Where does "No Contact" and reconciliation meat?

[pisces7378]

For those of you who don't already know... I'm a 31 year old man. I dated a 21 year old girl for 9 months, and it ended 7 months ago. It's kind of hard to say who broke up with who. The relationship was really solid, but there was a lot of garbage that we couldn't escape. I have never been sat down and explained why we "can't be together right now."

So anyway, one night we broke up in a fight over the dishes, that I guess wasn't really over the dishes. Since then, I have gone through every emotion. I've hated her for being so cold and distant. I've missed her. I've wished that she would just leave town. I've waken up in the middle of the night in a panic because I dreamed about her. It comes and goes, but I mean, for the most part my life is "back to normal".

Then about a month ago, she shows up on my door step. We drink a bottle of wine, and everything was great. Then she started crying and basically begging me to be "friends" with her. I strongly told her that there was not a snowballs chance in hell that I'd be friends with her. So after a couple of hours of crying, she left. She tried to re-friend me on Facebook, but other than that, she didn't contact me for a month.

Then suddenly one night around 12:00, she texted me and said, "So, are you never going to talk to me again?" We texted playfully back and forth for a little while, and then made plans to hang out the next night. So she came over again. You know, to "catch up". Well, things were great again, and then she started crying again. But this time she was more expressive. She told me that I had "broken her." This made me a little annoyed, so I said, "What?!? I broke you?!?" And she was like, "No, no... I mean it as a compliment. For you it should be a nice thing. But for me, you broke me."

I kind of made fun of her for being dramatic, and we proceeded with the evening. She'd be fine, and then something we'd start talking about would make her cry again. And it got to the point that there were snot bubbles, thick spit in the corners of her mouth, and eyes almost swollen shut from crying. I was basically just sitting there saying very little. I eventually just realized that I had to do something. I had to either comfort her, or ask her to leave. So I stood up, and felt very much that none of this was fare to me anymore. So, I told her to not come over to my house with this bullshit anymore. If she is sad, she needs to see a psychologist (which I am sure she IS seeing). So she got in her car.

I have felt for the past 7 months that I never said to her all that I wanted to say. So I walked out to her car and squatted down beside her driver side window. I said...

"I love you. I never wanted to lose you. I am IN love with you. I don't want to turn you into my little wife. Hell, I don't even know if I want to be your boyfriend. I just know that I want to go to the movies with you when new movies come out. I want to go eat out with you. I'd like to watch DVDs with you. I miss the sound of your voice. I just miss you. And at the end of the night, you still go home to your house and I go home to mine."

She said, "But what if I can't handle that?" I thought for a second, and just put up both my hands and said, "Well then there is nothing more I can say or do." And I walked back inside as she drove off. She called me like 45 second later (she only lives three blocks away). She said, I don't know what just happened. I basically, told her exactly what I just said above, and that this is why we can't be friends. There is no way that I could sit there and watch her date other people.

And I know in my heart that she couldn't handle me dating other girls. Every time I mentioned another girl, or even hanging out with "someone", she got weird about it, and asked... who's that? or is that person a she?

So anyway. Obviously I want her back, so if you are going to give me some angular advice on how I need to move on... please just save yourself the trouble of typing it and me ignoring you. Because that may be, but I want to come to that conclusion on my own. I know she is only 21. I know that she is acting selfishly and irrationally. I know that any relationship I'd have with her would be stormy. I know all those things. I also know that after we broke up, I shut her off completely. Zero contact. For 6 months, I maybe bumped into her for two seconds twice, and I was polite but didn't stop to dally.

And after her first showing up on my porch, I didn't accept her Facebook request or contact her again until she texted me. So I have been one "cool cucumber" as far as sticking to my No Contact guns. But now that she has made two attempts at fostering some relationship, I am wondering if I should try to re-approach her, and be less shut off. Should I text her playfully, or just stick with No Contact? Ask to meet her? Just please take a second, and calm your mind, and think about what you would think would be the thing that I could do (or not do) that would bring her to be open to thinking about re-establishing a relationship with me.

Basically... if I let her in as a friend, do you think they could maybe lead back to a relationship, or do ex-boyfriends that get put in the friend zone stay forever in the "pathetic, still in love with their ex's" friend zone?

[Carmen]

Why is she having such a hard time deciding? Does she love you or not?! Seems like she still cares a lot (unless she cries for no reason). I wouldn't drop a tear with any of my exbfs. You've done well by being strong up until this point. I think now maybe you should ask her if she wants to start dating you or not- and if she says no, then tell her not to come looking for you again. You don't need her as a friend.

[Graham Berkeley]

I feel so sorry for that girl. She sounds like an emotional wreck and pisces7378 has no idea how to deal with a woman's emotions. I would even surmise that might have been part of the reason you guys fought so much. Stick to older women pisces7378.

[qwertz]

its 'meet'..sorry i couldnt help it!!!

[Graham Berkeley]

You know pisces7378 this reminds me all to well of something I went through once. Its probable that the whole "I want you as a friend" is actually her way of trying to get back with you without throwing herself at your feet and feeling further humiliated. You seem pretty cold to her so its only natural for a 21 year old girl to act so emotional to it. I know how you feel you need to protect yourself but thats the part you should cool it on. Your "I want to watch movie with you and go out to eat but you go home ot your house and me go home to mine" can easily translate into "I don't want to keep you but I don't want anyone else ot have you." which is not the signal you want to send if you want her back which im not sure if you do since it sounds like you have had multiple times to accept her back but chose not to...

[pisces7378]

You know pisces7378 this reminds me all to well of something I went through once. Its probable that the whole "I want you as a friend" is actually her way of trying to get back with you without throwing herself at your feet and feeling further humiliated. You seem pretty cold to her so its only natural for a 21 year old girl to act so emotional to it. I know how you feel you need to protect yourself but thats the part you should cool it on. Your "I want to watch movie with you and go out to eat but you go home ot your house and me go home to mine" can easily translate into "I don't want to keep you but I don't want anyone else ot have you." which is not the signal you want to send if you want her back which im not sure if you do since it sounds like you have had multiple times to accept her back but chose not to...

This quote, and your post about me not having a clue how to deal with a woman's feelings is very understandable since you only have what I've written to go on.

But the reality is that while we were together I was very much there for her. I think way too much there for her. I wanted to help her fix everything. She went broke and I gave her money. She needed help with school, and I helped her study. She needed help with class projects and I stayed away until 4:00 am doing them for her while she slept. She'd cry and I'd hold her for as long as it took to calm her down. I gave her advice, helped her with so much... I mean, I was her f'ing rock.

And when she left, it occurred to me that she didn't want me to fix everything. She just wanted a friend to understand her. She wanted to feel that I "get her", and the fact that I leaped into action trying to fix everything as soon as she opened her mouth, made me look like some control freak alpha male that just wanted to make her into my little pet. She started to feel like I was trying to daddy her, and towards the end, she said that I was trying to turn her into some Betty Crocker.

I find that last bit ridiculous, because I did all the laundry, cooked all the meals, and cleaned the house. But I guess she meant something less tangible and I, like always, just didn't get it. I think it has to do with a ten year age difference. I think it has to do with a lot of things.

But me not trying to fix everything this time was my attempt at showing her that I can also just sit and listen... but she did not get that at all. Instead she took it to mean that I don't care, and that even when she is talking about suicide, I STILL couldn't even understand.

For the most part, I think I am in a lose/lose situation. If I am attentive and validate her concerns with understanding words of encouragement and help, then I am a daddy-figure that just wants to pat the top of her head and tell her everything's going to be alright. But if I remain quiet, and don't come to her absolute rescue, then I am a cold alpha male that doesn't care.

But I do thank you all very much for your words. This whole situation has made me think so much, I need some outside advice to help me get out of my own head.