I love her. She loves me. She wants to play around

[Philetus]

I don't know how common this is becoming but here's the deal as succinctly as possible.

About a week ago, my wife informed me that she loved me, but was not 'in love' with me. We've been married for 20 monogamous (honestly) years and have two kids. As many couples, we focused on things other than our marriage. We didn't work it and have drifted apart. For this, I take 90% of the blame. I was a blind fool. I'd take 100% of the blame but my wife could have told me point blank she was unhappy but she tried to deal with it herself.

What drove her to deal with this last week is that she has a dance teacher whom she has been casually flirting with. Well, he turned around and asked her out point blank and she, surprised, agreed. She immediately came home and told me. She is wracked with all kinds of negative feelings and conflict between her head and her heart.

I agreed to let her go because she promised to tell him that no matter what, she would not do anything with him until she and I dealt with things. That's exactly what she did.

I took steps to immediately address her needs, not just in the short term, but moving forward indefinitely.

We spent this past weekend together and had a great time together, doing activities that we enjoy, we laughed, we talked, it was great.... until....

Last night, she announces that she has so much stress that she has to write about what's going on right now and leaves the room. (For the record, she's dropped a lot of weight quickly and has developed physical issues - her menstrual cycle is off and has a follow up with her doctor this week.)

In her letter, she hits me with this proposal....

She wants us to live together. Monday thru Saturday, we are basically roommates. Due to work, hobbies, our home, kids homework, we don't spend quality time together during the week anyway. Saturdays are usually full of groceries and other errands we have to do.

On Friday nights, she wants to be free to begin a sexual relationship with this man. A man she says that she has little in common with other than a physical attraction.

On Sundays, we would spend the entire day together from sun up to sun down. We would continue all the activities we love to do together and then we have sex at the end of the day.

Today she ordered a copy of "The Ethical Slut" and it looks like this is the kind of lifestyle she wants.

Today, I issued her three options. The option I want to choose depends on whether - she thinks we can reconcile at all, how she will react when I have sex with other women, how likely is it that she fall in love with his guy and leave me anyway, and does she actually love me or is this 'Sunday' marriage thing just to let her stay in the house and avoid divorce.

The options are...
- we try her proposal with a professional to help us set it up.

- we effectively separate but live together (we're currently in the middle of major home renovations and we can't afford for her to move out and selling our house isn't an option).

- we separate and she moves out and we deal with possible bankruptcy.

Here is my questions....

Am I insane for even CONSIDERING her proposal? I haven't read the "Ethical Slut" but she ordered it this morning.

Am I just opening myself up to an incredible world of hurt by entertaining this and should I just take control of my emotions and end it right now?

Oh, we are seeing a counselor but not until Wednesday.

Thanks!

[Chupacabras]

If she starts banging another dude, it's all over, there's no reconciliation. If you want to try to live together to cover bills so you don't bankrupt I understand that but all these "plans" are BS ways for her to feel better while getting some strange.

IOW's, separate. I had a friend that tried living with her while separated and he was the most miserable creature ever. Try it, but don't think you'll enjoy it.

[qwertz]

Your mad for even considering it.
What will her ****ing around achieve? she will be sexually satsified and thats it.

It will cause more problems than it will fix.

[CAM]

The title says it all, tells all. Ditch her, now. She's crazy. "The Ethical Slut" ? Non sequitur.

[Gigabitch]

I agreed to let her go because she promised to tell him that no matter what, she would not do anything with him until she and I dealt with things.

...and that's where you should have taken that left turn at Albuquerque. It's too bad you didn't come here BEFORE you told her that- I would have tried to stop you.

Here's the translation of your conversation, as I see it:

Her: I feel old as dirt and some sleaze with no respect for my marriage just offered me his dick. I'm flattered and very confused. Can I go?

You: Sure. I don't give a shit.

Her: Bla bla bla

You: Bla bla bla


Nothing else matters after you told her to go. That was a big mistake. Huge! Tell her you changed your mind. Tell her you lied. Tell her NEVER to see that guy again. and for good measure, call him up and threaten his balls.

[Perryville]

Phil, this is a recipe for disaster. It will not bring you back together, how is her having sex with someone else going to do that? She is lying to herself as well as you.

[Chupacabras]

The fact that she said yes and then told him about it made me think she wasn't really asking for permission, Giga.

Frankly, all those plans and schemes to accommodate her needs leave me with a bad taste in my mouth.

[Philetus]

Thanks everyone.

I can see how 'accommodating' could just be a translation for 'weak' or 'I don't care'.

It's time for a more hardassed approach. One that recognizes that I need to take control of this situation. I wrote this letter (summarized). Any comments? I haven't given it to her yet.


- I'm 100% committed to fixing our relationship and working with you through therapy.

- if we can't make it work, we move on.

- I won't accept 'open relationship'

- I've made changes to work to be home more for our CHILDREN and to be available for you. Also, I've taken steps to move on with my life romantically if you leave.

- I'm not the only one to blame for the way our marriage wound up.

- If you can't commit to working on this and MUST see this man, pack your bags and leave. Tell your kids what you're doing. We will sell our house. Our relationship is irrevocably over and I will look for someone else to be a life partner. I will pursue a divorce.

- Until such time as you move out and/or see this man, I will go to therapy, spend quality time working out our relationship, give you as much space as you need to think clearly, change sleeping arrangements. Basically, anything you need except sex with this dude.

- Finally, if you're goal is to have sex with this man and keep your life together (that is, not damage relationship with children, not get thrown out of your house). Then the best approach is to work with me FIRST. If we cannot solve our differences, we split amicably and THEN you have your affair. If this passion is strong, it will endure, you have nothing to gain and everything to lose by acting on this BEFORE dealing with 'us'.

[Gigabitch]

Also, I've taken steps to move on with my life romantically if you leave.

I would remove this part. it undermines the strong statement you open up with about being 100% committed. It's another mixed message, just like telling her it was okay of she went out with that guy.

[Perryville]

Gig is too right. Just tell her that if she sleeps with this guy, it's over, and no going back.

[Philetus]

Done!

Thanks.

[davidtorres]

dude, wheres your balls? dont make your girl walk all over you.

[Philetus]

dude, wheres your balls? dont make your girl walk all over you.

If this were some girl I'd been seeing for a few months, I'd agree.

But, this is a woman I've had a 20 year relationship with. She's the mother of my two children. This problem is also due to my shortcomings. If I'd been a more attentive husband, her eye wouldn't have wondered in the first place, so I'm not blameless.

She is also severely ill due to the stress that this is causing her.

It's hard to change your mindset to go on offense rather than defense.

[Gigabitch]

May I recommend Dr. Steven Hardy? His marriagebuilders site is really informative, and will give you stuff we can't provide.

[Philetus]

May I recommend Dr. Steven Hardy? His marriagebuilders site is really informative, and will give you stuff we can't provide.

Thank you.