Stay with my wife or go?

[Overcominglove]

I have been married 18 years. I have 2 wonderful children that I love and cherish deeply. My wife has had an affair in the past but states she did not love this guy. I would be devasted if my family fell apart. I think I could learn to love my wife. However, I am in love with an old finace and she loves me too. The old fiance states I am the love of her life. She states she broke up with me because she was raped while we were together. The old fiance is also married. What would you do?

[jiggsaw]

I would tell you that the grass is not always greener on the other side.

[lilly1185]

If she was raped she was a dolt for not telling you and seeking therapy. Your "love" for the ex I think is you projecting your white knight fantasies on her after you effed up your marriage.

I also don't understand why you married her if you need to "learn to love her". Where did these kids come from?

[jiggsaw]

I think he meant learn to love her again. She had an affair.

[jiggsaw]

In my honest opinion.. I think you should stay with your wife. The old fiance is infatuation. You're still trying to get over what your wife did, which is why you're feeling this way.

[Overcominglove]

I was always in love with my ex fiance. However, I believe I can learn to love my wife for my children's sake. The children are a product of my marriage.

[lilly1185]

I was always in love with my ex fiance. However, I believe I can learn to love my wife for my children's sake. The children are a product of my marriage.

But WHY did you GET MARRIED and HAVE KIDS if you were in love with someone else? There is a deeper issue here. Seek marriage counseling.

[jiggsaw]

Here's a little story. I left my fiance back in May. We were together 5 years. I hurt her really bad. I fell in "love" with this girl at work. Me and the girl at work were just friends at first. In september we were hanging out, doing things together, and being intimate. By the end of october we made it official. Around that time, my ex-fiance found someone. A month later the girl I thought I "loved" broke up with me. Now I just feel hurt, confused, lost, depressed, etc. So many thoughts run through my head. Is this karma? Was my fiance really the "one" and now I lost her forever? Did this other girl really love me at all? etc. See.... back in May it felt like I had to choose between 2 girls I thought I loved. Now I have no one and left to deal with the choices I have made. Believe me, this is not a good feeling. I feel very lost and don't know which way to go.

[jiggsaw]

+1 for marriage counseling

[lilly1185]

Here's a little story. I left my fiance back in May. We were together 5 years. I hurt her really bad. I fell in "love" with this girl at work. Me and the girl at work were just friends at first. In september we were hanging out, doing things together, and being intimate. By the end of october we made it official. Around that time, my ex-fiance found someone. A month later the girl I thought I "loved" broke up with me. Now I just feel hurt, confused, lost, depressed, etc. So many thoughts run through my head. Is this karma? Was my fiance really the "one" and now I lost her forever? Did this other girl really love me at all? etc. See.... back in May it felt like I had to choose between 2 girls I thought I loved. Now I have no one and left to deal with the choices I have made. Believe me, this is not a good feeling. I feel very lost and don't know which way to go.

THAT is a lesson learned the hard way.
You were probably having issues with your fiance you didn't feel like putting the energy to pick apart. You were having a hard time choosing between longetivity and that new-relationship smell.

I think you need time to grieve, realise the mistake you made and move on.

[jiggsaw]

Yeah... lesson learned the hard way. Exactly. I'm grieving right now but I know with time I'll be ok. How much time? Who knows.

[Overcominglove]

Would you start over without any woman?

[jiggsaw]

I would do the marriage counseling first, just to see where you both stand. In my current situation, I just want a friend right now. I'm too hurt to start anything right now. The problem is I don't want to be alone but I need to be alone. I've never been alone and don't know how to deal with it. I've always had a girlfriend since I was 14. Me and my child's mother lived together from when I was 17 until 22. Then we split. Had my baby when I was 20. After that breakup... met my fiance 6 months later and we were in a relationship and lived together for 5 years. Now I'm 28... and this is the first time I've truly been a bachelor. I feel like I did everything backward. Now I feel lonely... even though it might not really be lonliness. Just that I haven't really experienced being alone.

So I don't your entire situation, but you loved her enough to marry her. That is a commitment and something you don't want to throw away without working at it. Right now, I have a 7 year old daughter who lives in another state. Ruined a relationship that could've been worked on for one that didn't last. I "WISH" I had a family. Everytime I see a happy family, whether in person or tv... it makes me tear up. That's what I want and probably could have had. Don't destroy yours without trying. You will regret it.

[Gigabitch]

You have to keep trying at your marriage until there's no hope left. This isn't just about you and your wife- it's your whole family. Protect it if at all possible.

If it just doesn't work, THEN you walk away and your ex can make her own decisions. understand that you'll potentially be destroying two families, so don't do anything rash.