. Very good chance I'm wrong but hey, at least I'm healthy and have a pretty easy life.

[cmacattack1]

You say that now.

I hope saying I told you so isn't in our future.

[w3llborn]

yea sorry, you just cant make someone love you again. if her love for you is gone, thats just the way it is. i know it sucks but the only way you can get over her is to stop talking to her and cut all communication. being just "friends" after a long relationship just simply doesnt work.

[Chazza2k]

Think your building yourself up for a huge fall 808, the only way you can tell if she loves you is to walk away and see if she will come back because she misses you and wants to be with you, I suspect you wont do that because you know how it would probably end. At the moment shes just playing you, she's got you where she wants you and when she wants and knows how to keep you in check. Shes not commited to you like you want her to be and by the sounds is looking at others, content with your affection until she meets someone else.

I think if I can be good around her without it ever turning to the discussion of us she will remember how we used to be.

So she can remember how good "US" was by you never ever talking about it or bringing it up and pretending it all didn't happen?

Im sorry your in this situation its tuff, I understand why you have to fight like hell to try to keep it going because of how you feel but I think your arguments are because you want different things? Not talking about it isnt going to help. Its just if shes told you she doesnt love you now I don't think theres a great deal you can do. Your options

1) Walk away by choice and cut her off - If she loves you and misses you she'll come back when you not so easily available. You will keep your own sence of self respect and pride (why be with a girl who doesnt love you back). If she does come back you'll know there something still there for both to work on.

2) Play her game -You try to win her back and get her to love you, She'l toy with you, take you for granted, she knows you'll always be there because she knows how you feel and will use you until shes fed up and wants to try someone new then she'll tell you she wants to be "friends"

Of course theres no guarantees in life and I really do hope I'm wrong on all of it its just in everything I've seen, lived through and read here its not often when someone says "I dont love you anymore" and start seeing other men that they still want to be with an EX.

[808]

ANOTHER UPDATE: Alright so I've been trying to get over her lately and move on. We've been back at home for a few days. My plan was to just let her be and have her miss me. Well... she did. Within ONE DAY of being home she started texting me again, being a little flirty, and being cautious in leading me on but saying "i missed you today". We went on to talk all night and the next night. She asked me to come over to watch a movie, I lied and told her "I can't tomorrow but maybe later" as to not seem "needy". She asked me again the next day and I went. We cuddled and watched a movie and ended up hooking up.

The whole day went well but she got really upset towards the end. She felt bad, saying she was starting to get those feelings for me back but doesn't think she wants to get back because she likes another guy. She said she really had fun with me and would want to keep hanging out over break. I don't think I do that because I need to move on if she isn't giving me a legit chance. I do enjoy hanging out with her and am hoping she will change. After listening to all of your comments I think it's stupid for me to play her game so I'm just going to stop initiating conversations, let her go, and see what happens. Damn, girls suck.

[kai]

Don't fall into her trap. She's trying to have the best of both worlds. Just ignore her and move on. There are far better girls in this world.