Sexual Slump

[lahnnabell]

Okay, I feel kind of bad posting this because I wanted him and myself to work it out together, but I'm kind of at a loss of where to go next...

My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost 4 months now. Things have been wonderful. He showers me with attention, spends ample time with me, and is just amazing and sweet. However, lately we've hit a road block in our sexual activity: He doesn't feel confident in having sex based on how he feels about his own body.

He is absolutely gorgeous at 6' 2", natural athletic build, blue-green eyes, and a killer smile. Problem is he doesn't see it, though I remind him all the time of how attracted I am to him by telling him and showing him.

When we are getting into it he always prefers to go down on me. It's ****ing amazing, but when I'm turned on enough and ask for sex he declines. I love going down on him and do so frequently. We both enjoy each other sexually so that is definitely not the problem.

I've tried talking about this with him and he assures me it is nothing about me, or anything that I've done wrong. He said that it is in his own head and he needs to work it out. The problem for me is that I don't understand what his "working it out" involves. I know he feels terrible that he can't give me something I want, but I don't want him to think that simply feeling bad about it just erases the problem. It's getting to the point where I don't even want to suggest sex because he'll turn me down regardless of how much he says I turn him on.

I've been gentle and supportive in this regard, never accusatory or spiteful. Nevertheless he still shuts down sometimes and doesn't want to discuss it, but I want to understand what's going on. As far as I know he hasn't hit this sort of road block with other women in the past and he has quite a list.

Do I let him "work it out" in his own head? Where does that leave me? I love him and want to be supportive, but it stings to be turned away (even though he'll go down on me still). I enjoy sex a lot, and perhaps my libido is even higher than his.

Another note, he also somehow has it in his head that giving me a vaginal orgasm should be a goal. I've never had one as I've known since I was 10 that clitoral stimulation is what gets me off. He knows this, but after we'd had sex the first few times without me getting off during actual intercourse he became a little discouraged. We talked about it, and I told him that fewer women orgasm vaginally alone and that it's just how my body is. He seems unsatisfied with this reasonable explanation. I'm not sure how to move forward...

[lahnnabell]

Okay, I feel kind of bad posting this because I wanted him and myself to work it out together, but I'm kind of at a loss of where to go next...

My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost 4 months now. Things have been wonderful. He showers me with attention, spends ample time with me, and is just amazing and sweet. However, lately we've hit a road block in our sexual activity: He doesn't feel confident in having sex based on how he feels about his own body.

He is absolutely gorgeous at 6' 2", natural athletic build, blue-green eyes, and a killer smile. Problem is he doesn't see it, though I remind him all the time of how attracted I am to him by telling him and showing him.

When we are getting into it he always prefers to go down on me. It's ****ing amazing, but when I'm turned on enough and ask for sex he declines. I love going down on him and do so frequently. We both enjoy each other sexually so that is definitely not the problem.

I've tried talking about this with him and he assures me it is nothing about me, or anything that I've done wrong. He said that it is in his own head and he needs to work it out. The problem for me is that I don't understand what his "working it out" involves. I know he feels terrible that he can't give me something I want, but I don't want him to think that simply feeling bad about it just erases the problem. It's getting to the point where I don't even want to suggest sex because he'll turn me down regardless of how much he says I turn him on.

I've been gentle and supportive in this regard, never accusatory or spiteful. Nevertheless he still shuts down sometimes and doesn't want to discuss it, but I want to understand what's going on. As far as I know he hasn't hit this sort of road block with other women in the past and he has quite a list.

Do I let him "work it out" in his own head? Where does that leave me? I love him and want to be supportive, but it stings to be turned away (even though he'll go down on me still). I enjoy sex a lot, and perhaps my libido is even higher than his.

Another note, he also somehow has it in his head that giving me a vaginal orgasm should be a goal. I've never had one as I've known since I was 10 that clitoral stimulation is what gets me off. He knows this, but after we'd had sex the first few times without me getting off during actual intercourse he became a little discouraged. We talked about it, and I told him that fewer women orgasm vaginally alone and that it's just how my body is. He seems unsatisfied with this reasonable explanation. I'm not sure how to move forward...

[qwertz]

wait..hes had sex with you but now developed 'issues'..i would say its not down to his worry how he looks but more down to his worry that he cant please you during intercourse..this would point to him not being very experienced?? as most women (me not being one of them) struggle to climax through actual intercourse..

Oh and the fact that you knew when you were 10!! that clitoral does it for you more is just weird.

How old are you both?

[lahnnabell]

I told him before we even began having sex that I need clitoral stimulation to get me off. He said he understood and that he'd willing to play with various positions and strategies for getting me off. I was totally down for this.

After a few times I could see him getting a little discouraged despite how much I was enjoying sex with him. We talked about it again and I reminded him of what I'd said before, paid him honest compliments, and showed him how much I desire him.

I know he's experienced based on how amazing it is when he goes down on me. I've been with other men who have extensive experience in plowing women, but have no idea what to do with a clitoris. For a long time I was convinced that oral sex just wasn't for me until I started dating someone who actually knew what to do.

Sorry it weirds you out, but I was 10 when I figured out masturbation. Got my period when I was 11. It's not that uncommon. Either way, that's just how it went down with me.

Oh, he's 22, I'm 24.

[Primo]

So if I'm understanding this correctly you two engage in every other type of sexual activity, but he's developed an aversion to actually fuc*ing you?

[lahnnabell]

Yeah... Pretty much.

[lahnnabell]

Another note... The reason I say he doesn't feel confident in how he looks is because that is the reason he gave me. When he is feeling undesirable, sex doesn't happen for him apparently. Is he just trying to shoulder the blame in this way to spare me from feeling undesirable?

[nonconformist]

I'd get you off and I have no self confidence issues, call me sometime.

[lahnnabell]

Think I'll pass on the offer, dude. I'll interpret your advice as "ditch this guy", which I will not be doing. Thanks anyway!

[Primo]

Well, from a guy's pov it's pretty odd. The only time I'd ever make an excuse for anything in the bedroom would be when I'm not into the girl, but that's not the case because you two are still together and still sexually active. I would've made my excuse and moved on the next day.

Maybe you'll get some other thoughts on it from some of the guys, but that's about it from me.

[vashti]

He probably has some problems with erectile dysfunction, and doesn't want you to know.

[nonconformist]

No it clearly was just an attempt at humor. I see you are really in love with him and vice versa. He just wants you to be happy and that's all so you should just let him know that how he is carrying himself, being all gloom and doom about his appearance and sexual performance, is making you feel unhappy or any other verb you think will fit. Let him know that you love him (which you probably do on a regular basis) but that you really really really want him to be a lot more self confident.

All girls love self confidence, that is a great art to master and he should learn it.

[qwertz]

I wouldnt be accepting that as a reason. If a guy didnt wanna have sex with me after 4months I would end it unless he had a good enough reason and not an excuse.

And i couldnt be with someone who worries about their body like that...he should be all over you and you him- theres no room for issues like that in a good sex life.

[lahnnabell]

Damn. I was worried my post would only draw quizzical looks from the guys. "He loves her, desires her, goes down on her, but doesn't want to f*ck her? Hell if I know!"

I've never dated a guy that had this issue. I really feel like it's me, but he insists that it's not. When I inquire about it (even gently) it makes him turn inward with embarrassment and shame. I don't want to incite that, but I want to understand.

He'll make statements like, "I want to have sex with you so badly right now... But I can't." And he'll go down on me, or we'll 69 (which he really enjoys because he knows I'm getting off while he is).

He also made a statement the other night that he thinks he's not big enough for me. I don't know how he got that in his head as I've never stated that he's small, or any such thing. However, many of my ex-boyfriends are bigger than he is. I've never told him this, and I never will. He's not small by the average standards anyway, and it does not diminish my desire for him. So, for me, that is not an issue.

Is it possible that my sexual history with bigger men has left me a little stretched out? It sounds ridiculous, but I'm really trying to figure this out here.

[lahnnabell]

he should be all over you and you him- theres no room for issues like that in a good sex life.

He is always all over me. That's not the issue. It's in the heat of things when we're all over each other and I ask for sex that he suddenly switches off and just wants to go down on me, or 69.