VERY Long Read: My Marriage Is In Ruins, Please Help

[ChristianonLI]

Four months ago I got married to a wonderful woman. The wedding was perfect and the day after we embarked on our honeymoon. A week later we came back to start our life together. We were so in love and the relationship had been 2 years of loving bliss.

Four months later I'm sitting on my couch. She left me three weeks ago and ever since I've been an emotional wreck. She says she doesn't love me anymore and she puts all the blame for the destruction of the marriage on me. I miss her so much but she refuses to try and work it out. She doesn't have a shred of emotion or love left for me.

At the start I was heavily addicted to World of Warcraft. I would play it day and night. I stayed up late every night playing. My wife had lived with me for a few months before the wedding but she never once complained about this.

About a month into our marriage she came to me with concerns. She wasn't sure what direction the marriage was headed due to my habits, not just WoW but also my heavy smoking and my poor diet. At first I was a little annoyed, I didn't want to make such drastic changes to the habits I had grown so comfortable with. Nevertheless, I obliged her requests. The next day I filled a prescription for Chantix to quit smoking, a week later I joined a gym and I began to cut down on the WoW. I stopped playing in the evenings to spend time with her and only played after she went to bed. I thought I had fixed the issues.

Apparently not. She began to complain about how I never went to bed as the same time as her. I realize now I should have absolutely done this but my response to her was "I'm not tired, I've always stayed up late."

"Well, sometimes I cry myself to sleep at night," she said. "If I'm going to bed alone, what's the point of me being here? I might as well be home in my own bed."

I didn't think it was so serious, but I was wrong. A few days after that initial discussion about my habits we took a drive out east from our apartment. My whole plan was to drive and see the sights with no destination. I thought it would be a great way to spend a nice afternoon, but on the drive back she became angry because I didn't have a better plan. "If we hadn't hit the ferry port you would have just kept on driving," she said angrily. It was that day that I began to feel something was wrong.

As the weeks went on I quit WoW on my own. I played other games at times to keep myself busy in the evenings but I began to notice that every time I tried to get close to her, she showed no interest in me. She didn't want to talk, or cuddle and she definitely stopped showing any interest in sex. I was confused and a bit hurt, I didn't know what was wrong.

I began to take notice of her habits, and then suspicion began to set in. She would go to the gym 3-4 times a week after work and spend lots of time with her parents and her sister. Most nights she wouldn't get home until 7 or 8 and her job closed every day at 5. She would spend the rest of the evening either chatting on Facebook or texting on her cellphone. According to her, it was always with her sister. One or two times while she was chatting I tried to cuddle up and she freaked out, accusing me of trying to sneak peaks at her computer screen. This confused me, why would she be so concerned? Was there something she was hiding?

We began to grow even more distant. We'd go out with friends to dinner and she wouldn't be social at all. She would text the entire evening, never looking up, never engaging anyone in conversation. Just texting constantly, grinning slyly. I began to wonder the worst: "Was she having an affair?"

Some time after that she went to a Yankees game on a Saturday. However, she stayed over her mother's the night before, went to the game the next day but didn't even return home until Sunday. "I went to see friends in Brooklyn," she said. She also freely disclosed that the person she went to the Yankee game with was a divorced male friend with 3 kids. Why would she even go to a baseball game and not take me along? "You don't like baseball, that's why," she said.

We began to talk about counseling, but we never got that far. A month ago we went to a movie and while there, I got into an argument with someone on line at the concession stand. That person had been fighting with the clerk behind the counter and I stepped in to defend the clerk, thereby making a scene. Apparently she'd been so embarrassed by my getting needlessly involved that she said if we'd taken her car she would have left me at the theater that moment and gone home. She chastised me about my attitude, said I had no respect for anyone and that she didn't want to have children with someone like that for fear I would teach our children to be like that. This really hurt, she had wanted children with me so very much for so very long and I was just finally starting to warm up to the idea.

The day after that, I lost my job of 10 years. I lost it because of the same attitude I exhibited at the theater, too. I got home, I complained about what happened, but she didn't try to comfort me at all. At 5 she said, "I have dinner with my parents, see you later." She didn't even think to invite me. So she leaves and a little while later I text her, asking to go.

"I'm sorry, you can't go, we have relatives coming," was her reply.

WHAT? I freaked out. Wasn't I relative? I asked what that meant and she said that was her mother's response. Still, I didn't understand what that was about. I was her husband, why wasn't I required to go? At that point, I made a terrible mistake. I accused her of lying and demanded to know where she really was going. The reason for me not being allowed to go was so ridiculous the only other possibility in my mind was that she wasn't with her parents but with another man. Later on I saw that Facebook comments on her wall from hours before I even got fired supported the dinner with parents plan.

The rest of the week we mostly argued and I got her to admit the following: "I just don't love you as much as I used to, I've been feeling it go away for a while now." I was confused as Hell. After quitting smoking, going to the gym and cutting down on video games I thought I was doing what she wanted, but she only turned her concerns to my attitude which was something that's not as easily changed as physical habits. Every argument didn't start out hostile either. All I tried to do was talk to her, to reason with her, but it would eventually devolve into arguing. That Friday, after another fight, she picked up and went to stay at her mother's for the night. The following day we had a public Facebook argument on my wall and she said she was coming over, according to her, "to get some of my things." I interpreted her words as she was coming to take everything.

But then I made a huge, fatal mistake. As she was on the way over, I told my parents who live upstairs (our apartment is in the basement) to not say anything or start trouble. My mother proceeds to tell me to make sure I get back the engagement ring because it was a family heirloom. Which it was. It belonged to my grandmother and I had it fitted with a new stone to propose to my wife. Without even thinking, as my wife was packing, I asked for it, and she flipped out. According to her, asking for the engagement ring back was me severing the ties and kicking her out! I understand the symbolism now but as the words came out of my mouth I didn't see it. I tried to explain this to her but she would hear nothing of it and wouldn't take it back. Instead of just taking some of her stuff, she packed up every last thing she had in the apartment and left, but not before I could sneak the ring into one of her bags without her knowing.

The next week was Hell. I tried to talk to her but she wouldn't listen. Finally I got her to agree to a meeting. Upon meeting she declared our marriage over and there was nothing that could be done to revive it. "I can't go back to someone who treated me that way," she said.

I asked how I treated her. Apparently all the while she felt ignored and second rate because of the video games, even after I quit WoW and played playstation to pass time. She said our sex life was too predictable and that I just cared more about the video games than her. I swore it wasn't true and tried to explain that she'd been pushing me away for weeks so I started to try less hard because I knew she wasn't interested, but that didn't matter.

"I never felt once like you even loved me," she said.

This broke my heart. It really did, because I do love her. I wanted to do everything for her, give her a happy life but the marriage was so young. There were things I still needed to learn about relationships. I was so certain I showed her love. I had changed so much about myself to suit her and was prepared to change more to keep her happy, but she just wasn't happy.

So, fast forward three weeks. I've tried to talk to her and profess my love for her, but nothing moves her. She doesn't miss me at all. She hangs out with her parents, her sister, watches football and goes to work. She doesn't miss me, she no longer loves me and she refuses to even think about trying again, all because of the ring incident. I tried to explain I didn't mean it the way she interpreted it but she doesn't care. She has her mind made up and no amount of pain she knows I'm going through can warm her heart. She plans to file for divorce and move on with her life without me, in spite of the love we shared for years, in spite of all the wonderful memories we shared. In the space of six to eight weeks she stopped loving me and wants nothing to do with me.

Is that even possible? I thought love was stronger than that. I thought that when two people loved each other they could overcome all adversity. I tried so hard to fix the marriage the last three weeks, but she doesn't want to try. She gave up on me in just three months and I am completely, utterly devastated. I feel like my life is truly over. I spend every minute of every day thinking about this, wondering what I could have done differently, trying to think of something to say to her that can convince her I always did love her and never meant to hurt her. I just cannot see my life going on without her in it.

I don't know what to do anymore. Her friends and family all now refuse to talk to me and I have no one on her side to turn to who might try and talk her into trying again. I can't force her to love me but she just doesn't want to try and I don't understand why. This was not how I learned love to be.

Please, someone help me.

[IndiReloaded]

Chris, if you want help, post a short summary. Bullets are good.

Then, if details are needed, we will go back for them. But 'walls of text' generally make people give up and move to the next thread.

[ChristianonLI]

I'm sorry, I had to tell the complete story, I didn't want to leave any details out. I didn't want anyone who reads it to be misled or misinformed as to the full nature of the situation.

[IndiReloaded]

Full story is fine, but post a summary for those who don't want to read the whole thing right away.

Up to you.

[misombra]

sounds pretty bad. when girls feel neglected it's really hard to get over it. the video games and staying up all night and all that is not a fun thing to have your husband doing.

however she seemed unwilling to work it out for whatever reason. and it seems like she was looking for any reason to leave you. sorry. i doubt it was the ring.

her going to a yankee game with some other man was a horrible thing for her to do.

i'm sorry this all happened. i propose you find another woman who loves you, is willing to work out problems with you, and learn from this. this girl sounds like she's not in a place to be married right now.

[Only-virgins]

Seriously the WoW thing has to go. Your wife is waiting for you to hold her as she falls asleep and you are slaying ****ing demons. Though it does seem like she left in a hurry with no attempt to fix things, something must have repulsed her really quick.

[ChristianonLI]

I know. I quit WoW entirely weeks before she left. I did virtually everything she asked as to the best of my abilities but she wasn't happy and it doesn't make sense. I never thought it meant so much to go to sleep at the same time, she never wanted to have sex before going to bed and she never once wanted to fall asleep in my arms. She would just plop down and start snoring.

I don't understand any of this. I loved this woman with all my heart. We got back from the honeymoon and I settled into my own habits. She asked me to change some, so I did, but things only got worse. Then she tried to tell me I never showed love for her. I really thought I did.

Does anyone know how I can get her back? My life isn't really worth living without her in it.

[Lipp]

I reckon that things went down the shitter real fast if the very first impression of her married life would be during your gameplay addiction.

The only real way to have gotten through that would have been if something drastically changed things, but it seems as despite your measures it was too little, the playing, smoking and eating were easy to fix compared to the feeling of living with someone who's not right, almost a stranger, which is probably why she did not want to be intimate at all.

And the last few incidents shattered what was holding it together. I seriously doubt that she would take you back, regardless of your intent. Some things have to be identified and dealt with properly and early on, not in 3 weeks of desperate clarity.

Sorry mate. If anything, I suggest that you give it some time to cool down, and really shape up. She wont take you back anytime soon, but if you really pull yourself together she'd might eventually reconsider. No promises though.

[Only-virgins]

Ok I read the entire thing now actually. First of the entire situation is a bit strange. 2 years of great love, you get married (which is meant to strengthen the relationship at least for a while) and yet it ends with in few months?

I definitly believe that you are blaming yourself far to much for this. If you read your story the ring was just the excuse she needed. It seems as if something else was happening. Maybe some contempt built up in bad timing just as you got married. A wife is supposed to love her man, let him know that everything is going to be alright, and make him feel like he has a home and family...you are supposed to return a lot as well. However she seemed really cold after the honeymoon. I don't know what to tell you.

I know you want her back but I don't see it happening. She seems absolutely unmotivated to save the relationship at all. Marriage also means that petty things should be worked out, this isn't the case. Good luck, you will need it. I suggest a long talk and start from the beginning with explaining to her how cold she treated you after a short time into the marriage. As I said though, I think it is over ....words such as "I am starting to fall out of love with you" are powerful words and if my wife said them to me I would really be in pain, I would know that it is only a matter of time.

[bluesummer]

I understand to an extent your wife's concern about the gaming and such, but the major point here is that you listened to her concerns and made a real effort to change your habits to make her happy. The result? More anger from her? Something's not right on her end.

Someone who really wanted to make it work wouldn't continually try to distance themselves as their partner put in the effort to improve things. She knew what you were before you were married, and all of a sudden when the ring is on her finger, she expects a totally different person? This makes no sense, and it isn't how relationships work. Having been in a failed mariage, I can tell you everything you posted sounded all too familiar.....a person who'd already checked out of the relationship and was trying to make you look like the 'bad guy' to justify backing out.

I know you love her, and if you want to continue rying, then best of luck. Unfortunately it sounds to me like she got what she wanted in the end - out. Who knows the reasons why. She turned down your suggestion of counselling, she refused to recognize your efforts to change for her......that tells me she has no interest in saving your marriage.

You deserve to be with someone who loves you for what you are, btw.

[ChristianonLI]

It will never work out really. As much as I try, she won't even respond to text messages or IMs anymore. Ignoring me completely, doesn't care at all how I feel.

You're all right. It's not worth the heartache and I need to find someone who will love me unconditionally. The problem is, I don't know if I'll ever truly get over her. She was my first real love and the first woman who, quite frankly, I felt was worth the effort to be with her more than a month. I was in it for the long haul from very early on and so was she. She talked all the time about marriage, children and our life together. She was so sure it would be amazing.

And now she's gone. It's almost a full month since she left and I don't feel any better. I cannot move on. I don't want to move on. To a certain extent I refuse to move on because I feel what she did was wholly unfair to me and I deserve a chance to make it right.

She just doesn't realize that I would never touch another video game. I would never stay up later than her. I would probably go a lot further out of my way to please her than any man should have to. Everyone I know says it's not worth it and that I shouldn't have to capitulate to such an extent just to try to keep her happy.

But I'm willing to. For love, I would do anything required, even sell my soul. You see, I was always very lonely my whole life. I never dated. I prayed to God for years to bring someone into my life who would love me and want to be with me and when I finally found her I felt blessed. I felt complete for the first time in my whole miserable life. I felt like a regular person. Before I met her I was on the verge of death from loneliness and she brought me away from the brink.

And now, God has taken her away. Maybe to teach me a lesson. Maybe to show me she wasn't the right one. Or maybe to punish me for being such a selfish, egomaniacal narcissist who felt the world owed him everything and that it was his pious duty to put everyone around him in their "place". Well, I learned my lesson. I'll be a good boy, but God has not brought her back to me yet. He may never bring her back and I feel doomed to a life of loveless loneliness once again.

[chrisy]

A big mistake that we usually make in relationships is to speak for the other person with regards to love. We usually say, "we love each other so much", etc. when what we really mean is "I love the person so much".

Your wife had stopped loving you a long time ago. When the love stops, every thing that the other person does is irritating. That's why your actions to correct whatever she complained about were not effective - she just found something else that irritated her. Move on with your life because she is not worth it. Life is too short to sacrifice yourself on the altar of love for someone who does not love you.

BTW - God did not take her away from you. She complained, went out with another guy and walked out on you. You need to reevaluate your assessment of the relationship. If she were the one for you and both of your destinies were linked, she would not have been able to walk away so easily from you. There is a high probability that because of your loneliness and need for another, your perception of her was unrealistic. No one completes you... it's nice to say and hear but it is not true. Love yourself, do the things that you love to do... try to be busy..

[ChristianonLI]

I wish I could just forget and move on. I really do. A few days after this happened I deleted all the wedding pictures on my Facebook page and canceled our relationship status. She still has all of them up and is still listed as married. She complained to me about the pictures I took off and when I asked about her's all she could say was, "It was an important day in my life."

For me, those pictures bring pain. Lots of pain. It was the best day of my life. In an effort to not feel that pain, I got rid of mine. But I cannot forget that day. Every minute of it, every dance, every congratulatory word from every guest, all burned into my brain and I cannot get rid of it! All I see is her in that dress standing before me, holding my hands as we say our vows, grinning from ear to ear, undeniably in love with me as much as I was with her.

How do I get rid of this pain?

[crossxmyxheart]

Another marriage destroyed by WoW! lol jk jk..
sounds like there was mistakes made on both sides, and since shes not responding to any of ur txts or fone calls, sounds like she doesnt wanna be with you anymore. but hey, if shes goin out with another guy to a yankees game (theres ur problem, you have a yankees fan.. JK) and you guys r married, that would raise some alarms right there.. i mean unless of course this was a long time good friend and this was some sort of a ritual they had.. but even then, you would think she would incorporate you into that lil outing.. idk mang.. jus focus on work or school or watever you do (not WoW please! ull nvr find a girl again on that crap)
oh ya.. btw.. i agree with chrisy.. God dint take her away.. i think he has better things to do than screw with relationships.. i would blame Blizzard though lol

[cmacattack1]

Did you delete all those pictures to get a reaction out of her? My ex girlfriend did the same thing and I guess by removing those memories, it means she is trying to forget them. But also, by taking the time to do that, it means the feelings are strong and still there. You are going to look back on those one day and remember it as a happy time, do you really want to remove those memories for good because you are in pain right now? That was part of the reason why I begged and pleaded to get back with her, to end this pain I'm going through right now, which in hindsight made our chances of getting back together not as likely. This time by yourself is meant for growth.

Its excruciating now but it will go away with time. And the state you are in right now is not the person your wife fell in love with. That's why it's so important to focus on bettering yourself. Because you'll be back to that person that your wife fell in love with and even if you guys don't end up back together, you will be at your peak for somebody else. It seems dismal now, but you got alot of life ahead of ya yet.

You can't force yourself to move on, don't try to. You'll get to a point where you will get sick of it. You will learn alot about what went wrong and what you can do to improve yourself. It also won't feel like it is resolved as she has the answers to your questions. There will probably be a time in the future when you are ready to see her again. Now is not that time. Having a strong social outlet never hurts. I gotta tell you it sucks that my ex girlfriend is at college partying it up. She even had a new boyfriend two weeks after we broke up (maybe longer). I live at home with my parents, graduated, looking for a job. It's not fair but it is what it is. Making the most of it is all you can do.

I know that my 8 month relationship with my ex girlfriend is nothing to compare to your marriage but I hope what I said helps.