Why Is It So Hard?

[SeaSider]

....... To get a man to talk to you?

Right quick up to date of mine and his story:

He was married once, they broke up over 10 years ago wasnt right for each other, he started drinking, then he met this other woman who treated him like absolute crap, he must have learnt more then to shut himself down, drinking more.

Then he met me, now im nothing like either of them and he says he loves me and wants to be with me. While he was drinking lots in our first year he did go on internet chat rooms with other women, i think he finds it hard to have that actual real closness with someone. We have been together 4 years now.

We have managed to stop him drinking as much though there have been a few times where he has tried to hide it from me, but he never can. He is trying there though.

We havent had sex for over 7 months, and then its not reall passionate or anything. then after he just turns over and goes to sleep.

He doesnt have a lot of confidence, was told for many years that he's nothing. learned to block his feelings and not show them or let anyone in.....

but now thats our problem......

how do you get a man to talk about whats wrong in your relationship?

I dont push him, its been years like this....
I dont nag him......
I dont ask for much......
I just want to be happy and have a sex life as well as him closer to me, and to let me in emtionally.

We have both had probs with depression. I have had a really rough past too, but i let him in, i have let down my guard with him, thats why he can hurt me so much, but like tonight, i said are you going to think about what i said, and he just said no, blank look on face.

Though i know by his eyes he's feeling something inside he just wont say it.


GRRRRRRRR MEN!

Any thoughts men of the world??

[Primo]

You're not very picky, are you SeaSider? It sounds like a boring, loveless relationship that you should cut your ties from. You know, there ARE guys out there who can make you feel loved, special, wanted all the time...

[Gigabitch]

It's not that hard to get men to open up unless they're broken, sad creatures like your boyfriend. You deserve what you settle for. You don't push him, you don't ask for much... why not? Don't you deserve better than this?

[SeaSider]

Thank you for your replies, its in no way a loveless relationship or i wouldnt still be here, he has given up a lot for me, when we got together i moved to be with him, but missed my family, he knew that and moved his life for me, left a high paying job for one that doesnt pay a lot, left his family and his life as he knew it for so many years and friends too. he gives me everything else i want, its just the emotion and the past hurts that we need to get past, and im not one to give up on something that easy, if you think something is worth fighting for you do right?

[Primo]

Well, he was a heavy drinker, ultimately tried to hide it from you but you're 'working on it'. He hung out in internet chat rooms with women, has never really been close to you and you don't have a sex life either. To top it off, you try to talk to him about your life together and he shuts you out.

You want to know what the men of the world think, I'm only one, but I think you have a horrible relationship. I couldn't imagine being a part of something so empty and lacking in passion. You can defend and rationalize it all you want, spend the rest of your life fighting for it, that's your choice SeaSider, good luck.

[CAM]

Sans my normal editorializing. He's a weak man. A relationship is a form of investment, except you set your own price in a relationship and it really reflects your own self-worth. In other words, if you pick a weak and damaged mate, then you are saying to yourself, "I'm not worth much more than that."

I question whether a rational person would choose an undamaged car or something from the junkyard, but currently you are picking the junkyard dog, sweetie.

If you think you deserve better, then dump him. If you have no self-worth, then stand by your man.

[Gigabitch]

You're not even getting laid. Run, girl! Run!

[SeaSider]

thank you for all your replies again! i have told him tonight that i have posted on here as i dont hide anything from him, he had a bad night at work though so i dont think it would be right to let him read this tonight, and he usually doesn't want to read anything about me not feeling good or anything anyway, but im going to let him read this if he wants to and all your comments, as people not knowing us but saying what they see to our situation.
he does find it hard to talk, as i do with others but i let him in
i do give him other options, writing it down, i even started a forum just for us two where i put all fun stuff and things he likes and there was a bit where we would share our feelings, he never comes on hardly anymore, and hasnt even read half of it, he makes me feel sometimes as if im being the bitch for feeling sad, when i have done nothing but give him everything and love him so much.

but do most guys not like talking? about feelings and such like? the others i have known most of them have had no problem with it.
he's been hurt a lot - as have i - but i dont think hes out of that hurt yet, cant or wont trust me fully, even though i have never done anything to warrant his distrust. when i try and talk to him about he closes down, and makes me feel bad for making him miserable, then he says 'i've had enough of this, its always one thing or another with you, im sick of coming home and getting all this, not again...... etc' and that makes me feel so bad.

its just like he's not there with me most of the time, far off looks in his eyes, blank stares, and emotionally forget it, he's so not comfy with any of that,
but he wont see my point of view, to any of it.

i go without sex, even though that's not who i am. i go without romance, i go without the real closeness.

he does try, he gives me some cuddles and kisses when he goes to work and gets home.

I'm only writing this as i know that he just might read this to see what responses i have had.

i know no one can ever say what another person is as you have never walked in their shoes, so you cant judge but others can give the point of view they see on the outside and that's the only reason i came to this forum and posted here.

thanks again!

[shheadz]

I don't mind talking about my feelings with my girlfriend, although she has to catch me in the right mood. I'm not going to talk if I just get home from a long day at work, and I feel "attacked" by her and some big "lets talk" kind of thing. I need to feel relaxed and comfortable to open up. She's the same way.

It sounds like he has some serious issues with depression, which is probably why he drank so heavily for so many years. It can get even worse once you've taken away his "medicine", i.e. the booze. That's not your fault. But depression can kill a person's libido, interest in hobbies, and interest in personal relationships. I've dealt with depression in the past, and it left me in an emotionless "blah" state of mind. It's hard to care about anything when you have no feelings.

You could get him into therapy, and AA meetings. You can get him on meds. You really have to ask yourself if it's worth investing so much time and energy on him.

[SeaSider]

Thank you so much for this post shheadz



You are very wise and i thought all that you said was absolutely right.

I don't mind talking about my feelings with my girlfriend, although she has to catch me in the right mood. I'm not going to talk if I just get home from a long day at work, and I feel "attacked" by her and some big "lets talk" kind of thing. I need to feel relaxed and comfortable to open up. I know what you mean here, when he gets in i don't jump him, for years i havent and he has said he finds it hard to talk and will do when he's ready, but i cant wait forever, i give him other options like the letters and things if he's not comfy with face to face


It sounds like he has some serious issues with depression, which is probably why he drank so heavily for so many years. It can get even worse once you've taken away his "medicine", i.e. the booze. That's not your fault. But depression can kill a person's libido, interest in hobbies, and interest in personal relationships. I've dealt with depression in the past, and it left me in an emotionless "blah" state of mind. It's hard to care about anything when you have no feelings.
You are so right here as well, he has had depression for years and its understandable knowing what went on in his past, he did learn to use alcohol as a 'get away from life and feeling and forget it all' kinda thing. He's been heavy drinking ever since we have been together, but the drinking i cant live with, so he has dropped the vodka, and that wasnt easy for him i know, yes he's had some slips but this is a ten year old problem, i think its amazing that he's done what he has up to now. But i know when you take that away and some of the feelings, stress and that get through again it can lead to feeling down etc. Depression, i also have had this for most of my life and know it can mess you up a lot. But i have got a bit better, not its just all this that gets me down really down. He hasnt lost interest in his hobbies, i go to the football with him, he plays his online football thing all the time and watches what he wants on the tv, i dont mind him sitting in bed with the laptop doing football stuff as long as its not instead of giving me what i need and want and ingnoring me. He has said to me in the past that all he cared about is the alcohol and didnt care how i felt, and thats true what you said, its hard to care about others when you have no feelings yourself as you've blocked them out. Maybe AA is good but i dont know how he'd feel about this. He's not a open yourself up kinda person, but i dont want him to have to live feeling like this forever.


You could get him into therapy, and AA meetings. You can get him on meds. You really have to ask yourself if it's worth investing so much time and energy on him. I do think that what he needs is therapy about the past, he's still very angry about it all and maybe he would find it easier to talk to someone who's not so close to him, someone who will just listen and not have any emotional feelings in it all. I just know that if he was ok with everything and would just show me a bit more love, affection, kisses, cuddles, intimacy, make me feel like he really wants me and needs me, and just feel special, then id be happy. Im not hard to please haha! Most men would love me, i dont mind him watching what he wants on the tv, i dont mind him doing football things in bed on the laptop, i dont mind staying up so late doing work so that i can go to the football with him every weekend to make him happy. I just want to be happy with a man that makes me feel all the things i want to feel. I want a family in the future and everything. He's not a bad person, he's so kind and will give anyone anything he can material wise, will help anyone and is so lovely with animals, he just changes when hes near them, as i do. We have lots in common and i just think he's worth one more chance. And i have spent 3 years of my life and energy on him, i don't think a bit more could hurt.

I will let him read all this and hope that he pays attention in particular to your post shheadz (not saying i dont appreciate the rest though) but i really felt this one was the right one and thank you so much for giving me your point of view! Your girlfriend is a lucky woman!

[NeoSeminole]

I'm just going to leave this right here:

"The adventure is not in trying to fix a broken boat, but rather in sailing uncharted waters with a good boat."

<slowly walks away from thread>

[Cassy]

Discussing your problems with GF isn't a crime, who else will you discuss with? Discussions builds understanding among yourselves.