Difficulty of breaking off an engagement

[Primo]

Okay guys, we will have to agree to disagree.

I'm content with that.

Most people that leave a relationship have the kindling sparked elsewhere, that's just the way it works. Miso made a good point, the motivating factor for both men and women is insecurity. So in regards to karma or whatever we want to call it, if you've had at least a handful of serious relationships in your life, you've been a victim of what I would refer to as the basic dynamics of human nature and Indi would label a lack of moral integrity. Either way, we usually never know it's occurred so no sense losing any sleep over it

Something else to think about FWIW to you. Its just an example to make you think, so don't over-interpret my ego in this:

Indi, if your ego ever shrank or you lowered the strict puritanical code that you so diligently adhere to, it would be devastating

[IndiReloaded]

Primo, I think its funny you assume I am a puritan b/c I believe in commitment and living life with some consistency. I did more in my life before I was 30 than most do in their lifetime. LOL.

Its been a long time since I've had an ex, true. But I still keep in touch with the ones I had, as far back as high school. To varying degrees, but the least of which is an exchange of xmas cards and update on our respective families.

My last ex, who is a successful lawyer and very good man, actually lives not too far from me. We parted years ago b/c it was clear we were on different trajectories, and we made better friends than partners. It wasn't a drama-filled breakup where we ended up hating each other, noone cheated or had another partner in the wings. Perhaps I was just lucky with always choosing very reasonable BFs, or they lucky to choose me or both. But I find that my expectations of behaviour in myself and my BFs tended to be self-reinforcing.

[Primo]

Primo, I think its funny you assume I am a puritan b/c I believe in commitment and living life with some consistency. I did more in my life before I was 30 than most do in their lifetime. LOL

Indi, it was just a dig...do I need to start putting <insert sarcasm here> for you?

I'm sure the positive experiences you had with your ex's are a reflection of who you are and the choices that you made...plus a teeny bit of luck. When I say 'most' I don't always mean you, me or anyone in particular. But it IS the way 'most' relationships and the people involved in them work...

And I have NO DOUBT you were quite the wild child in your day, now stop pestering me little one !

[IndiReloaded]

But it IS the way 'most' relationships and the people involved in them work...

Only b/c most people aren't willing to put in the effort to make something beautiful. Probably b/c they haven't met someone who can tell them the effort IS worth the reward. And thus we come full-circle in the argument.

So, how do we then proceed then? I suppose I can at least base my comments on personal experience: no real bad breakup to ever speak of, good marriage going on 20 years, lovely family and lifestyle. Only a fool would say I'm not doing something right... hmmm?

Expect the worst from others and that is what you tend to get. When you raise your expectations of yourself and others, however, most people try to rise to meet them, I find. I haven't yet met a person that doesn't want to do better, Primo.

Ask Cam sometime about sending women packing who would disrespect themselves. We've had this discussion before, but that's a man I respect and admire. If I were single and overheard that conversation by chance, I would want to get to know that man better.

[Only-virgins]

i think guys do this kind of thing out of insecurity. they want make sure they have the ability to tempt a woman into treachery. or that they are somehow better than the other guy.

Nah, we just like sex.

[Only-virgins]

I challenge this statement. OV, please explain in this particular context how YOU have acted with integrity.

What are the principles you have upheld in this particular context? Are you truly okay with a guy doing exactly the same thing to you? Do you think that sex and relationships are really a free-for-all, in the sense that if you can convince someone to leave their relationship to be with you, this is okay?

How do you expect to keep the type of woman who would NOT leave you for another man who pursues her? You don't hold yourself to the same standard.

I don't need to uphold any principles here as I am not breaking any here. You phrase it wrong. Am I ok with a guy doing that to me? What is he doing to me? nothing. What I am not ok is with her letting him do that. How do I not hold myself to that standard? I completely do, if I was in a relationship I would not act this way because I would cheat. I would have the integrity of breaking the relationship off first.

If you can convince someone to leave their apparently not so significant other than do so if you choose. The relationship is bogus to begin with. Who would agree if they loved the other person truly?

[Cassy]

Dumping a girl is not an option, that ok if she leaves you but if you are aware of the fact that she is just crazy for you then think again it is better to be loved by someone than loving someone.

[Only-virgins]

Dumping a girl is not an option, that ok if she leaves you but if you are aware of the fact that she is just crazy for you then think again it is better to be loved by someone than loving someone.

....what? what the hell are you talking about and what are you referring to?

[bluesummer]

I'm confused by the way some people think. I've had men in realtionships hit on me, married men try to pick me up or hook up with me. Why didn't I do it? Certainly not because I feel it is my duty to keep their relationship together....it's pretty apparent that it's not healthy already. I just don't want to get with someone with that little integrity....someone low enough to cheat on their partner.

I think the issue everyone seems to be looking past is that OV LIKED this girl. I think if she had slept with him and then dumped her fiance, he would've been cool with this, and that's the problem. Having an interest in someone with such little integrity. If OV just wanted to screw her, that's one thing, but wanting a relationship with someone like that is completely another.

The second a guy in a relationship wanted anything to do with me beyond frienship, I wrote him off as a complete scumbag.