I want to feel better about my relationship

[confusedman91]

First let me start by describing both myself and my girlfriend. We are both 18 years old and are both attending college at different nearby Universities. She is very intelligent in terms of her schoolwork, she is top of her class in almost every class, and she is in a 7 year premedicine program. She is absolutely stunning; she cannot walk into a room without turning heads and before people knew we were dating she was asked out on practically a weekly basis. We are very much attached to one another, but there is a problem I seem to have. In one relationship that she had lasting between 4 and 2 years ago (when she was 14-16 years old), she was involved with this man who was 18-20 years old. Eventually he got her drunk and had sex with her. Again and again he would get her drunk and have sex with her. In one week during her finals, she said they had sex 5-7 times a day. In the last year of the relationship she tried to get out of it, but he would threaten with suicide and/or exposing everything to her parents. Eventually the police became involved but only after a year of her wanting to leave him. She deeply regrets this part of her life and is more cautious about her approach with men, but that is not my concern. I feel as though I am inadequate. I have had sex fewer times in my life than she has in a single day (I've only had sex 4 times, including our first time very recently.) I can make her climax, but I really do not know if I satisfy her. We've talked about it and she has said that after the 2nd time in a day with this ex-boyfriend he had to use lubricant, but i still feel inadequate. I also look back at that time of her life and it is deeply upsetting. She has certainly furthur improved herself since we started dating i.e. she quit smoking and drinks more responsibly but the fact that she still drinks is what gets to me. I know it was such a long time ago, but after having such a terrible experience with alcohol how can you still do it? Granted I also had my idiotic days of messing with various drugs but I have realized that there are consequences to my actions and have been very intelligent about the decisions I make for a long time. I sometimes feel as though I am much more mature than she is in terms of decision making, and she has agreed to try harder to be more mature but I am still uncomfortable about this and the other aforementioned issues. Please help?

[Artemis]

About having sex: No worries. If she likes/loves you, you're good. I'm sure she isn't comparing you with her ex in any way, they're two different relationships. So don't be hard on yourself, and talk with her about it if you really feel like you could be pleasing her better. Good communication makes for good sex.

About drinking: If you really get concerned and it starts interfering with her life (although you say that she's doing wonderfully in school, etc.), then talk with her about it, tell her it makes you concerned, don't be judgmental (please don't say "how can you drink when xyz happened," things aren't that simple), and just be there for her whatever she decides about it.

About her immaturity (?): If your being more mature than she is really bothers you, and you're uncomfortable, once again talk to her about it, tell her what bothers you and why, and once again without being judgmental. But only if you feel her decisions are destructive and you must intervene. Otherwise, it's her life to live and they are her decisions to make.

See a pattern? Talk to her.

[Linli]

I have to say, it seems that these issues you're having stem mostly from your own insecurities. She's not the one comparing you to her ex, YOU are. You're concerned about her drinking because of YOUR insecurities about her past. She knows she made mistakes, she's made enormous leaps in improving herself to avoid making similar ones in the future.
If she is acting in a loyal, affectionate, trustworthy, communicative manner with you, what is your problem with her drinking occasionally? I could understand if, every time she drank, she turned into a total floosy or talked incessantly about what a better lover her ex was, but, outside of what she has trustingly disclosed to you, you have no reason to ask her to alter her behaviour. You might want to start looking inside yourself on this one. That would be the "mature" thing to do.

[all alone]

I have to say, it seems that these issues you're having stem mostly from your own insecurities. She's not the one comparing you to her ex, YOU are. You're concerned about her drinking because of YOUR insecurities about her past. She knows she made mistakes, she's made enormous leaps in improving herself to avoid making similar ones in the future.
If she is acting in a loyal, affectionate, trustworthy, communicative manner with you, what is your problem with her drinking occasionally? I could understand if, every time she drank, she turned into a total floosy or talked incessantly about what a better lover her ex was, but, outside of what she has trustingly disclosed to you, you have no reason to ask her to alter her behaviour. You might want to start looking inside yourself on this one. That would be the "mature" thing to do.

ditto, look at yourself as well..