Have I made a HUGE mistake?

[Dankarella]

I had been dating my boyfriend for 6 1/2 years. I know the 7th year of a relationship is always the hardest. We have been through a LOT in those 6 years, from moving across the country together, and back, to working the same jobs together, always being with each other and doing everything together. He said he knew he wanted to marry me only after knowing me for a few weeks. I knew it too, even when my Grandma first met him 6 years ago, she was like "Jenn! This is the One!." We probably would have gotten married if we didn't move across the country together to go on a fun adventure. We are both 27 years old.

When we moved back to our hometowns a little over a year ago, things went downhill. First of all, the energy of our hometown area, south suburbs of Chicago, just isn't right for us. I felt the dreariness as soon as we came back, and he did too. He couldn't find a job, had very bad luck, and eventually just stopped looking altogether. He sort of gave up and went into a shame spiral. We were stuck living in a studio apartment this whole last year. During this time, the stress of me supporting us with 2-3 jobs, and not having any room to get away from each other when we needed space, has seemed like it destroyed our relationship. Our plan originally was never to permanently stay in Illinois, we were going to maybe stay a few years, long enough to get married, and then move somewhere else and move on with our lives...But this place has sucked the energy out of him...

We are extremely compatible in every way, but in another way we are complete opposites (opposites attract), so our arguments sometimes got very explosive., as in very emotional. We just seemed to make stupid drastic decisions during those arguments. He would say very hurtful things and push my buttons, and tell me "if you don't like it, then move out!"
And during the heat of the moment, I actually would move out, it happened a few times in the past year, this is the third time now. But if I could just turn back time I would NOT have done it this last time. Even through the bad stuff, we had a great time with each other, and got along with each other 80% of the time. And even though we do have passionate fights, we have a great knack for forgiveness, and a day or two later, we would be back to being our happy selves once again.

It's been a little over a week now, and I have been a complete wreck for most of it. We have been talking on and off and being civil to each other, though we are very hurt right now. We even hung out one night and played Risk, and enjoyed each other's company again. He stopped smoking both cigarettes and weed since the move out. He also got a temporary job for the next 2 months, but it's random gigs here and here through his friend. He finally took care of his drained motorcycle battery, and now he's working on renewing his truck plates. Perhaps next he will tackle his credit card mess, he let all his bills and student loans go into collections last year. But I believe baby steps will get him on the right track eventually. He is off his life path by a good 3-5 years. I also believe that the weed is robbing him, he actually lost a very good job opportunity a year ago because he failed a drug test. So I was happy to hear that he hasn't been smoking.

He is a depressed individual in a way, and believes that he has no purpose in life. He has told me numerous times during the past 6 years that he just wants to die.

I have written him a letter last week making it clear that if he would just put his life back in order, we could pick up where we left off. On the phone last night, we were trying to figure out where we stand with each other.

My view: I just want him to get his life back in order, and he seems to lose motivation when he is with me, because me being there makes it easy for him to just not do anything. (but truly, I believe it is our location and the pot smoking that has stolen his motivation) I felt like I had no choice in leaving, because he would not take any steps to get his life in order and take the next step in our relationship, and by forcing him to live alone he will have to start doing things for himself.

His view: He is torn. One part of him wants to move on and just forget about me and not deal with the past year any longer. He is sick of getting hurt. He is afraid if I move back in, I will just move back out again. He also told me that he still loves me, and he is afraid he WILL be making a horrible mistake by letting me go.

I told him that all I want him to do is get his life back in order, so that we can move on with our lives TOGETHER. If we can get through the bad stuff, if will just make us stronger and things will be better in the future. I just want him to feel like he has a purpose in life. He knows he may have lost a good thing with us, but I told him he hasn't, he just needs to get his life back on track... Sometimes I want to do something drastic like get pregnant with him, because I know having a kid would give his life purpose. All of our friends are married and have kids now, but I KNOW that would be a mistake to do it that way, and don't want it to happen that way... (Though I look at our one friend, who I KNOW got pregnant to force her boyfriend to take the next step, and now they are happily married)

I hope that we can stay friends with each other for the time being. I can't BEAR to lose him, even if I can't have him as my husband someday...

[Gigabitch]

First of all, forget that "friends" thing. There's no way two people with as much passion as you share could ever be friends.

I think your lives are so entangled, it's not just a case of him putting his life in order, but you putting your collective lives in order. You might not be married on paper, but you two are like a two headed monster at this point, you're so close.

Get the **** out of Illinois, right now. I don't care what you have to do, but do it. You can get jobs at Club Med or something, some kind of job where you are provided with housing as well as kept very, very busy. That man needs to get his self-respect back. Losing his self respect is a crippling blow for a man- you have to understand the male psychology on this- it's very different from your own. You were right when you said he's gone down a shame spiral. I'm worried about him, and I don't even know the guy.

I'm glad he quit smoking. Cigarettes are just plain bad for you and the combination of depression and weed turns into this quicksand kind of thing that is almost impossible to get free of. He's got a tiny bit of momentum going from this blowout fight- use it. Pack your bags (and his, since he's probably too apathetic to do it) and get out of there.

[moonfairy_2002]

You cant make someone do something. They have to want to change on their own. Be encouraging and stick around for as long as you feel comfortable, but dont let him bring you down.

[lhn]

I would say you guys sound like you are made for each other. On a very loving-level... which is a great thing to have and something I sought after.

Just a couple of things from me... firstly, you both need to step back a minute and take a reality check. Look at what you have, the great foundation you have both built and the love you have for one another. The things that really matter are what needs to be concentrated on.
You sound like you are both in a 'rut' but have realised it before it's too late. You're right, he needs to pick himself up, dust himself down and get back out there... into the real world.

It's not just a one-way street through. You need to stop walking out on him. Thats not fair, whether you have had an argument or whatever. Go into a different room and slam a few doors but don't go from one extreme to the other because of an argument. You both mean more than that.

The weed smoking can be negative although don't lay blame on it. A drug debate can go on forever about the pro's and con's but from a practical point of view... how can he afford it without a job?
I smoke it sometimes and i have nothing but positive things to say about it. I work a fulltime job and have a part-time job; a healthy family relationship etc etc so smoking it is not a coffin.
Anyway... back on subject...

Ultimately, perhaps a break would be healthy for u. Don't be ashamed to need it or to ask for it. Wonderful things can happen when you have been apart for a while.

[flea]

I WAS this guy about 12 years ago! I agree with moonfairy, he/she said all that needs to be said.

I will say this though, it was the baby thing that was a turning point in my life. I'm not saying get pregnant to 'fix' him, but perhaps you two could discuss it once you get a few things in order.

[Creativejeanius]

Whatever you do DO NOT GET PREGNANT! I repeat DO NOT! That is the worst possible gamble you can take. If things do not work out it will not only will the two of you never be able to cut ties with each other and both be forced to deal with someone you despise for the rest of your life, but you will be robbing an innocent child of the opportunity to grow up in a loving household. Think of how many lives you would be effecting and how that "plan" could just go wrong. DO NOT DO IT!

With that being said I understand where you are coming from. I just got out of a 7 year relationship myself. To be honest, it should have ended a long time ago. The thing you really have to ask yourself is if this man of yours is just going through a rough spot, or are there ingrained personality flaws which will always be there. You said he is off his life track by 3-5 years. That is a long time i know what it is like to be with a depressive person. My ex, despite her great potential (she is extremely book smart, and stunningly beautiful) never thought much of herself and had confidence and depression issues since I have known her. She was also suicidal at points and emotionally, she was a very weak person.

Once you determine if it is a rough spot or engrained issues, you then have to ask yourself if you can deal with them, then if you want to, and then whether it is in your best interest to do so. My ex's issues placed a huge burden on me and the relationship as I always felt like I was carrying around the mental baggage for the two of us. It was exhausting and it caused me to act in ways I never would have with a healthier person. There were multiple times where I wanted to end the relationship but didn't for multiple reasons including me worrying that if I left her she would not be ok, me feeling like a monster if i did so, and also attachment and comfort.

The thing is this. You have to worry about yourself first. Your relationship, much like mine, sounds like it is draining the life out of you. Although this may sound selfish, but you have to remember you cannot help anyone else if you yourself are a wreck. My great grandmother had a saying. "If you stay with a cripple you become a cripple." Don't let this ruin your life. You are not doing anyone any favors if you arestaying with him out of pity or a sense of obligation. In reality your just adding fuel to the fire and continuing a vicious circle.

You could also be hurting him by staying with him. Did you ever think that maybe you are a sort of security blanket for him? Perhaps as long as you are around and he has you to fall back on, he will never truly be motivated. Maybe, although it is hurtful, the best thing for the two of you is to spend some time apart. And trust me, seperating will hurt, but sooner or later it will heal.

If you have determined that these are issues which are not going away, and if dealing with them are going to hurt you (and him) do what Gigabitch said. Get the **** out of there. In the long run the two of you will both b better off. I know it is not what you want to hear. I know what it is like to be extremely attached to a relationship but it is better to cut it off now than delay the inevitable. And no, you will not be able to be friends. But you will get over that

[flea]

If you have determined that these are issues which are not going away, and if dealing with them are going to hurt you (and him) do what Gigabitch said. Get the **** out of there. In the long run the two of you will both b better off. I know it is not what you want to hear. I know what it is like to be extremely attached to a relationship but it is better to cut it off now than delay the inevitable. And no, you will not be able to be friends. But you will get over that

how's SHE supposed to determine if these issues are irreparable? they're HIS issues (well, that's her side of the story anyway).

Dankarella, if you think he's what you really want, then stick by him because from personal experience I can tell you that these things CAN work out. please don't mistake that for being an iron-clad guarantee that it WILL work out, but if you believe this is worth fighting for, then do it. don't listen to flippant suggestions of throwing away everything because of a bad run, search deep inside yourself and ask "is this truly the man I love and want to be with?"

as long as he doesn't abuse your love, and the answer is yes....fight to hold on.


good luck.

[Dankarella]

We did take a break once, right after we moved back to Illinois. We had moved straight into his parent's house, and it was sort of awkward since we weren't married. On top of that, he soon failed a drug test trying to get his old job back working at his Grandpa's machine shop! He had made good money working there before we moved away, and ever since that event he just sort of fell into a shame spiral. He blamed me for moving back, and for the problems we were having and just sort of took it out on me. I got so fed up that I moved out of there and into my friend's house (where I'm at now, actually).

We took a little break from each other at that time, and even "officially" broke up for a few days/weeks. He ended up getting a part-time job, and we kept in touch every couple of days. He later realized I was the one he wanted when he started talking to another girl and just wasn't interested at all. After 3-4 months, we were living with each other again, in the tiny studio apartment. It was a little apartment above his aunt's house, the same apartment we lived in BEFORE we moved out to Utah! It was like we were back at square one!

But a few weeks/months went by and he quit his part-time job (He has a tendancy to quit jobs he isn't happy with) He was SO unhappy with it, making minimum wage and would always complain that we should never have moved back here... I know his ego was bruised, he went from making so much money, to making so little...

A running theme for our large fights was him yelling at me to "move out" almost as if he was still hurt from the first time I did it. I admit, we would do really stupid drastic spontaneous things while fighting. We just couldn't seem to grasp that if we just left each other alone for a little bit, we could cool off enough to talk reasonably again.

I just pray and hope that we can try it all again fresh, with no outside influences this time such as weed and our computers! And with him working and helping out this time! Our relationship has taken a serious blow this past year, since he didn't have a job, he would stay in and play computer games all day, he didn't have the motivation to do anything. I would also stay in and browse the internet, our computers were on the same desk, so even though we were WITH each other, we were ignoring each other. We didn't have the money or motivation to do fun things together like we used to. Sometimes I just wished our motherboards would have burned out...

The sad thing is, we had been waiting for a 1 bedroom apartment twice as big as what we had been staying in. It is in the same house, right next door to our place. His aunt and uncle kicked out that tenant back in July, and it has been sitting there under construction this entire time. Right before I moved out 2 weeks ago, they were saying they would get back to finishing it up and we could have it in another month. Even though the rent would have almost doubled to $575, I was hoping that would be a good reason for him to finally get a job. This whole time he has been paying his half of the rent by working for his Grandma doing yard work every month.

I don't even care that it will take him a few years to get his life back on track. I don't even want kids for another 5 years... I just wanted us to get married, and be each other's families and be able to count on each other.

He has been doing well by himself. We have both quit smoking weed. He also quit smoking cigarettes. I found where he could start an electrical apprenticeship, but they are not accepting new people, so maybe in a few months though... We had a long talk the other night about us. I don't know what will happen next. We both are afraid that we are making a huge mistake breaking up, or if it will be an even bigger mistake and more heartbreak to try it once again...

One thing is for sure, we'll both miss each other extremely if we really are done...
I always thought that we would be one of those old couples that would die within a few hours/days of each other...

[flea]

I want you to know that my previous posts were based on me being a bit of a weed-head and kinda lazy around the house, etc. my partner and I had a few squabbles about it, but NEVER 'had a break' or had one of us move out or anything like that. I also worked a full-time job and we payed our way together as far as bills and stuff were concerned. I guess I wasn't that guy after all! I did have a few-month period after I left the Navy where I was just bumming around like that, but that changed when we moved in together.

what I'm saying is that he's starting to sound a little too wrapped-up in his own shit and dragging you down with him, this is what I meant earlier by abusing your love. it's tricky with so much time invested already in this relationship, I wish you the best and hope it all works out for you both.

[Dankarella]

Yea, I think I said before, that he feels he has no purpose in life, so that is why he let his life go down the tubes. He said he just wants to die. He let his credit go to crap, but cared so much about my name that he was never ever late on his motorcycle payment which I am the primary name on. He always somehow came up with that money each month. He only has 5 months of payments left on it...

And the funny thing is, I had never smoked weed before I met him. I had always wanted to try it, so I just jumped right in. I even had a really bad trip one of the first times I got high and got angry at him that he was "like this" all the time. But for some reason I continue to smoke it and gradually over the years we just smoked more and more. He had even told me that before he ever smoked it, he was SO against it as a teenager. He was afraid that he would get hooked, and he was right.

I want to try a relationship with him without the weed. I just don't think we can continue on like that anymore. Like I said, I just pray that we can start on a truly "clean" slate with each other... He just needs to find his path, that way we can both move on together...

[Gigabitch]

Where is his family in all of this? If my son/nephew/cousin were acting like such a loser, I'd have something to say about it.

[Dankarella]

The person he is closest to is his Grandma. He usually goes to her whenever he needs to talk about something. She is the one he has openly told that he smokes weed, and he also told me he told her last week that he quit smoking it. She was surprised, and I'm sure happy. His Grandma has been helping him out the past year by giving him jobs to do around her house and horse stables for some money. She also paid off a semester of college that he decided wasn't his thing. She convinced his Grandpa to let him have his job back last summer, but my boyfriend screwed up the drug test. My ex really respected his Grandpa, so that was a real blow to his ego at that time.

Around that time last year, his mom called me up asking me what was going on with him. I told her he was really depressed, and that I didn't know how to help him, she didn't know either. He has always had a father figure in his life since he was 5 and he respects him, but he never knew his biological father. In fact, his family sent his mom away to a convent when she was pregnant with him because she was only 18 and they were ashamed, I think. His family's story is strange, he doesn't even know all the secrets in his family. His second cousin was actually the person that killed Dime-Bag Daryl!

He has always done his own thing and always said he felt like the black sheep of the family, he was living on his own supporting himself when he was 16 years old! He was working at his Grandpa's machine shop at that time. Actually come to think of it, he was kicked out of the house because his parents didn't like the weed smoking. They also took him out of a nice private Catholic high school and put him in the run-down public school, and ever since that time, he has hated his life pretty much.

We were renting an apartment in his mom's Sister's house. His aunt and uncle lived underneath us. They helped us out by giving us really low rent. They were also going to let us have the larger apartment next door, but for the past 3-4 months it has been sitting under construction, no work being done. They KNEW how much we needed a larger space. They have heard us fighting before, and part of the reason they were going to give us the larger apt. was because of an especially nasty fight this past summer. We told them we needed a larger space, more elbow room. But instead, it sat there with drywall dust all over the place...

My family is broken up, my dad and brothers all live in a house together practically in poverty, and my mom went off to start a new life. I always thought of my boyfriend as MY family. I think that is why this is so devastating for me... I know my parents weren't the best role models, that is why I feel like I cannot give up on us...

[flea]

not knowing your father can get to you wether you want to admit it or not.....I'm the poster-child for that. mine has never made ANY contact with me (after about 3 months of age), period. he was young, and a punk wuss that handed me a few issues by way of his absence, but you get over it..

I'd love to tell you to hang in there and everything will be fine, but honestly, he can only help himself. any drug is a major challenge to let go of, particularly if you're deeply entrenched in it (been there done that, for over a decade), but ultimately you have to WANT to let it go. love and support is helpful, but all for not if you simply have no intention of changing your ways. oh, and for the record - giving it away doesn't automatically make you all of a sudden "better"....that's a myth. it takes baby-steps and positive change in all aspects of your life to get things happening, I believe it's probably at least 80-90% mental. but the worst thing he can do is dwell on black-sheep this, and supporting-myself-at-16 that. he needs to stand up, dust himself off, and realise that there's still plenty left in this life for him to do. that, and he's got a great girl to do it with! I hope for your sake that he does it.


oh, and as a guitarist...your boyfriends second cousin pisses me off, DD was one of the few metal pickers with real feel. nothing to do with this topic, just thought I'd throw that that down.

[Dankarella]

A little update:

It's been 2 1/2 weeks now since we "broke up." Since then, we text each other just about every other day, we've played some computer games with each other from our own places and have even hung out 4 times, 2 of those times I have spent the night. I guess for now we are at a "friends with benefits" level. This is how it was last year when we took our break from each other. We are able to talk about what happened with us, and analyze it, and he is very open with me and says that right now he is ready to move on. But he also says that he still cares about me and really enjoys hanging out with me and enjoys my company. He says he doesn't want to lead me on, and feels bad when he asks me to come over, but I think of it as keeping him interested... I think he is still confused, and doesn't really know what he wants. One thing is for sure, we don't want to lose each other as friends.

Part of that openness is him telling me that since the breakup, he's been very happy and motivated. (since the breakup, I've been absolutely devastated.) Like I have said in earlier posts, he is taking steps to put his life back together. He is going out and doing things, running into old friends, etc. He seems to think that when he was with me he loses all motivation to do things, but I don't want to believe it. I would ask him "But why?" and he would say "I don't know..." I do see it to a certain extent, but I truly believe it was mainly the weed that did it. We would both just sit at home smoking all day, and even though I am a very driven individual, he sort of pulled me into his shame spiral for the past year. But I still kept pushing for us, and working...I even have a college education, but I've also had a very hard time finding a stable full-time job in the past year. I'm stuck at a part-time job not using my degree...

Neither of us has smoked weed since the break up, and neither of us even really miss it. It is a psychological, and not a physical addiction. It hasn't been hard at all to let that go. And even when he is around his best friend who smokes it like every second possible, he doesn't have any desire to smoke it.

He thinks that things are just way too messed up and broken between us to try it yet again. But I say I want to try it again without the weed factor this time. He says our arguments are too explosive, but I think we just need to learn from the past and practice better coping skills. I really do know that I wouldn't make the same mistakes again... I would be strong enough to leave and go to the library or something, or take a drive and come back when we are calm enough to talk instead of scream, lol. Maybe even go out before it gets to the point where we feel like screaming at each other.

I ask him what his mom said when she heard about us breaking up, and she said "As she probably should have. We liked Jenn..." His friends just laugh not taking it seriously saying we'll probably just get back together again in a week.

I really don't know what to expect. I know we definitely aren't going to be moving back in together anytime soon, but I have a feeling things aren't over yet. Last time I spent the night, before we went to sleep, he said "Maybe it is just a break..." I then told him that if by the time we are 30 and neither of us has been successful with anyone else, then we should get back together, and he said "Deal." (We're both almost 28) And he is notorious for waking up in the middle of the night and saying things, early that morning he said "Jenn, I'm sorry...I screwed up everything."

argh, maybe we just have to go through this in order to TRULY know what we both want. It's just SO painful...

[Gigabitch]

I guess for now we are at a "friends with benefits" level. This is how it was last year when we took our break from each other.

:cackle: That is NOT a break.

He thinks that things are just way too messed up and broken between us to try it yet again.

Frustrating. He's such a frickin' quitter.

Okay, so you're exploring other options now, both of you? How's that going to work, with you still sleeping together and all?