Broke up with GF of 4 years.

[sorekaze]

Sorry for the length, but please bear with me, and try to help me out. I have made many, many mistakes, and I'd give anything to make her happy. First off, I met this girl in High School, it started off as a mutual crush that we turned into a relationship on her 16th birthday. We took the relationship extremely slow, since it was both of our first real relationships, and since I was her first boyfriend. We really got to know each other and became inseparable, we used to celebrate "random day" where we'd bring little handmade presents and notes for each other, we'd write poems to tell the other person how much we love them. Unfortunately, I hate being away from her so much, I just want to spend as much time with her as possible, so being alone is terrible. She understood this, and it was never a problem because she always wanted to see me just as much. I don't know what happened, but somewhere along the line we got into some stupid fight, and it was as if we'd stopped being such good friends... I began to act really jealous when she would pay people more attention than she did to me, and I'd insist that she broke contact with them. It sounds terrible.. and it is, I was way too controlling. I was such a selfish, little kid... but my heart was always in the right place. I always wanted it to just be me and her through everything. And we were still so happy together despite the mistakes.
Unfortunately, every so often, we'd fight about something dumb, usually entirely my fault, and she'd tell me how she doesn't want to go out with me unless I change, and I always told her I'd try. But it was completely half-assed and I completely glazed over it basically. After these fights things would always start off fine, and then they'd become amazing, and then a fight would happen again, because I didn't even try to change. This happened maybe 3-4 times throughout our 4 year relationship. Two weeks ago, we got into a small fight, and she left kind of upset. I vowed to myself that I'd never take her for granted ever again, and that I'd grow up and get over my childish issues. The next day she acted like everything was fine... but then suddenly she told me she didn't want to go out anymore, and that she meant it this time, she was fed up with me.
I completely understand why she feels that way, and I don't deserve a second chance after all of the ones I just blew off in the past. But losing her has made me realize that I can't be selfish, I can't be jealous, I can't expect to hold on to something I can't be friends with. Regardless we have always, and still are, best friends because of how close of a bond we have. She told me that she wants to get over me, and that she can't have these feelings anymore, because it will not work. To help herself get over me, she has been making new friends to fill/mask the void.
Being completely honest, I no longer have the jealousy issues I once had, and I just want to show her that I can make her genuinely happy in the relationship and that I trust her with my life now. I understand that I made so many mistakes, and that she was kind enough to wait for me to change, but it took so much for the change to happen.. and it's all my fault. I don't want to treat her like that anymore, I just want to hold her in my arms again and protect her. I really ****ed this one up... we had planned on marrying and growing together. I did everything with this girl. I have already been through my "being clingy and depressed" stage, if I seem desperate she will never want to come back.. but even so... I feel like she's slipping away. I know that I don't deserve it at all, but I know I changed for her, and I know that I would do anything to make this work. I don't know what to do to show her that she doesn't have to give up on me just yet... and that we can be perfect again just like we used to be. I sincerely hope that giving her space will help her to realize how much she misses me.. even though we had our share of fights, we were still so in love. I know she still loves me, and I know the feelings are still there... but I don't know how to get her to trust that I'm a new person. I need help... I know it's so late for the change.. and I'm so sorry to her that it took this much, but I just wish she'd give the real me a try before giving up completely on this. We both put so much into the relationship, and all of our happiest moments are shared together. I pray to god that me and her were meant to be, and that I didn't mess this up beyond repair.. I know, from the bottom of my heart, that I can make her happy and be the change she wanted.
Is there a best way to approach this situation..? A way to maximize the odds of her giving this retard one last attempt..?

[lhn]

One of the realisations after being heartbroken is 'how you should have been' and how much you took them for granted.
There is no solution or simple answer in trying to get something to work again. The thing is, after a certain amount of time you realise that things have gone too far and can't work like they did before. No matter how much you wish for the good old days.

I think you need to leave her alone. If she comes back to you then thats great. Otherwise, leaving her alone will help you move on despite not wanting to!

goodluck and sorry to hear about your situation. A lot of us on here have been through it. Its horrible and I'm still going through mine, just a little further down the line.

[sorekaze]

Yea, I understand that. It's more of the fact that it was possible for me to just.. give her what she wanted, but I failed. Only until this major meltdown was I able to realize how much I trust her. Should I have confidence that she wants to be friends? Is it possible for women to want to be best friends with their ex-loves of 4 years? I'm hoping it's like this because she still has feelings... But I honestly don't want to maintain NC. We've always been there for each other, but she's getting through this without me, and it hurts.

[lhn]

Well, I was hoping to be friends with my ex. She was my rock and I couldn't understand why, once out of our relationship, we couldn't just go back to being mates like before.

Tbh, it really just doesn't work. What happens when she gets with another guy. Thats not a question because I know the answer... U die inside.

I wanted nothing more but for my ex to still be a part of my life in some way but you slowly and painfully realise that people most the time, don't split with someone and think to themselves 'u know what, I really really hope we can be best mates still'. They just don't

[sorekaze]

I guess you're right... Maybe taking her to Salem on Sunday and having a serious talk about us will be for the better. We can figure out where we go from there.

[lhn]

Just make sure you tell her that you understand and want the best for BOTH of you. That you would love to start over.

Then, most importantly, move the conversation on to other unrelated topics. Do not spend your whole time thinking 'should i tell her this and that'. Cos you will just end up spilling the beans and she wont appreciate the pressure.

Play it cool. Be happy and hope.

[Chazza2k]

sorekaze, sorry your going through this I know how tough it is. I think people only learn lessons when the relationship ends and unfortunatley its usually way too late by that time. Beating yourself up over mistakes that you made is very natural, but you got to be careful how much you start to focus on it as it can become really unhealthy.

I think its best you give her the time and space she wants and really focus on yourself and how you can make you better and learn the lessons you need too. If she has any feelings for you she will come back to you. Pushing, pleeding Txting, emailings, IM messages and begging all that does is push her away! So many of us learned that the hard way! Like lots on this forum many of us have discovered how we acted contributed to the failure of the relationship or in some cases actually caused it, through missing the signs or focus just been taken off what it should have been on. The best we can do is learn to never make them again.

We've always been there for each other, but she's getting through this without me, and it hurts.

Im affraid she getting over you, and the last person she wants or needs help from is you im affraid. That works for you too mind, she the cause of this pain she cannot help you. Trust me being around her if your still in love with her will hurt like hell.

You also mention she has been making new friends? Is that code for she has a new Boyfriend? One wonders if hes filled the void you left maybe a redflag?

I tried the "friends" things too, the problem is it doesn't work. You are not really friends anymore even though you agree to it. She wont talk to you about anything important, the intimacy and trust you used to have is gone. Even if your willing to trust her she has made the decission not to trust you, and no friendship can exsist without trust. My Ex's focus is on the new man in her life not me and really when I asked about him in our first and last friend meet it all ended up in one giant row! We txt'd back and fore since a few times but now she litterally ignores everyone, I've not sent one in a month now or spoken to her since.

I don't think its impossible to be friends maybe somewhere down the line in the future but really your feelings for her would have to have subsided. I went to our friends meet thinking if only I can say the right things I'll win her back, when then became obvious was that nothing I could say made any difference so its all ended in disaster from then on! If you must continue with the friends thing then becareful and try to keep your emotions in check? I failed there bigtime.

Hope things work out for you.

[sorekaze]

I'm going to see a counselor to help me get over my problems, so I hope she really does know I'm sincere about the change. Bah..

[dlinepassion]

You know, every relationship is different for everyone. With me and my ex, she does tell me really important things that she feels she can't tell others. She tells me about problems and stresses that she just can't or doesn't want to deal with alone. I'm still in love with this girl and would do anything I could for her, and yes a part of me wishes she would come back, but I know that won't happen. If you think with your brain on this one, you might, might be able to be friends, but like Chazza2k said be careful. Don't feel you have to talk to her all the time. Give both of you some time alone and don't push anything! If you do she will be gone. If you don't think you can handle this then don't. Just because you want her in your life doesn't mean you need her. If you feel you want to be friends then do just that but don't push her to be friends with you.

[kms]

Well, the saying is that hindsight is 20/20. We always realize our mistakes and faults when what we value most is gone.

I was on the other side - I finally walked out of a 2 year relationship, after having temporarily 'left' him a few times before that. Each time he promised to change, begged me to come back, but when I came back, it was just exactly the same. Finally, I'd had enough and left for good. He, like you, seemed determined and serious this time - but it was too late for me. I had already lost my trust, lost my feelings, I had invested so much but had gotten nothing in return... there was too much pain and brokenness to cross over and forget about. He also went to counseling, he started doing some serious self-analysis, he finally took responsibility and got a job, and his life revolved around trying to get me back.

I felt torn since I did care about him, but there was too much hurt, broken promises, letdowns between us for me to want the relationship back. Plus, I could never know for sure if he was just doing all that to get me back - and then go back to his old ways once I gave in. Perhaps that would reinforce his behavior even more - treat her like crap, be nice to get her back, then go back to treating her like crap again; an endless cycle. He had already proved that to be the case when I had left him before (not unlike your own situation).

I had invested too much - and I wanted to be in a relationship where the guy was taking care of me, taking responsibility, not being a selfish child who needed constant mothering.

So I left for good. Yet, it turned out that the experience was good for both of us. I realized a lot of things about myself; I worked through a lot of my own issues; I 'woke' up so to speak. He got so bad that he tried to commit suicide, but then gradually he got better to the point where now he's working on a PhD from what I hear. This is from the guy who refused to go back to school to finish up a couple of credits to get a math degree (he did have another degree in his defense, but it was pretty useless).

So despite the pain (trust me, I was wrecked with guilt and uncertainty, being torn between wanting to make him feel better - I hated the fact that I was causing him so much pain; I didn't want him to suffer - but wanting to do what was right for myself... I was a mess for at least a year), we both grew and learned from the experience, and found ourselves on better paths.

So perhaps this experience you're having is for the best. It's the pain and hard times that make us wake up and take account of ourselves, change our bad habits, strive to be better people, and do a lot of serious self-analysis. We need these experiences. I would never take my experience back; it served a very valuable role in my life. I hope the same for you, no matter the outcome of whether or not you get her back.

[sorekaze]

so it turns out that she talked to my best friend after we had broken up, telling him that she wanted to work on our friendship, so that when we gave it another go it would be better than before. I'm not sure what to do. Is she pushing me away like this so I'll genuinely seek to change in the way she wants, with no mistakes or broken promises?

[sorekaze]

Hey sorry to bump like this, but I was wondering if my last post means anything. Is she just confused..?

[Rosinha]

Hey sorry to bump like this, but I was wondering if my last post means anything. Is she just confused..?

To be honest I don't think she is confused.
She probably really wants to move on, even if she still loves you. Maybe it is for the best, maybe it isn't, but try not to pressure her, give her some space. Being friends might not be the best thing for you right now so think about it. You might get your hopes up and end up even worse. Do some thinking, give it some time, and maybe you will realize that breaking up is the best thing for you too. Sometimes we cannot change when we should simple because deep down we´re not ready, it sucks but it happens...
Love her if you can't forget her, but move on with the rest of your life.

(sorry if I made any typing mistakes, English is not my first language)

[cmacattack1]

I think the number one mistake we dumped guys make is that when we see our mistakes finally and are really going through change, we plan on changing for them. It seems so romantic but it's not the right motivation. We should see how our actions were negatively affecting our own life and want to change them for ourself, to better ourself. When she broke up with you, left you, she took with her the "us" and left you with just "you". How can doing something for that us really get you anywhere? It won't get her back in the short or long run.

The time for change was the first time you guys broke up. I know you knew she had feelings for you and didn't want to leave you, and you took advantage of that. You were lonely, scared and wanted her back. But when it begins to cycle and nothing is changing, that's when you are going to lose her for good. I didn't even get the option of being apart from my ex girlfriend, and sure she gave me chances and bluntly told me what I needed to do to make our relationship work but it wouldn't have been genuine as I was just obeying what she said and the relationship would have fizzled out. Which it did, and I did the begging and pleading and telling her I'd change when I was just doing that out of desparation. Being apart from her beyond that desparation is what really helped me change and I started seeing what I could do for myself. Because if you really care about her, you want to start a new relationship not get back together which insinuates that it would be back together with the old you.

Don't do it for her, do it for yourself, and it will be genuine. If she ever gets the chance to see it, the change will be noticeable. If not, you will be prepared for the next one, if and when you are ready for that to happen.

[sorekaze]

Just thought I'd let you guys know that we're getting back together! <3333333