Domestic partnership issues...

[chickpea]

Hi everybody;
I am living in the US, in a state that currently does not allow gay/lesbian marriage, but in a city that does allow something called "domestic partnership". This grants gay couples a handful of the same rights as a straight marriage, including the right to visit your partner if he or she happens to be hospitalized, and the automatic transfer of property upon the death of one partner.

Here's my problem. My partner of ten years and I have been talking with our best friends (another female couple) about going to our city hall together and picking up our partnership certificates together- then going out to dinner. We've been talking about this for months, and my partner was completely on board. These women are our best friends.

We were waiting for my partner's birth certificate to arrive from her state, and it finally got here two weeks ago. I began firing off emails back and forth with this couple to try to set up a date- when suddenly, my partner decided that it was too "weird" for us to go together. She claims that this day is so special, we shouldn't share it with another couple.

My beef is this...eight years ago, we had a symbolic marriage in a lovely building. Friends and family arrived from around the country to witness this celebration. We had a full reception after, complete with a band and catered food, etc. It was exactly like a wedding. To me, that was our "special" day- the day that everybody we knew came to observe and celebrate with us. This trip to city hall is more of a political statement. It does not involve a justice of the peace, it's a matter of us handing over two hundred dollars to receive a piece of paper that says we have some rights as a couple.

I don't think it's weird at all to go with our friends- I thought it was perfect and sweet. I had to break the bad news to them, but promised I'd try to convince my partner to change her mind. They were hurt. I've spoken to my partner about my feelings, but she's not wavering. Now, I'm feeling resentful and don't even want to think about going to city hall with her.

Any advice? Any ideas for alternatives? How do I get over my resentment? GAHHHH!!!!

Thanks in advance...

[girl68]

tell your partner that you can go get the certificate together, then you'll meet the other couple later for a dinner.

[lilly1185]

People place their importances on different things. Maybe she simply wanted to go with you to dinner because "wedding" (if it's ok to use that term) was your celebration for the public, this will be a celebration together. It is after all a certificate of togetherness.

Try asking why she feels this way. She might have some valid reasons but is afraid to offend you or feels silly for opening up about them.

I think it's perfectly ok for her to what to go with you, and you alone. She may be feeling overwhelmed especially if you've been spending a lot of time with them lately. She may also feel like they're "butting in", and wants to have some private moments with you.
You say they're great friends? If so, they'll understand. The important thing is to talk, talk, talk.

[chickpea]

People place their importances on different things. Maybe she simply wanted to go with you to dinner because "wedding" (if it's ok to use that term) was your celebration for the public, this will be a celebration together. It is after all a certificate of togetherness.

Try asking why she feels this way. She might have some valid reasons but is afraid to offend you or feels silly for opening up about them.

I think it's perfectly ok for her to what to go with you, and you alone. She may be feeling overwhelmed especially if you've been spending a lot of time with them lately. She may also feel like they're "butting in", and wants to have some private moments with you.
You say they're great friends? If so, they'll understand. The important thing is to talk, talk, talk.

Thanks for your response...
I asked her why she suddenly changed her mind...she said that she didn't think this other couple would get their act together. I'm not quite understanding this, because all that's required is money and birth certificates.

We don't see this couple all the time, and they weren't butting in- we'd all four been planning this for a while.

I guess what it boils down to is that she (suddenly) sees it as private and personal, and I see it as political and worthy of some camaraderie. I just wish she'd apprised me of her feelings before, and not at the last minute.

They really are our best friends and I know they'll be o.k. with whatever we do, you're right.

[chickpea]

tell your partner that you can go get the certificate together, then you'll meet the other couple later for a dinner.

I'm thinking this might be the way to go...maybe we can go and do this one day, the other couple another day- and then hook up at the end of the week for a nice dinner. Thanks for your suggestion...

[girl68]

anytime. and congrats!

[chickpea]

anytime. and congrats!

Thanks! It's one small step, but an important one.

[starbuck]

Congratulations! May you and your partner experience many years of happiness!

The thing about partnership ceremonies is that planning them commonly creates some sort of stress or issue(s) that you and your partner may not agree on. It's a momentous day and you want everything to be just so, and so does your partner, but what if expectations don't mesh?

The compromise Chickpea suggested sounds fair. Your situation is really just a matter of different expectations for the day. Neither one of you are right or wrong.

[chickpea]

Congratulations! May you and your partner experience many years of happiness!

The thing about partnership ceremonies is that planning them commonly creates some sort of stress or issue(s) that you and your partner may not agree on. It's a momentous day and you want everything to be just so, and so does your partner, but what if expectations don't mesh?

The compromise Chickpea suggested sounds fair. Your situation is really just a matter of different expectations for the day. Neither one of you are right or wrong.

Thanks! Yes, I think that's a good compromise. I'll run it past her tonight at dinner...perhaps after she's had a glass of wine! I really do feel better after getting some feedback from others. Sometimes we're so far into our own stuff, we don't see the forest for the trees. Thanks to everybody for the reality check!

[chickpea]

Wow. She is completely unwilling to make any sort of concession whatsoever. She wants to "force" her religious right wing aunt and cousins to observe our union...and if our best friends "choose" to celebrate with us, so be it. I am at a loss for words right now...

[starbuck]

Chickpea, I totally respect that you've fought long and hard to get to this place and you just want to see it be the beautiful day that you've always wanted. But I think there still may be some measure of compromise that you can make here. (If she were here posting I'd tell her the same thing).

Let me ask you this, what would it hurt if her Aunt were there? I know you don't agree with her viewpoints, but has she been rude or mean to you in person? If she has, then fair enough. If she hasn't then, what would be the harm in her coming?

This is still the same issue of mismatched expectations, except for now there are more points of contention. Since both of you sound a little bit stubborn, I found this to be a pretty good article on making compromises if you're up for a little reading:

[url]http://hubpages.com/hub/Compromise_in_a_Relationship[/url]

It has to be resolved somehow or the ceremony won't happen, right? I'm sure neither one of you want that.

[chickpea]

Thanks, Starbuck...
I'll read the link promptly. Her Aunt and cousins haven't been absolutely rude, just "chilly". Plus, her cousins are scattered everywhere...one set in CO, one in FL, another in IL.

I don't understand why our friends, who actually love us, are being shut out of this. I'm not broaching the subject with her again until we've both settled down a bit...now, I'm off to read that link!

Thanks...

[chickpea]

This morning, out of the blue, my partner announced that my concession was a good one and she wants to pursue that route. I double-checked with her, and she maintains it is what she wants. This is such a busy time, I'm not certain we'll become quasi-legal before the new year, but it feels like progress.