2 Months on... My Story and hoping to help others

[lhn]

Like most people who write on these forums, I’m putting this up to share my experience with people who are willing to listen and able to understand the situation and to hopefully help those who feel lost, now their loved one has gone.

I’ll start off by saying it has been around 9 weeks since my split from my girlfriend so I’m in that kind of ‘middle stage’ where you aren’t necessarily completing breaking down on a daily basis every minute but the pain is still unbearable.

I was officially with her for around a year which, compared to some stories, doesn’t seem a great deal in the grand scheme of things. We met at work and it was never the intention to get together, I never in a million years thought we would. Following the breakup of her relationship at the time, we started spending time together and as I was new to the area, it was a great way for me to meet new people. Anyway, things went from strength to strength on a daily basis as these things do and we eventually became an item.

The following 9 months were brilliant. It had been 4 years since my last relationship, career took over and other bits and bobs were more important at the time. I had never been good at committing so didn’t really miss the affection of another and could happily have carried on that way. If you have never had something, then you really don’t miss it.

The last 3 months were a mixed bag. We both had a few stresses & strains in our lives but when it comes down to it, we both became lazy. I think most people can relate to that and regret it hugely. You put it in the category of ‘we broke up because…’ which is ever changing in size and content and will sit quite happily at the forefront of your mind for months on end. Sound familiar?

Because we work together (only 6 people in the office) it obviously had a negative effect and definitely adversely ate at our relationship at times but, nonetheless, it didn’t make it a living nightmare by any means and certainly never meant we wouldn’t see each other outside of work. We made an effort to keep our private relationship separate from our working one as much as possible and for the most part, we’re successful at it.

About a month towards the end she bought some Personal Training sessions which cost about £250 and I was quite surprised she hadn’t mentioned it previously, being that it’s both an expensive thing to buy and a surely a talking point! Unfortunately, alarm bells should have rang at this stage but my naivety and lack of previous experience meant I didn’t think twice about it.

To cut the rest really short, she split with me after a brilliant weekend together and about a week before we were due to move in with one another. She said it felt ‘false’ and as quickly as it had happened, she was gone.

Now, just to help those of you who have just split up or are struggling to deal with things I will tell you how I felt and what I thought. You may find similarities and hopefully this will bring some comfort to you knowing others have been through it.

From the day we split until about a month later, I never thought for one second we wouldn’t get back together. I spent every waking moment believing that at any second she would realise what we had and that it was worth fighting for it; to remember the good times and realise that life just isn’t the same as before. I spent weeks hounding her, reminding her of all the good times and telling her that she was wrong to end it. I grovelled horrendously and begged for another chance. I had bought tickets to a club we loved going to about a week before we split as well as some tickets to see Jimmy Carr – her favourite comedian. Neither of those tempted her.

She moved out after about 3 weeks, after a showdown. I found some emails at work and the full picture started to emerge. Whilst I had been trying so/too hard to win her back, she had been on several dates with her PT instructor (who I know) and they had, by now, slept together. Devastated doesn’t even begin to explain how I felt. You get the feeling you’re gunna throw-up. Your gorgeous girlfriend has been stolen from you and there is now nothing you can do about it. That line has been crossed and your world has been thrown in such disarray that you just want to end it. Period.

By now I had tried everything… from completely no contact (except at work) to trying to be a friend. Trying in vain to take her back to when things were exciting and new and appealing. Even after I found out about her and the other guy, I still couldn’t hate her. I just didn’t want to let go… still don’t sometimes.

The harder I tried, the worse it got. She didn’t seem to care about me, about our history, and the last year. I had no friends to turn to as they were all associated to her so I was left to rot by myself, in the apartment we were supposed to be living in as a happy couple. Tears ensued for weeks and week.


I just want to say a few things. It doesn’t always apply but the glory of hindsight has confirmed these to be true in my own situation. That’s not to say people don’t get second chances and I’m sure they work out for a select few but sadly for me, I didn’t get that chance. It may sound harsh but it is a realisation you will probably go through I’m afraid.

Firstly, you have to understand that they don’t miss you. No matter how much you believe what you had was the greatest thing in the world, they just don’t feel the same. That’s not to say it didn’t mean anything at the time, even though it feels like it. You got together because you both worked. Sometimes people only work for a small amount of time, sometimes for longer. At the end of the day, the reality is at some stage they left the relationship and sometimes don’t realise it. So when it does dawn on them and they end it, it can seem like they are so cold towards you. The person you love the most is like a different person to the one from the day before. It’s a huge shock to the system and nothing can help you except the cliché that ‘time is a great healer’.

Secondly, don’t expect too much sympathy from them. You used to be able to speak to them and they would comfort you. That’s now changed. You need to find another shoulder to cry on… but you should definitely find one. Heartbreak eats you up from the inside out. Release some of it by talking or writing about it. I think speaking to others who have been through heartbreak really helped me hugely. You find a new found respect for friendships and it definitely helps you grow as a person, in a lot of ways and very fast.

Finally, you have to understand that the not eating; the not sleeping; not wanting to go out; and not wanting to move on is all a side effect of the breakup and doesn’t last forever.
I still struggle to sleep sometimes and I still cry for my old life back on occasions but you can feel your love for that person slowly loosening. It has to happen and you have to understand that it will happen.
Eventually you will find someone else to share new memories with. You’ll go into your future relationships with more guile and more understanding and perhaps a new maturity which you didn’t have before. All good things in making a relationship truly work.

Life is a huge learning experience. I think I have learnt more in the last couple of months, than I have in the last 10 years. Take your knowledge with you to your next exciting relationship because there will be one. Hang on in there and message me if you need to talk.

Best of luck and sorry for the essay,

Luke

[Smirnoffz]

I feel for you man, and don't be sorry for writing such essays over here, that's what the place is for..

I just don't quite understand the way you generalise, I mean, I can understand, but it's a huge generalisation, and only experience can tell it.. It's subjective, and it differs for every person..

Best of luck to you too

[xecutioner85]

Thanks man... ur story really helped... We all feel for you... take care and best of luck... the thing which always helped me is... there is some1 better dan ever somewhere...

[iamadreamer]

Thanks. I am so scared and suffering so much..your words help.

[iamadreamer]

But..what if you heart and your mind ARE NOT READY to desire anyone else. What if you Still want HIM .. things are not over for us but our relationship is probably amongst the most difficult ones on earth. I DO NOT WANT ANYONE ELSE. I cannot help it.
I dont see anything interesting, nice, exciting about dating other men...not even to get close to them. IM LIVING A NIGHTMARE...but HE Is my Dream.
I am really really f***ed up.

[spaceboy409]

I definately can relate to everything,

its been 2 months and im still so broken hearted and so scared Ill never be able to love again.

I still try from time to time to contact her, just cuz I miss her, but she never responds.

I know this means that yeah she doesnt miss me,

Its so hard to move on, but I know eventually I will

[LostSnake18]

Hey everyone I am going through this crap too. Its been about 2 months and I have good moments and bad ones. The logical side of me says there are plenty of chances in life to find someone just as good if not better. The crappy depressed side says she was the best, I can never find someone else, blah blah. The thing is I know the logical side will win out. If there truly was only one person for everyone how often do you think these people would get together. Everyone goes through heartbreak and then moves on. It will happen someday. Some people take longer than others and I feel I will take awhile but I know it will end eventually. Stay strong guys we will get through this.

[Primo]

Guys, someone who walks away from you isn't your soulmate. If you treated them with neglect and they walked away, then you weren't their soulmate.

The world keeps turning, there's tons of other people looking for a nice partner, get out and have some fun...

[curves222]

Great post, lhn. I hope your pain subsides as quickly as possible. I've found when I am trying to forget someone, if they pop in my mind, I'll think something mean about them and remember something I hated...even if it was small and silly, because then it would sometimes make me laugh. Like, "F... You, David, you're the biggest jerk ever and I hate you. I hate how you always ate the green M&Ms first!" Rinse and repeat, like a mental rubber band.

For iamadreamer, have you ever heard the term "fake it until you make it"? When my b/f of two years broke up with me out of nowhere, even though I didn't feel like going out with someone else, I made myself join a dating site and go out on dates. It was one of the best choices I ever made! Just getting out of the house and meeting new people helped me get over him SO much faster.

For spaceboy409, I'm sure it is not that your g/f doesn't miss you and doesn't care about you, but she knows that both of you are better off in the long run if a clean break is made. And she is right, it really would make it harder and maybe even give you false hope if she replied to you.

[NoName101]

I just don't understand why she can be so cold as not to even tell me why she changed. Just to leave me in the dark.
What happened to her?

What makes her hard to forget was what she told me. I already posted a thread on here.

I just feel like I failed. I wanted to make her happy. Make her life different. And I feel like I'm bad if I give up.

[johnnywalker]

I ams o going through what you are going through. That could have been me who wrote that essay, although my situation is not the same as work colleagues. SHe is now back here and living in the same house until we reach a conclusion and see's me just as a friend.
I guess I have to move on and find someone else who will be a better match and want to be with me for me.
Goodluck to you as well.

[Primo]

I just don't understand why she can be so cold as not to even tell me why she changed. Just to leave me in the dark.
What happened to her?

What makes her hard to forget was what she told me. I already posted a thread on here.

I just feel like I failed. I wanted to make her happy. Make her life different. And I feel like I'm bad if I give up.

Stop beating yourself up dude...if you gave 100% to her that's all you can do. She just didn't have the same feelings for you...she told you those things to ease the blow.

I know it's hard to put that together when you're hurting and remembering the sweet times, but it is what it is.

[lhn]

Thanks to everyone who replied to my post. I'm glad it has helped some of you.
I basically wrote the sorts of things I would have liked/needed to have read when my breakup was fresh.
Ofcourse, it doesn't matter what anyone says to you, everything is still so awful but there is some comfort in knowing others are going through the same problem.

Thanks Curves... glad you enjoyed the post.

I just want to get across that no matter how bad you feel at any given moment you know that there are other people out there who are in the same rubbish position as you. We've all had our hearts trampled on by the one we love & trust the most. Try not to take it too personally. You weren't the 'one' for them, despite believing that you were and believing they're the 'one' for you.

Hope you are all doing ok, sunday was a tough day for me. Lots of 'christmas alone' and 'god I'm lonely' moments.

[Shady]

Enjoyed this one a lot.

[cmacattack1]

Yeah, it's very difficult to accept that fact. After three months of dating a younger girl, she was convinced I was the one that she would marry (I even have it in writing).

I neglected her for months and it's tough because I blame myself (and she easily does that too). I was so wrapped up in issues with myself, I let our relationship go to shit, even amidst her calling me, texting me, crying to me, writing letters to me about things she needs. How stupid I felt for not wanting to do it until she dumps me. I really believe that we were right for each other, it was just bad timing.

One thing to not do is to cry and beg and plead and be overattentive, which I did for a good week after she dumped me. They thought about doing this for a long time before they did it, and there isn't a magic speech that will likely fix it. And even if it did and they took you back instantly, you probably wouldn't learn from your mistakes. You really need to be on your own to really understand and analyze where you went wrong and what you need to implement to better yourself. That takes time.