Tough Situation, don't know what I should do and need some advice.

[atlindistress]

So, here's the long story short version.

I'm married. A year ago almost I met a girl in Vegas and we hooked up. Long story short, my wife somewhat left me and moved back with her mother. She didn't know about the relationship. I have two kids with her. I haven't filed for divorce, and neither has she. I live 800 miles away, and she lives with her mother but our intent was to fix our marriage and I don't think it will work, nor do I know if I love her. I live alone in an Apt, she went wit the kids to her mothers. Its been this way for like 5 months.

A year later, I am still with this girl I've been seeing that I met in Vegas. She loves me she tells me. I never "thought" about love because of my current situation, but she pretty much lives with me. She DID know I was married, but was unaware of my situation in respects to weather I was getting a divorce or not. We kinda left my issue of being married as a no-topic when it came to discussions.

Then, the other night out of nowhere, she found naked pictures of my wife taken a LONG time ago. I'm talking years. And, of course she freaked out. We got in a fight, and she hit me. Now, I don't play that game (the hitting thing.) I also don't play the "snooping" game. Come to find out, I bought a new computer, and restored the new computer off a old computers image stored on a external drive. I sync'd my iPhone, and didn't even know they were there. After an hour fight, she left. Actually, I was so pissed I told her to get out and never come back.

Well, she somehow got my password to unlock my phone, and found the pics on my iPhone. I honestly didn't know they were even there. What upset me is that she was snooping through my stuff.

This was all about 4 days ago. After a couple text messages, we said the "goodbye, wish you luck, and never call or contact me again."

Tonight I sit here, thinking I actually do love her, and I don't know what to do. I sent her a "are you ok" text message, and no response. Really, I don't know what to do. Half of me wants to go to her house, the other half thinks I'm better off letting her go and hopefully she can be happy.

What are your thoughts....

[lahnnabell]

This situation sounds doomed. You have kids with your not-yet-ex-wife, and your main concern is whether or not some trashy girl you met in Vegas is still in love with you? (She knows you were married, this makes her trashy).

She gave up her right to be upset about anything you do after she helped you cheat on your wife, then subsequently agreeing to move in with you once your wife was gone. She was snooping because she probably remembered that uh... you cheated! So she was probably wondering if you'd do it to her. Well, sucks for both of you.

I have no sympathy for your situation. I really think you should be focusing on getting your life together, filing for divorce, of whatever. You've spent long enough in this little fantasy world of yours. Agreed?

[atlindistress]

This situation sounds doomed. You have kids with your not-yet-ex-wife, and your main concern is whether or not some trashy girl you met in Vegas is still in love with you? (She knows you were married, this makes her trashy).

She gave up her right to be upset about anything you do after she helped you cheat on your wife, then subsequently agreeing to move in with you once your wife was gone. She was snooping because she probably remembered that uh... you cheated! So she was probably wondering if you'd do it to her. Well, sucks for both of you.

I have no sympathy for your situation. I really think you should be focusing on getting your life together, filing for divorce, of whatever. You've spent long enough in this little fantasy world of yours. Agreed?

That's the problem. This has been somewhat a fantasy, however she didn't live with me in respects to her stuff being at my place. More like she had her own place, but spent every night, and i mean every night at my place. Granted, she knew I was married the first time I met her. We have been together for almost 11 months, 5 of which she pretty much lived with me. We get along great (can't say that for me and the wife.) I think the reason I didn't file for divorce is because of the kids. Today I sit here, alone, wondering what mistakes I made. I knew I was unhappy with my marriage, and its been that way for years. "Cheating" was bound to happen.

My problem is that I was actually happy with this girl. She went out of her way the last 11 months to make me happy, and I literally can see myself with her for the rest of my life. I have no complaints in our relationship.

The not getting divorced part is my fault. My wife lives 800 miles away, and its been that way for 5 months. I think I'm scared that I will lose my kids and that is why I didn't act on getting a divorced, and at the same time my wife wants to get back together. She wants to move back and be with me.

I truly don't know what I should be doing. My problem is that instead of thinking about my wife, I'm only thinking about this girl, and my kids. That's why I'm wondering what I should do. I'm in complete agony of this girl, and I kinda wrote off my marriage a long time ago.

[atlindistress]

And in respects to her being trash for hooking up with a man she knew was married, its also my fault at the same time. I never said no. Not once. The whole "what happens in vegas" is a bunch of crap, because it did come home with me.

No matter what, I will ALWAYS take care of my kids, and make sure they are happy. However, it is also hard to do from 800 miles away.

My problem is that I may or may not be in love with this girl. I truly never thought about our relationship that way. Now that she's gone, i'm hurting, and I think it because I do love her, however never acted on it because I'm still married.

[lahnnabell]

Well, sounds like sh*t with your wife is over and done with. Your feelings for her are basically non-existent and you are now hung up on this other chick.

Staying in limbo because you are afraid of losing your kids is not the best idea. A strong, self-respecting woman isn't going to get/stay involved with a guy who clearly doesn't have it together. You've spent the last year in this little dream world, using Vegas-girl to escape from your responsibilities as a man, husband, and parent.

You claim to love this girl, but gave her no reassurances of your affections until now. Right? She spent so much time doing things to make you happy, and yet you refused to discuss your very obvious marriage issues. If this girl is gonna stay with/come back to you, then you need to let her in. Like, really. Don't enjoy the positives of having a loving female around, but then keep her at arm's length because you have issues you don't want to face.

You know what you need to do. You just don't want to do it because it's difficult.

[atlindistress]

Well, sounds like sh*t with your wife is over and done with. Your feelings for her are basically non-existent and you are now hung up on this other chick.

Staying in limbo because you are afraid of losing your kids is not the best idea. A strong, self-respecting woman isn't going to get/stay involved with a guy who clearly doesn't have it together. You've spent the last year in this little dream world, using Vegas-girl to escape from your responsibilities as a man, husband, and parent.

You claim to love this girl, but gave her no reassurances of your affections until now. Right? She spent so much time doing things to make you happy, and yet you refused to discuss your very obvious marriage issues. If this girl is gonna stay with/come back to you, then you need to let her in. Like, really. Don't enjoy the positives of having a loving female around, but then keep her at arm's length because you have issues you don't want to face.

You know what you need to do. You just don't want to do it because it's difficult.

But I don't know what to do, I truly don't. I'm half tempted to go to her house, and the other half says don't involve her in your mess, let her go and hopefully she will be happy one day.

I think I can "let her in" however I've been "numb" for a while now. I think that the writing was on the wall years ago, however I don't know how the right way to act on this is. Divorce only scares me in respects to the kids. I love my kids, but having to get on a plane to see them isn't the easiest thing to deal with. Plus, I really feel bad for my kids because ALL of this is my fault. It really is. I could have said no, but I never did.

Think I should just let the Vegas girl go... and hopefully she can be happy, or you think I should circle around, go see her (regardless of her ignoring me attempts to reopen the door to discussion?) I'm debating if I am right for her at this point. She's never been married, no commitments. I'm 32, she's 26.

[lahnnabell]

Sorry, I was a bit vague. By "handle your sh*t" I mean the people who have priority, which are your wife and kids. Get the divorce if you want out. How can your kids come first if you can't even make a move to go and see them? You need to bite the bullet.

I think the only reason you are feeling sore is because you are finally left alone with your own BS. No dream girl to take your mind off your problems, no one else to blame.

[atlindistress]

Sorry, I was a bit vague. By "handle your sh*t" I mean the people who have priority, which are your wife and kids. Get the divorce if you want out. How can your kids come first if you can't even make a move to go and see them? You need to bite the bullet.

I think the only reason you are feeling sore is because you are finally left alone with your own BS. No dream girl to take your mind off your problems, no one else to blame.

I agree. However, my wife will come back tomorrow if that's what I want. I'm just not sure if that's what i want, or if I should go after Vegas girl.

I have no issue admitting I'm the idiot here. I did this, all of it. I just don't know what the hell to do now. I don't know if I should go back after Vegas girl, let her go and be single, get back with the wife, etc.

I do see my kids. I've flown there 5 times in 5 months and every time for at least 5 days. Its not that I can't get on a plane, its that it is difficult to be part of their lives from 800 miles away. If I were to get divorced, I know for a fact she wouldn't come back to this state. I would have to fly there to see my kids.

[atlindistress]

Although I kinda know my marriage is over, the question comes down to should I even bother with Vegas girl, or is the relationship with her so "polluted" with MY B.S. that I'm better off letting her go.

[atlindistress]

And I'm also wondering if her non-response to my text messages is a "get a clue don't ever call me again" or if its a way for her to make a "power move" over what our relationship was. SHE said she loved me. It could be that she doesn't know what love actually means, or it could be that she wants nothing to do with me. I don't know if I should just leave her alone, or if I should keep trying to reach out to her and see if we can resolve the issues.

[lahnnabell]

Well, no one can give you specific written instructions on what to do. You have to want to make these changes in your life.

I can't tell you what her non-text meant, because I am not in her head. If you want her back, then try and get her back. I really don't think you want this girl so much as you want company to keep you from feeling lonely and bad about the poor decisions you've made in the last year. As I said before, this girl's presence in your life shrouded your sense of responsibility and you avoided certain responsibilities (like the obligation to your still existing marriage) for a whole year.

Do whatever the f*ck you want. Your relationships, with your family and Vegas girl, are all completely polluted thanks to your BS, yes. Now you need to decide if it is worth it to YOU to fix them. It's your call. Part of your problem is exactly this, you lack a backbone.

[lhn]

atlindistress...

Leave the Vegas girl for the minute... if anything, NC will help that relationship if it is to ever be existent again.

Secondly, you have more pressing issues. Marriage. You're not divorced because your wife still loves u and wants to be with you. I can't imagine the state she must be in. Being married to the man she loves but he is with someone else... jesus!!!

Sort your marriage. Stop bailing out on the second most important commitment in your life. Time to stop running and start doing something to resolve your problems. If you love your wife or treasure what you used to have, then grow a pair and go and meet her. Have a coffee together and see how it feels. How great would it be if your marriage worked and you could be a family.

However, under no circumstances lead your wife on. If nothing is happening for you and nothing ever will then you need to get your butt to an attorney and file for divorce.

Vegas girl isn't as important as your bigger issues. Despite you having feelings for her.

[shheadz]

All other issues aside, Vegas girl is just p*ssed off. Give her a week or two to cool off before you try talking to her again. Women have amazing powers to give the silent treatment when they're mad. It's just crazy.

[Gigabitch]

I don't see how you could lose your kids any more than you've already lost them. Why your wife still loves you, I can't imagine. You're an incredibly selfish man.