what to do about my gf who is texting her ex's..

[Worries]

Hello everyone...sorry this is long but i feel the more detail the better when trying to understand a complicated relationship

Im 26, she is 23. She believe people are OK being friends with their EX's and I feel that is always a bad idea...once you have had sex with someone, the relationship changes...period...we will never see eye to eye..

We have been dating for over a year...prior we were friends from 5months because I didnt want to have a gf due to possible job move and then our friendship ended when i found out she had been talking to a guy she meet about 1 week before me since and was basically lying about dating him. 5 months in, i asked her to be my gf, she accepted and the next day i caught her red handed with this guy.So i left the scene. 5-6 months came around and we returned to each other life, each of us had dated someone between that time, her that same guy and me an old ex. she broke up with him(he traveled alot and never was at home for her) around a 1.5months prior to us talking again and me 2 months after i dumped my ex again.

we have been dating since(5mons straight) and had a breakup about 3 months ago..it lastest about a month and in that time i waited for her, and she went on to find some goofy carsalesmen. typical that some people must have attention..but neways.

Now onto the problem.....Since then we got back together, made amends and i thought those two other guys in her life would vanish. wrong. over the last year ive noticed she always keeps in contact with the 1st guy..she claims they are really good friends and he is always there for her..he is the guy she goes to when we have arguements..like clockwork and its uneasy to me...But i can understand this as long as everyones on the same playing field and he wants notihng but to be friends...which i dont believe anyways. but she wont let me meet him...the situation is sickening to my stomach but i understand a girl needing a backup plan...some people just cant put all their eggs in one basket for fear of being hurt.

the carsalesmen i figured would vanish as well..up until i had a bad feeling 2 nights ago....she has forgotten that i paid her phone bill online a few months back and still remembered the password...i logged in just to ease my mind...and there it was...text after text after text... right when i left for work, then ended when i came home for lunch, and resumed. i conforted her alittle last night. I said "look, you know we both want to get married and just waiting for the right time...but i still have these feelings you are talking to those two guys still and whoever else...she stopped me and said, i havent talked to them, i actually deleted the caresalesmens number but he text me yesterday and i didnt know who it was...so i put his number back in so i could ignore him. she didnt mention guy #1.

this is the girl i am going to marry. so keep this in mind. I am trying to fix the problem of why she needs to do this...causing more damage would not help the situation. and just so everyone know, if i were to ask her to marry me tonight, she would accept..no doubt in my mind.

Soo...i figure i have two options

1.) Confront her about the depth at which she lied. She will deny it, I will be forced to tell her I stalked her phone bill, subject gets diverted onto me, and i am the guilty one. nothing is resolved but a breakup...inwhich case i might as well just pack bags and move on.

2.) possible a more mature approach is to answer "WHY she has the need to contact them?"..if you look at it from this point of view then it shifts the problem onto me and therefore is something i can control....but she doesnt call them, only text...so i dont know what that means or what the context of their discussions are. maybe somethings wrong, maybe im not doing a good job as bf so maybe i should try harder and be there for her...bring her flowers everyday, etc...then watch if she makes the conscious decision to stop talking to them on their own...or this could be a waste of time and maybe shes just using me as a buffer zone till she reconnect back to one of them.

what do you guys think?

[Bumble_bee]

Confront her, if it was as innocent as she says, there would be no need for multiple texts per day, so what you looked at her phone record? you felt she was lying/hiding something, and you went and proved yourself right.

I am not sure why you would consider marrying someone you have so many issues with, but I honestly do not see her changing her need for attention just because you marry her, in fact it may only make her more complacent that she has you that way.

It's hard to face up to things and to admit things aren't working, but that is what you need to do, especially if she is the type of person to manipulate the situation when all you are doing is trying to get to the bottom of her behaviour.

good luck and best wishes.

[Worries]

to be honest...things are fine. she is dealing with some issues in her personal life such as job/car/etc, which will always affect our relationship but i have no issues except my gut instinct and my need to build trust for her by proving myself wrong. I guess i feel cheated...or that every day i put more time/$$ that its a waste if i dont see the same commitment...and please keep in mind i consider myseld physically/mentally needy.

and how do you suppose i confront her? if i tell her i have her password to her phonebill then ive lost the one thing im guaranteed truth in. i dont see whats wrong with keeping check what she tells me vs what i see on the phone bill. if those two numbers went away, eventually id stop looking and eventually forget about it.

[CocoChanel]

You tell that broad to stop doing it or you're leaving.

[girl68]

this is the girl you're going to marry... ok then!

staying friends with an ex is fine, if you know how to be friends with that person. lying, hiding texts, and refusing to ever let you meet him is not "friends". If he were a real "friend" and only a "friend" she wouldn't have a problem letting you guys meet so that you two can also become friends.

[Worries]

her argument is "he doesnt like you and wants to kick your ass because i have come to him in the past when we were fighting"

......

[Primo]

this is the girl you're going to marry...

And divorce...

[Primo]

her argument is "he doesnt like you and wants to kick your ass because i have come to him in the past when we were fighting"

......

Dude, it's obviously a very unhealthy relationship. What you need to do is let her go and do what she obviously wants to do with these other guys. If you want to pick up with her after they're done, that's your choice...or maybe she'll end up happy with one of them and you'll get on with your life.

Either way, you can't stop someone from being with someone else or doing what you don't want them to do by spying or 'laying down the law' ...go date someone else for awhile and let her have her freedom.

[girl68]

A real friend would fully support her going home to you to work out your issues. (Unless you truely are a dickhead and treat her like shit).

A real friend would want to get to know her friends boyfriend, the guy that makes her happy, the guy that wants to marry her friend.

This guy is not a real friend. This guy is a friend that wants to kick your ass becasue he wants her and you have her.

Your gf has more than innocent feelings for this "friend" and she's keeping him her secret because well, she likes him, and she's told him much more than he should know... about you, your sex, and all your faults. She doesn't want her cover blown that she talks many bad things about you with this "friend".

You do not want to marry this girl. Well you might, but you certainly should not. She is not capable of have a fight with you without running to another (compramising) man for "help" in the form of flatterly and attention.

She needs to learn that this friendship is inappropriate. She will claim with her whole life that nothing bad has happened. But I assure you that lines have been crossed, verbally, emotionally and possibly even phsyically.

[Worries]

....sigh. I have decided to give this one last chance. tell me what you guys think.

1.) i went back to the house at lunch. wrote her a note and left flowers...note basically said all the lovey dovey things and that today i want to listen to what she had to say the night before about me always accusing her based on how the past has went...(although she has no idea i accused her because i saw her online phone bill). I told her that i will as of today, i am going to reset my trust in her to what it used to be before the childish acts...back then we were just a fling, today we are more serious. Basically said some things about how any act of damage to our relationship that she secretly does will come to the surface as opposed to me forcing them to the surface and that i hope with my promise to stop accusing that she will take positive steps whatever they may be.

and then i will monitor her online phone bill to see if she can willing sit there, read my letter, thank me for being understanding(which she just did) and excited to continue our efforts THEN turn around and keep communicating.

I will give her till next thursday. I figure there should be some texting for her to tell them to go away or that it cannt continue. Then it should stop.

if it stops, then she was telling the truth and was only telling them off yesterday. If she continues, then i willl pack my things and move out friday evening.

so how does this sound?

[girl68]

Good unless you pussy out and fail to piss off once she screws up.

However I think you should make it known that her friendship with this "friend" is highly inappropriate for the reasons I listed above.

You'll never know what she's said about you, but he doesn't like you because she's never said one good thing about you to him.

I think it's good to restore some trust, but you failed to mention any ground rules. In turn she's going to blurr any lines that you think are obvious, but you never stated them, she's going to use this to say "well, you didn't say anything about me not being able to meet my "friend" at his house... alone". (Example only, but you get the idea.)

[Worries]

the first guy ive explained many times...ive hit all the reasons...especially including the fact you need to come to one another to discuss problems and not friends...all they see is the negative side.

i understand your point about the ground rules but like i was stating, these have been talked OVER and OVER...always ends in a fight. Even when we have her mother as an intermediate. she really believes that this guy is he rfriend...that even when she hasnt talked to him in months that he never wants anything from her but is always open to listen or whatever. (i should be the one she comes to which is the problem).

are you saying i should put in ground rules now as part of her test of devotion this week? if so i have no idea how to bring them up since i havent heard their names in weeks. Like i said, the only reason i know is because i woke up to her texting one night at 3am, then when i got into her phone bill and matched the times, it was her ex's.......

i will add.... My ex that i havent heard from since march text me randomly and was drunk(didnt make any senseand i didnt respond)....this was a day before she woke me up texting her ex above...

[Primo]

I applaud your tenacity to keep her Worries, she must be a good catch, or you're just dependent at this point.

I hope it works out, but from one guy to another, I could never be with someone exclusively and have to monitor their phone bill :-P I'd rather be single and date them when I felt like it.

[Worries]

Primo...i agree buddy and thank you for your comments. We do love each other and thats all i have to go..and we both have personal issues that clash and past experiences that have told us to cover our own asses....with her, she has been in many abuses relationships and to me is only natural that she keeps backup plans...

same reason women go out the day after breakup with their girlfriends so guys will stare at them...its how they cope. of course us guys think this is childish and we just go hang out with our buddies.

sometimes i feel like if i try harder, then she will be too occupied to stay in contact with them..bc lets be honest. Its hard to keep a lie like that. especially when im around 24/7

[Worries]

I want to admit something because it might change your opinions. earlier this year when i mentioned breakup.

what happen was i caught her trying to meet up with her ex. at first i couldnt figure out how they were talking. then i figured out it was yahoo messenger on her phone. I did something very childish which im not proud of. I made a new yahoo acct that looked exactly like his yahoo acct, then i added an extra 1 to it. I got on her phone and added the contact and deleted him out of it. She works nights so about 2 hours before she got off, i messaged her pretending to be him. Didnt say much but hi really and said, "hey im near your work at home depot, wanna come by", and she replied, "sure! i get off in a few mins, you there now" , i replied "yes".

I drove up there...parked my car opposite side and waited by the entrance door. she came in and it scared the shit out of her... she said "what are you doing here??i dont feel good, i had to stop and use the restroom"

I confessed. she got angry and stormed out. it ended that night. I figured she would resume dating the 1st guy, but she didnt...and thats why i took her back...maybe he was just a friend or maybe he was just unavailable at the time... The next week she meet the carsalesmen...and you know the rest