How to deal with a strong case of unrequited romantic feelings?

[billyjeffick84]

I am currently a 25 year old male who is still in college. Many years ago, when I was in high school, I was one of the best students, especially in Math, Chemistry, and Physics. I was easily able to get into the Chemical Engineering program at my university and I declared myself as a triple major in Chemical Engineering, Chemistry, and Math. In the first two or three years, I was enjoying my studies and a good academic performance. However, I had several strong unrequited obsessive crushes on several women and that destroyed my motivation. I started using the Internet a LOT, I started spending tens of hours on Facebook, Myspace, and eventually, YouTube. My grades began a steady, fast downward plunge and my confidence was broken. Eventually, I got into surfing pornography on the Internet. That completely destroyed my academic record and I was failing all my classes. I was taking less classes just to graduate eventually and I was using pornography and the Internet to waste time. Six years after starting college as a bright smart hard-working student, I flunked out of the university and turned into a porn junkie. My career and academic record were broken completely. This year, the university allowed to take me back for one more semester on probation. At this point, I made a solid decision to completely eliminate porn use and to drastically reduce my Internet time.

When I came back to the university this year, in one of my classes, I met one young woman. First of all, she is extremely beautiful and physically attractive, perhaps she is one of the most beautiful women that I ever met in my life. She looks like a model and could easily win any beauty pageant, if only she wanted to participate in one. But most of all, she is extremely smart, intelligent, and intellectual. Even though she is a junior, she takes senior level courses in Math and Chemistry. She is one of the best students in the class. She does research in quantum mechanics in one of the best research groups in the Chemistry department. She can easily solve problems in classical mechanics, thermodynamics, quantum mechanics, and she knows computational chemistry and differential equations very solidly. Being so smart in those areas makes her even more sexy.
She watches many geeky films, and she enjoys science fiction books. She knows films like Stars Wars, Terminator, Matrix, and others by heart.
In addition to that, she participates in many sports, including rowing, track, swimming, and she was winner of multiple chess competitions in her high school. In addition to all of that, she is very mature for her age. At the age of not yet 21, she looks like a woman of 30. Many young girls at age 20 or 21 act like little kids, still watch Disney cartoons or Jonas Brothers or gossip incessantly about shopping and boys. She is not like that at all. She is very serious and rational and she has multiple interests. She looks and acts like a woman, not a girl. This adds even more to her sexiness. I have never yet met anyone more impeccable than her. The only problem is that I am only 5'10" and she is 6'1" and despite my tall appearance, she looks obviously taller than me.

I developed feelings for her at first sight. Now, I made a solid resolution to give up porn for good. Also, I tried to get myself more motivated in my classes. I began to "stretch" myself, so I could turn myself into a man worthy of her love. Also, my meeting her opened my eyes on my life in the past several years. I realized that I had wasted very much of my time. I realized that my abuse of porn and the Internet diminished my abilities and my personality. I realized that I lost the strength and the intelligence that I used to have in high school and early college. Also, I realized that I was drifting in my life and not living life to the fullest potential. I regretted that I did not meet someone like her several years earlier. Maybe, if I met her before my academic troubles began, then those troubles could have been avoided. But now, I am an unsuccessful 25 year old loser, who is living at home with his Parents, who is unemployed, who is unmotivated, who has no friends, who is a virgin and was never in any relationship and never even kissed. But worst of all, I am a 25 year old male who does not have fully developed career path. The latter is an enormous shame for a male person who by age should be a grown man! At my age, I have not planned out the structure for my life, because years were wasted on porn. After meeting the woman, my eyes were opened that much of my life was a waste. Heck, if I would have been listening to my Parents when they told me to eat an eating and exercising properly as a child and and an early teen, I could have grown in height to be 6'1" or taller!

In my life, I have never admired any woman so much as her. She seems to be the woman that I dreamed about all my life. Before this year, I used to looks at girls everywhere, but now, I have stopped thinking about all other women at all. I cannot imagine being with another woman. Maybe my standards are extremely high, but she is the woman that I want and there is no other young woman like her. At least, I have never met anyone like her. I began to think about her all the time and began to see her in my dreams.

She was nice to me for a long time, but for some reason, she always rejected me when I added her as a friend on Facebook. I added her several times and each time, she would reject me. I think that one has to thoroughly dislike you and even possibly hate you to reject you as a Facebook friend. But still, I swallowed my pride and I gave her multiple signs of attention. She was polite and friendly to me, but yet, she seemed to be somewhat indifferent toward me. One time, I sent her a Facebook gift of a bouquet of roses. She wrote me a short email that she has a boyfriend and feels uncomfortable from my signs of attention. But her Facebook profile says that she is Single! She told me that she still does have a boyfriend, she just doesn't like to talk about him too much, but she apologized for rejecting me.

At this point, I know that I should have stopped my pursuit of her. However, as I described earlier, my feelings for her are so strong that it was hard for me to stop. I would continue to try to make casual conversations with her and ask her questions about class. I was also trying to ask her to have lunch with me, but she repeatedly and politely told me that she can't do that. Any rational person would tell me that she is just not interested. Any normal person would have suggested me to just stop. But it was just too hard for me. I decided to tell her plainly and honestly how much of feelings I have for her. I hoped that she would consider me to be a kind and an honest person. Perhaps, it was unnecessary and naive, but I wanted to prove to her that I have absolutely no ill intentions and that my feelings for her greatly transcend a crush or lust. I found her after class and I told her almost all the truth in one long talk. I described how much struggle and trouble I was having in my academic and personal life. I told her that meeting her had given mea ray of hope to rebuild my life. I told her that she is the woman of my dreams. Also, I mentioned that I cannot imagine any other woman. She listened to be very attentively and patiently. Then, with a shocked facial expression, she replied: "Sorry, but I cannot return these feelings. I must go back to my studies."

I added her as a friend on Facebook again, but this time, she blocked me!
After getting blocked on Facebook, I cried for the first time in many years. The next day, I wrote her an email, where I apologized and promised to leave her alone completely. In the days since then, I completely lost my appetite. I am having hard time falling asleep each night and I often wake up in the middle of the night. My grades are beginning to slip, because I even think of her in class. My weight went down from 137 lbs to 122 lbs in 3 weeks. Despite the fact that I have not seen her even once after that conversation, I think about her almost all the time and still sometimes see her in my dreams. I feel that I am in love with her. I am willing to work very hard to make up with her and if at all possible, to win her heart. I am willing to wait for her patiently and I am will willing to make important changes in my life for her.

Now, I would like to ask you some questions about this situation:

1. Why did she block me on Facebook?

In my opinion, one person blocks another person on Facebook is the former considers the latter to be their enemy. There has to a great amount of despise and hatred to block someone on Facebook. Does she hate me? Does she consider me to be her enemy? If so, why?
Indeed, I was annoying to her and I might have pestered her a bit too much. But at the same time, I have not betrayed not. I have not threatened her. I have not said anything rude or offensive to her. In no way, shape, or form, did I show her any intention of harming her. My speech to her was an honest, a sincere, and a straightforward confession of love. It was also a thank you to her for restoring my hope and interest in life. Why do I deserve to be blocked on Facebook for that?

2. is she scared of me?

As I had mentioned earlier, I have absolutely no intention to cause her ill or harm. However, it seems to me that she is afraid of me. There is no reason at all for her to be afraid of me. The thing that breaks my heart the most is not the fact that she is not in love with me. What breaks my heart much more is the fact that she probably scared of me.
What makes me extremely depressed and frustrated is my fear that she think that I am a dangerous stalker and a creep. She might even think that I would go to such length as a rape and murder. She might even think that I am a deranged criminal or a mentally ill violent psychotic. But why do I deserve to be thought of that way?
I have never harmed another being in my life. I have never done anything wrong. I don't see any reason for her to think of me that way. My sincere hopes are that she does not consider me to be harmful and dangerous.

I did not see her in class on Wednesday and Friday. Is she cutting class, because of me?!

3. How can I prove her that I am an honest and a completely harmless person?

I don't want her to be afraid of me at all. What can I do to show her true character?

4. Did she believe that my confession was sincere?

I am afraid that she thinks that I confessed love to her to manipulate her. maybe this false thought was why she blocked me on Facebook. But this is NOT true at all. But does she think that way?

5. What would be the consequences if I start a casual talk with her?

I have left her alone completely for 3 weeks. I am afraid to run into her. If see her and say "hi" to her, what would her reaction be? If I attempt a normal, calm, and casual conversation, what would she do? If I ask her how she did on the last test, what would she say? Will she say anything back to me? I am scared that if I approach her and start the most neutral and innocent conversation, she might report me for sexual harassment. Moreover, I am scared that she might impose a restraining order on me even for the most casual conversation. She could even complain to the University officials and I could get kicked out of the University for good.
I want to talk to her and I want to end my status of a persona non-grata with her. But I am afraid of consequences. How long should I wait before I can even say "hi" to her again? Would I face trouble if I initiate a conversation with her?

6. What does she think about me?

Even in the days before I started to pursue her earnestly, she rejected me on Facebook. Even before I began to pester her, she seemed somewhat indifferent toward me. I am afraid that she thinks that I am a stupid and a shallow person. She might think that I have no real personality and that I am not a real man. She might think of me as a wuss, a loser, and a slacker. She might think that I am a lazy and a selfish person. What was it about my initial behavior and first impression that made her so indifferent toward me?
Does she think that I am not smart enough in Math and Chemistry? Does she think that I am too unsuccessful and unmotivated?

7. What can I do to change her mind about me?

It is very hard for me to get over such a great woman as her. My admiration for her runs too deeply and my feelings for her are still growing, despite the block on Facebook. I want to transform myself into a smart, strong, confident man, one that will be worthy of her love. I want to become her equal. I have a strong desire to rebuild my academics and my career from scratch. I had given up porn entirely and I use Internet less. I want to develop new hobbies and new interests. I made the decision to start my life anew. With the mess in my academics and career, it will take me at least 2 years to rebuild my life and career. But I am willing to wait for her for 2 years, 5 years, and maybe even 10 years. However, even two years might be too late. If she truly has a boyfriend, then they will probably be engaged within a year and married two years from now. Still, it is possible that she just told me about a boyfriend so I could leave her alone, and it is possible that she and her boyfriend might eventually break up. What can I do transform myself into such a man who will be a Hercules, an Aristotle, a Sir Isaac Newton, a Neo all at the same time? Into the man worthy of the Aphrodite and the Marie Curie that he wants so much!

8. What to tell the counselor?

After my distress over the woman, I decided to seek professional help on the University campus. If I tell the counselor all the truth, I am afraid that I might get into trouble.

[IndiReloaded]

I told her that she is the woman of my dreams. Also, I mentioned that I cannot imagine any other woman. She listened to be very attentively and patiently. Then, with a shocked facial expression, she replied: "Sorry, but I cannot return these feelings. I must go back to my studies."

This^ is the crux of your situation. She's not into you. There is nothing more to discuss. She probably blocked you on FB b/c she doesn't want to deal with you not being able to accept this simple, very clearly stated fact.

Kudos to you, BTW. You had the balls to do what many males cannot: fess your feelings straight up. IMO, she shot you down reasonably kindly, if with surgical precision. I can relate to the method. You will only embarrass yourself if you continue to pursue her. Move on.

[A&W]

You already screwed up. Did you take the time to get to know her at all? Besides, it just seems like you're just too emotionally invested in her.

Get back to reality, you might think she's perfect in every which way, but the truth is, no one is.

I'd like to say more, but this really feels like a troll post from an idiot from /b/. I mean, it's cool and everything that you actually worked up the courage to confess and everything, but you really should have just dealt with the fact that she just wasn't into you and moved on with life.

[kenny12]

are you sincere in your dealings with her ?
did you toy with her feelings ?
did you lie to her ?
what are you hiding from her that she should know ?
when you sent an invite to her in facebook, did you use your authentic account or a "fake" account ?
if you didn't use an authentic account which she got to know you from, did she know it was you ?
if you used accounts other than your authentic one, why was that ? did you explain to her ? did she expressed that she was puzzled and sought to understand which you never gave ?
did anyone of your BFF stalk her with fake accounts, hence making her feel suspicious and skeptical when being contacted on facebook for chats ?
did someone else besides you e.g. BFF or friends jam the air waves with rumours and gossip that confuse rather than helped in mutual understanding ?
did she tell you about the communication mess she had difficulty handling, and what did you do to offer alternative solutions ?
when she wanted to contact you, in whose account or "face" did you present yourself available and does she know it was you ? did you give her trust enough that she is talking to the right person ?

no one is perfect - that includes you, your BFF and her. before springing on to others, do a critical self-examination first.

you see, it is one whole big messed up complicated situation (platform and your ****ed up past) which you both never sorted out.

[kenny12]

i wish i could tell/show you my side of the story. but i'm too tired and i just don't know where to start.

geez, does it still matter ?

before you mess with a new girl, sort out your ****ed up past first. you know, i never minded you and your ecentricities, cos i'm one odd ball myself. but i don't like your fake nice words and putting up show with your ex.

at the end of it, you flipped. i never was perfect, no one is. then again, isn't love supposed to be "loving an imperfect person" and all that crap ?

if you don't mean what you say, don't ****ing hell say it.

[kms]

^ uhm... are you in the wrong thread or something? I can't make sense out of any of that.

1. You need to leave her alone. She politely made it clear to you that she wasn't interested, yet you kept going anyway. I had a guy in high school who would do similar things - honestly it really creeped me out. When a person indicates that they aren't interested, the other person normally takes the hint and leaves them alone, no matter how heartbreaking it might be. If you persist, it crosses the line and becomes almost like stalking, and obsessive. No wonder she isn't coming to class anymore; I would probably do the same.

2. You are wise to seek counseling. And yes, you need to tell the therapist everything. You won't get in trouble unless you physically harmed/abused her, or you are a danger to yourself or someone else. Everything else you say stays between you and the therapist. Your therapist will definitely help you figure everything out so that you can move on to form healthier, more successful relationships in the future.

[stacey]

wow you seem to have many questions. if you and she are still on talking terms, suggest you talk face to face.

i have a friend who faces a similar situation, but his is an online case. he and the girl met only once in 2 years as they lived in different countries. theirs was as messed up a situation as can be with past and current b/gf, career problems, flings, etc thrown in. when they finally met after 2 years to talk about it, they realised how vastly different each's perception of the reality is.

just don't kill each other before you even open your mouth to talk.

[Sanctuary]

Hi, I'm here to answer your questions but I warn you that I may come off as a bit too candid. But I hope that you can see that more than anything, I'm trying to help.


1. Why did she block me on Facebook?

Because you're a creep that won't leave her alone and she has better things to do than listen to your inane babble about how much you like her.

2. is she scared of me?

I think she's more annoyed than anything.

I did not see her in class on Wednesday and Friday. Is she cutting class, because of me?!

I think you're jumping to conclusions. Her world doesn't revolve around you.

3. How can I prove her that I am an honest and a completely harmless person?

You don't. Just leave her alone please. Even if you did prove to her that you were honest/harmless, she doesn't care.

I don't want her to be afraid of me at all. What can I do to show her true character?

Your true character sounds like it sucks. I think you should work on changing it.

You need to learn to be happy with who you are. You need to learn to enjoy your life as a single guy. You need to learn to have fun and lighten up a room when you're in it, not the other way around. Anyway all that advice is useless cuz it's much easier said than done. Find hobbies, make friends, I don't know.

4. Did she believe that my confession was sincere?

Yes, she does believe your confession was sincere, that's why she blocked you. Please refer back to my answer for question 1 if you don't understand why she blocked you.

5. What would be the consequences if I start a casual talk with her?

For ****s sucks why can't you leave this poor girl alone????

Here are some possible consequences of what might happen if you try to talk to her:

- She will give you short answers in an attempt to ignore you (most likely scenario)

- She alerts the authorities of your harrassment

- She files a restraining order

- She makes an account on LF to complain about this annoying guy that follows her around and asks us what to do to get rid of him (not likely scenario)

6. What does she think about me?

I'm quoting you now:

I am an unsuccessful 25 year old loser, who is living at home with his Parents, who is unemployed, who is unmotivated, who has no friends

Does it surprise you that she doesn't like you back? I think you should work on those qualities of yourself that I quoted to make yourself more marketable to women in the future.

7. What can I do to change her mind about me?

Liking someone does not make them like you back. Please refer to my answers to question 3 and 6.

8. What to tell the counselor?

You won't get in trouble for anything, just tell the counselor what you told us.

[stacey]

are you sincere in your dealings with her ?
did you toy with her feelings ?
did you lie to her ?
what are you hiding from her that she should know ?
when you sent an invite to her in facebook, did you use your authentic account or a "fake" account ?
if you didn't use an authentic account which she got to know you from, did she know it was you ?
if you used accounts other than your authentic one, why was that ? did you explain to her ? did she expressed that she was puzzled and sought to understand which you never gave ?
did anyone of your BFF stalk her with fake accounts, hence making her feel suspicious and skeptical when being contacted on facebook for chats ?
did someone else besides you e.g. BFF or friends jam the air waves with rumours and gossip that confuse rather than helped in mutual understanding ?
did she tell you about the communication mess she had difficulty handling, and what did you do to offer alternative solutions ?
when she wanted to contact you, in whose account or "face" did you present yourself available and does she know it was you ? did you give her trust enough that she is talking to the right person ?

no one is perfect - that includes you, your BFF and her. before springing on to others, do a critical self-examination first.

you see, it is one whole big messed up complicated situation (platform and your ****ed up past) which you both never sorted out.

hmmm, why not answer kenny12's questions instead of running away and avoiding it as usual ? if you had been open about it, you may find that she was willing to accept you for who you are, creep or no creep. in fact, she might have been upset that you never trusted her enough to tell her the truth.

just a thought... if it matters anyway

how come you are such a coward to tell the truth ? if you had been forthright from the beginning, all this shit could have been avoided. you want people to accept you for who you are, but you are not even willing to accept yourself.

on hindsight, i see how cowardly you are... running away from clarifying the mere truth which would clear the misunderstanding (if you really meant what you said about your feelings towards the girl). instead you chose to distract and beat about the bush through twisted theories of love, demands and flipping back and forth to your ex.

deep down, i think the issue is you. it's not about your ex or the girl or "love" for that matter. all the other stuff are merely distractions and excuses for covering up the real issue. i don't mean to analyse, but since you avoid answering, and i do have unanswered questions in my mind, i simply have to try to understand. for all you know, the girl may already know an inkling of it since beginning of the year. you just don't have enough faith to believe that she could accept you for who you are.

[Only-virgins]

So much irrelevant info that I just didn't bother to continue to read.

[lilly1185]

I am glad to know I wasn't the only one who acquired a near-concussion reading this.

Clearly, however, your obsessive state propelled you into a loss of good study habits and what would be a damn good schooling record.
Don't bother with the school counselors. See a therapist.

[thrillaveza]

i had the same situation, check out my only thread i posted. the signs for me were vague and i was too stupid to realize that i should have pulled away sooner. but yet, unlike your situation, she didn't tell me that she started seeing someone. i had to find out from her friend. well i applaud that you told her how you felt, though you have to respect how she feels, no matter how bad it hurts. trust me, when i found out about the girl i like having a bf, i did cry; and that's okay, to be honest. don't stay too mad, just let some time pass and sooner or later you'll wake feeling new.

you kind of messed up in various reasons : 1. the whole still pursuing while she told you she had a bf 2. the whole facebook spiel. pursuing her while she told you she has a bf clearly means that you disregarded her feelings and if anything she got the intention of your 'creeper/obsessiveness' when you requested to add her on facebook and she denied twice. now with these two mess ups, it's going to be hard to re-kindle things with her (can take many months or even a year). but for now, just keep to yourself. find a hobby, pursue other girls. fix all your weak qualities. just right now stay away and do your own things.

[stacey]

.....................

[A&W]

You know, you can call "No shit, sherlock" on me right now, but doesn't this person just seem like a troll?

I mean, the whole story he's feeding us just really feels like crap. I mean, isn't it pretty obvious to take a hint and lay off if a chick just isn't into you?

[CAM]

This^ is the crux of your situation. She's not into you. There is nothing more to discuss. She probably blocked you on FB b/c she doesn't want to deal with you not being able to accept this simple, very clearly stated fact.

Kudos to you, BTW. You had the balls to do what many males cannot: fess your feelings straight up. IMO, she shot you down reasonably kindly, if with surgical precision. I can relate to the method. You will only embarrass yourself if you continue to pursue her. Move on.

Agreed. Of course, it can get weird. In my case, I fessed up, got shot down (why she invited me to Europe, is beyond me...) and never spoke to her again. Then, YEARS later, she invites me to join Facebook, but then when I sent a "Hello" email, she doesn't respond.

So, the long and the short...NEVER have future contact, even if she does some stupid thing that seems like she's discovered an interest. Part of real love is when you click at the same time...otherwise, it is always uncoordinated and it never works.