Perhaps I'm being a silly female?

[Artemis]

I'm brand new to the forum, so hello all!

I have a relatively small problem on my hands, and would appreciate some advice:

I love my boyfriend, he loves me, and we've been dating for a little over a year now. We live about 4 hours apart, and met at University. The thing is, my dear boyfriend does not say that he loves me or cares very often. That alone would not bother me so much, I can understand not being vocal about such things.

But that's not all, of course. My boyfriend also almost never kisses me unless we are fooling around. Alright fine, I understand that women probably like kissing more than guys do...Maybe.

He has shown me he loves me, random times, and completely on accident. Things like catching me when I've fallen over having been really dizzy, helping me, encouraging me, being proud of me, etc. These are all very wonderful things, and I hold them close to my heart.

However, most of the time, he gives me nothing to go on at all. For example: I went up to DC to see him for the first time in months, and as soon as we got into his apartment he gave me his shower head to hold over the drain and asked me to keep it there until the Drano worked through. Without so much as a hug to say hello.

I have talked with him about these things, and I try not to ask too much. I know that people don't change, and he has told me that he loves me and cares. I suppose my real problem is trying to reconcile myself with the lack of not only romance, but, well, all of that awesome relationship stuff. Once again, I'm not asking for roses or rainbows, here. I'm just trying to be happy with what I have: a wonderful, committed, and intelligent boyfriend who is simply lacking (or perhaps completely dense) in the romance department. Any suggestions? Am I truly asking too much?

[Primo]

There's an old saying you can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear.

You can't teach someone intimacy, romance, sensuality. Appreciate the positive things he brings to the table, but if you're longing for the other you're going to have to re-evaluate your longterm plans with this man, or you'll be seeking the intimacy you need elsewhere rather quickly.

[RomantiGoth]

I read something.. uhh.. entertaining the other night.. I have bought a copy of "men are from mars, women from venus" (or some sort, bad translation)... The auther says that men are very, VERY practical minded and when they encounter a physical problem, they are singleminded in solving that problem and thus forgetting the world around them... He also claims that men do this because they have some problems themselves that they either cannot solve or are in the midst of solving, and by solving the physical problem, he also solves the problem within himself... <-- this was aimed at the drain-thingy when you visited him

However this book is 20 years old and based on the sociaty 30 years ago, so it might not be up to date.. still there is some things that still apply..


okay, that said, I must disagree with primo. I believe that you CAN learn intimacy, romance, etc. If you are unable to learn it, then where did the romantics learn it? natural instinct?

But the problem is that you have to be willing to learn.. it requires a different focus and mind.. you have to focus on being actively romanticly and having the 'surplus' of energy.. I believe that anyone can learn how to be romantic.. to me it is like dancing.. some movements flow better with some gestures, while others 'prohibit' each other... uhh.. bad example and wording :\

as to your question artemis, I do not think that you ask too much.. but maybe you are asking wrong? try talking to him about how you want to be romanced... try to be specific about what you want him to do, and then let him take the time he needs to be romantic.. you do not want to pressure him into being it...also, do not expect him to be original, if he is not a "natural" romantic.. if he feels like being more romantic, then he will do so, when he feels like it.. so be patient

mostly people do not try to do something that they are uncertain of how to do.. so if he wants to be romantic, but do not know how, then it is most likely that he will not try to be romantic, in fear of doing it wrong...

[QuanSai]

I'm brand new to the forum, so hello all!

I have a relatively small problem on my hands, and would appreciate some advice:

I love my boyfriend, he loves me, and we've been dating for a little over a year now. We live about 4 hours apart, and met at University. The thing is, my dear boyfriend does not say that he loves me or cares very often. That alone would not bother me so much, I can understand not being vocal about such things.

But that's not all, of course. My boyfriend also almost never kisses me unless we are fooling around. Alright fine, I understand that women probably like kissing more than guys do...Maybe.

He has shown me he loves me, random times, and completely on accident. Things like catching me when I've fallen over having been really dizzy, helping me, encouraging me, being proud of me, etc. These are all very wonderful things, and I hold them close to my heart.

However, most of the time, he gives me nothing to go on at all. For example: I went up to DC to see him for the first time in months, and as soon as we got into his apartment he gave me his shower head to hold over the drain and asked me to keep it there until the Drano worked through. Without so much as a hug to say hello.

I have talked with him about these things, and I try not to ask too much. I know that people don't change, and he has told me that he loves me and cares. I suppose my real problem is trying to reconcile myself with the lack of not only romance, but, well, all of that awesome relationship stuff. Once again, I'm not asking for roses or rainbows, here. I'm just trying to be happy with what I have: a wonderful, committed, and intelligent boyfriend who is simply lacking (or perhaps completely dense) in the romance department. Any suggestions? Am I truly asking too much?

And you've expressed your desire to him? Some guys, a lot like me, aren't quick to jump to the act of showing emotion publicly.

[vashti]

What you are wanting is something he can/will not provide. Why would you settle for something that falls so short of the mark? Your resentment will only build over time.

I suggest you talk to him and tell him how big a problem this is for you REALLY. If he makes no effort to fix it over the course of the follwing month, or if it gets away from him over the next 6 months, I'd look elsewhere.

[Primo]

Those qualities are innate Artemis, everyone possesses them to varying degrees. Some need and want more, some don't. Like vashti said it's important to figure out if this is something you can accept from him in the long run. If you settle, it's going to bite you in the butt big time.

It's a great thread actually, because this is an extremely high trait that I look for and absolutely have to have in someone. It's a deal breaker for me and a quick one.

[Artemis]

Thank you all for your responses. I agree that to an extent it is an innate trait, Primo, and that people don't just become what we want them to. However, he really wants to do whatever it takes to keep me, and has often told me that if there's anything he needs to "fix," he will. I am thinking very hard about exactly how important it is to me, and in the meanwhile I've been seeing how he's been trying to "fix" it. When I tell him what to do/what I want, he seems to keep what I like in mind, so perhaps he really *can* fix it?

[Primo]

It's good that it's out in the open Artemis, that he recognizes he needs to be more romantic, intimate and sensual. It's obviously very important to you to have all of that 'awesome relationship stuff'. He can't change who he is, but he's conscous of it, so hopefully he can bring the level of those things up to the point where you're content.

Just don't let it be the issue that you raise a year or two from now when you tell him you're leaving...see how things go, how they progress on more of a short term basis.

In the meantime maybe you can hold the shower head over your t-shirt while you're washing down the Drano and he'll notice how deliciously fantastic your breasts look and eat you up right there in the tub

Good luck !

[girl68]

I had an ex much like this. In fact, minus the distance it seems exactly the same.

Blah blah blah he loved me, but in my eyes never showed it. Sure he supported me and did kind things for me but I didn't get the affection, attention, corny words, and all that romantic corny bullshit.

He promised he'd change. I told him over and over how big of a deal it was. He swore he'd work on it. Things would be great again for about a month. Then he'd resort back to his own ways. I don't think he truely understood that his lack of attention and affection was a dealbreaker to me.

Tell your guy that this is taking a toll on you, your confidence, and your relationship and if something doesn't give you're going to give it up. Perhaps that's where I went wrong. I just told him what I wanted, and longed for and he probably figured "ehh, I'll give her some attention today... no big deal" but it was.

[Gigabitch]

Romantigoth is right about the one-track man mind thing. It's a pain in the ass, but it's actually a GOOD thing. He can bring this single mindedness to all kinds of tasks- like fixing your car or making you orgasm.

The guy probably has no skill set whatsoever in this regard. I've dated guys like this. They're not bad guys, but they can be a little dull when you're looking for romance. He sounds like the kind of guy who would give you red roses because it's something he knows to do, not because you like them. For me, this kind of guy is like a wet blanket, but for some, they're awesome. You know- steady and sure, that kind of thing.

It's really up to you. He's probably not going to change much because he probably can't. Can you live with it?

[LatinoItaliano]

If you're doing everything to/for him which you'd want him to do to/for you, but he's not returning the favor? Then there's something really wrong here. I'd seriously think about just breaking it off with him. One cannot "learn" feelings like this. They're either GENUINELY there, or they're not.

If you're sitting by and not doing much, then do not expect much! Or else this is sheer hypocrisy, which is ignorant.

A relationship is a two-way street, not a one-way street. If one expects to be given things, then they better also be giving things.

And that whole "Let me get her roses, because that's the typical thing to do" crap is sickening to me! And yes, I'm a guy!

I cannot stand that whole thing. It's so shallow and heartless. Give something from the heart... ANYthing! The heart is truly what matters in a relationship, NOT the material object alone!

Not all guys are dull, emotionless dolts. Worry not, my lovely girls!

I hope I'm not in the minority of guys out there who have emotions like this? Wow, that would be crazy if it was true...

[Niceboy]

Hello Artemis. As you may know, some blokes find it very hard showing affection of any kind. Especially telling the loved one that they actually do love them. Despite this, odds on your other half probably does love you very much. Having said that, the thing about the shower head does strike me as quite rude considering he asked you to do it without so much as a hello according to you.