severe depression..we fought again

[lightning]

let me state this story (it will be long and very sad)

So there is a guy whom I really love (let us call him Jay) and he loved me too (this is almost 8 months ago)

At first it started as a friend, and I had a LDR bf so I wasnt planing on loving anyone. but Jay changed my world..he is the creative guy who would hide me gifts in special way..spoil me..and do surprises...

When I felt that Jay does love me more than a friend (and I REALLY loved him) I felt I gotta tell him that I have a bf and leave because this wont work out..

So thats what happened..I told him I have a bf ..and he felt disappointed and thought I'm cheater (even though we never dated) and Jay left..

You know I kept crying for Jay..I did crazy things i swear to god I never did for any guy before..I would walk hours down the house..I would see him in my dreams and you know the only break from crying was when I sleep.. I really did love Jay..I didnt want to lose him because it was the first time in my life I loved someone that much..

I broke up with my bf..I told him the truth..I told him that I never meant to love Jay but I cant be in a relationship while my heart is in another place..

I tried to fix things with Jay (who hinted but never admitted love) and you know since then me and Jay always fight for silly reasons..we never dated but i knew that he loves me too much and I love him way too much yet when I come to know Jay better I realized that he is an egotic guy and he never forgive mistakes and since I hid that I had an ex he started to do revenge on me..stalk me with his car...talk with other girls on phone when he sees me and so on..we had sever fights.. but you know not lovers fight it was more like hate fights..

a mutual friend of me and Jay came to me and told me "if you guys love each other why dont you talk instead of fighting"..and I told him it turned into an ego thing..and my mutual friend told me this is not right.. anyways this has lasted long with lots of depressions, tears, and stress ..I love him, he loves me..he does things to show me..I do thing to show him but he wont come and tell me the magic word "I wanna be with you"..and at the same time my head was stuffed with a book called "He's just not that into you" and I kept reading that if I guy wont make first step then simply he's just not that into you.

and you know I would have told him I love him if he didnt disappear on me..you know Jay is great..but you become great to him he disappear..when you are angry and ignore him he comes back with gifts, surprises and lots of love (which is very tiring and frustrating and sick kind game)

I decided to move on..because all my friends begged me to move on and to forget Jay..I have great friends that supported me so much..and couple of weeks went and I started to move on..I even got a small crush for a week with my best friend (was disppointed result but at least I knew I still have the heart to like again)..now two weeks ago Jay tried to talk to me again..and you know I was already over the love story but also I did huge mistake of talking to him..I thought if I talk to him in general things then it wont harm because I'm already over him (I was lying to myself)..

we talked..I fell in love again..he sent me songs for a singer ..and I found myself listening to those songs 24 hours a day..I knew that I never forgot Jay and I told that to my best friend whom I had a crush on..and he told me that Jay asked his help to prepare a gift for me..

It was very confusing very sad..I hang out with my best friend that day I was confused and sad and Jay (the guy who is unable to forgive mistakes) saw us together and the next day Jay sent me "I feel sad about you"

And I told him "feel sad about yourself at least I'm honest and know what I want"

and he said "hahaha , honest..that was a nice one"

me "I was honest to you all the time..but you liked it gray and murky"

and he said "you know whatever" and closed

I know I didnt make any mistake and if he was another guy I wouldnt give a damn about him, because first he's not my bf to tell me whom to hang out with and whom not..and second it was only a friend hang out..

Anyways I tried to call him and after two days I felt down and depressed..sad and misrable..so I sent him "I'm sorry if I made a mistake..just wanted to tell you I do care..however I promise not to annoy have a good life"

and I dont know he replied but in a very abusive way..he said "Soz..bsy cn't talk...smell you later..n btw dw"
You know I felt humilated I felt horrible I felt bad..at the same time he called my friends and told them to tell me to go in a group hang out for some cafe..but my friends told him that she has exams and her dad is sick so she cant go out..

he sent me a message "I heard your dad is sick..hope nothing is very seriouse..tc"

I'm sad confused and tired of the mind game. he doesnt work at my company but he has some contracts so he comes every now and then..and on tuesday he came and came to my room and put a chocolate on my desk saying "forever friends"

I was devasted..angry..feeling bad..all those and the first thing came to my mind was sending him a message saying "Thanks my friend..now dont show me your face ever again because you're dumbed"

and he sent me a horrible message saying "oh sweetie my heart is bleeding..but you cant dumb me because we never hooked up so you're dumbing yourself..FLUSH =D"

you know..I went home..cried the whole night..I came to work my eyes are puffy..its friday and my eyes are still puffy...I met our mutual friend yesterday and he told me "you ok?" and I told him a little depressed and he blamed it all on me..he said that Jay tried all ways to get me and I closed it on him (maybe he's right but he's Jay best friend so he see a twisted truth)..and finally asked me do you love him ? and I said "I do..I love him..I see all his flaws as a perfect thing.." and he said "I will try to fix things between you guys"..


thats what happened yesterday but I feel its over..and just I need to move on..the only thing that I can do now is cry..I keep counting my mistakes..almost close to kill my self..I feel nothing on the whole universe will ever ever make me happy ever again..

Thanks for reading

[IndiReloaded]

Is this your BF or your coworker you have a thing for? Too much drama to keep track of.

[lightning]

I'm sorry you confused me now..What do you mean?

[RonHH]

Hi Lightning, I have the same problem as Indi, I got lost in there somewhere too.
Can you give a condensed version of whats going on?
Thanks
~Ron~

[Heratriumphant]

Ouch...
Jay is manipulative and emotionally abusive, you get that right?
I'm really sorry, but the guy sounds like a total creep. He's not going to magically become stable and loving and sweet when you get together. If anything his treatment of you will get worse.

It's a cycle; charm to reel you in, then nastiness to smack you down. Meanwhile you sense of self worth slips away bit by bit, allowing you to put up with worse and worse treatment.

[lightning]

ok short version of the story ..
Jay is someone I really love, and he loves me too..when he is angry he is abusive and manipulative..he never apology ..my friends call him sadastic..
When he is not angry, he is the most awesome guy on universe. and I always blame myself for making him angry (I think its because of the horrible mistakes I do), and always think if I was better he wouldnt be humiliating...

However all my friends say that I'm too sweet and kind and he manipulate me to go insane..

I try to forget him..but I love him..and its like I can put up with his craziness as long as we stay together..
what should I do?

[Sonrisa]

ah, you don't know what SEVERE depression is.

[lightning]

I couldnt smile for the past 8 months and you cant call this sever depression?

[Sonrisa]

and who's to blame?

[lightning]

Eh...just maybe myself, but I loved him..so?

[Sonrisa]

i don't think you know what love is, light. really. it seems like you don't know what you want. jumping from one guy to another, trying to squeeze out emotions out of yourself.

how old are you?

[lightning]

I'm 24 so I'm not young.. Sonrisa I'm not young but I guess what you are saying is extremly right. and well , I'm even willing to listen to advice to change..I do want to change

[Sonrisa]

well, first of all you have to realize that you are the only one who's in control of your feelings. if you feel like being happy than you will, the presence of a guy in your life should not affect your mood. watch a sad movie and you'll see how happy you really are compared to others. it really does help me to get a reality check when i start feeling down.

[Gigabitch]

You need to take Jay up to the top of the tallest building in town...







and push him off.

[lightning]

I will say my problem is that I have lets say nice personality and kinda pretty face..so I had like more than 20 guys wanted to hang out with me and really loved me..but I couldnt love anyone and now I keep thinking that god will punish me and I will be alone forever.

Whenever any guy likes me I get scared (there is also inner scare for some events that happened when I was young, that I refuse to get close to any guy)


I think I am a sad person..and I have some personal fears that I can never mention here but those makes my life as sad as movies