This is going to be pretty long, but I really need some advice right now, so please bear with me.
I have been seeing the same girl on and off for the past 6 years or so. Even before we started dating, we were best friends, so we have had a very long relationship and we have really cared about each other for a long time. After being on and off for the first 3 years, we broke up for a solid year because we were moving to different places. During that year, I basically became a jerk. I partied, I slept around, I basically did whatever I wanted and though only about myself. Eventually she moved closer to where I was, and we got back together.
I was still in a very self-centered place. I had gotten used to the sleeping around and getting a lot of sex, so when we got back together, I made no secret of what I wanted from her. I made her feel pressured to have sex all the time, regardless of how she was feeling. I didn’t really notice if she was feeling tired or stressed or just not into it, I just asked for sex almost every day. I will clarify that I never physically made her do anything, I never threatened her, or did anything outright abusive. Regardless, I did come on to her a lot and I did speak openly about how I thought of sex as the most important part of a relationship. She is a very selfless person, and she has a hard time standing up and saying what she wants if she thinks someone else doesn’t want it, so she never said no. I was too wrapped up in myself to notice the hints that she didn’t always want to do it.
It took almost a year for her to get so fed up hoping I would just notice what I was doing and change, but she eventually told me that I was hurting her, and she couldn’t handle the constant pressure and it was making sex a bad experience for her. I was honestly shocked. I hadn’t noticed any of the signs, and I had just thought she was as into it as I was. When I realized the emotional damage I had done, I realized I had to change. It was a difficult process dragging myself out of the dark place I had been in, but I promised her that I was a better person than that, and I started going to therapy and revaluating my outlook on life.
I still regret what I did, it was probably the worst thing I’ve ever done. I started being a better person, being more selfless, paying attention to the wants and needs of others. I remembered that she was my best friend, and I knew I didn’t want to lose her. I stopped bringing up the topic of sex, letting her bring it up if she wanted to do it. I told her I only wanted to if she really wanted to. I tried never to pressure her, to reassure her when she was feeling pressured, and I tried all the time to remind her I wasn’t that same person anymore. She definitely believes that I’ve changed out she wouldn’t be with me anymore, but she felt so much pressure to have sex for so long that she still feels it a lot of the time. It’s still a very touchy subject, even almost year later, because she still thinks that I must want sex all the time, and I’m just covering it up.
She keeps saying that she wants me to prove to her that value her more than I value sex. I had thought that by backing off the subject, and letting her bring it up, and reassuring her that it was ok for her to not be in the mood, she would know that I cared more about being with her than getting sex all the time. I love her so much, and I feel so terrible for what I did, and all I try all the time to make up for it, but I know she’s looking for me to do something more to really show her that I don’t think the same way I used to. I know that I care more about her, and I know I don’t take her for granted anymore, and I keep trying to prove to her that I value her more than sex, but I’m running out of ideas of how to show her once and for all. If anyone reads this and can think of what they would need to see from a guy to show you that he really cared about you, and he valued you more than sex, and he had really changed, I’m all ears. I’ve really worked hard at being a better person, and I think I may just be too close to all of this and frustrated with trying to prove myself to think of what I she wants me to do. This is the most important person in my life, so I would do whatever I had to do if I could only think of what it was.
Thanks you for taking the time to read that, and I would appreciate it so much if you could really help me. Please don’t respond calling me an jerk or anything, because believe me, I know what I was and I feel more than bad enough about it, and it’s pretty hard to admit it, even anonymously.