How do I get the trust back after his cyber cheating?

[xxstarxx]

Hi there please help.

In September I discovered my boyfriend (weve been together a year) had profiles on over 45 dating, swinging and sex websites. At first he denied going on them, making up an excuse that he only went on them as the sex site sent him a message, then saying they were all old profiles and he doesnt visit those sites now. He eventually confessed that he did go on the sites, out of habit to look at the women's profiles and once I caught him, he weaned himself off gradually. I felt cheated for ages, he had profiles up that said "shy at first but Im sure you can bring out the best in me, interested in exploring the finer parts of a womans body, would like to be dominated, I dont consider myself to be kinky but would love to be tied up or to have sex with your wife whilst you watch, like voyeurism etc etc, would love one to one sex, dirty talk and cam to cam". I also discoevered around this time that he had webcammed with over 100 gay men, women and other couples. Although he has always claimed it never went further than webcamming and he hadnt webcammed in all the time we have been together. But merely looked on these sites out of habit and that the profiles were put on those sites 5 years ago when he was first single.

Im now in a sticky situation, I cannot trust anything he says, some evenings we are chatting on msn and he seems so distracted which makes me think he is looking on those sites again or chatting to other women. A couple of days ago we were chatting about our fantasies on msn and he suddenly seemed so distracted, then when I asked what he was doing he claimed to be on a window cleaning website (hes a window cleaner). So I said ok will leave you to it for a bit then, nudge me when youve finished. Then when he fianlly did finish and start chatting to me he was still distracted and taking ages to reply. By this point he said "oh Im tired now".!!!

I just feel so empty, sad, fed up and alone right now, I feel like hes keeping stuff from me, not being truthful. He is so secretive with his laptop, has loads of passwords on it, yet he isnt secretive with money or anything else, just that pc!!! I also noticed at the weekend he has another contact (woman) on his email (IM, whatever that means) whom he didnt have before.

Ive been with my boyfriend for a year. We had a messy start to our relationship, he was with a woman, but used to webcam with other people and talk sex to me on the internet, then she left him and we started seeing eachother casually as he didnt want a girlfriend but just some fun. (I wanted more). He used to come round my house and never once look me in the eye, have a bit of fun, then just stroll off with his head in the air making me feel used and cheap, but I loved him so much I just took it. Then when we finally got together as a proper couple, he refused to take me to his local pub as he was embarassed to be seen with me, worried about people talking about him etc. Finally got it together and overcome all that and I had problems trusting him as it was a humiliating start to a relationship.

I knew he had a history of webcamming, but he told me he only ever did it two or three times (big fat lie...not hundreds of times which he did in fact do!!!). We agreed back in March when our relationship became "long term" to take ourselves off dating websites (I was only on one and he claimed to be on two or three). Yet he lied to me and was on over fourty of them, and thats just the ones I know about, and didnt remove his name. They have only been removed now as I hacked into some of them (dishonest I know, but he never would have done so).

He claims the camming with men was a phase years and years ago (yet on his msn address he has gay men and swinging couples and hes only had that msn address for a year and a half). He claims he didnt put half of those profiles on those websites (yet they were HIS photo, HIS password) He claims nobody ever contacted him on those sites in the months we were together (but how could that be so if he was on them so frequently?). I made up my own profile and went on to a couple of the sites and basiaclly they were all about sex talk and webcamming, so how could he claim to only go on there to look at the women's profiles??? Im soooo confused. He wont talk about it without getting annoyed with me. He says things arent the same between us now and is cross with me as I am always questioning him now. We see eachother most nights, but I never have a clue what he is getting up to, both at work (he works for himself) or when hes at home on his laptop every evening before coming to my house. I also cant forget the way in which he used to have a girlfriend but yet chat to me every minute he could on msn. And I cant help feeling when he acts distant with me, if he is chatting with someone else, as he did when he was with his ex girlfriend. Hes not a bad person, caring and thougtful, well respected.

Please please help me either I need to learn to trust him (how do you do that when your emotions are raw?) or walk away.

[LatinoItaliano]

He's already shown you that he doesn't respect you, so why would you want to be in a relationship with a cheater?

Cheating begins in the mind, so yes, he has cheated the second he even imagined himself with another woman/man.

I'd just break it off with him if I were you. If he lacked respect for you back then, he still lacks respect for you now, and is only talking to you simply because he hasn't anyone else to see right now. Sorry, I only read the first paragraph, because it didn't take much else to make me know he's definitely not good for you.

You might be clinging onto him because you're thinking you will not find someone else?

You'll be lonely and bored without him?

Or...?

The longer you stay with a cheater, the longer it's going to be finding someone who is good for you. Let trash hang with trash. He doesn't deserve you. If you're thinking in your mind "Easy for you to say!" you'd be correct, because I can clearly use logic to judge this situation since I have no deep emotions tangled in its midst.

Emotions can blind us many times in our life. We need to let logic and sound reasoning overcome these emotions which keep us in these abusive/bad relationships.

[xxstarxx]

Youre right, he doesnt show me respect. After what he did I was expecting flowers, chocolates, anything just to prove how sorry he was. What I got was him saying "Im no good for you, find someone who will treat you better". Then when we did try and put it behind us I spent the past 2 months checking up on him and questioning him.

Its easy to say I will find someone else, but I am a single mum to 3 children. After my husband walked out I had lots of men all wanting me for just sex that werent interested in me as a person, and even less interested once they found out I had 3 children.

Thanks so much though, what you have said deffo makes a lot of sense. x

[girl68]

3 threads, same topic.

[xxstarxx]

Sorry hun....was just desparate for advice really, thanks chick!

[lilly1185]

One is enough I promise. There are many people who frequent all areas of the forum.