The steely exterior ex-GF's put up after a break up

[TimeToGrowUp]

Is it an act?

I am really struggling with this. It's been 3 weeks since it ended and it's like the 4.5 years doesn't matter at all. We see each other at the gym still , but there's no conversation.

Not sure who's familiar with my situation, but it was basically mounting frustration on my ex-'s part that after all that time I still was dragging my feet on the next step, kind of isolating because of other areas that were stressing me out, and missing out on some of her personal/passionate needs.

[michaelarwas]

i know exactly what you mean- its just plain nasty. My girlfriend broke up with me again, after having spent an incredible day together the other day. She saw a completely innocent text on my phone, slapped me, through me out, has spoken to me since, blocked me on facebook, pretty sure is sleeping with other boys. It almost as if they are denying that we ever existed. Makes me so angry, one day shel know what i gave her!

[Primo]

It depends on how long she was frustrated with the relationship and had thought about ending it. If it's something that she's been kicking around for quite awhile, then no, it's not an act, she's defintely done with you. Sounds like that's the case unfortunately.

[TimeToGrowUp]

It depends on how long she was frustrated with the relationship and had thought about ending it. If it's something that she's been kicking around for quite awhile, then no, it's not an act, she's defintely done with you. Sounds like that's the case unfortunately.

It was obviously mounting.

I just can't believe that she didn't approach me directly. Instead she just let it fester. Sometimes we as people just need a good "shaking" - know what I mean? For somebody to just shake the ever-living sh*t out of us and say "wake up, this is what I need are you going to give it or not?"

[Primo]

Some people just have that personality type. They wait patiently and don't say anything, then react in what appears to be a very harsh manner when they've had enough. They have long fuses, but when the fuse burns out, it's out.

Kind of like the Michael Douglas movie Falling Down. Ya, would've been nice if she'd given you a wake up call, but it looks like you got a death sentence. She probably has truly moved on in her heart and mind.

[lahnnabell]

Why should she want to converse with you? You broke up and she is trying to move past it. 4.5 years is a long time, so she probably wants to begin the healing process sooner than later.

I'd be frustrated if my boyfriend did to me what you put her through. However, she probably hasn't yet learned how to be vocal about her needs. Hopefully, she'll learn that nobody can read minds and that she needs to help her guy out.

[TimeToGrowUp]

Why should she want to converse with you? You broke up and she is trying to move past it. 4.5 years is a long time, so she probably wants to begin the healing process sooner than later.

I'm not trying to play the victim. But in my mind this wasn't some 3 month fling. This was 4.5 years ........ 1,602 days ...... I just thought that would be worth more than to just cold turkey. I never beat her. I never abused her. I never cheated. My crime was dragging my feet.

I'd be frustrated if my boyfriend did to me what you put her through. However, she probably hasn't yet learned how to be vocal about her needs. Hopefully, she'll learn that nobody can read minds and that she needs to help her guy out.

I totally and completely understand how you girls would be. That's why I'm so frustrated with myself.....why I made it more difficult than it had to be. Just surprised though. Like you said, nobody reads minds, but if it's really important and it's make or break - say something. How can one just hide in the relationship like that?

[lahnnabell]

I totally agree with you, dude. She needs to learn to talk about the sh*t that bothers her. Example time!

My guy and I were headed to a bar one night with some friends. Good times were to be had. In the car, mid-conversation he mentions how he hopes "girl x" isn't there (a girl he'd gone out with before he and I were official). He was concerned she would be jealous and upset to see him with me (the girl he chose over her). He'd said this a few times before, as they both frequent the same bar, and I'd been silent about my feelings on his his frequently bringing it up. I was trying to be the cool, easy-going girlfriend that didn't let such trivialities bother her, but I realized I was lying to myself if I didn't admit that it bothered me a bit. Finally, that night, I decided I needed to say something as I realized he didn't understand how it made me feel.

I told him, "Y'know, I understand you don't want to upset her, and that's sweet of you, but you need to understand that it makes me insecure when you bring it up so much. I don't know this girl, so I'm really not concerned with how she takes the knowledge that you're with someone else. All I know is I'm proud to be your girlfriend, and I want you to be proud of me. If you're really concerned about it, then let's go to another bar." He quickly backtracked and apologized that he'd been adding to my insecurity and agreed not to bring it up anymore. Had I kept silent, it would've only caused long-term resentment and anger.

And a note on her cold turkey approach, it really does no good to still try and make nice with an ex, no matter how long you dated. Her talking to you will most likely only fuel your desire to try to work things out with her. Sounds like she just wants to get the show on the road and not linger. It sucks, but it'll get easier and you'll be glad she severed the ties instead of leaving you hanging onto false hopes.

[TimeToGrowUp]

And a note on her cold turkey approach, it really does no good to still try and make nice with an ex, no matter how long you dated. Her talking to you will most likely only fuel your desire to try to work things out with her. Sounds like she just wants to get the show on the road and not linger. It sucks, but it'll get easier and you'll be glad she severed the ties instead of leaving you hanging onto false hopes.

I just find this paradox so hard to deal with in relationships. I remember I stayed single for a long time because of how much I hated that aspect of it. It's so strange how you can be in love and spend all that time ........then it's just gone. Disappears. Vacated.

[lahnnabell]

She may just know herself well-enough. Perhaps she just knows that any contact she maintains with you will only leave her wanting more. She may have been through this before and it probably burned her. Instead of making the same mistake again, she could be trying to do right by herself and help herself move on. Now that she is no longer your girlfriend, you really don't get any say in how she decides to handle her sh*t. She felt neglected by you, and though she kind of blind-sided you with the break up, she's doing what she needs to feel okay.

It sucks that you have to suffer for it, but I'm sure she kind of feels like you deserve it.

[TimeToGrowUp]

She may just know herself well-enough. Perhaps she just knows that any contact she maintains with you will only leave her wanting more. She may have been through this before and it probably burned her. Instead of making the same mistake again, she could be trying to do right by herself and help herself move on. Now that she is no longer your girlfriend, you really don't get any say in how she decides to handle her sh*t. She felt neglected by you, and though she kind of blind-sided you with the break up, she's doing what she needs to feel okay.

It sucks that you have to suffer for it, but I'm sure she kind of feels like you deserve it.

Sigh. I'm sure she does.

[cmacattack1]

It doesn't just dissappear. She's been thinking about it for a while. And while yeah, you didn't perform any of the cardinal sins (beating, cheating), I wouldn't pat yourself on the back for that. I thought so too at first, how could I be a bad guy if I didn't do those? It's like that Chris Rock skit, where he talks about how parents are like "Well, I feed my kids."
YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO FEED YOUR KIDS. Or in this case, you are supposed to not cheat, beat, lie, etc.

Most girls will let it accumulate. They think that by letting it slide, you'll eventually change for her liking, things will get better and you won't throw your love away. They don't want to seem bitchy, or needy, and they just hold it in. That's why break ups can get ugly, too much anger festering and lots of hurt feelings. Just like for you, it's a learning process they have to go through after being hurt enough times.

[lahnnabell]

It doesn't just dissappear. She's been thinking about it for a while. And while yeah, you didn't perform any of the cardinal sins (beating, cheating), I wouldn't pat yourself on the back for that. I thought so too at first, how could I be a bad guy if I didn't do those? It's like that Chris Rock skit, where he talks about how parents are like "Well, I feed my kids."
YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO FEED YOUR KIDS. Or in this case, you are supposed to not cheat, beat, lie, etc.

Most girls will let it accumulate. They think that by letting it slide, you'll eventually change for her liking, things will get better and you won't throw your love away. They don't want to seem bitchy, or needy, and they just hold it in. That's why break ups can get ugly, too much anger festering and lots of hurt feelings. Just like for you, it's a learning process they have to go through after being hurt enough times.

You know, man, you're gonna be a great guy for the next girl that catches your eye. You've learned a lot in a short amount of time. I truly commend you.

[cmacattack1]

You know, man, you're gonna be a great guy for the next girl that catches your eye. You've learned a lot in a short amount of time. I truly commend you.

Yeah well ol' cement head here had to learn it the hard way and lose something really important before any lesson hit home. Too bad for the both of us she'll never get to know that.

I really owe alot to you and lhn. You guys have helped me out more than I could ever really thank you for. I want to kiss you and even after I take a beating from your baseball bat swinging boyfriend, I'd still be happy. That's how much you helped me.

I hope a thanks for the post thumbs up will do in the meantime.

[lahnnabell]

No lesson ever worth learning comes easily!! And you are most welcome! My guy is playing MW2 and keeping my feet warm as I sit and type away on the computer. He kinda shakes his head at why I like this forum so much, but it's appreciation like yours that makes it worthwhile. I promised him I'd play a few Free-For-All rounds with him. I suppose I should take a posting break, reload my SCAR, and attempt to kick his ass again.

I am SOOO close to beating him finally. My aim has gotten way better. The red dot scope certainly helps too.