BF's anger

[ivl9]

Last night my boyfriend shoved me really hard and called me an a$$ho&e. I'm really in shock about this sudden anger last night. It came out of no where, and the little thing he said warranted that response was so passive aggressive, it is not fair that he would expect someone to cater to him like that.
I'm really disgusted with his behavior. - This is a 31 year old man!
He made a few comments about the window of the apartment being open (just about 6 inches). The window had been open for 48 hours at that point, and about 3 hours earlier he asked me to turn off the AC, and I did (It had been set at a really high temperature-so it happened to kick on for the first time in several days). To me his comments sounded like casual comments. He said it'd be great to have some privacy. I really didn't pay attention to his comments because if he would have gotten up to close it, not a big deal (I certainly wouldn't have gotten upset). Now, I would have turned on the AC (we needed one or the other). Anyway, I was kind of in my own world reading something. I can't always be paying 100% attention to him. After a few comments of his and him growing visually upset, it occurred to me to close it. See that is where the problem is. I'm not a servant for anyone. You can't hold it against someone if YOU are not direct and asking someone to close the window. Still, I closed it and looked at him very casually; He had this HORRIBLY disgusting look on his face and made some mean comment. That shocked me. Why not just a "thanks!" See how that would make someone feel. I sat down and asked why the anger, and then suddenly he started yelling at my dog for her to go to her bed. I was like wooooa, why are you acting like this. what's wrong?! This anger, yelling and horrible facial expressions came out of no where. - We had been having a great night. It is so strange to me that he was the closest to the window and I was obviously busy if I did not even hear him asking ME to close it. This is really passive aggressive and to a really immature extent.
I was shaken by the complete and utter disrespect towards me and now yelling at my dog, too. The yelling and anger. I was in the twilight zone. He started going on and on which just totally overloaded me because I still hadn't a clue why he was so angry in the first place. Seriously it was like he was living some completely different reality in his head than me. He started barrating me for not closing the window earlier the first time he made the comment. I simply told him the truth that he didn't ask me to and that I figured he'd close it if he wanted it closed (which would not have made me mad). He kept reiterating that I should have basically catered to him. What! I was so confused. Not only what horrible communication style but pitiful expectations he had. I was really shocked he was basically coming out and saying this. I said flat out that i was really shocked and he needed to quit yelling and calm down. I asked, so your comments were really like you barking orders at me to close the window. Not really. You don't come across in the (functional) way you meant. I definitely wasn't out to intentionally hurt you anyway so stop yelling at me like this. He suddenly SHOVED me really hard, turned around and called me an a$$ho&e and went in the bedroom sayingj he's packing his stuff to leave.
I was in the twilight zone. completely. I didn't freak out over the physical abuse because if I did wouldn't the fight spin even further out of control. It is NOT OK though for someone out of a lack of their OWN ability to communicate sweetly and respectfully to lash out at me yelling calling me names and shoving me. This guy needs to grow up.
I told him he needs to calm down and sit down to talk about this otherwise I won't have a clue where he's coming from. He first told me to tell my dog to go to her bed because *I* was "doing a powerplay". I told him I was never upset that he wanted my dog to go to her bed, it was the WAY he was yelling that was inappropriate. So 20 minutes later, he was calm, I told him I'd be more than happy to put her on her bed and he calm down and sit down to talk (like an adult) about what happened with him.

OMG this guy is a wack job. I don't know anyone who would even remotely act this way. He needs serious help in a communication and anger management course.

He denied shoving me, said he pushed the pillow because I compared him to a dog ("barking" orders). He wouldn't even address that he shouldn't have shoved me. He didn't apologize for it or for calling me names (he also called me manipulative).

After about 20 minutes he explained that yes he thought I should close the window just in response to him giving "hints". I pretty much explained to him that he can't go from ultra passive aggressive especially while someone is busy and expect anything positive to come out of it. AND he CERTAINLY should find a happy medium, another more direct request from me before going ballistic on someone. That's not fair to anyone including himself to have such unrealistic expectations. I also asked him why he would think that is my job to do that for him. - I asked him if the tables were turned and it was me who was making comments/hints that he should pick up on them and cater to them. And if he didn't would he feel ok with me getting massively angry about it. He had a really hard time imagining if the tables were turned. He actually then said that generally yes he would but some things he has more power about and some things I do. That bothered me that he thinks he is the one who unanimously decides this. I told him I don't agree with that statement fully and that to me everything boils down to respect and being kind in the moment. There's not some preconceived notion about "who has THE power especially in uncharted territories. Why is everything about power to this guy. I told him I felt that way but he was dismissive about it and even got sort of a smirk on his face. Then he made a comment saying something like, "oh you're opening pandora's box now."


Should I bring this up again to him to reiterate that I won't be shoved and called names when something does not go the way he thinks it should... OR should I drop this guy and run for the hills?

In our calm conversation he just expressed himself to the point I understood what went through his mind. I even said I would certainly try to listen more but he should be more assertive and direct. BUT he never once said something he "would try to do" to prevent this from happening again. He even denied shoving me instead of admitting he took it too far. So, I'm suppose to play a game of russian roulette with him for next time something doesn't go his way? I don't think so. It's like he thinks he has no room for improvement, it's everyone else with the problem and he would just act the same way again or something. He DID finally calm down which was good, but I didn't get any reassurance from him that he would stay calm and assert himself better next time from the beginning.

This is really WAY TOO much drama for me.

Have any of you ever dealt with something like this, been unfairly yelled out, called names and SHOVED by your bf/gf all whilst you are completely in a twilight zone (like their behavior totally does not seem to match the moment)??

I don't know what to do. I think this guy is mentally unstable. deep down I think this guy's behavior is driven by a need to control like he thinks he's better than me. Do you see this situation laced with a little sexism/subservient behavior? I'm only interested in someone who sees himself as an equal, and we otherwise would theoretically LOVINGLY talk about who does what.

[vashti]

I think he might have a slightly different version of the story, but I suppose it doesn't matter. If you think he has been abusive and is emotionally unstable, you (obviously) should break up with him.

[ivl9]

But how would someone understand his version of the story and his feelings when all he is doing is yelling and calling names? He is not a little child. He's an adult who should know you have to calm down and speak about what is bothering you. You don't completely disrespect someone in the process of feeling your emotions. Especially with someone you supposedly love. Why should I have to take that with no consideration towards me coming from him? It is ironic.

[Heratriumphant]

You should have let him pack his stuff and leave.

[CocoChanel]

Given, you should have let his ass leave. But if he explodes like this over something that he could have done himself... that is a red flag. You are right... he needs help and I would consider moving out until he does. Please hear me. These are not good signs.

[misombra]

should I drop this guy and run for the hills?

by gawd YES!!! how long have you been with this person? do you live together?

[Cbrider]

I pushed someone.........when I was 12.

[starbuck]

Dump him. Now. If you feel like he's a wack job, he probably is. You know your worth and you would be compromising it by staying with someone who would shove you in an argument.

Honestly, if there's any question that someone might be using or abusing you, he probably is. (This goes for both sexes). Get rid of him and find someone who treats you with civility.

[chrisy]

Run to the hills as fast as you can.

[VioletB]

If I want a window shut, I shut it. Doesn't occur to me to hint at someone else to do it. That alone is a red flag, aside from the whole shoving you thing - which is also messed up. Don't try to understand a whack job, don't try to get him help. Just grab your self esteem and run.

[bluesummer]

If he does it once he'll do it again. Maybe next time it will be more than a shove. People with explosive anger problems go out of control in the heat of the moment. That should scare you enough to tell him to get his ass out.

Oh, and don't buy any blubbering tearful apologies. They're just a way of putting a bandaid on the situation. Been there, unfortunately.

[Primo]

Maybe like 'scared straight' ivl9, you need to go look at some domestic violence pictures of nice women in the suburbs who have half their hair torn out, a swollen eye and blood dried all over their face before they were smart enough to get away...it's not pretty.

[ivl9]

Thank you, Everyone, for your feedback. I knew the answer was to get this nut out of my world. My post mainly was for support and strength, getting it out of my head, and telling someone. (I would not tell my family until this is long over with and even then I'm not sure I will because it's embarrassing I had that garbage in my life at all.) I'd been with the guy for about 1.5 years, but he has traveled for about half of the time. There were some oddball behaviors in the beginning, but the real abuse started when he'd been here for the longest stretch and that was in the last 6 months. It was like a gradient of things that in the moment in consideration of how well everything else seemed, I overlooked and let him chalk it up to a 'sorry I shouldn't have said that'. Now he is just adding to his original offenses and I can clearly see what drives him. Power, control, chemical imbalance, need of a sweet, patient & loving woman to overpower, etc.

He did leave that night after we were calm and actually SPOKE. The next day I told him I was not comfortable at all with how he just let himself go all over the place and how emotionally disrespectful that was to himself and ME. I told him that it didn't get past me that I was the only one who stated an area I could improve in and without a joint effort and seeing he is being accountable for his actions that night then I don't mean a thing I said. He replied that "I did apologize but maybe i did in my passive aggressive way. i'll say it again i am sorry and i will be more assertive and calm in the future..."

Yeah right, that as just lip service and he knows he was lying. What a pitiful manipulative self absorbed creep. The real truth is that he thought himself finally getting calm was just a lesson to ME and that is an apology? I don't think so. THis guy has NO intention of changing his actions. In his head I am still to blame 100% and he will not only do it again in the future, he will punch me and bring blood to my face.

thanks again for listening and giving me support!!!

[misombra]

so, have you dumped him yet?

[ivl9]

Yeah. His style. Passive aggressively. LOL.
I have not seen him since that day. Only IMed with him a couple times. I have DEFINITELY moved on. His problem he doesn't know it. Passive aggressive. I owe it to myself to not get into one more confrontation with him in my life.