Why do I remain so darn optimistic?

[dcburgh15]

I can't explain why I remain so hopeful and optimistic that one day things will work out between her and I. It's neither rational nor constructive for me to feel this way at this time, yet I continue to think about her on a daily basis and I can't shake the gut feeling I have that we'll be together some day. It's the same gut feeling I had when we first met, when I 100% firmly believed upon meeting her that we would have something that would change my life...and I was right.

Is this a case of bad timing, or is it just not meant to be?

I'm a guy in my mid-20's who is working, while she is in her early 20's and away at school, and I can emphatically state that a relationship between us would never work at the moment. As much as I would love to be with her, it wouldn't be practical for either of us. But it doesn't stop me from desperately wanting to be with her in the future and believing that she is the person I'm supposed to be with.

What we "had" was over a year ago, back in the summer of 2008, and it started out as a friendship. At first she was interested in my best friend and I was the friend she turned to for help and guidance. Things quickly fizzled between the two of them but she and I continued to talk and get to know each other. After a few weeks of texting back and forth and hanging out among friends, we began having long, deep conversations about everything imaginable (3-4 hours at a time, long into the night on the phone); I found myself revealing things I had never dreamt of telling someone else, and our conversations challenged me, expanded my view of the world, and exposed me to new ways of thinking. To put things into perspective, I told her more about myself in a month and a half than I had told my ex-girlfriend of four and a half years. I wanted this girl to know everything about me and neither of us held anything back.

There was also a chemistry between us that I had never experienced before and have not experienced since. I can't compare it to any other relationship I've had and I can't explain it. All I know is it was intense and I still feel it to this day. What's even crazier to me is that she revealed to me the same exact feelings I was having before I had the chance to tell her the same things - that she knew right away we were going to become close and develop some sort of relationship; that she immediately felt comfortable talking to me and sharing her innermost thoughts and feelings; that I was on her mind all of the time.

I thought, and continue to think, that she was the most beautiful girl physically I had ever met, and we developed a brief physical relationship before she left for school. All of this - the chemistry and connection, the conversations, the brief physical relationship - eventually led her to tell me that she loved me and I felt the same way.

However, we both realized that a relationship wouldn't be possible with her away at school, and her time there eventually drove us apart; as a result, we pretty much stopped talking completely midway through her first semester. After not talking for almost eight months, she tried to reconnect with me as a friend this summer, but I couldn't handle just a friendship and I ended up pushing her away. Since then, we've only exchanged very brief emails and we haven't had any contact for over four months - no texts, no phone calls, no facebook friendship, etc.

To this day she's the first thing I think about in the morning and pretty much the last thing I think about at night. I cherish the physical closeness we spent together, but it's the conversations and the things we shared with each other that I miss most about her. It's the feeling and comfort that I had found someone who completely understood me and who accepted me for the person I am.

Like I've said, we haven't had any contact in a long time and I've tried everything I can to move on. I keep myself busy with work, working out, spending time with my family and friends, and attempting to meet new girls. I've met a few nice ones, but everyone gets compared to her and no one can quite stack up. Maybe I'm not giving them a fair shot, but I have kept an open mind and nothing seems to work.

In the pit of my stomach remains the feeling and hope that one day things will work out between us. I can't explain it, but it's always there. It's incredibly frustrating, but at the same time, it gives me great hope and optimism for what the future may hold. Maybe I'm being irrational, unreasonable, naive, stupid, etc., but this is just the way I feel.

[Chazza2k]

Sounds to me you are so desperately holding onto the memories of the closeness, bond and intimacy you felt for her your not giving yourself the chance to get over her maybe because part of you doesnt want to give that up? How long were you together? It sounds like you were right at the start of the relationship and everything was amazing but I get the sense it was a very brief affair?

Comparing everyone to her isnt going to help, you just need to give yourself time to let go. Are you feeling guilty over pushing her away as a friend? Guilt can be a damaging emotion its not done me any favours, making yourself out to be responsible for everything that went wrong, that can play on your mind?

Im not sure you are being optimistic? It sounds more like your focusing on the hope of perhaps one day it will all be like it was? I dont think it will be, things have changed between you both, times has passed, new people etc. I think most who post on here know whats its like to lose someone who you trust and love that you can tell anything too. Its difficult but eventually you realise that all this effort your spending dreamin and thinking of her is pointless as she doesnt even think of you at all. Try to get yourself out of patterns that keep making you think of her, its not easy but keep doing what your doing and you will meet someone who will take your mind off her completly.

[cmacattack1]

Alot of time, the posts on here are all about one dumping the other and it's about getting them back. It sounds like it was a mutual thing and you both maturely recognized that it was hard to continue with the distance. I can see exactly why you remain so hopeful: you both had a taste of what it was like to be together and the potential you guys have is really limitless. And it sounds like you didn't screw up and **** her over and hurt her like some of her exes probably have, so all the more reason to believe that.

I guess what I'm wondering about is that why did you guys not talk for eight months after the summer of 2008? Even with the connection you had, it doesn't sound like enough of a bond could be established in a summer period. I understand that it was hard for a relationship over a distance (I'm guessing a good amount of distance, otherwise you might have wanted to try it) but no growth can happen from not keeping in contact.

But anyway, you can't change what's happened in the past. However, since you are still stuck on her so badly without talking at all, it doesn't sound like much was resolved. If you guys took pride on having such honesty between each other, why not just have a talk and figure it out. There is nothing more crucial and important in a relationship than honesty and sincerity. Tell her how you feel if you haven't already, and that includes everything. Everything you wrote here. And ask her how she feels. No bullshitting, no trying to be nice and letting somebody down easy, let her know you want just straight honest truth. If she's straight and she either still cares and wants to pursue something, you are where you want to be. If she doesn't, than it will hurt but it will be much easier to move on and give somebody else a fair chance. What's important to recognize here is that you can live and be happy without her: you don't NEED her but you WANT her. And you need to be comfortable with that before you will be ready for this. And if she is bullshitting you, she'll know she's lying about how she felt and it will be on her mind. And while you are moving on, she may surprise you down the road, who knows.

I'm guessing that since you guys were only intimate for a couple months, maybe just coming out of nowhere with that might be a bit overwhelming. Not talking to her is not going to get you anywhere though. Every day is another day she can meet that somebody else.

[dcburgh15]

Sounds to me you are so desperately holding onto the memories of the closeness, bond and intimacy you felt for her your not giving yourself the chance to get over her maybe because part of you doesnt want to give that up? How long were you together? It sounds like you were right at the start of the relationship and everything was amazing but I get the sense it was a very brief affair?

Comparing everyone to her isnt going to help, you just need to give yourself time to let go. Are you feeling guilty over pushing her away as a friend? Guilt can be a damaging emotion its not done me any favours, making yourself out to be responsible for everything that went wrong, that can play on your mind?

Im not sure you are being optimistic? It sounds more like your focusing on the hope of perhaps one day it will all be like it was? I dont think it will be, things have changed between you both, times has passed, new people etc. I think most who post on here know whats its like to lose someone who you trust and love that you can tell anything too. Its difficult but eventually you realise that all this effort your spending dreamin and thinking of her is pointless as she doesnt even think of you at all. Try to get yourself out of patterns that keep making you think of her, its not easy but keep doing what your doing and you will meet someone who will take your mind off her completly.

Chazza2k, thank you for your response and for raising these questions; I'll do my best to answer them.

1. Yes, our friendship/relationship was pretty brief. From the time we met to us becoming close friends to then becoming something more was only over a period of 4-5 months. I realize that's a short amount of time, but our chemistry was immediate, and toward the latter part of that time, we talked for hours every day and we spent a lot of time together. So while we didn't know each other for long, I felt that I understood her and she really understood me.

2. I actually don't feel any guilt for pushing her away as a friend this past summer. It would be great if we had continued to talk and stay-in-touch, but at that time, I definitely couldn't have handled a friendship. Hearing her talk about going on dates with other guys or expressing feelings for someone else would have crushed me, so I needed to distance myself.

3. You might be right that I'm focusing on the hope that we'll one day be together. I realize that she has changed and she will continue to change as a person, and I will do the same. I'm sure that things between us won't go back to the way they were previously, but I have no doubt that the chemistry is still there. When she attempted to re-connect this summer, we initially joked around and kidded each other like we had done before. We have a similar sense-of-humor and I don't think that will change, no matter how much time passes.

I think part of the reason I am so hopeful/optimistic/whatever you want to call it is because we talked about being together after she graduated from college and we discussed the future. Even this past summer, she seemed confused and undecided about what she wanted from me - a friendship or something more. I constantly have to remind myself that she's young - I'm nearly 5 years older than she is - and I have to allow her time to grow and discover herself as a person. But that just contributes to my thinking that she'll one day realize I'm the person she wants to be with.

Furthermore, one of her favorite movies is "When Harry Met Sally" and she would consistently compare our friendship to the movie. In the movie, the two characters start out as friends, and after various trials and tribulations, they end up together. This has always stuck in my mind because she brought it up time and time again and that hasn't helped me move on, that's for sure.

[dcburgh15]

Alot of time, the posts on here are all about one dumping the other and it's about getting them back. It sounds like it was a mutual thing and you both maturely recognized that it was hard to continue with the distance. I can see exactly why you remain so hopeful: you both had a taste of what it was like to be together and the potential you guys have is really limitless. And it sounds like you didn't screw up and **** her over and hurt her like some of her exes probably have, so all the more reason to believe that.

I guess what I'm wondering about is that why did you guys not talk for eight months after the summer of 2008? Even with the connection you had, it doesn't sound like enough of a bond could be established in a summer period. I understand that it was hard for a relationship over a distance (I'm guessing a good amount of distance, otherwise you might have wanted to try it) but no growth can happen from not keeping in contact.

But anyway, you can't change what's happened in the past. However, since you are still stuck on her so badly without talking at all, it doesn't sound like much was resolved. If you guys took pride on having such honesty between each other, why not just have a talk and figure it out. There is nothing more crucial and important in a relationship than honesty and sincerity. Tell her how you feel if you haven't already, and that includes everything. Everything you wrote here. And ask her how she feels. No bullshitting, no trying to be nice and letting somebody down easy, let her know you want just straight honest truth. If she's straight and she either still cares and wants to pursue something, you are where you want to be. If she doesn't, than it will hurt but it will be much easier to move on and give somebody else a fair chance. What's important to recognize here is that you can live and be happy without her: you don't NEED her but you WANT her. And you need to be comfortable with that before you will be ready for this. And if she is bullshitting you, she'll know she's lying about how she felt and it will be on her mind. And while you are moving on, she may surprise you down the road, who knows.

I'm guessing that since you guys were only intimate for a couple months, maybe just coming out of nowhere with that might be a bit overwhelming. Not talking to her is not going to get you anywhere though. Every day is another day she can meet that somebody else.

cmacattack1, thank you very much for your insight as well; it's certainly much appreciated. There are a few reasons why we stopped talking for such a long period of time and the fault lies with me. When we decided not to pursue this long distance-wise (and yes, we are separated by several states at the moment), I told her to have fun, experience college to the fullest and make sure she didn't have any regrets; I wanted to be as supportive as I could and show her that I really did love her (it's like that old cliche, "if you love something set it free...").

What I didn't realize, at the time, however, was how strong my feelings truly were for her. We maintained our honest relationship initially (about the first month she was at school), and that included her telling me about other guys she was seeing. Ultimately, I became jealous when hearing about these guys, and coupled with not being able to talk for lengthy periods of time like we had done over the summer (she was busy with classes, spending time with her new friends, as well as competing as a D1 athlete), I pushed her away with my jealousy. I realize now how stupid I was to do so, and I became the opposite of what I wanted to be - supportive, encouraging, etc. In fact, I completely contradicted what I had told her earlier, to have fun, experience college to the fullest, etc. It was extremely immature for me to act that way, and I don't blame her for not wanting to talk to me after that. This much I certainly do regret.

Despite what happened, she still wanted to be friends over the summer, but I was honest with her and told her I couldn't handle a friendship because I still had feelings for her. She respectfully gave me space and we haven't really talked since then. Even if I do tell her how I feel, I think that she probably already knows, and like I said previously, a relationship wouldn't work now, even if she felt the same way. She still has another two years away at school and she has a lot on her plate to deal with. Despite all of these problems, mostly brought on by my stupid and selfish actions, I still think there's a future for us. Whether that's delusional or not on my part, I don't know.

[cmacattack1]

Ah I was gonna say, there's always something that we guys do to mess things up. It's a learning process and it usually takes losing something that we really care about to snap us out of our ignorance. But we all make mistakes and the only thing that can cure that is time. And you have two more years as painful as that sounds.

And you can't change how you feel about something or somebody. That's going to be there no matter how hard you try. I guess all you really can do is focus on yourself and doing what makes you happy. I know that sounds vague and cliche and all that but it will help to pass the time until you guys are able to be together. Keeping an open mind will help you experience all life has to offer. And if you don't want to be with somebody else, don't. We change our minds all the time. Who knows what the future holds.

Try not to build those hopes up if you don't think you can handle the hurt. If you can, more power to you. That's what being a man's all about.

[dcburgh15]

I sincerely appreciate the encouragement and support, cmacattack1. At times I do feel a bit crazy for having such strong feelings for someone I knew for only a short time, but, like you said, I can't change how I feel about this particular person.

That gut feeling has been there since the day I met her, and I think it will always remain there. Once again, I really appreciate your help.

[lovesjoyajm]

I just had a conversation with a good friend who just broke up with her boyfriend of 3 years. They were in a (temporarily) long-distance relationship and she didn't want to be tied down at 21 to someone she wasn't even around. They've discussed the possibility of getting back together when they're back in the same country, same college, next August.

The thing is, while it's fine to hope that you get together in the future, just remember: whether you are together or apart, you will both grow in some direction. Maybe you will both grow in a way that brings you together in the future. Maybe your paths will go in different directions, where if you met up in a few years you wouldn't have the same connection. But until it's actually feasible for both of you to have the kind of relationship you would like with each other, there's really no need to fret over it. I would find it kind of comforting, myself. You're not "losing" her by not being with her for a few years. You're both changing and growing into the people you will be. The time you spend apart will either cement your future relationship with real life experience and growth, or allow you to gently and slowly forget her. Time will tell.

[IndiReloaded]

You should write to her. My husband & I were separated for a year as students and I still have the letters he sent (he kept mine too). Its very romantic and will help keep your relationship alive.

[dcburgh15]

lovesjoyajm and IndiReloaded, thank you both very much for your respective responses.

lovesjoyajm, I completely agree that both of us will continue to grow and change as individuals, perhaps in different directions. She is still fairly young and she still has to experience many new things, including the remainder of her college years. As I've said earlier, I know that any sort of romantic relationship would never work right now because of our circumstances, but it's hard for me not to think about what might be in the future. I really wish I wouldn't worry about what the future holds, and whether or not there is a chance for the two of us to work things out down the line, but it's hard not to think about when she's constantly on my mind. But like Chazza2k suggested earlier, maybe I need to get out of the routine of thinking about her and change up my thought patterns.

In response to IndiReloaded, it's funny that you bring up the idea of sending letters. When we were first getting to know each other, the two of us took vacations over the summer and our only means of correspondence was writing letters to each other; in fact, we jokingly referred to each other as "pen pals." It was so fun and thrilling to share letters with her, and I would be excited whenever I went to the mailbox each day (she was gone for about two weeks and sent me a letter almost every other day). Before she left for school, I gave her a care package of sorts that included a box of cards and stationary so that she could send her family and friends cards (we both enjoy writing). We even exchanged a few cards and letters for the first month she was at school, but those stopped when the two of us stopped talking. I would love to talk to her in that way again - through letters and notes - but I just don't know if she wants to hear from me at the moment.