boyfriend's ego

[valhensing]

if you are interested, you could read my other post about my bf for more details. Right now, i need guys opinion on this...

My bf has been unemployed for a year now, couldnt even land a job interview even. From a dependable person, he has downgraded into this week little baby who play game all days just to avoid thinking about being rejected... You guys should know the disappointment he has in himself more than me...

I'm on the other hand, graduated 1 year later than him, however, i'd been able to land a few interviews and eventually got a job 2 months before i graduated... Think how much it would affect him...

I have no problem support my bf and i financially, however, my job is very time consuming and i cant even cook dinner anymore, i depend on him for cooked meals after work... Think about how the roles have changed... I know it would make it worse for him, i offered to cook by myself after work several times but he keep insisting on it's ok for him to cook.

The problem is, he doesnt do well at it at all, he stayed late playing WoW and always is sleeping when i got home (8pm...). by that time, i still have to do some more work while being hungry, he would sometime sleep until midnight and i have to wake him up to help me cook (believe it or not, i'm working too much...).

I tried to talk to him about just taking any job, just be positive, go to gym to be fit again and to lift the spirit. But whenever i talk about it, to him, it's because i found a job that i'm able to talk like that. Advice him on writing resume/ finding a job would be flaunting my victory over him. And deep deep deep down in side, i'm afraid he feel bad and hate me whenever he sees me.... He used to talk about how i make him look bad in other people's eyes, how i got a job because i'm a girl/good looking (i'm working as a programmer/developer, the kind who look at the computer sceen all days...), how i dont deserve it... It makes me feel bad as well. I pretty sure i'm accepted because i'm good. For him to deny it is just...

Yes, i know that the best solution is for me to work less... But if somebody here is working in the same environment as i am, they will know it isnt advisable for a fresh graduate to be slacking off. So many things to learn and so many pressure from boss. This also is the job and profession that i chose and love. I'll work less after the current project, would try to make more time for us... but is that enough to turn him from a game addict back to light?

advices please...

[girl68]

Your bf sounds like a dead beat.

[Amena]

It almost sounds that he's feeling inferior and may be trying to drag you down with him...men have a hard time dealing with these issues - their pride takes over...
If he doesn't shape up you'll eventually be feeling very frustrated about the whole thing...good luck!

[BoredGeorge]

Is your boyfriend also a developer ?

Little secret - it is LOT easier for women to get white collar jobs. When you're young and finishing college it is ridiciulously easier for young women to get jobs. It borders on a joke at times.

If you got hired as an inexperienced developer, in the USA, in this climate, yes, sorry to say it is because you are a girl.

[BoredGeorge]

Your bf sounds like a dead beat.

More useful comments from the man hating girl68.

[girl68]

Georgie, I don't hate men, I hate you specifically. I love men!

Sorry, hate is a mean word I should say: I think you're a pathetic for calling me a gender hating person when you're far worse in the "women hating" aspect.

[valhensing]

I'm not in USA, i have worked with friends in freelancing projects before graduate and in the interview, i showed the HR manager that i'm a capable person and i think i am. I'm working hard now isnt because i dont know anything before thus i have to learn them now. I'm working hard because i want to be better than i am now in a short period of time.

If you think i got the job because i'm a girl, maybe i am. But if i know even for a second that i got this job cause i'm a girl, i will quit it because all i want from my job isnt money but the self-satisfaction that i'm good at it and recognition for it.

If you think i think i'm better or more capable than my bf, i can assure you that i dont feel like that for a tiny bit. And honest to god, i mean it. I never expected my bf to support me or for him to fit any pre-defined fantasy. Just being himself is good enough. He just isnt himself now

He studied banking and finance... we all know how hard it is to get a job in that field right now and he refuses to work in other fields or get a part time job...

[BoredGeorge]

I'm not in USA, i have worked with friends in freelancing projects before graduate and in the interview, i showed the HR manager that i'm a capable person and i think i am. I'm working hard now isnt because i dont know anything before thus i have to learn them now. I'm working hard because i want to be better than i am now in a short period of time.

If you think i got the job because i'm a girl, maybe i am. But if i know even for a second that i got this job cause i'm a girl, i will quit it because all i want from my job isnt money but the self-satisfaction that i'm good at it and recognition for it.

If you think i think i'm better or more capable than my bf, i can assure you that i dont feel like that for a tiny bit. And honest to god, i mean it. I never expected my bf to support me or for him to fit any pre-defined fantasy. Just being himself is good enough. He just isnt himself now

He studied banking and finance... we all know how hard it is to get a job in that field right now and he refuses to work in other fields or get a part time job...

Look, you got your job because you are a girl, face it and move on. Then maybe show some compassion to your boyfriend instead of guilting him and looking for a justification to dump him for someone more successful other than by accepting you merely want to date someone more successful. Can't you just accept him for who he is and then help him to improve ?

[MVPlaya]

Look, you got your job because you are a girl, face it and move on. Then maybe show some compassion to your boyfriend instead of guilting him and looking for a justification to dump him for someone more successful other than by accepting you merely want to date someone more successful. Can't you just accept him for who he is and then help him to improve ?

Can me rename BoredGeorge to Misogynist.

To the OP: Ignore this idiot, he's a sexist moron with no clue about life.

Your boyfriend needs to take an active role in developing his job prospects. From the sound of it, he's just letting himself wither away playing WoW and subsisting on poor food instead of doing the necessary work to improve.

You might not be able to do this by yourself, so talk to his friends, not in a condescending or behind his back sort of way, but encourage them to help him improve his condition. Perhaps find jobs and forward them to him so that he can mail out his resume.

Your boyfriend is turning into a little ball of negativity. All your accomplishments don't count since you're female / attractive, all his failures should not be discussed since it hurts his feelings, and in the meantime he should be left alone to play his video games.

You can tread slowly and be in the exact same position a year from now, or you can tell him he needs to start making plans. Tell him its making you unhappy, that you want him to be active again. That a video game player is not what you want in a relationship, and that you want to help him find jobs. Don't make it a conversation about you and whether or not you deserve your job, he's simply lashing out at you to get you to back down. Keep the focus on him.

In relationships, when something is broken women will generally try to fix it or it becomes a problem. Men can suck it up and take it all the way to the grave. Don't think that, left undisturbed, your boyfriend will suddenly find the error of his ways. He needs either a wake up call or a grand opportunity to present itself. Life being what it is, the odds are better for the former than the latter.

[BoredGeorge]

I am not sexist I am a realist. Your the one who is sexist with your double standards.

[MVPlaya]

What double standard? You automatically concluded this girl got her job because of her looks with no ****ing information except a sexist insult thrown at her, which you automatically assume true because you're a sexist tool. All sexists think they are realist. OP: really, ignore this moron.

[valhensing]

@boredgeorge: do you really mean it/ see it that way? because the truth is you're making me feel bad. am i guilting my bf? Should i even be with him if that's what making him feel bad? I would never make it if i'm the one who ruined his life

@MVplaya: the biggest wake up call for my bf is for me to leave him. There is chances that he will take it and turn it to make it a positive motivation to change (i know my bf) . On the other hand, it would be it for me and him, i can never return back with him and there still be chances that he would be crushed. I'm the only thing left for him right now.

I tried to find job for him, i found one actually. it isnt a good job, i told him to take it just to earn some money and lift the spirit in the mean time but he doesnt want to do it. It's a dead end job with him. He wants to return to our country (did i mention that we studied abroad... this isnt our country) and he says he can only change there, start a blank slate.

And that would mean for me to quit my job and the only thing awaiting me back is getting married,ways lower salary and i dont want it yet. I want to return to my country someday. But in my plan, it would be in 1,2 years time.

His friends and other people tried to talk to him as well. He avoids it immediately and i think in guys' world, they dont bother the hassle to keep pressing

I tried to talk to him a lot before. Everytime i talk about it, he either gets angry or increadibly fragile.

A person's future is at stake here people?

[kms]

boredgeorge: please provide some research to support your claim. Having a master's degree in the social sciences, I can say that I've never heard of any research that indicates that it is easier to get a job as a woman. In fact, in the US, women are still paid 75% of what men are paid for the same qualifications, same experience, same position. In many countries in the world, companies will always hire men over women because women are expected to get married, have children, and quit their jobs. If you can't support your claim, then please keep your bigotry to yourself.

Valhensing:

I have been in a very similar situation as you. I was working part time and going to graduate school full time just after getting married. He decided that he didn't want to work right after graduating from undergrad, that he wanted some 'time off'. So we lived off of my student loans (I had to take out the max amount because we couldn't afford to support ourselves) and my meager part time income while he lounged around playing video games and watching anime all day. He would cook sometimes, which I appreciated (he wouldn't clean or anything else though), but he did end up catching our apartment on fire which made us lose the majority of our belongings (and the insurance settlement wasn't even close to being enough). He did finally get a job after I had walked out on him twice... but he put in his two weeks' notice shortly thereafter. I was completely fed up. He refused to talk about any of our issues - if I wanted to have a normal conversation with him (that didn't involve games or anime or something funny), he would run into the bedroom and slam the door. I even enlisted the help of his older brother out of sheer desperation. His brother flew out to stay with us for a few days - and left just as frustrated as I was. I was overworked, stressed, and thinking about quitting graduate school so I could work full time to support us. So finally, I left for good.

It's funny... his dad refused to support our marriage, partly because my ex didn't have a job lined up (and the other part because I was white and they were Asian). Looking back, I should have refused to marry him unless he proved he would be responsible and financially capable.

So yes, I think you do need to make it clear that he has certain responsibilities to make the relationship work. If he doesn't pull his weight, then you're out.

[flea]

Yes, i know that the best solution is for me to work less...

wrong.....the solution is for him to work more.

not just a job, but work on being a better man, and lover than his current efforts. WoW, are you for real? I thought that was for greasy kids that go to sci-fi conventions (or greasy men who still have Chewbacca figures in their original wrapping, lol)?

I feel bad for you, but from what you've described here, I believe it's time to take a stand. MVP has set some great ground-work for you (George, as usual, has contributed nothing), but honestly, if supporting him in that way fails I think we both know what needs to happen.

btw, you are NOT responsible for his life and well-being. you're not his mum (mom), your supposed to be his lady. be his rock, sure....but NOT his whole planet.

[Cbrider]

WoW has to go before anything will change.